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    Old 06-07-2006, 08:06 PM   #16
    PinstripedBabe
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    someoneout there, joni, ls..someone help!! im having such a bad day :-( i just ate all this popcorn and now im all bloaty and i just put on a pair of old jeans and their so tight on me and my friend told me i look so much better than i used to today and i know she meant it as a compliment but i took it as an insult and now im sitting on my computer chair and im looking down at my thighs that look like balloons. :-( this sucks. i know this is all ed telling me im fat and im usually good at fighting him but today he's really got the best of me. im so sad right now :-( i hate this, i wanna go in my bed and sleep for the next 5 days :-( but i cant because i have school tomorrow and its gonna be so hard to wake up because its already late and im so tired but i cant fall asleep because i feel all fat. I HATE THIS SOOOOO MUCH. someone anyone, just talk to me, you girls make me feel so much better...

     
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    Old 06-08-2006, 09:30 AM   #17
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    PinstripedBabe--

    How are you today? I really, really hope you've calmed down and are feeling better. I did see your post last night but am in such a bad place mentally with the ED that I just couldn't think of a single word of advice! I was praying someone else would come on and help you out since I couldn't. I'm so sorry.

    Did the feelings eventually pass? Feeling bloated is awful, but try to remember that it's just a feeling--that's IT. Please don't forget how much progress you've made...and know that, although you're still struggling, you're also an inspiration to people who aren't in your stage of recovery yet...like myself. I wish I was as strong as you, because although you have bad days like the rest of us, I think (correct me if I'm wrong, of course) that your desire to recover is still strong.

    I hope everyone else is doing okay, too.

     
    Old 06-08-2006, 02:23 PM   #18
    PinstripedBabe
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    thanks sunshine..im feeling a little better today but i mean, i just feel huge. i really hate it. sometimes i want to give up recovery but its weird becuase i wont let myself. i refuse to try and lose weight right now becuase i know how awful it made me look and feel. but im also not happy now..plus i still have 6 more pounds to gain. theres no happy medium. i guess i really just have to stick it out and wait until im at a healthy weight and then maybe ill feel better. i read somewhere that with anorexia and an extreme amount of weight loss, funky things happen to your brain also. but everything is restored when returned to a healthy weight. as weird as this sounds, maybe my brain will be able to see myself as 'not fat' anymore. but thank you for the sincere comment and i really hope you find your way to overcome this

    i just read this quote that was sent to my e-mail:

    God puts us in deep water not to drown us, but to make us stronger.

    i think this is how (and everyone elese) should look at this ed...as i guess almost a blessing because once out of this horrible trap, we will be stronger and happier than ever before.

     
    Old 06-08-2006, 08:46 PM   #19
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    Pinstriped-
    I'm so sorry I didn't come on here sooner to help you out. You know what, though, your attitude is AMAZING. You are absolutely right about your brain chemistry changing as you gain weight. We were actually just talking about that in my outpatient program today. When you are at a low weight (like with anorexia) the chemicals in your brain are completely out of whack and you "feel" fat even when you are still at a crucially low weight. I know that I feel gigantic right now (and I really believe it), but according to the scale (I don't weigh myself, but my therapist does) and I've probably gained 2lbs at most. So yeah, I'm heavier, but not enough to justify feeling THIS much larger. You've got to trust that it's all in your head. ED wants to keep hanging on, but just think about how miserable you are with him. He even translates compliments (like when your friend told you you look so much better!) and changes them into insults (making you think she said you look FATTER). For all you know, she could have been noticing how much happier and lighthearted you seem! And I'm sure your face just has more of a glow to it. Seriously.
    You are doing so awesome. Don't give up now. I know you can do this and we will support you 100% with everything. Just think about how free you felt on your Hershey weekend!!

    Joni- I'm so happy that you ordered that hamburger the other night at dinner! That is so awesome. Do you realize how much progress you have made in the past several months. I think sometimes we forget how far we've actually come. I am so proud of us. How did you feel after the hamburger? Didn't you feel more satisfied than you have in months? I'm sure your body loved it just as much as your mind did. I truly think that our bodies crave things that they need and when we are dying for chocolate, hamburgers, or cheese, we really NEED something in them - flavanoids, iron, or calcium...whatever! I want you to know also that if you do end up weighing yourself (which you shouldn't) and the 130lbs is true weight, DO NOT freak out. Think about how long you have been trying at this and how little that is compared to how much you have been eating!!! You honestly must be tired of having to force so much food down every single day. I really still don't know how you eat your entire meal plan every single day without flinching and you haven't even gained that much weight. I have a meal plan from IOP (like i told you before) and I don't think I've done the whole thing for an entire day in the 4 or 5 weeks that I've been there. It's so much food! And there is always a reason why I can't do it all. Do you SERIOUSLY follow yours to a T? I'm not saying you have been lying (not at all!) I just can't imagine you don't feel t he urge to restrict ever after a gigantic meal. Tell me how you do it! I need some inspiration!!

    I am feeling really weird tonight - FAT. I am still really motivated to recover and I'm so happy that I am doing this program, but I just seriously don't feel like I am too thin. In fact, I know I'm not. Can I just tell you what I ate today and you can tell me wha you think? I already know you are going to have a problem with what I did about lunch, but here it goes:
    Breakfast: 1 piece toast, 2 eggs scrambled with 1oz reduced fat cheddar cheese
    Mid-morning: Coffee with nonfat milk
    Lunchtime: large navel orange, fuji apple (definitely restricted b/c wasn't sure what was going to be for dinner at program - always do this)
    Dinner (at IOP): Turkey sandwich on thick wheat bread with 1 slice cheese, small amount mayo, lettuce, tomato, avocado, 1 cup fruit salad
    Dessert: Regular frozen yogurt and handful of chocolate chips that I ate mindlessly and am pi**ed about!!!

    On days when I have IOP and I know I have to eat dinner there, I skimp on my lunch. It's become such a habit b/c a) we eat dinner at 5pm and that is SO early so I want to be hungry b) I'm never sure what it will be so I want to be "safe" and c) I hate eating when I'm not hungry and I'd feel so anxious if I went in and had to eat dinner on a full/not hungry stomach. What do you suggest I do?

    I also need help/advice about this weekend b/c I'm going up to LA to see some of my college girlfriends and we are going out friday and saturday night (and probably all getting bfst and lunch on saturday and sunday). I don't want to have to stress about the food and gaining weight, but I always do in situations like that. And I'm already feeling bad tonight about the chocolate chips I ate so I don't want to skimp on breakfast tomorrow, or lunch, or anything.

    Any help would be greatly appreciated!! I really don't know what I'm doing or what I'm even thinking right now. Really foggy headed....

    Oh and Dawg, how are you doing? Tell me what's new. Natalie? How are you? Sunshine? Mandabear? Anyone else I forgot to mention...

     
    Old 06-08-2006, 10:15 PM   #20
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    LS,
    I'm so glad you're still in the program. I hope you really try harder to completely follow your meal plan b/c if you're already skimping on things here and there, I'm afraid it's only going to get worse once you're out. That's what happened to me. I totally followed my plan when I was in partial hospitalization, then I went to IOP and started skimping on a few meals and/or snacks, then once I was out, it was very easy to start really restricting again. I don't mean to sound discouraging, I actually want this to encourage you to try harder while you have this opportunity. I don't want to see you fail, you've come so far already.

    I went to my nutritionist last Friday and had lost weight. She wants me to try really hard to at least reach 2300 cals a day to at least try to maintain my current weight, and gradually up that to 3300 to try to gain. She also wants me to quit my part-time job that I JUST started. My therapist was the one who had suggested that I get a p-t job, but the nutritionist said this was not the kind of job I should be doing (teaching children's gymnastics). So now I don't know what to do.

    Joni,
    I'm soooo proud of you for the awesome job you're doing in recovery! It's so nice (and very therapeutic) to hear from someone who is making such great progress. Great job with the hamburger and fries, I can't wait till I get to the point where I can eat a "normal" meal like that and not freak out. Two really big fear-foods for me are hotdogs and pizza, so being able to eat those without having really horrible feelings is a goal of mine. Anyway, keep up the great inspirational work!!

    Pinstriped,
    Hope you are doing better. I had the same problem Sunshine did about wanting so badly to help you, but couldn't b/c I knew I was in such a bad place with my ED. I sat here and tried and tried to think of some good advice for you, but ED was screaming at me so I couldn't think of anything. Let me know how you're doing.

    Hope everyone else is doing well.
    XXXOOO!!!

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 03:00 PM   #21
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    hey gals! i too am sorry i didn't get on here when you were having such a rough time, pinstriped. i hope everything's "settled down" and you're feeling more peaceful now. that "fat feeling" is SO hard to beat and i can picture exactly what you were going through -- just sitting there, unable to do anything, even go to sleep, because all you could do was "feel fat." i'm sorry sweetie, it really sucks. the important thing to remember is that is IS just a feeling, nothing more. it's a disordered thought and it has NOTHING to do with reality, k? i struggle with that one a lot too. the only thing that works for me is distracting myself from the feeling. in other words, FORCING myself to call someone, do something else, NOT look in the mirror, etc. i've found that i can't "make myself feel okay" about the fat feeling, but i can think about/do other things. does that make sense? so instead of trying to "reason" with Ed, i just accept the fact that i feel like a 5,000 pound whale and try to move on. it's not 100% effective, cuz that feeling can be really strong, but it works more often than not. at least. i hope that helps somewhat, hon, but i definitely know where you're coming from.

    and all that stuff about brain chemistry when you're underweight, YES, that is totally true (at least i think it is!) i've read a lot about that and it completely makes sense, you know? our bodies aren't designed to operate properly underweight, they're designed to work -- mind, body and emotions together -- 100% when we're healthy (which clearly, we aren't when we're still underweight). i don't know how much of an impact it has, but don't you feel like you can sort of feel it in little spurts already as you get healthier? like spurts of actually LIKING the way you look or just the fact that you feel MUCH more relaxed and happier more of the time? that's what i notice most in myself as i gain weight (albeit slowly, lol). i just FEEL better, you know? i can think more clearly, etc. anyway, i hope some of this helps.

    ls, i'm worried. (how many times have i said that, lol?!?) but i really am and i hope explaining it to you can make it clear why i'm almost more worried now than i've been in the past. okay, so here's why: i'm VERY worried because i think you're putting on a huge facade of "recovery" and actually convincing YOURSELF (not just others) that you're recovering and gaining weight and becoming more comfortable with food/weight/exercise when in reality, you aren't. at all, kiddo. i'm sorry to be really crass about this and i mean it in the kindest, most concerned-friend way, but this REALLY worries me. because before, you KNEW you weren't making any progress and you knew you weren't moving forward and really, you weren't fully trying to recover at that point. but now, i feel like you're almost on a false "high" of believing that you ARE eating more, gaining weight, becoming more comfortable with your body and getting over Ed. i really think that's more dangerous than the denial you were in before (basically thinking you didn't need help). cuz now you've convinced yourself that you are "recovering," when in reality, you aren't moving forward. does this make sense? how will you get to the point of ACTUALLY recovering when you're 100% convinced that you're doing it already?

    please, please, PLEASE try not to take this the wrong way cuz i really do mean it as sincere, caring message. i am very worried about what's been going on with you lately and it seems like nobody around you notices. it seems like they're all caught up in the "false high" too, you know? they think you're doing what you've gotta do, you think you're doing what you've gotta do ... but you aren't. and unless somebody can notice that and FIX it, you aren't gonna get better. i guess i worry that no one is noticing or will notice and this will just go on as is ...

    a few more tangible things, and i'll let you off the hook. (i REALLY don't mean to berate you for this stuff, but i just get frustrated cuz it doesn't seem like anybody is holding you accountable for recovery; and that includes yourself, hon) so you predicted it and i'm doing it -- what in the he** was that "lunch?" i'm sorry, girl. COMPLETELY inacceptable, okay? i think you need a little reality check here. those "dinners" that you have a IOP are the size of a normal person's lunch, don't you realize that??? i am not exagerrating AT ALL here. it's always like a sandwich and a piece of fruit or something. that is hardly ANYTHING. you have to stop compensating ahead of time for these little ****-pot meals. it's ridiculous. honestly, i'm shocked that's what they feed you. where's the meat, potatoes, vegetable, bread and butter meals? seriously. THAT is a dinner, not a fu**ing turkey sandwich and a measely fruit cup. i'm sure they're being "cautious" because they don't want to freak anybody out, but honestly, i think it's WAY too cautious. i could see you having a desire to pre-compensate by restricting at lunch if the last dinner was lasagna, garlic bread and salad with REAL dressing, but all the dinners are like friggin' veggie wraps with a teensy bit of avocado, what the he** is that?!?! in my opinion, they're weight watchers-type meals that don't even include all the food groups and i think it's bullsh**, honestly.

    but that's besides the point, i guess. my main point is that YOU need to realize this and stop restricting before them. you're smarter than that, so just stop, okay? you asked before how i stuck to my meal plan 100% (which yes, i do. i've broken it probably less than 7 times in the past year.) i've said this before but i'll say it again for reinforcement: it ain't rocket science ... i just DO. that's honestly all there is to it. i know what i have to eat, i PLAN it (very important) and then i make it work. it gets tiring yes, but so does anorexia, so i'm focusing on the greater good, i guess you could say. you said, "It's so much food! And there is always a reason why I can't do it all." oh really? and what exactly ARE those reasons? seriously, stop kidding yourself. you don't stick to it because you don't want to gain weight, it's as simple as that. i know from personal experience that you can avoid any "roadblocks" in sticking to your meal plan with little or no stress. seriously. what, you can't bring a granola bar along when you go to the mall? what, you can't eat lunch cuz you're meeting a friend? it's bullsh** and you know it. sorry about all the profanity in this one, but i'm really trying to get my point across (and apparentely that requires excessive swearing, lol). you need to commit to this thing or it's never gonna work. every time you plan on NOT sticking to your meal plan, ask yourself "Why am i doing this? What will this accomplish? How will this help me get better? How can i avoid making this choice?" seriously, i think you need to go that in depth EVERY SINGLE time you want to restrict/cheat. ask yourself WHY and then write it down. maybe the stupidity of the choice (again sorry to be so harsh, but it's true) will become apparent to you then.

    i'm really going for the marathon length here, but i really hope some of this can help you. i'm worried, hon, and i'm worried that no one who's supposed to be helping you seems worried too. i'm not in any way trying to "cheapen" how GOOD you've been feeling lately -- that makes me really happy! i'm just worried that you don't realize what's really going on cuz Mr. Stupid Pants Ed is clouding things up. i can tell you that i'm 90% sure you're eating no more (and often less) than pre-IOP treatment. think about that, okay? that's NOT how it's supposed to work. i'm thinking of you and hoping and wishing for the best and i'm gonna try to come on here more often so we can chat. we REALLY help each other and i think we've both gotten a little lazy (at least i have!) and haven't been posting as much. so good luck, hon, and stay strong and QUESTION those Ed-behaviors.

    dawg, hey girl! i've missed you too and i'm sorry to hear things haven't been going too well. whenever you've got time, you should come on and go more in depth with it all. just keep trying and remember what worked in the past, k? and pizza, yeah, HUGE fear food for me too (except frozen pizza, cuz the calories are there, you know?) but i feel i'm close to doing it. heck, i did a huge burrito and a cheeseburger, i can do anything!!

    happy, healthy thoughts to all of you and i'll be back soon!

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 04:23 PM   #22
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    everyone who replied to me..thank you so much for your thoughtful advice!! really! i really appreciate those comments. i dont know where to begin?! ls- listen to joni! dont compensate for those meals at IOP. heck that meal (with the dessert!) probably had no more than 1/3 of your daily calorie needs. the only way to fight this ed is to follow your meal plan so do yourself a favor and follow it.

    joni- what you said to ls really helped me also with the excuses thing. i do that ALL the time. tomorrow is my dance recital and we have plans to go out to dinner tomorrow night and before i was already thinking "ok, in the morning, minus a half-cup of cereal from breakfast and for lunch eat a lean cuisine." but after reading what you wrote...seriously im totally throwing that 'plan' out the window and im gonna follow my REAL plan. and about the whole feeling better thing, i am feeling alot better now that i think about it! when i get home from skating practices i actually have enery to go to my friends house afterwords and go in her pool. i used to come right home, eat and then fall right asleep (at 7 pm!!!) im also much happier. today i was talking to one of my friends for 40 minutes about gossip and her cheerleading tryouts and our regents coming up soon ect...and after our conversation i stopped and thought to myself, "wow, i didnt once think about food or weight that entire 40 min." and ive been day dreaming more about things that are totally un-ed related! its really great!

    and again, thank you all for your thoughtful advice!!!! i REALLY REALLY appreciate soo much. i was looking at the history of my past posts and almost exactly 1 month ago was my first posts on these boards talking about how desperate i was for help because i was so depressed. i cant believe how much progress i've made since then and i really owe it all to your girls. i would honestly be so lost without you! you all have helped me tremendously and im so grateful for that !!

     
    Old 06-12-2006, 08:38 PM   #23
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    Ok wow - Joni, are you sure we don't share DNA or something b/c everything you said is so right on. I honestly cannot believe how well you seem to know me- it's almost scary. And the weird thing is, I didn't even realize all of this myself! I have been so into being the perfect patient and the perfect role model at IOP that I have almost tricked myself into thinking I have been just coasting through it. "This meal is no big deal," I'd say - but of course it's no big deal if it's a TURKEY SANDWICH and I've restricted all day to be hungry for it!! And yes I am doing A LOT better, psychologically speaking, but I have to step up to the plate with this weight thing and just eat the da*n meal plan. I brought this all up in group today and it felt really great, but I also felt EXTREMELY vulnerable. I feel like I basically had to admit that I was almost putting on a front this entire time and I really am struggling. But after I admitted to this everyone in the group seemed relieved and almost grateful that I am struggling, too.

    Tonight was VERY intense at IOP. So I went to work this morning and had a luna bar and a banana for breakfast along with some coffee with nonfat milk. Afraid of what was going to be for dinner, I had a small container of tuna salad for lunch and an apple (I know,I know). So by the time dinner rolled around at IOP I was starving (wonderful!, I thought). Our dinner was this: a salad with chicken on it, regular dressing, a little parmesan cheese, and croutons. For dessert we were supposed to eat 1/2 of this giant cookie - THAT is when I hit a wall. I just couldn't do it. I thought I had gotten away with it, but no way ms. skinny pants was going to let it slide (the girl who compares and contrasts with me 100% of the time) and so she brought it up in meal processing right afterwards. "Lauren didn't eat the cookie and we all had to and I feel badly now." I was totally embarassed and ashamed and scared. I felt really fat today and already knew I wanted my frozen yogurt for dessert and I DID NOT want to eat that cookie. So I ended up staying after to talk to our nutritionist for 1/2 an hour and I got a lot of motivation from her. She was saying she really doesn't want to see me backtrack, that I need to push myself, etc. etc.

    I was really motivated afterwards to push myself (AND I was still hungry!) so I went and got frozen yogurt but actually got a TOPPING - peanuts and granola. I still felt like I should do more b/c I wanted to really push myself, so when I got home I ate 10 small crackers literally globbed with peanut butter. I don't even know how much pb I ate, but it was a LOT. So now I feel bad. It's like an endless cycle. I don't want to stay this way, I don't want to lose more weight, I don't want to disappoint my program, but then when I think this way and I push myself I end up feeling bad and full and fat. I am SO full right now and I'm already thinking "Great, now I have to eat a smaller breakfast tomorrow!" But I shouldn't, RIGHT!?!? Why is this so hard for me to grasp.

    Joni, you're absolutely right. I make excuses not to follow the meal plan b/c I hate to feel full and I frankly just don't want to follow it. So this is where it's gotten me. It's just so hard for me to find a happy medium right now. At this very moment all I can think about is that peanut butter....that is not normal!!! But then again, it is not normal to eat a ton of it AFTER a huge thing of frozen yogurt with peanuts and granola!!

    I agree that we have both been a little slacky on the posts lately and we help eachother SO much, so we should definitely try and get on here more often. I'd love to hear advice from ANYONE on what to do from here b/c I'm convinced I'm recovering, but obviously the weight is a big part of it and that's not budging too much. I'm so afraid of gaining weight still and I just can't stand that full feeling. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Hope you all are doing well...Talk to you soon!
    LS

     
    Old 06-13-2006, 03:33 PM   #24
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    Ls- im really sorry for the way your feeling right now. i really hope you feel better soon, you just have to push through and eat. and no the pb and the crackers is not, not normal after a frozen yogurt if you are hungry. when your hungry, its your body's natural way of telling you "yo lauren, i need some calories in here to carry out all your life functions." dont compensate..you can do this!!

    i could use some help today also though. i feel like the FATTEST person i know right now. i hate it, my arms got sooooooo FAT. i feel like a blob. i want to stop right now. i dont want to go back and lose weight but i just want to stop gaining. i feel and look like im getting bigger than everyone around me. like, doesnt that mean im at a healthy weight now though?? since i look like everyone elese. i look "normal" again!! but no, i still hafta gain 6 more pounds and then im gonna be really FAT. and tomorrow is my doctors appointment and their gonna weigh me and i know its only gonna be about 2 more pounds then last time but feel like it should be 8 or something. and today was the last day of school and now i should be happy because its summer. FINALLY!! but im not because i just feel huge. and last summer was my ultimate low. thats when i lost the most weight, cut myself off from ALL social hang outs, was the mopst obsessive and the most depressed. id hate that to happen again. and i wont let it. but i guess thats why im sad, because i cant do that. but that SUCKED! so why...ahhhhhhh I HATE THIS SOO MUCH.

    sorry i kinda started to vent there but i had to get that out...i just hope this goes away soon, i just hafta keep pushin it.

     
    Old 06-14-2006, 03:24 PM   #25
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    girls!! where are you??!? come talk to me lol..

    well i went to the doctor today and i gained another 2 pounds! almost done, but it just seems so long. altogether i 've gained 7 pounds which is great but it sucks at the same because it feels like 20. but anyways..i was surfin the web before and i came across a pro-anorexic site. it made me sick to see the way those girls talk about how anorexia is a lifrstyle and a choice. it made me want to cry. i wish i could help them but they're probably so far off right now. i really hope they like...want to get better soon, ya know? it just broke my heart to read their comments and suggestions on how to starve yourself better and what foods to eat and what excersises to do. i mean..thats NOT a way of life. it makes me so sad and it actually really motivated me to want to actually gain weight and be healthy. well i just thought that was interesting but girls tell me about you!! i want to hear from all of you, how is everyone doing?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

     
    Old 06-14-2006, 09:40 PM   #26
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    Hi Pinstriped!

    Sorry I've been so MIA lately, but now that I have a part-time job in addition to my outpatient program, I have barely any time to read the posts, let alone respond as often as I'd like to. But don't worry - I always catch up and I try to give good advice - just not quite as frequently. I guess it's both a good thing and a bad thing...

    I'm SO proud of you for restoring weight (as they have us say in IOP)...that is WONDERFUL! And it's also so great that you can look at those pro-anorexic sites and be disgusted. I've seen some of those sites, too, and they just make me want to throw a tantrum...lol. I can't imagine how empty and lonely those girls' (and guy's, I guess) lives are and how absolutely miserable they are going to be if they choose to wallow in their anorexia. Anorexia is NOT a way of life, as they say. It is not a LIFE to live with anorexia - it is a prison. You cannot experience life with anorexia. You solely exist, and, to me, that is he**. And to you, too, obviously, because we are both choosing recovery.

    I have a lot to tell all of you about the past few days (VERY emotional and full of twists and turns), but seeing as I JUST got home from my day that started at 6:30 this morning and I'm also getting pretty sick, I think I need to just get ready for bed. I can already imagine myself typing up a novel until midnight...lol. I promise tomorrow or friday I will fill you in, but until then I hope you are all doing WONDERFULLY and I will talk to yu soon!
    LS

     
    Old 06-15-2006, 03:05 PM   #27
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    hey ladies! so she who says we should get on here more often hasn't been on and actually written in a couple days, lol! but i've been reading and here i am, ready to post! i'm actually sort of time-restricted right now (T minus 14 minutes till i get to go home from work and i'm pooped!) but i want to just post a little bit, then i'll post a "LOT bit" tomorrow. (funnily enough, it's really hard for me to decide what i want to say when i don't have time to ramble about ...)

    ls, i hope you're doing/feeling okay. my heart's really going out to you, hon, cuz i know how tough this stuff can be. in terms of the cookie, i'm not saying that not eating it was a good thing or the "right" decision, but i DO understand where you're coming from. 100%. you know my fat-lady-brings-cake-at-work situation? i feel like it's SO similar (except that yours is part of a recovery program, which makes it a totally different ballpark, i suppose). BUT, i completely understand the "i don't want this cookie, i want a dessert of MY choosing!" feeling. that's how i feel EVERY SINGLE time there's cake at work. it's like i know i have the calories to spare to cover it (obviously, lol), but i feel like, "i don't want that thing. i want the cookies/cake at home/pie/candy bar instead that i've been looking forward to having for dessert." and man, it DOES suck. cuz you just want what you WANT, you know? i don't know where i'm going with this exactly and again, i don't think not eating the cookie was the "right" decision, but in a way, i guess i sort of DO feel that way. my therapist is REALLY big on me not feeling "pressured" to do/eat/not eat anything i don't want to, so that's where i'm coming from. she's like, "if you want snickers and cookies instead of cake at work, then you should have what you want. don't feel pressure to eat something unless you're A) hungry for it and B) desire it." but then again, this IS part of a recovery program, so that makes it VERY different from everyday life, you know?

    i don't know what i'm saying anymore! i've confused myself!! anyway, i figure you'll get me (cuz we always seem to understand each other's rambles ...) i DO totally understand what you're going through and i can physically/emotionally just FEEL how much you didn't want that cookie cuz you wanted frozen yogurt. maybe you and i really need to work on our flexibility, you know? like if something presents itself, then we say "okay, this today. oreos tomorrow. no big deal." it's harder done than said though. cuz sometimes, i just REALLY want some dam* oreos. i don't know ...

    well, i've effectively used up 12 of my 14 minutes, so i'm gonna have to let my other points wait till tomorrow or maybe tonight if i get some time. (i should've known better than think i could write a "short" post to you two!) anyway, tomorrow look forward to: (LS) "Be Wary Of Pushing Just To Push -- Ruminations From Personal Experience" and (Pinstriped) "Congrats And Now Is The Time To Fight Really Hard and SHOP Really Hard -- Why You're Rockin' This And How Fun Clothes Shopping Can Be" Talk to you soon!

     
    Old 06-16-2006, 07:39 AM   #28
    Jonistyle4
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    Hey, so i'm back and just want to throw in those other things i meant to say yesterday but didn't have time for (due to my tendency to type till my fingers hurt, lol!)

    LS, the one thing that does concern me a little about the cookie night is what happened afterward. now first of all, don't WORRY or freak out based on what i'm gonna say, okay? i am speaking only from MY experience and although you and i are very similar, we ARE different and we deal with Ed differently in many ways, you know? i'm just throwing this out there as a potential "watch out for this" thing. i REALLY don't think it's a big deal or much of an issue for you, but i do want to say it cuz i think it's good to be as aware of everything that's going on as possible, you know?

    so like the "title" i wrote before, i think you need to be wary of pushing yourself just to push yourself. my reasoning is this: a LOT of my past binges started because, late at night, i'd be disappointed in myself for restricting and i'd be feeling "adventurous" and "brave" and determined not to be such a wimp in terms of food, so i'd tell myself that i was going to "make up" for what i couldn't/didn't do during the day. does that make sense? unfortunately, for me (and i'm NOT saying this will happen to you, i just want you to be aware of it), that desire to compensate for the day ALWAYS resulted in me getting out of control and binging. so basically, just watch out for it. the goal isn't to smush in calories/food at the end of the day, you know? it's to become more flexible and willing in the situations that food presents itself and not restrict during the day. basically, i guess the goal is to eat "normally," which doesn't involve that whole "compensating" thing. i think we get a little weird in our relation to what defines "pushing" ourselves sometimes, you know? (by the way, i'm not criticizing you or judging you in ANY way. i totally have been in that situation 100 million times and still get myself into it now and again, so i'm writing advice here that i need to still work on too, k?) the "good" type of pushing ourselves in recovery is eating that cookie, eating a proper lunch, etc. it really has nothing to do with "making up for lost calories," you know? it's kind of like dealing with the problem from the wrong end if you get my drift. we need to not have the "missed calorie" part happen in the first place, you know?

    anyway, don't worry about this too much, but i just wanted to throw it out there cuz it really relates to my own experience. don't be hard on yourself for what happened that night in terms of the cookie either. this stuff is HARD and it's gonna be hard for a long time and all you can do is keep trying and keep fighting, which i know you're really doing. i can't wait to hear about the rest of the week!

    pinstriped: alright girl, you are doing REALLY well. i know you realize that, but i just wanted to say it anyway. the weight gain is fabulous, really. that alone is going to jumpstart and help your recovery more than anything. i can tell from your posts that you're feeling happier and more free and that's only gonna get better as you get healthier. i know you see yourself as "normal/average" weight right now, but just trust that you're not. i feel the EXACT same way, by the way. it's like i feel totally fine with the weight that my body is at now (which is cool that we don't hate our healthier, prettier bodies, you know?), but then i'm like, "what? i have to gain more?! but i'm fine at this weight, i think i'll just stop here." but it can't work that way and as much as we hate that fact, it IS the healthy truth. just keep telling yourself that even though you see yourself as "normal," your body image is distorted and to others (and in reality), you are still too thin.

    and also, keep reminding yourself that you DON'T hate the way you look now, so how do you know you're gonna hate the way you look a couple pounds from now? this thought helps me a lot actually. when i was 5 pounds lighter than i am now, i thought i looked "good, average, healthy, thin, but definitely not too thin." and now, 5 pounds heavier? i still feel like i look "good, average, healthy, thin, but definitely not too thin." i honestly don't feel "fat" at this weight any more frequently than i felt "fat" at that weight, you know? so as much as i am TERRIFIED by the fact that eventually i'm supposed to still gain 7 more pounds, i try to tell myself that i don't know whether i'll feel "fat" or "good, average, healthy, thin, but definitely not too thin" at the 7-pound heavier weight. does this make sense? anyway, just try to focus on the fact that you don't feel FAT now, right? so how do you know you'll feel FAT then?

    i think we get SO obsessed with that number on the scale that we convince ourselves that if the number goes up "X" number of pounds, we will become FATTY LARD PIG bodies. but experience is proving us wrong, isn't it? because we've both gained weight and that number HAS gone up and we don't look like barnyard animals, do we? this is a thought that's bringing me some comfort lately, so i hope it helps you. i automatically equate the scale moving up with me becoming FAT, but i'm trying to challenge that thought in my mind. because the scale HAS gone up and i'm not fat yet, so how can i logically assume that the scale going up a little bit more is gonna make me fat? i have no basis for that thought! the only "proof" i have to back that fear up is Ed's retarded, illogical ramblings, and we KNOW how often he's been right, don't we? so anyway, i really hope this helps. i think just typing it out is helping me right now actually ...

    and finally, go shopping, girl! you deserve it! if those anorexic clothes don't fit, go buy some new ones that do! and throw out those stupid clothes. i just got rid of about four pairs of anorexic capris and you know what? it felt great! sure, now i only have like two pairs of capris left, but that just means i get to buy more of them, lol! (i LOVE shopping and clothes, by the way) so anyway, if you do actually need to buy some new clothes cuz the anorexic ones don't fit, then go all out and have fun with it! i always though shopping was therapeutic anyway, lol.

    both of you have a wonderful day and write back to me!! i don't have much to do at work today and i don't want to be bored ...

     
    Old 06-16-2006, 10:21 AM   #29
    PinstripedBabe
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    hey joni, thanks so much for the response!! i love your advice, it always helps! also, last night i went to the library and i got that book you told me about.."life without ed." i was so hooked and so concentrated when i started reading it. it really is sooo helpful. when i started reading about ed's colleague's, i almost strated to cry because i could totally relate to the "timekeeper" and the "ms.perfectionist." i dont know why i got so upset but i guess its just because readng it was like a slap in the face or something. i already feel so much better after reading just the first 20 pages! i mean this morning, i woke up, ate breakfast and painted for 3 hours. i was so happy, i used to love painting before ed came along and took up all my time with measuring, counting, excersing and obsessing which totally took my desire for painting away.also, i didnt measuring a thing today (not my cereal,milk,mayo or peanut butter)!!! i really just didnt have the desire, i guess, to measure today. it may just be a fluke today but if i just hold on and continue this everyday, then maybe my habit of measuring will be broken? and, usually after breakfast, id start the endless workouts but today i painted which reguires SITTING! and it felt GREAT!!! im so happy right now. today reminded me that life is just SOO much better without ed by your side. well ill shut up now lol. again thanks for the advice and im gonna go back to painting (im so excited!) and have a great day also...

     
    Old 06-16-2006, 11:58 AM   #30
    Jonistyle4
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    Re: I'm having a hard time

    pinstriped, that makes me so happy! it's wonderful that you were able to relax and just paint like that. it's really a sign of improvement, hon! i have a similar issue, sort of. i'm an actress and originally moved to chicago to act after college. unfortunately, Ed and the binging that started after moving here took ALL of my energy, time, mindspace so i never could focus long enough to work on monologues, audition, etc. i really miss it and i'm sad that all this ed-crap got in the way. right now, i feel it's right for me to focus most of my energy on healing myself, but i can't wait till i get to the point where i feel like i can devote the time and energy to acting again. it's tough because it's really like a second full time job to pursue acting, but i do plan to at least do SOMETHING again soon, you know? my hang up now is actually my meal plan, as odd as that sounds. it requires eating SO much and SO often that i don't know if i'd be able to make it work if i was in rehearsal for a show. (cuz i work till 5pm and rehearsals are 6-10pm on average ... doesn't leave a ton of time for all the food, lol!) plus i honestly can't imagine performing with 100% energy and focus on as full as my stomach gets at night. i know that sounds like i'm making excuses or being petty, but i really just think it would add more stress to my life and make me less (not more) happy right now, i guess. do you think that's the right decision? i'm kind of just waiting till my meal plan is a little more "normal" and "manageable" and then i plan on starting to audition again. do you think that's a good idea? like maybe end of summer-ish? it'll give me some time to work on some new monologues and rebuild some confidence, i think. anyway, i think it's FABULOUS that you were able to devote yourself to painting today.

    also, congrats on the not measuring! i've got that problem too and a couple foods (cereal, PB, cream cheese) i still can't break the measuring cup/spoon habit on. i think it just really takes forcing yourself to not to it, just like you did today. i've gotten WAY better on tons of foods (mayo, butter, ice cream, milk, cottage cheese), but there are still those few that i'm too afraid to put the dam* measuring utensil away for. but the ones i got over, i just forced myself, so i think you're definitely on the right track! sometimes (huge dork moment!), i'll pull out the measuring cup AFTER i serve myself the alleged nervous-food (especially ice cream), but i figure, hey! at least i didn't put it IN the measuring cup! i don't know, TOTALLY ridiculous, but it helps ease some of the anxiety. so maybe do that if you're really freaking out, but otherwise, keep those cups/spoons in their drawer and don't even look at 'em! you're doing great!

     
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