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    Old 05-05-2006, 07:26 PM   #61
    paperdoll
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I never talk about this IRL, but I was a dancer for years. I was very successful, always a top earner, worked at a number of clubs and had tons of friends in the scene, so I know of which I speak. I would've never ever been okay with a man in my life going to a strip club and getting lap dances!! In fact, after I quit I was dating a guy who went to a club with some friends and I dumped him for it. Yes, just for that one thing, even though I loved him. I knew like 5 or 6 girls who worked at that club!--I was so embarassed that my man had been tipping them...EWW!
    The experience I had stripping was that men would just worship me, drool over my body, keep a steady stream of money coming my way so I would keep dancing, tell me how gorgeous I am, try to convince me to do things we weren't supposed to, try to get me to see them outside the club....strip clubs are all about a man indulging his fantasies and senses as much as possible, allowing himself to be titillated....why why why any female thinks this is acceptable is and always was lost on me. Sometimes girls would come in with their guys and try to play the whole cool chick routine, like I'm not threatened, I trust my man, I know what we have...blah blah....I always saw right through that and thought it was pathetic. "I trust my man"---trust him to get a lap dance? Trust him to blow his money on complete strangers who don't even know his name? "It's his decision, I'm not the kind of woman to boss a man, I let a man have his space"---then what do you even need a man for? "I know he comes home to me"--after spending money on another woman, what a comfort.
    A real man, who understands what trust is about, wouldn't ask that of his woman. I met my husb a few years after I quit stripping. He has no desire to go to a strip club, be it his birthday, his friend's birthday, Arbor Day or Flag Day. And no, he didn't have a bachelor party. He has too much respect for me, and his best friend is my brother, so I don't have to worry about any bad friend influences.
    This guy you're with needs to learn some respect! Dump him and move on. It sounds to me like he's really clueless about personal boundaries, and that's going to effect your relat even if he never wanders into another strip club.
    I worked at clubs for the money, at first I thought it was morally neutral (I was young and was prob kind of a "cool chick" myself at the time)....after a couple of years I thought it was nothing but a glorified peep show, and I was walking porn. So many nights I would go in to work, and I could really see the whole scene clearly, and it was just so pathetic. It is absolutely about sex, period. Some dancers will try and tell you otherwise and get you to "lighten up" because they're not able to face the truth about what they're lives have come to, they need to believe it's all harmless fun. I'm glad I never got my head that turned around.
    I'm sorry you're with someone who can't respect you, and give up a silly twice yearly "tradition" that brings you to tears. I don't know what you're going to do, but you're in the right. Do not debase yourself by trying to be okay with this. I'm almost 30 now, and I promise you all the "cool chicks" wind up with the losers.

    Last edited by paperdoll; 05-05-2006 at 09:02 PM.

     
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    Old 05-05-2006, 08:41 PM   #62
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Paperdoll,

    This isn't my thread. But I've been reading it. Just wanted to take a minute to say that I really appreciated your post. You put into words what I think about it but didn't know how to express - and didn't have the personal experience to back up. Your post was a real eye opener.

    You're def. a "cool chick" -- in a good way!

    Thanks.

     
    Old 05-06-2006, 09:47 AM   #63
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    My advice to the Original poster, DUMP your b/f. Not because he goes to strip bars,gets lap dances, etc.. but because it is clear this is not want you want your ideal man to be doing. He obviously likes it and isn't going to change that whether you tell him it hurts you or not.

    You need to be with someone that fits you and that is someone who is just interested in getting turned on by you and not interested in strip bars, etc..

    I dated a guy who was like this. It was a constant hurt and one day I finally woke up and said, "What the heck am I doing?" I realized that getting hurt was my fault cause I let it happen just by staying with the guy.

    Today I am married to a man who fits me who has been to a strip bar once in his early 20's and hated it! He never looks at another woman and just gets turned on by me stripping for him. It is nice. If some woman finds that it doesn't bother her to be with a man who likes to look at other naked women than that is their choice which is fine.

    There are a million men in the sea, pick one who fits for you.

     
    Old 05-08-2006, 10:58 AM   #64
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Thanks for all the replies and especially to paperdoll for sharing her story. It is interesting to hear from a former dancer that even she thinks an attached man getting a lap dance is cheating. I would've for sure thought a dancer would think the exact opposite. This makes me feel even better about my wishes and standing up for myself and that I'm not being a crazy jealous fool. As far as dumping my 4-year long otherwise wonderful relationship, thats just not worth it for me this incident, as long as he never does it again, and he knows this. We've now established that lap dances are a clear no-no for us. This was somewhat established before but not written in stone like it is now. Having and knowing and making sure your partner is aware of your expectations as far as when someone is crossing a line is very important.

    And, this thread just goes out as a warning to the women on here whose men may go to the strip club and they think it is innocent. Watching might be OK but lap dances are the same as him dry humping with another woman, and most times, even more than dry humping goes on. Basically it is 4play.

     
    Old 05-08-2006, 04:11 PM   #65
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
    He does want to spend his bday with me, that is why I go with him to the strip club -- but we do other things too (go to a regular bar, concert, whatever he thinks will be fun). And his friends are very important to him (he's only 25 after all), but each year, they become less and less important. We are very social people - we include friends in a lot of our activities. But last year, we actually went to a concert with my favorite band on his bday and then made a brief stop at the strip club afterwards (he didn't get a lap dance). So he does want to do special things with me. He wants me to be a part of his celebration.

    I'm sure when we have a family, he will want to spend his birthday with his family/kids and probably not even go to the strip club anymore. He is great with kids and is very much into his family, which right now, as far as kids, just consists of his neices. But he's good in that area.

    So yes, he's understanding my feelings -- he's growing up. I'm his first "real" adult relationship -- we met just before he turned 21 afterall, so he is still learning. I always used to say that most men don't get a brain until they turn about 25 -- so maybe he just got his (even though he didn't use it the other night)...

    yeah, I'm sure you do spend quality time together, I hope I didn't seem like I was trying to say my way is the only way. =) and not to say that my bf and I don't hang out with other people too, that would be kind of weird. but I think both of us prefer time alone together. I think the fact that you guys are still around your high school friends (probably in the same home town?) makes a difference too. my bf and I both went pretty far away from home for college, which is where we met. so even though we had college friends and stuff, we also had a lot more opportunities to rely on each other (since we didn't have any really old friends around, it was easy and natural to prioritize our together time above time with other friends). it probably forced both of us into a somewhat more mature/focused relationship, staying around all your old friends can slow the process sometimes (especially for guys!). my bf is only 23 but I guess I'm lucky that I got an unusually mature one. =) thankfully, he's disgusted with the whole strip scene. I definitely think you have incredible patience, because I would be VERY upset if my bf wanted to spend his birthday at a strip club, whether he wanted me there or not! good luck with your boy, it's good that he acknowledged your feelings

    and as far as what jenna said, friends should always be important, but I am definitely of the opinion that as you get older and into a really serious relationship (especially at the point where you have kids) your significant other should definitely be a lot more important. I feel like you can't have it all--you can't have a super-fun life with tons of friends and at the same time have an incredibly deep, fulfilling, mature relationship. not that you can't have close friends, but the relationship has to take definite precedence before it can go to the next level. but I guess I might just feel that way because I would feel uncomfortable if my relationship wasn't like that.

     
    Old 05-09-2006, 05:26 AM   #66
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    And, this thread just goes out as a warning to the women on here whose men may go to the strip club and they think it is innocent. Watching might be OK
    Ha, not in my book. If any man I am with wants to look at other naked women besides me, then he can just be single. I have never for a day in my life thought of strip clubs as innocent. But, then again, some women I guess honestly don't mind their signifigant other oogling strange women, which I can't really wrap my mind around, but to each their own.

    It was nice of your boyfriend to say he wouldn't do it anymore. He didn't have to, since you knew about this pratice going into the relationship, but it is a good sign. At least you are more important to him than women who are complete strangers, and that's always reassuring.
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    Old 05-09-2006, 06:36 AM   #67
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    i agree! Men looking at a woman in a magazine is one thing, but some naked "sl*t" wallowing all over my man is quite another! I wouldn't put up with that for one minute!

     
    Old 05-22-2006, 12:55 PM   #68
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    In todays society women are led to believe that a "lap dance" and other related sexual conduct is "normal" for every red blooded male to take part in.I think that there has to be a line drawn in the sand on this issue. Firstly we have all heard that men are "visual" creatures. Well , I am a woman and i find myself to be very visual also , I love the look of a good hard c*ck when i am horny , its a natural feeling that overcomes me when i am in the mood. However , I think that if I were to take that to a club where a man would present his hardness in my face and girade in front of me and make me wet , my husband would be livid!!!!!(to say the least).....so why then is it acceptable for men to do this to women????.....yes , it is cheating!!!yes yes yes!!!!!.........A man that goes and buys a lap dance is thinking with his penis and has no control of his brain , because if he did have control , he would just stick to masterbating in the shower , or even more approprate , stick it to his sexually significant other.
    There is no need for a man to go and search for sexual stimulation elsewhere , yes , he may have the urge , we all do , but he has to control it and think about how it is going to affect the one that loves him and is there for him on all levels.
    My husband got a lap dance , and it blew me away. I never thought of him as needing to look outside of our marraige for sexual gratification. i love him , and am still trying to understand it , i think its just important for him to know that it hurts and if it hurts the one that he loves , then yes it is cheating.
    once men can see this , and that line is drawn in the sand......you can see the difference between a one-off harmless thing , or just a plain old sexual deviot with no penis control!!!!!! I hope this helps!!!!!!

     
    Old 05-22-2006, 05:12 PM   #69
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I dont know if any of you believe on the Bible but it says there that if anyone looks at a woman with lusts on his mind...then he's already commited adultery with her! simple as that!!!!! gosh! these kind of things makes me furious!

     
    Old 05-22-2006, 05:16 PM   #70
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Yea I have heard of that too.

     
    Old 05-22-2006, 06:25 PM   #71
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    We all have our own views - I'll tell you, there is no way a boyfriend of mine is going to a strip club and expect me to totally okay with it. I was absolutely stunned - mouth gaping - when I read that bit where she tightened his pants and he kept looking at you and smiling while she rubbed and did her thing - OH MY GOD. You were shaking and in the verge of tears? Why would you put up with that?!

    Its wonderful that you are compatible, but he needs to respect your feelings. I do not blame you for getting jealous, I would be too. He needs to understand that it does bother you and you are not okay with it. Say it as it is. Its either you are okay with it or you aren't. Clearly you aren't.. and honey, that is fine. I would be more concerned if you were totally okay with it.

    This basically comes down to the fact that you are not okay with this and that he needs to respect how you feel. If he chooses to ignore you, then you have your answer. You are with a selfish, inconsiderate and disrespectful guy. This is where you tell him to pack his crap and to hit the road.

    I know Im an attractive girl and I know Im a very fun person to hang around with. If my guy gives me crap for being honest and being open about my feelings - that says a lot about him. You may be compatible with everything else, but if he does not respect your feelings - for me, that says A WHOLE LOT. That says, we are not compatible at all.

     
    Old 05-22-2006, 07:08 PM   #72
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    i still think that any woman who says she's ok with it only does so to sound like the "cool" girlfriend or wife. Deep down, I don't think any woman is ok with another woman gyrating on their man's lap! It is disgusting and to me, it's a form of prostitution. Sexual favors for money is prostitution. Plain and simple. And "he**" no, I would not put up with my man going. I'm not trying to tell him what to do, but I'm saying he won't do it and be with me! I have too much respect for myself than that! If he wants to look at a set of boobs, he's got 'em right here!

     
    Old 05-23-2006, 12:34 PM   #73
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Not to make light heartedness of anyone's feelings, but this is almost humorous.

    You have the right not to go to the strip club.

    You have the right to not want him to go.

    You have the right to discuss this openly and honestly with him.

    You don't have the right to be angry with him, since you WENT with him to the club without setting any groundrules. You're dealing with a MAN here. This is a tiny blip on the radar.

    To the rest of you men haters on this thread, I'm speechless.

     
    Old 05-23-2006, 03:15 PM   #74
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    I just wanted to point out that I did indeed have ground rules established about him not getting a lap dance. I have no problems with him looking at the naked ladies dance or even getting his "birthday" dance on stage, so I have no problems with him going to the strip club. My BF thinks his on-stage birthday dance is just the same as a lap dance. Or at least that's what he was trying to convince me. Of course, now there is no way he can convince me that they are the same as I witnessed the real lap dance (plus I knew anyway, I'm not naive). So I did have the right to be angry with him about it, and plus, when I realized it was going to happen, I protested. Plus, I had to sit there next to him (I insisted on it), so obviously, he knew I was not OK with it.

    I've forgiven him for this one time. I know that he was in a hard position to turn it down like I insisted, because his stupid, immature friend who bought him the dance didn't think I'd have a problem with it -- afterall, I let him go to the strip club, even came along with him. His friend (who is single) felt he needed to buy my BF a dance because my BF bought him a dance a few days earlier on his (the buddy's) Bday. Well I think I brought enough drama to the whole situation to make his friend think twice next time.

    Plus, this whole thing really brought us together. I mean, he now knows the groundrules very, very well and he knows what happens if he crosses a line, and he was not happy with the way it hurt me. I'm confident it won't happen again, at least not in this way. Maybe next time, if he is put into this situation (I understand the razzing his friends would give for turning it down), I'm going to steal that girl right away from him -- I'll sit down right next to them and have her give me the dance. He should get some pleasure from watching us right? I'm not bi or anything but I've never had any issues with pretending (I'm a partier). I'll also never let him go to the club alone -- sorry to say, some might have a prob with that, but that's just the way this is going to work for us. I think its a good compromise.

     
    Old 05-23-2006, 10:47 PM   #75
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    Re: Jealousy at the strip club

    Quote:
    Maybe next time, if he is put into this situation (I understand the razzing his friends would give for turning it down), I'm going to steal that girl right away from him -- I'll sit down right next to them and have her give me the dance. He should get some pleasure from watching us right? I'm not bi or anything but I've never had any issues with pretending (I'm a partier).
    Wow hon, why would you even think about going back and putting yourself in the same situation that brought you to tears before?? I'm sorry, but pretending to enjoy getting a lapdance from a stripper just to prevent your boyfriend from getting one sounds like a HIDEOUS idea. Geez, if he was a real man then he would be able to say in the future "Look guys, I've got a great gal and I don't need any of this strip club BS anymore. She doesn't like it, and I don't want to hurt her, so I'm not going." It wouldn't make him a sissy-boy, it would make him a mature man who cares about the feelings of the woman he loves. If he knows how much he hurt you, why do you feel the need to plan ahead what you are going to do once you find yourself in the position again??

    You really don't mind at ALL that he visits strip clubs? You like the idea the he goes? Or are you just fooling yourself? Feeling like you have to pretend you enjoy something that inside makes you disgusted is the easiest way to kill your soul.
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