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    Old 05-04-2006, 08:46 AM   #46
    mys_star
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    i think that he's just still very immature ( and so are his other guy friends). They still have that "peeking through the key hole" mentality! They have not yet learned that REAL men treat women with love and respect! And that looking at naked women and having them hump you to get your rocks off is not just normal behavior! In fact, I think that the men that do find that disgusting have a high reguard for their moms and their sisters and could not imagine one of them doing it, so they don't enjoy watching other women do it either! It all goes back to basic morals which unfortunately is lacking BIG TIME in our world today!

     
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    Old 05-04-2006, 08:57 AM   #47
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    He does want to spend his bday with me, that is why I go with him to the strip club -- but we do other things too (go to a regular bar, concert, whatever he thinks will be fun). And his friends are very important to him (he's only 25 after all), but each year, they become less and less important. We are very social people - we include friends in a lot of our activities. But last year, we actually went to a concert with my favorite band on his bday and then made a brief stop at the strip club afterwards (he didn't get a lap dance). So he does want to do special things with me. He wants me to be a part of his celebration.

    I'm sure when we have a family, he will want to spend his birthday with his family/kids and probably not even go to the strip club anymore. He is great with kids and is very much into his family, which right now, as far as kids, just consists of his neices. But he's good in that area.

    So yes, he's understanding my feelings -- he's growing up. I'm his first "real" adult relationship -- we met just before he turned 21 afterall, so he is still learning. I always used to say that most men don't get a brain until they turn about 25 -- so maybe he just got his (even though he didn't use it the other night)...

    Last edited by minnesotagirl; 05-04-2006 at 08:59 AM.

     
    Old 05-04-2006, 09:04 AM   #48
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jenna_250
    Ok, here it goes, I do disagree with alot of the responses. First of all, I don't think you ever should have gone with him in the first place. That was his guy time and you shoudln't have been there. As far as what goes on at strip clubs, yes, men get excited but so what, they get excited from porn, and I'm sure they get excited by pretty girls on the street, that is just how they are for the most part. Have you ever been to men stripping, the women there go crazy, from what I have seen way worse than men do, and I don't think anyone would come on here and say women shoudln't get those type of lap dances when men strip and I have seen some pretty disgusting thing go on when men strip ( this was years ago and I never enjoyed it much). Also, I don't think you can " allow' him to do anything, you are both adults and I have never bought into this business of things like " I"m alloying him to go out" ...have a discussion, figure out what works, but for crying out loud don't become his mom ( I'm not only directing this to you but people who are taking about " allowing" their boyfriends to do certain things".)...I have to say it sounds like you love him and he loves you, and you need to trust him. I don't think he is a jerk like others have said, I think he is a guy who enjoys going to this once in a while and who happened to get a lap dance at a strip club and his girlfriend saw, but honestly, you shoudln't have been there in the first place checking up on him!. I think it's being blown way out of proportion quite frankly. My husband goes to strip clubs, not often, but if something is going on with friends he will go, I really could care less about that. The debate will rage on for years and years, and tons of people will come on here and tell you it's wrong. But only you can decide what is right or wrong for your relationship. I can tell you though, that forbidding him to go and trying to control what he does will probably backfire in the end. IF you feel THAT strongly about it, perhaps you are with the wrong guy and should be with someone who has the same views as you, because that's really waht this is about in the end, attitudes and views about this...I believe we should chose partners that share our belief system, do you think this man shares yours? For example, my husband and I like and need space, time with our friends, and we each take one trip a year apart with just our friends, mine is coming up soon and I'm going away for 3 nights with some girls...we also believe that cheating is wrong, and that one strike it's over, no second chances...so, we trust each other, we know what each other expects , and we have what some kind consider alot of freedom in our relatoinship. This works for us. I have been with guys who didn't like this, wanted me to give up girls weekends away and girls nights out, and that didn't work for me so those weren't the people I settled down with. I guess what I"m saying is, maybe this is a signal of a bigger problem with different values etc,. anyways I'm rambling and not sure if I'm making sense, exhausted right now...and I"m sure many many people will come on here and disagree with almost everything I've said, but this is just one person's tired opinion, good luck to you
    Strip clubs or not, it sounds like you and your husband have a very open, trusting, understanding, tolerant and mature relationship. In the end, I think that's all we're all after. I suspect one reason is because you both have made it clear, what you will and will not tolerate, in a marriage. Now you trust each other not to cross those boundries. What options do any of us have but to trust, until our partners give us reason not to?

    Last edited by eve40; 05-04-2006 at 09:05 AM.

     
    Old 05-04-2006, 09:28 AM   #49
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    He does want to spend his bday with me, that is why I go with him to the strip club -- but we do other things too (go to a regular bar, concert, whatever he thinks will be fun). And his friends are very important to him (he's only 25 after all), but each year, they become less and less important

    I actually don't think that friends " should" be less important the older we get. we all need friends...I don't think someone making their friends less important proves anything...this is just one person's opinion, but I hope you encourage his friendships and encourage him to have guy time without you always around...and I would hope you also take your time with your girlfriends...you don't need to be joined at the hip to be a couple! Sure having a significant other is great, but so are freindships, hobbies, time alone etc...I'm in my 30's, married with a kid, and my friends are still important to me, and I can't speak for my husband but I think he would agree he still enjoys his friendships ang guy time, without me around, and I'm not remotely offended by that in the least, and neither is he. I'm going to Vegas soon with some girlfriends and he isn't invited, it's girl time, and it's all good if there is trust!

     
    Old 05-04-2006, 10:21 AM   #50
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    OH by less important I meant that he is feeling less peer pressure to do the things they do or say or think .... you know how it is with some guys .... they don't want to be called "whipped" and especially guys in their early 20s can have issues with their friends calling them that ... my BF is still friends with his high school buddies. He knows I'm his best friend now, but he still hangs with his friends every weekend. I'm usually invited to go along -- its always been that way for us, but I'm the type of girl who likes to watch sports, swig back a few and play hold 'em, etc ... the same things they like to do... I stay in the background and they don't mind, we have good times. We don't do that many things seperate and sometimes its a money issue (such as one person is broke and needs to pay for the other or vice versa -- we don't want to just leave the other person at home and bored). There are times when he gets his "guy time" and vice versa. Maybe not as much as you do, but what we do works for us. Just no more lap dances for him, I can't handle it. I can handle an awful lot, but you gotta draw the line somewhere, and I'm NOT going to change my mind (actually I just mentally can't) and say that a one-on-one private dry humping session with a stripper or any other woman is acceptable to me.

    Plus, I heard that usually the strippers do this dry hump lap dance completely nude. YUCK!!!!!

     
    Old 05-04-2006, 11:25 AM   #51
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    "I was on the verge of tears. I was shaking all over.." >> I'm sorry, but in my opinion, this man does not truly love you if he saw what he was doing to you and simply did not care.

     
    Old 05-04-2006, 03:37 PM   #52
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    My only problem I have with this situation is it appears as though there is a double standard here. I'm tired of the "guys will be guys, it's only sometimes, he's young" excuse. I wonder how the boyfriend would feel if for minnesota's birthday, she went and gave a little strip show for the guys? Just for fun. How about her getting stripped down to just her thong and rubbing herself on a stranger's bulging crotch while the boyfriend watched as the other guy grinned and enjoyed? I really doubt he would feel comfortable with either senario, but somehow women have decided to be 'good sports' when it comes to their feelings. Now, for others like Jenna, it does sound like her husband is comfortable with equality for both, so it's okay. But, most men wouldn't like their girlfriend doing this, so why is it okay for the guys? I think it's because they know they can get away with it. If the women says anything, then let the guilt-trip begin Example: " Fine, I just won't go!" sniff, sniff, huff, huff.
    In my mind, the boyfriend owes her at LEAST some time a male strip show while he watches her look at the guys.

     
    Old 05-04-2006, 04:25 PM   #53
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jenna_250
    He does want to spend his bday with me, that is why I go with him to the strip club -- but we do other things too (go to a regular bar, concert, whatever he thinks will be fun). And his friends are very important to him (he's only 25 after all), but each year, they become less and less important

    I actually don't think that friends " should" be less important the older we get. we all need friends...I don't think someone making their friends less important proves anything...this is just one person's opinion, but I hope you encourage his friendships and encourage him to have guy time without you always around...and I would hope you also take your time with your girlfriends...you don't need to be joined at the hip to be a couple! Sure having a significant other is great, but so are freindships, hobbies, time alone etc...I'm in my 30's, married with a kid, and my friends are still important to me, and I can't speak for my husband but I think he would agree he still enjoys his friendships ang guy time, without me around, and I'm not remotely offended by that in the least, and neither is he. I'm going to Vegas soon with some girlfriends and he isn't invited, it's girl time, and it's all good if there is trust!

    Oh yeah, we all need friends definitely, but who needs friends whose belt is around their ankles all the time Your Bf needs to grow up and find decent friends who are not too blind to respect his choice and his woman.

     
    Old 05-04-2006, 05:48 PM   #54
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    your boyfriend is self-centered. Please dont marry him please dont let him have you so easily. He doesn't deserve you. And none of us, NONE OF US, are going to get better until we demand it. That doesn't mean scream and yell, 'cause lots of people, especially our men, turn off to that. They respond to actions. You not giving him as much of your time, etc. I am not say playing goes, but find other ways to SHOW him that his behavior is UNACCEPTABLE to you!

     
    Old 05-05-2006, 04:36 AM   #55
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    that's just it though! Most "20 something" guys are only interested in one thing! They can't wait to be 21 so they can go bar hop! And unfortunately, "strip clubs" are the popular choice! I just think it's bad that society has gotten so bad that we think that men deserve their 'free time' to have naked women hang all over them. It's really very childish when you think about it because most guys have a woman at home they can do that stuff with. But, they would rather go put their hard earned money in another woman's g-string who don't give a "rat's a**" whether she ever sees him again or not! Totally childish and selfish! Sorry, but I won't let a man treat me that way! EVER!

     
    Old 05-05-2006, 05:18 AM   #56
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    If he does it twice a year than you should do it twice a year. Take him with you and let him watch you. Maybe he will change his mind about the whole thing.

     
    Old 05-05-2006, 07:29 AM   #57
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    HI --

    Some points I wanted to address:

    As far as having my BF watch me with a male stripper, I will NOT do that. If I did, that would show my BF that what he did was acceptable. And his dry hump session was not acceptable to me. So me doing the same thing wouldn't do any good.

    Here's what I'm doing to combat this situation: Well, I've been making him feel very guilty. He has apologized. He feels very bad because of how that lap dance made me feel. He still tries to convince me that it wasn't cheating, but he does say he understands my point of view too.

    I'm also not providing any real sexual favors for him, at least for this week. I do however still turn him on, just so he gets all excited and doesn't get any release. Hey--that's what he must like right, since that's what happens with a stripper. Last night I felt him up underneth the table when we were out at a bar, and then stopped, and he didn't get any when we got home. I'm sure I'll give in soon enough, but this seems to be working.

    I told him that the image of him with the stripper is stuck in my head and because of that I don't feel the same about physical interaction with him. So this has really proved my point to him that lap dances hurt a relationship, and that my point of view is not even something I can change.

    I did however reach a compromise with him -- I said no more lap dances, but if we're still together when we're 40 years old, then maybe, maybe I'll reconsider. So its not like he has to give them up for the rest of his life... but yeah... if he does it next year, he knows the consequences.

     
    Old 05-05-2006, 08:03 AM   #58
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Now, for others like Jenna, it does sound like her husband is comfortable with equality for both, so it's okay. But, most men wouldn't like their girlfriend doing this, so why is it okay for the guys? I think it's because they know they can get away with it. If the women says anything, then let the guilt-trip begin Example: " Fine, I just won't go!" sniff, sniff, huff, huff.

    No you are totally right about this one,. If my husband did things but then tried to tell me I coudln't, then that wouldn't wash. We honestly do respect each other though. Like if something really really bugged me, we would talk about it. We had a situation a while back where one of his woman friends was really really horrible to me when he wasn't around ( long story, I ran into her when I was out at the pub with some friends), and I just didn't feel she respected me or our marriage. we talked about it, I didn't forbid him or even tell him what to do, but I told him how she had treated me, and he decided she wasn't a very good friend and ended that friendship. So it's not like I'm always easy going and nothing bugs me, sometimes things do get to me. But for the most part, it's equal and I could care less about strip clubs or him going on guys trips or to nightclubs, because I do it too and more importantly I trust him. If he ever broke that trust and cheated, we would be over, and I know I would be ok. I know a few girls from work who aren't " allowed" girls nights, yet their boyfriends go on guys nights all the time. That would never ever wash with me! I guess we all know what we want though, I would never have married someone if I didn't think he would be a full on parent with me and treat me as an equal. I also couldn't have married someone who wanted to spend all our free time together, I know some like that, but I don't, I like my alone time, and my time with friends. I guess really the trick is to find someone who shares your views, and to not think you can change anyone, because really, for the most part, what you see is what you get...cheers

     
    Old 05-05-2006, 08:46 AM   #59
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    jenna, I just have to wonder why one of his woman friends would be nasty to you? Could it be that perhaps she wants to make a move on your husband and you're in the way? See, that's the problem that arises when there is too much freedom in a relationship. I'm not saying at all that your arrangement with your husband isn't working or that it's necessarily a bad thing. But, if you and your spouse are always spending free time with friends and you have that much of an open relationship, what would make people think that the two of you are really serious at all? To his other "women friends", it probably looks to them like he's fair game because you're not around much! And don't think for one minute that they care that you two are married. All they see is that most of the time, he's hanging out without you! I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I could never be married and have that much of an open relationship. It's just way too risky even if you say you trust him! And yes, I would have demanded that he didn't talk to that woman ever again had I been treated badly! There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself because if you don't, people will ****** all over you!

     
    Old 05-05-2006, 09:32 AM   #60
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I would normally agree Destea, but not all men are your bf. Trust has got be earned. If you ever saw your bf getting the erection stimulated by a stripper, you would never ever want to see him with any woman again. Trust becomes resigning to emotional manipulation in this case. The ideal situation would be to walk awaybut since it is not easy for everyone to do so, there is no doubt that these negative feelings will come to the fore.
    Honestly despite my problems with my bf, I booked for him to go to a course and stay overnight in his 6-hour away university, as part of his birthday present. I knew how a little break can do us both a favour. He said that I can stay with him in the same room and just see another city while he's in the class, but I chose not to.I want him to re-evaluate his love for me as we were going through our worst time, but I will not let this break me as a person. In the end of the day you cannot stop someone from being a cheat by sticking to them all the time. If this was to happen I would certainly prefer not to be in the picture at all, and I would not want to know.

    Last edited by Nina000; 05-05-2006 at 09:34 AM.

     
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