It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Jealousy at the strip club

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:43 PM   #16
    Nina000
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Nina000's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2005
    Location: The UK
    Posts: 1,314
    Nina000 HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by HeWillBeStrong
    I have to disagree. It makes me kind of upset when people suggest that you play games in your relationship. Yes, he was a huge jerk...but doing the same thing to 'get back' or to get him to realize something, almost ALWAYS backfires, and it just seems so immature and manipulating. If you have to play games in your relationship, maybe you shouldn't be in it. If things can't be solved with discussions, maybe he's not the right person for you.
    How would you instantly react HWS? How could you possibly take it off your chest? Just curious to know how to treat someone who shows this bluntness to a live-in gf!!!! It is not a crime if she accepts it.........

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 05-03-2006, 02:59 PM   #17
    HeWillBeStrong
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 70
    HeWillBeStrong HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I would instantly react by being extremely upset, and hurt. But I would not go out and do the same thing back to him, that wouldn't even cross my mind, honestly.

    I agree that it's horrible, and he has no right to treat her this way. But what will be accomplished if she goes out and does the same to him? She might feel vindicated for a short time...but if what she truly wants is for things to be right between her and her boyfriend, flirting or getting revenge will only take her farther from that goal.

    As corny as it is, I truly believe that two wrongs don't make a right. I agree that she can't just 'take it' and let him do this to her. But if she has to play games and go flirt with someone else, then I feel she shouldn't be in the relationship. If you're mad, be mad...if you're hurt, be hurt. But before you do something to 'get back' at the person, try talking to them. If talking doesn't work, then maybe you should consider not being in the relationship at all. But getting revenge won't make you feel any better about what HE did. It wouldn't for me, anyway. It would just cause even more issues to deal with.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 03:05 PM   #18
    Hiya
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 1,566
    Hiya HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nina000
    How would you instantly react HWS? How could you possibly take it off your chest? Just curious to know how to treat someone who shows this bluntness to a live-in gf!!!! It is not a crime if she accepts it.........
    I personally would just tell him it's not cool with me. Since I've already decided for myself that this is one of my rules for life and I simply do not want to be with a man who would do this, I would just leave. I don't believe in wasting time with some jerk who doesn't care how I feel. But this girl doesn't want to leave, looks like she doesn't even really want to make waves. But even if she did the same thing in front of him, that's no guarantee that it will evoke the same response from him that she had. He might not even care. That's not where the real power lies, in trying to control his emotions. The real power lies in standing firm in what you will and won't accept. I think the only way she can have real power in this situation is to sit him down and say "this is how I felt when I was watching you with that stripper, and I never want to feel this way again, it's not right, I'm not cool with it, and if you want to stay with me, you'll never, EVER do that again." Believe me, he will have more respect for you if you lay down the law than he will if you try to be the "cool" girlfriend. If he really loves you and really cares about how you feel and doesn't want to see you hurt, he never will do it again. If he insists it's no big deal, you need to lighten up, quit nagging, etc. then you have a choice to make. Set a precedent of him walking all over your feelings, not respecting your rules for life, and letting him get away with other things down the road, or perhaps cutting your losses now instead of a few years, a few more thigh dimples and face lines down the road after you've learned that you really aren't that compatible, he really doesn't care how you feel about things, and when it will be 100 times harder to find someone else who will really love and cherish you and care about and respect your feelings.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 03:10 PM   #19
    minnesotagirl
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
    Posts: 745
    minnesotagirl HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I'm not going to get "revenge." I already know that he'd be jealous. I know that would just make the relationship worse.

    He doesn't see that he hurt me because it was with a stripper and it was paid for. But sex with a prostitute is also paid for, and I don't think anyone can argue, not even him, that sex with a prostitute isn't cheating. And what my BF did was basically 4play. So he had 4play that was paid for. Its cheating.

    I don't think that watching strippers get naked is cheating. That is why I didn't mind. I was already being the "cool" girlfriend by letting him go and have his birthday dance. The birthday dance is kind of funny, I know it didn't turn him on much, after all, it is on stage in front of everyone. But he crossed a line with the personal lap dance. The girl was grinding on him, directly feeling his penis with her private areas. Ugh I just can't get it out of my head. I didn't even think it'd affect me this much.

    So how does one get over being cheated on? I know relationships have survived this sort of thing. I'm definately going to tell him that private lap dances are unacceptable for me. I feel less attracted to him because of it. Hopefully that will make him understand.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 03:15 PM   #20
    HeWillBeStrong
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2005
    Posts: 70
    HeWillBeStrong HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
    So how does one get over being cheated on? I know relationships have survived this sort of thing. I'm definately going to tell him that private lap dances are unacceptable for me. I feel less attracted to him because of it. Hopefully that will make him understand.
    It takes a long time. It's hard to get over the intial act itself, but what it really comes down to, I feel, is if you can still trust him. Obviously if he doesn't respect your feelings and won't agree to no more lapdances, you won't be able to trust him and it'll make it harder, if not impossible, to get over this incident.

    I think you should talk to him, and take it from there. He may help you along with your worries and issues...or he might make it worse. Good luck, I really hope it goes well.

    Last edited by HeWillBeStrong; 05-03-2006 at 03:15 PM.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 03:44 PM   #21
    Nina000
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Nina000's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2005
    Location: The UK
    Posts: 1,314
    Nina000 HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hiya
    I personally would just tell him it's not cool with me. Since I've already decided for myself that this is one of my rules for life and I simply do not want to be with a man who would do this, I would just leave. I don't believe in wasting time with some jerk who doesn't care how I feel. But this girl doesn't want to leave, looks like she doesn't even really want to make waves. But even if she did the same thing in front of him, that's no guarantee that it will evoke the same response from him that she had. He might not even care. That's not where the real power lies, in trying to control his emotions. The real power lies in standing firm in what you will and won't accept. I think the only way she can have real power in this situation is to sit him down and say "this is how I felt when I was watching you with that stripper, and I never want to feel this way again, it's not right, I'm not cool with it, and if you want to stay with me, you'll never, EVER do that again." Believe me, he will have more respect for you if you lay down the law than he will if you try to be the "cool" girlfriend. If he really loves you and really cares about how you feel and doesn't want to see you hurt, he never will do it again. If he insists it's no big deal, you need to lighten up, quit nagging, etc. then you have a choice to make. Set a precedent of him walking all over your feelings, not respecting your rules for life, and letting him get away with other things down the road, or perhaps cutting your losses now instead of a few years, a few more thigh dimples and face lines down the road after you've learned that you really aren't that compatible, he really doesn't care how you feel about things, and when it will be 100 times harder to find someone else who will really love and cherish you and care about and respect your feelings.
    Hiya, I wish I had half your calm I admire you for reasoning so convincingly. Obviously you were rewarded far better than a bf in life: a great mind that some bfs stop developing . I am so impulsive, maybe really immauture when it comes to hurt of this kind, it would just make all reasoning fly away. But yes, I see your point, drawing the line between what is acceptable and what is not.

    Why didn't you just tell hi sfriend who bought him this dance that he's rude, and that it would have been more thoughtful of him if he had bought you both a bottle of Champaign instead
    Never mind, at least he didn't buy it himself. If you really really love him, just say to him how you feel and he truely loves you he would never do it again.
    Don't dwell on it everyday and definitely don't bring it up after the discussion you will have, but please be firm and serious and strong. And never invite his b----- friend to any of his bdays no more. Good luck.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 03:51 PM   #22
    minnesotagirl
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
    Posts: 745
    minnesotagirl HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    OK well here's a part that I failed to mention that might make this a bit worse....

    His friend bought him the lap dance because on his friend's birthday (which was just three days ago), my boyfriend paid $20 for him to have a lap dance. So he was returning the favor. I told his friend I was mad about it and that I thought it was cheating. I said that right when he went to go buy it -- I saw what he was going to do and I tried to stop him. He was all "oh come on, there's nothing wrong with it." This particular friend and I don't necessarily get along. He's really immature. But they've been friends since high school.

    So my thought is that possibly my BF bought his friend the lap dance because he KNEW that meant he'd get one on his birthday. I wasn't too worried at the time, because his friend is on strike at work right now so he doesn't have a lot of money. But obviously he thought he had to buy him one in return. And yes, his friend is single. Any ladies want his number? HAHA yeah right. I can laugh but this still hurts. I don't think my BF will see it my way.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 04:03 PM   #23
    Hiya
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 1,566
    Hiya HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
    OK well here's a part that I failed to mention that might make this a bit worse....

    His friend bought him the lap dance because on his friend's birthday (which was just three days ago), my boyfriend paid $20 for him to have a lap dance. So he was returning the favor. I told his friend I was mad about it and that I thought it was cheating. I said that right when he went to go buy it -- I saw what he was going to do and I tried to stop him. He was all "oh come on, there's nothing wrong with it." This particular friend and I don't necessarily get along. He's really immature. But they've been friends since high school.

    So my thought is that possibly my BF bought his friend the lap dance because he KNEW that meant he'd get one on his birthday. I wasn't too worried at the time, because his friend is on strike at work right now so he doesn't have a lot of money. But obviously he thought he had to buy him one in return. And yes, his friend is single. Any ladies want his number? HAHA yeah right. I can laugh but this still hurts. I don't think my BF will see it my way.
    Well, it really wasn't the friend's duty to not buy the lap dance, it was your boyfriend's duty to say "hey dude, I've got a girlfriend, this isn't cool, thanks but no thanks."

    If your boyfriend doesn't see it your way, then like I said you have two choices. Let him walk all over you, and let him know he CAN walk all over you, and be prepared when he starts walking all over you in other areas, or stand your ground, let him know this hurt you to much to be negotiable, and be prepared to walk if he doesn't fall in line.


    Nina, i don't know how calm I truly am, my one lousy ex just really put me through it. I was a really weak willy when I was with him, though. I thought if I just turned myself into a pretzel and tried to be the "cool" girlfriend and didn't stand up for myself too much, then he'd love me and marry me like he said he was planning to, and I'd live happily ever after. Instead, I tried ot follow all the religious rules he set down for me, and as soon as I was cool with one, he'd lay down another one, then frown at me and say "why are you like that?" when i got frustrated. He'd mock and insult my musicianship (we were both part time professional local musicians) then rag on me for being too insecure. He'd openly ogle other women and make comments like "oh my god, where did THAT come from?!!" right in front of me and all our friends when a pretty girl walked by, then get PO'd at me for getting jealous. So he dumped me, then married a woman who screams at him if he talks to another woman, who runs roughshod on him and doesn't let him get away with anything and makes him toe the line. Men don't respect pretzels. They respect a woman with a backbone who will push back and who won't take his crap, believe it or not. I learned the hard way, but bellieve me, I learned. I will never again be a pretzel for any man, and I will never again compromise my rules for life. No woman should. You know you've found the right one for you when you no longer have to pretzel and compromise n order to keep him. Life's too short to waste on someone who's not worthy of your devotion.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 04:17 PM   #24
    minnesotagirl
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
    Posts: 745
    minnesotagirl HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Thanks so much for all the comments and for telling me your stories.

    Hiya -- how long were you with that guy before you left him?

    I'm definately going to talk to him about this now, especially now that I see that the majority of women feel the same way as I do. I'll tell him that too, and I'll find other women who feel the same as I do and I'll have them tell him how they think. I think that'll make him see that he was wrong.

    So many men cheat on their girlfriends/wives. My BF says that allowing him to go to the strip club just once a year is fine because he doesnt cheat like most men.

    Like I said, I have no problems going to the strip club and watching naked ladies dance, I mean, the female body is beautiful and I understand how men are entertained. But the lap dances are a sexual act. And the one my BF had was TAME compared to what most strippers do. It is basically prostitution.

    If any former (or current) strippers would like to comment, that would be MOST helpful. Or, if anyone with a different point of view here, maybe a guy who thinks women are off their rocker to be jealous about this and how they justify it, or maybe a guy who agrees that it is cheating. Thanks!

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 04:28 PM   #25
    Hiya
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Posts: 1,566
    Hiya HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
    Thanks so much for all the comments and for telling me your stories.

    Hiya -- how long were you with that guy before you left him?

    I'm definately going to talk to him about this now, especially now that I see that the majority of women feel the same way as I do. I'll tell him that too, and I'll find other women who feel the same as I do and I'll have them tell him how they think. I think that'll make him see that he was wrong.

    So many men cheat on their girlfriends/wives. My BF says that allowing him to go to the strip club just once a year is fine because he doesnt cheat like most men.
    Actually, I didn't leave him, he left me, and it wasn't until he did that I realized what a sap I'd been. But we were together on and off for about 2 years.

    Since your boyfriend says you should be ok with him doing this once or twice a year concerns me. I'm not sure you will ever see eye to eye on this issue. Remember, you can't change another person's free will, thoughts, emotions, wants or desires, you can only control your reaction to them. Lay down the law and see what he says, and if he still insists you are "wrong" to be so hurt and you shoudl be fine with what he did, then you've got a choice to make. I personally find that "at least I don't cheat" excuse to be pretty lame, actually. That excuse has been used to justify everything from stinginess to verbal and even physical abuse. "Hey, what do you want? At least I'm home every night and not out cheating." Well, big friggin' deal. he's still causing you pain. That's what matters. He either cares about that or he doesn't.

    Last edited by Hiya; 05-03-2006 at 04:29 PM.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 05:01 PM   #26
    amy2705
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    amy2705's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2005
    Location: America
    Posts: 542
    amy2705 HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
    I don't think my BF will see it my way.
    Do you mean he won't agree with your feelings that getting lap dances is unacceptable?

    I don't think that's really the point. It doesn't matter if he agrees with you about whether lap dances are right or wrong (that debate can go on forever). What does matter is that he understands and respects YOUR feelings about it. The morality of the issue is sort of a side issue. In my opinion, the real issue is that your guy getting lap dances upsets you tremendously. As your guy, he's meant to care about your feelings and should NOT do things that he knows will upset you.

    He's free to think lap dances are ok ... he's just not free to get them! Why? Because it upsets you and your feelings should be more important to him than getting a lap dance once or twice a year!

    As for being a cool girlfriend - you ARE. You don't have a problem with strippers, you don't have a problem with him going to strip clubs. You trust him and give him the freedom to do "guy" things. Just because you draw the line at lap dances does not cancel your membership in the cool gf club. And it's not as if you've randomly made up some arbitrary line - you've said "I'm ok with strip clubs, but not lap dances because I consider it dry sex and cheating." That's not unreasonable at all!

    If he understands how upset you are and you explain that you consider it cheating (regardless of whether it is or isn't in his opinion), then he's on fair notice for next time. If he ever does it again, then it's 100% cheating - cos he KNOWS you think it is. If you can get him to acknowledge how it made you feel, maybe it will help you move on from this incident. Maybe try to remind yourself that the boundary wasn't crystal clear. He thought it was ok since you were there. The stripper thought it was ok cos she invited you over closer (some girls actually like watching this sort of thing! Not me, but ... to each their own). But now it's CRYSTAL clear how you feel about it. So draw the line and if he agrees never to get a lap dance again... then maybe you can put the birthday incident down to him just not realizing how deeply you'd be affected.

    Sorry you went through this. I'd be really upset and hurt too. I can't imagine how you felt. I think I would have cried right there and then. Sounds really seedy and gross. if my bf ever says he's going to a strip club ... after reading your post, I'm going to law down the law about lap dances!

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 07:05 PM   #27
    jenna_250
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2006
    Posts: 272
    jenna_250 HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Ok, here it goes, I do disagree with alot of the responses. First of all, I don't think you ever should have gone with him in the first place. That was his guy time and you shoudln't have been there. As far as what goes on at strip clubs, yes, men get excited but so what, they get excited from porn, and I'm sure they get excited by pretty girls on the street, that is just how they are for the most part. Have you ever been to men stripping, the women there go crazy, from what I have seen way worse than men do, and I don't think anyone would come on here and say women shoudln't get those type of lap dances when men strip and I have seen some pretty disgusting thing go on when men strip ( this was years ago and I never enjoyed it much). Also, I don't think you can " allow' him to do anything, you are both adults and I have never bought into this business of things like " I"m alloying him to go out" ...have a discussion, figure out what works, but for crying out loud don't become his mom ( I'm not only directing this to you but people who are taking about " allowing" their boyfriends to do certain things".)...I have to say it sounds like you love him and he loves you, and you need to trust him. I don't think he is a jerk like others have said, I think he is a guy who enjoys going to this once in a while and who happened to get a lap dance at a strip club and his girlfriend saw, but honestly, you shoudln't have been there in the first place checking up on him!. I think it's being blown way out of proportion quite frankly. My husband goes to strip clubs, not often, but if something is going on with friends he will go, I really could care less about that. The debate will rage on for years and years, and tons of people will come on here and tell you it's wrong. But only you can decide what is right or wrong for your relationship. I can tell you though, that forbidding him to go and trying to control what he does will probably backfire in the end. IF you feel THAT strongly about it, perhaps you are with the wrong guy and should be with someone who has the same views as you, because that's really waht this is about in the end, attitudes and views about this...I believe we should chose partners that share our belief system, do you think this man shares yours? For example, my husband and I like and need space, time with our friends, and we each take one trip a year apart with just our friends, mine is coming up soon and I'm going away for 3 nights with some girls...we also believe that cheating is wrong, and that one strike it's over, no second chances...so, we trust each other, we know what each other expects , and we have what some kind consider alot of freedom in our relatoinship. This works for us. I have been with guys who didn't like this, wanted me to give up girls weekends away and girls nights out, and that didn't work for me so those weren't the people I settled down with. I guess what I"m saying is, maybe this is a signal of a bigger problem with different values etc,. anyways I'm rambling and not sure if I'm making sense, exhausted right now...and I"m sure many many people will come on here and disagree with almost everything I've said, but this is just one person's tired opinion, good luck to you

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 07:29 PM   #28
    Destea
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Destea's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Location: California, CA, USA
    Posts: 1,114
    Destea HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I don't think it really comes down to 'allowing' or 'disallowing' anyone anything. If a certain (honestly unnecessary) action truly hurts your SO, assuming it's not something absolutely ridiculous (ie: why don't you spend EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY WITH ME ONLY... etc), you should be willing to at least strongly consider their feelings, discuss the issue and discover if this action - whatever it may be - is really something you're willing to continue doing at the expense of someone you love.

    It's a choice. You tell someone what hurts you, and you hope that after some discussion they will decide what is most important to them and what they need versus what they do not.

    Honestly, if a boyfriend told me that getting his jollies on (for "guys time") at a strip club is more important than my hurt feelings - then he'd be off my list. And you're right, it IS about basic values - I want a man that values my feelings and respects me enough to at least hear me out reasonably. I think everyone should want that, but - that's just me No once or twice a year lapdance should overshadow my feelings, period. There are a million other things intelligent men can do that don't require fun with naked women! My fiance is an avid mountain bike rider, surfer, etc. He and his friends go out for a beer or dinner after a nice 3 hour ride on the weekend, they go play cards or go see a movie. They have a BBQ. *shrug* There are other things to do, and plenty of fun traditions that can be made.

    Still, that's just me To each their own!

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 07:33 PM   #29
    galinaqt
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    galinaqt's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2005
    Posts: 1,787
    galinaqt HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I do not think you should change. No normal woman on earth would like and tolerate that kind of behaviour. He is probably the one who is trying to persuade you that this is something normal, he just fool you. I had something similiar but not exactly like that in my life. I would dump that person if I was you, I doubht he loves you.

     
    Old 05-03-2006, 08:01 PM   #30
    mys_star
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    mys_star's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2006
    Location: South Carolina, USA
    Posts: 545
    mys_star HB User
    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    i'm sorry, but i just have to jump in here on this one! You have every right to be upset by this! Strip clubs are just repulsive. These dancers who are out there humping your man for money are nothing more than prostitutes in my book! They are giving sexual favors for money. That's a prostitute! There is enough temptation in the world as it is to put yourself in a situation where women are blatantly putting their boobs and crotch all over you. And it's NOT an insecurity thing either! I'm an attractive woman and I have a very nice body! I get hit on a lot and I feel fine about who I am. BUT, no way in hell would I put up with my man going to strip clubs! If he wants to look at a little porn now and then, so be it! But there is a BIG difference between looking at paper or a movie and having a real live woman wallowing all over you. So many times, people try to brush it off like it's such an innocent thing and nothing really goes on. Men can get as much from those s**ts as they are willing to pay! If I were you, I'd give him a choice! Me or strip clubs. And really mean it! He is soooooo disrespectful to you it's not even funny! You can do better because I know for a fact that all men don't think like that! There are decent guys out here who think those clubs are trash! Don't you dare feel bad about yourself for feeling the way you do. You've done nothing wrong here and I don't know any woman who can honestly say she's ok with her man doing that (and actually mean it!).

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    My Jealousy Is Going To Ruin My Relationship! anonymous08 Relationship Health 8 09-27-2006 06:20 PM
    Jealousy/My relationship is on the line anonymous08 Relationship Health 3 08-14-2006 11:13 AM
    Strip bars moonstruckgrl Relationship Health 37 11-09-2005 12:23 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:37 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!