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    Old 04-12-2006, 09:06 AM   #1
    crimsonrose
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    Will my boyfriend ever change?

    Hi all

    I'm a 21/f and my boyfriend of three years is 21. We currently live together, have for the past year and a half. My boyfriend is going to school and I am working as a receptionist. He took some time off from school recently (a qtr) to go visit his mom in Arizona who he hasn't seen in three years. The problem I am having is a big one in our relationship. His parents help us out when we need it, financially.. because they understand that I am paying all the bills and he is going to school which they approve of. My boyfriend stays at home all day long. I'll give you an example of one of our petty arguments. He tells me I forgot to take out the trash. Ok, big deal.. how much effort is it to take out the trash? He therefore tells me that now since I forgot to take the trash I will be doing all the household chores with NO help. You'd think someone who is currently not going to school, does not have a job would at least complete household chores, right? Wrong. He will do a few things around the house, but when it comes down to it. I am doing the laundry, I am cooking dinner etc. I am tired when I come home from a day's work.. but it doesn't really matter to him. He has a website which is his pride and joy. It's a really good website, but he sits on it all day and acts like since he sat at home all day on his website, he did a bunch of work..

    This is just one of our problems. We don't get along. I no longer feel attracted to him and I never want to have sex. He gets mad about this too. His parents (particularly his mom) think that his behavior is perfectly fine and I should be supporting him until he gets a job. It scares me because sometimes I think he never will get a job. He doesn't have enough patience to go on a job search. I've seen him give up too easily. Whenever I think about breaking up with him and us going our own seperate ways.. my heart starts to pound and the feeling is overwhelming. I guess it's because we've been together for so long and this was my first relationship. We moved in together too early... I didn't think things through. I don't know what to do. Anyway.. what would you guys do?

     
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    Old 04-12-2006, 09:09 AM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    why is it your responsibility to take out the trash when he doesn't work?
    it's not going to get better, just worse.
    my advice, get out now.....

     
    Old 04-12-2006, 09:11 AM   #3
    jenna_250
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    I would say that he probably won't change. You live together, it should not be expected that you do all the chores. Also, he isn't your father, he shoudln't be saying this like that to you " since you didn't do the trash, you are doing all the chores" give me a break!! That is manipulation and control. He is just trying to get out of pulling his weight around the house. He sounds lazy. There is also no way you should be supporting him if he can work. He should take any job to pay his share of the bills. If I were you I would get out of this relationship, what happens if you have kids? He will expect you do to it all while he goes on with his life and his website and you will also probably be expected to work . It doesn't have to be this way, my husband does everything I do from cleaning to cooking to taking care of our son.

    You are VERY young, I would say cut your loses and move out on your own.

     
    Old 04-12-2006, 09:38 AM   #4
    Destea
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    I agree, scary as it is - you aren't giving yourself an opportunity to see all of the great things other men have to offer by staying in a relationship with this lazy, selfish boy. Go out there and enjoy it, it's not your responsibility to take care of him and do the chores! That would drive me up the wall.

    Take a stand, I know it sounds really scary but you need to look after yourself, odds are he won't change very much in the coming years. If you see yourself being miserable it's just not worth whatever comfort you may have from familiarity Good luck!

     
    Old 04-12-2006, 10:11 AM   #5
    millpark26
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    Get out now while you can. I realize it's a scary thought but that's only because you're stepping outside of your "comfort zone".

     
    Old 04-12-2006, 10:45 AM   #6
    amy2705
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    Agree with all the other posters - get out!

    He's lazy. He's a bully. He's manipulative. He's not your dad (that "you didn't take out the trash, so now you have to do all the chores" thing really kills me!). He's acting like a boy, not a man - why does his mom have a say in this? You are supposed to be 2 adults living together. You do not need his mom acting as final arbirtator when the "kids" get into a fight! You get to decide what you consider acceptable behaviour on his part - what his mom thinks is irrelevant (she's free to set standards of behaviour in her house, but not yours). You also do not need him acting as the final word on things -- like who takes out the trash and when. I think YOU should start laying down the law - i.e. setting the rules for how YOUR household is run.

    Loads of people in school have a job. It's utterly selfish of him to go to school, work on his website, and then do nothing to contribute (either around the house or financially or to you emotionally). Where's the partnership? You're not a bank or a cleaning and cooking service. Why doesn't he get a student job?

    If he won't / can't get a job then he should either get a student loan from the bank or from his parents. He should be contributing a set amount to you ... i.e. to cover rent and bills. There is no reason why you should be financially responsible for his education when he sits around being a lazy, selfish *****!

    You seem to contribute a lot to him and to the relationship, he should too (financially and emotionally).

     
    Old 04-12-2006, 12:05 PM   #7
    justinluck
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    If he's not contributing financially, he should be doing all the chores around the house. End of story.

     
    Old 04-12-2006, 12:22 PM   #8
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    You are his substitute mom. How convenient for him.

     
    Old 04-12-2006, 12:22 PM   #9
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    you sound like his mother...he sounds like he is a little boy
    youre working- hes at school- two very different lifestyles
    do you really love him? do you see it working out?
    have you spoken to him about this?

     
    Old 04-13-2006, 08:33 AM   #10
    crimsonrose
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    Thank you for all of your responses. I expected what you were going to say, I just need some reassurance and support. Yes, I have talked to him about this many times and it always results in a fight. It gets to the point where I'd rather just shut my mouth rather than deal with him. Whenever we get into a fight about this situation about getting a job, he tells me that he can't because it will hurt his student loans because his school wants to know his income and such at the job. I guess the school will want to take his income for his payments. Whenever I mention us breaking up he has to call his mom and get her into the situation. It is really annoying. I think of us as two adults, but I think it's more like 1 adult and 1 child. If we did break up, he would be in trouble because his mother is in Arizona dealing with her own set of issues (failing health, relationship problems of her own etc) and his father is back here but he rents and probably couldn't afford to support him. Last night I was so frustrated that I tried to work something out with him, saying he could live with me until he figured out something with his parents or whatnot, but it turned out the same way it always does. We just go out ways and try to get along civily for the evening. You ask if I love him, and the answer is hard for me to bear. I loved him, but as this relationship progresses it is hard for me to love him.. We went through so much to be together, my parents opposed us being together from the start. They didn't want us moving in together when he didn't have a job. I understand why. I wish I would have listened. I feel that if he started to pull his weight a little more and such this relationship could work, but the romantic portion I don't think is ever coming back...

    When he goes out to Arizona, I am going to re-evaluate what is going on with my life...

     
    Old 04-13-2006, 08:49 AM   #11
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    Our parents have the benefit of years of life experience and knowledge to draw on. I didn't start listening to my mom until I was in my 30's. That's when I realized she knew what she was talking about. LOL Sad, huh?
    When is your boyfriend going out to Arizona?

     
    Old 04-13-2006, 09:50 AM   #12
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    When he goes to Arizona, move him out and change the locks.

     
    Old 04-13-2006, 11:16 AM   #13
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    I have been there! I work 40 hours a week, do the budget,most of the cooking, all the house cleaning and laundry, part of the outside work, take out the trash and feed our dogs. My husband who worked about 32 hours said he was too tired when he got home because his job is very physical but he had no problem doing yard work and such when his Mom called him to help her husband. His teenaged brother wasn't made to help his Mom or Step-dad, infact he didn't even have to clean his room! Anyway for about 3 months my husband was laid off and all he would do all day was fish, golf or sleep and once in a while he would do the dishes or cook. We argued so much over it and I just kept making rude comments even when his Mother was around about how lazt he was at home. Eventually his Step-dad caught on and pulled him aside and he striaghtened up for a little while. He finally got a job and since then he has even had a part time job at one point. He is currenlty laid off again but since I am pregnant he has taken over most of the cooking, some laundry, grociery shopping (after all i can no longer carry the 50 lb dog food bag),and the dishes and that is fine with me. I had to nag him. I didn't know how else to handle it but I did worry he might het irritated and leave but I really felt it was unfair and wasn't going to take it anymore. Maybe someone else knows a better way to handle it.

     
    Old 04-13-2006, 02:27 PM   #14
    jenna_250
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    Re: Will my boyfriend ever change?

    and get her into the situation. It is really annoying. I think of us as two adults, but I think it's more like 1 adult and 1 child. If we did break up, he would be in trouble because his mother is in Arizona dealing with her own set of issues (failing health, relationship problems of her own etc) and his father is back here but he rents and probably couldn't afford to support him.

    Please move out on this guy! You aren't his mother and he is a grown man who can figure things out. If you leave, maybe, shock of all shocks, he will have to figure out a way to supporthimself, do his own cooking and cleaning and laundry, in other words, be an adult!!!! Please don't make the same mistake so many people do and stay just because it's comfortable, you feel guilty, or you are scared to be alone. Just me, once this is done you will feel a million times better. And on the good side, you are very young, getting out of this now you will know in the future to not get involved with a guy like this!

     
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