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    Old 05-11-2006, 01:48 PM   #31
    Music4All
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    The original poster is driven, compelled by feelings and emotion on this issue. There is no "rational" angle or perspective that can break through those walls.

     
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    Old 05-11-2006, 01:49 PM   #32
    tabby2001
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    PBaby,

    "find out why your reasons are so strong for a 3rd child" and find out if it's something "other" than what I'm telling everyone?

    Again, I don't understand why people don't get this. I have my reasons JUST like the reason why I wanted my first. It's a "completion" feeling for myself as a mother and as a family. I dream of 3. It's a passion for me. It's NOT and warped sense of perception of something else.

    And, yes... I AM Happy!!! I am happy with my 2 children today. I love them dearly and I couldn't be happier with them. This is NOT the issue. If I had no children.. of course my life would be HAPPY. It's just a yearn for a child. I have a yearn for children; and to me (although others may not feel the same way) 3 is my desire. Ask someone who doesnt' have any kids why they don't want any? Why not? Maybe it's because it's a "yearn" for them to not have any.

    Leave it alone to figure out reasons behind it. Enough of why.. how about just because. And it's not all I, I, I here. I've been very compromising with him in the past. There are lots of things I didn't want but heck...is it so bad to compromise? I didn't want fancy cars, updated offices in the house... but it was all his wants and desires. At least he asked me and didn't just do them... I respect him for that. But.. what a battle I had to go through because I didnt' want those things and felt it was too much $$, blah, blah.. but he expressed such desire and we agreed.

    And, I never said I was old and acted like 80... jeesh. I'm just saying my bio clock is ticking (for me!). I feel (and it's important to stress "i" here), that I am getting too old to have children soon. When I hit my early 40's I want to be ready for other things in life... not a baby..I'll be tired. And that's what my body and feelings tell me.

    So if I need to respect his feelings? Why can't my feelings be respected too? There's no compromise, retalks, workthroughs here. It's NO, and that's that. Sorry... pretty unfair to me. Counseling doesn't work... sorry. They've open my mind and doors and I've talked a mile a way... nothing will change how I feel. What needs to change is my acceptance of HIS decision in our family. That's all here. And it's pretty shattering to me. And I don't feel sorry for that.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 01:58 PM   #33
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    First of all, my apologies, tabby, about the "Why" situation. My bad. But bottom line, you and he are a married couple. You will not always get what you want. If that is what you're thinking, then maybe you need to move on to someone who can give you that 3rd child b/c based on what you have posted, your husband is NOT going to do it. You can either choose to live with that or move on. Call me blunt, but I mean, that looks like (to me) you're only alternatives. No one here can make your husband change his mind. He has to be the one to do it. I'm sure you wouldn't want him pressuring you to do something you didn't want to do, albeit something that you would have control over, now would you. He may not understand how you are feeling or how a woman feels when it comes to these things. Maybe you should try to explain it to him without just bombarding him with the "You always get what you want, and I don't get what I want" attitude. Let him see where you're coming from besides just telling him "I have a yearning". And personally, I think you're family will be just as complete with what you have now.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 01:58 PM   #34
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
    You are saying that if a woman wants a child but cannot have a child she is doomed to a life of unhappiness?

    My apologies, it's just that there are other women out there who don't have children and it is NOT the end of the world!
    I think you misunderstood. I was adressing her "yearning" as she put it, and how I can relate to it as well. It's one thing to yearn or want s/thing badly, and another to come to terms with not wanting children and being content with that choice. You have stated 2 different issues.

    I was simply commenting on her "yearning" part. A woman's life is not justified on whether or not she has children. My comment was directed to a need to have them. I think they are two separate issues. I was also adressing my "yearning" as well. Having children will not justify my existence in being a woman; it will just complete a desire. This is what I meant, and this is how I took the poster to mean as well.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 02:07 PM   #35
    tabby2001
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    PBaby... you are right.

    He is saying I AM going about this all wrong. And.. I know I'm wrong, I'm acting like a baby and cry that I don't get to do what I've always wished for. It hurts so much and I obviously have to stop the immaturity and just let it go. Anger and hurt overcame me.

    And what hurts the most is to go along with life as if nothing is wrong and hurting. I've got to learn to put it away. When he wants to be intimate, etc. and have fun I hurt still. He's just so content, complete, and happy and I feel angry that he doesn't seem to even care what I'm going through. He'll never bring it up and ask how I'm doing with it.. he just sits and waits for me to "get over it". But... what else is he to do.

    What a bummer! I see so many other couples agreeing on this topic all the time. I wish I had that. It seems to come so easily for them. One of my best friends just informed me today that she and her hubby are expecting #4... wasn't planned but they are both so excited. I'm happy for her. But I also envy too. :-(

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 02:14 PM   #36
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    Not every husband (sometimes wife) agrees on number of kids if any. I know a lot like that. Sometimes money is not an issue, still... I can understand your envy. I envy friend who has 2 and may be will have 3. She is younger, has more help and money.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 02:38 PM   #37
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    I know you want another child. You said you can't understand why everyone is having a hard time understanding your needs. But the fact is, you came here for advice and it seems like instead you would have prefered affirmation that your feelings are paramount and that what your husband wants or doesn't want, comes secondary (if at all) to your needs and your desires. Sorry, but marriage is a compromise and having a child is huge responsibility; emotionally, physically and financially. He may also be questioning the longevity factor . . wondering if the two are you are going to make it as a couple. Having a child is a huge decision and one parent cannot force their desires. Does it mean he gets his way? Well, in my opinion, no. You've compromised as a couple and as a couple, you don't look at it as your spouse getting his way. You instead look at it as the two of you have agreed on something that will greatly impact both of you, not just you. It affects his life too. I have two children and we both agreed we only wanted to. Neither of us ever deviated from that plan. However, if my DH had wanted a third I would never agreed to it in a million years and my attitude would have been if he wants another child that badly, then leave me and find someone else who wants to have a child with you. I do understand your needs and your feeling that its not fair that he gets his way. But a child is something that both parents want to have and having one should never be forced upon someone. If you want to get pregnant then do it . . but be prepared that this could likely be the demise of your marriage. Are you prepared to raise three children on your own? That is the question you need to ask yourself. You sound like you thiink he needs to want and like everything you do. If you go to a restaurant and both order the same thing, do you expect him to like it because you do. If he says this is the worst veal I've even eaten and you think it's to die for, do you get upset because he does not share your opinion. Do you respect his right to have different opinions than you do?

    .

    Last edited by happiness is; 05-11-2006 at 02:41 PM.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 03:19 PM   #38
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    I might be in the minority, but I don't think you're being "selfish" in your desire to have a child just because you already have two. And I am only about a year younger than you and childless because I wasn't able to find a suitable guy to marry so far. But I agree with you, it's not "wrong" of you to want 3 children, just as it's not wrong of someone who wants to have one or two, or no children. Having been the only child until I was of school age, I can say that it's generally better to have a sibling and a sibling not too far apart in age. I'm grateful to have a sister at all, but we virtually grew up separately because we weren't close in age, and I'm still not that close to her. I actually wish I had a few more siblings and always envied the people who had at least two or three siblings. If you don't get along too well with one, you have others who might have more in common with you. Also, I have a lot of friends who are the only children, ALL of them said they wished they had siblings. One of my friends has aging parents (had her later in life), and she is the only one who always has to take care of everything, with no relief from a sister or brother. In the long run, I think it pays off to have a larger family.

    So, I can totally understand how you feel, and don't think you're selfish, even though I have no children yet, and no idea if I will ever have any (time is running out). But still, not reallly sure how you can change your husband's mind about this. If you say that finances are not really the issue, then maybe he has to simply get used to the idea slowly. I think you can try to "brainwash" him gently, little by little Bottom line is, he has to finally feel like he's happy with the idea; otherwise he will resent it. Another thing is, if he doesn't bother to use protection during sex, he can't be THAT much against you getting pregnant. My ex-fiance and I used the same method as you do for most of the years we were together, but I didn't get pregnant, so I think that method, contrary to popular belief, can be pretty successful with men who have a pretty good control over their bodies. Still, apparently it's the least reliable form of birth control, so, well, you know...hopefully that will renew your enthusiasm about having sex--if you do it often enough, you just might get your wish fuliflled and at the same time keep him happy too. The thing is, even if you do have a baby, you would still need to show interest in him and show him he's sexually desirable to you and not just a sperm-donor so to speak. I think that's what any man would hate the most.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 03:40 PM   #39
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    I did come here for advice. What I didn't come here for is for people to ask me if I may be in denial or wrong about why I want more kids. It's as if people are asking me to "rethink" my reasons for wanting another one as if my reasons I give on this board aren't the real reasons and to step back and ask myself if there is something else.

    I gave out all my reasons and I need to rethink nothing. And my husband's needs are not secondary. His reasons count as well; just the same. Just like when he wants something I don't think I can do or afford or want (pet, cars) I've got to hear the whining from him. He wants a kitty so bad but I'm allergic to them and somehow the subject just keeps coming up. Does he hear me? Can't we compromise? So, his needs are quite upfront...just like mine.

    I don't think he needs and wants everything I do. Believe me... he's very different from me. He's ready to go on and do things in life that I'm not near ready to do. That's just me. And, I'm glad he feels differently, that's what keeps me motivated and appreciate the differences we have. I just wish we didn't have differences on family size. That should have been worked out so long ago.

    Here's a question..
    Let's say we DID agree before marriage to have 2 kids. And, then we had our first and he realized how difficult it was, how hard it was, how he has come to realize he couldn't do it again..he underestimated it and he feels our marriage isn't capable of it..it's too much; financially, emotionally...etc. Then that is what he feels... right? And I'd need to come to grips with it that way too right? I dont want to force him to do something he doesn't want to even though he "thought" he did and we did make an agreement.......right??

    Last edited by tabby2001; 05-11-2006 at 03:41 PM.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 03:47 PM   #40
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    Well, if you don't have another child - your third - will you survive? I mean, you want one so badly, but what will happen if he never gives in and you don't have one? Do you really feel the rest of your life will end up totally unfulfilled?

    You can't compromise here. If you get pregnant by "accident" then that will also cause problems between the two of you. He will be mad. You don't want to deceive him into having a third. There isn't much else you can do. I think you have to accept the fact or bring it up again in a few months and see if he changes his mind. Just ask him to think about it. But if he says no, then I would count your blessings for what you have.

    Last edited by KeltoKel; 05-11-2006 at 03:47 PM.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 03:48 PM   #41
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tabby2001
    Here's a question..
    Let's say we DID agree before marriage to have 2 kids. And, then we had our first and he realized how difficult it was, how hard it was, how he has come to realize he couldn't do it again..he underestimated it and he feels our marriage isn't capable of it..it's too much; financially, emotionally...etc. Then that is what he feels... right? And I'd need to come to grips with it that way too right? I dont want to force him to do something he doesn't want to even though he "thought" he did and we did make an agreement.......right??
    Absolutely, people's opinions, desires, and wants are NOT fixed. Often times they do change during the course of life! It's such an "American" way of thinking in that you can prevent every possible life's problem if you just agree on every single issue BEFORE marriage. Guess what, life is progress and that means, people change their minds, preferences, desires, and sometimes an entire outlook on life, politics, family, etc. Many people who thought they never wanted to get married or have kids are now happilly married and have kids. And vice-versa. In our grandparents' or even our parents' generation people rarely discussed how many kids they wanted to have before marriage. And yet, things somehow worked, for the most part. So, you discovered that you have an overwhelming desire to have another baby. If you're a good and caring mom and can afford it financially, I don't see anything wrong with that desire, like I said. So many people have kids carelessly, and some of them don't even want them or love them. It's just that it clashes with your husband's desires right now. But that doesn't mean he is forever incapable of changing his mind about it, either. Truth be told, if it were up to men, the human species would have probably died out by now

    Last edited by SophiaM; 05-11-2006 at 03:53 PM.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 05:08 PM   #42
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    You say you are happy, but it is clear by your own words you are not all that happy and content with your husband. You want a child - he wants you. You are angry about you not getting another child and perhaps he is angry about not getting a wife who is passionate about him. Give him what he wants and needs and he might give you what you want and need. From this fairly uninformed view, it does seem like there is a measure of selfishness on both sides. But you will never get what you want if you cannot give him what he wants. It would be unfair of you to think you should.

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 05:21 PM   #43
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    All I say is if he is unhappy with me cause he doesn't have me the way he wants me...then he should do something about it. Instead, he goes on with life as if nothing is wrong and we are lovey duvey (so I think) and only when I bring up this or something he doesnt' want does he make these comments.

    A typical chain reaction. I go on thinking we are fine and we are happy and when I express a life change/desire... he steps back and says hey.. i'm not having you the way I want, this relationship isn't where i want it. That's pretty unfair. Then we'll argue the argument, I'll give it up and let the subject go dormant for a while, and then he doesn't address if any; his concerns?? What does this mean?

    Sounds to me like an excuse.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 01:15 AM   #44
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    ...and what if he were writing instead of you and said that my wife is more focused on wanting to be a mother yet again as opposed to being a passionate and loving wife first. She wants me to agree to a baby and wants me to trust that she will be the wife I want and need only if I agree to this driving need she has. Sounds like an excuse.

    Couples should never bring children into the world if they themselves are not happy and content. From your own words, it seems obvious that your relationship with your husband is less than fulfilling and perhaps he has the wisdom to know that it is a great risk to bring another lifelong responsibility into his life as long as the two of you are out of sync on several important wants and needs.

    Keep in mind that if you give him what he wants, you are just out some time and effort, if he gives you what you want he is committed to a lifetime of financial and emotional and legal responsibility...there is a huge difference in what it costs him as opposed to what i costs you. Even having to make such comparisons makes it clear that bringing another life into this discontent is not the ideal way to build this family you say you dream of. Can you commit to a dream familiy as one that lives in harmony and unity as opposed to a dream family that is defined by the number of children it produces?

    Last edited by Music4All; 05-12-2006 at 02:56 AM.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 04:47 AM   #45
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    Re: Marriage issue on wanting more children

    No one should be forced to have, or not have, a child. I see no compormise here. If refusing to have a third child is a dealbreaker, for you, then break the deal and find someone who is interested in having another child. Just keep in mind, this man will also have to be interested in helping you raise the two you already have, unless you intend to do this on your own. If you force the issue and have one, in this marriage, be prepared for the resentment and distance it will cause, in the marriage, and between him and the child. I think your choices are very limited. It really doesn't matter who is wrong or right here, you both feel what you feel and can't change that.

     
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