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    Old 06-29-2006, 06:24 AM   #1
    Fibrana
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    Hard to be alone

    Just another update. My fiance and I broke up almost 5 weeks ago and I'm still having a terrible time. Feel like a zombie all the time. So sad and still cry when I have to tell someone at work, etc. All my friends are with someone, so I have absolutely no one to do things with. This is so hard because my ex and I did everything together for almost 1-1/2 years. I feel like I'm in a prison. I can't stop thinking about him and who he's with. It's torture. I believe he has moved on and is having lots of fun, while I'm still in terrible pain. I still have that terrible feeling everyday in my chest and stomach. I'm definitely not ready to date yet.

    On top of all this, right after the breakup, 2 close relatives became very ill, one in hospital still for weeks. It was hard not to call him and talk. I'm sure he is in love with someone else now because he doesn't like to stay single for long. I keep imagining him on romantic dinners, at the beach, doing things he used to do with me, etc. It's so hard.

    I just wonder when things will ever get better. I loved him so much and I've never hurt this bad in my life. I know it was for the best because he didn't treat me well a lot of the time. However, other times were so special and he treated me like a queen. Maybe he has a personality disorder because he was like Jekyl and Hyde. I was always walking on eggshells around him. Not good, I know.

    Everyone keeps saying it takes time, but how long? Almost 5 weeks now and I feel worse! I have not enjoyed life or had any fun in all this time. I'm thinking of going for some therapy through work because I'm sure my sister and friends are getting tired of hearing me whine all the time.

    So, I sympathize with a lot of women on here who are going through the same thing. Let's try to help each other and talk things out. It helps to have this forum to express ourselves. I just don't want all of you to get sick of hearing how sad I am all the time. I'm sick of it myself!

    Thanks again for listening.

     
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    Old 06-29-2006, 06:35 AM   #2
    Bluelani
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Hi hon,
    I was about to log out and I came apon this post.. god I know that feeling
    you have.. I think its the worse we can go through as we know they are out
    having a good time. I hate the aching you talk of. The terrible tingling
    and tightness in the chest. And specially the low selfesteem we seem to
    gain when they walk away.. I am here for you and will do what I can to
    help you through. You are not alone and I am trying to cope with my recent
    breakup.. go to work today with a smile and your head up high I will try
    and do the same thing (keeping fingers crossed).

    bluelani

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 06:56 AM   #3
    Fibrana
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Thanks for your reply Bluelani. I'm not too bad on weekdays when I have to go to work, it's the weekends that are killing me. They were totally filled up with him for so long, spending the whole weekend at his place. This weekend will be especially hard since it's a long weekend here. Two days is hard enough! It's hard to sit around in my small place and wonder what he is doing and how much I miss being at his place and with him. I just feel so alone. You're right about the self-esteem. He made me feel so bad about myself sometimes, that I hardly have any left at all. I have to work on that. Also, it's really hard when you're older to make new friends. So, I feel like I'm going through hell right now. Hard not to be part of a "couple" anymore. Oh well, everyone keeps saying it will get better, so I guess we just have to hang on.

    Wishing you a good day too, I know how hard it is.

    Take care.

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 08:02 AM   #4
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, it will get better although right now that's probabl hard to believe. One thing I feel I need to comment on is this...

    All my friends are with someone, so I have absolutely no one to do things with.

    Why, just because your friends are with someone, can't they do things with you? Just because people are a couple doesn't mean they shouldn't make time for friends. Talk to your friends, tell them you would like to make plans and keep yourself busy. It really does help to get out there and do things with other people.

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 09:24 AM   #5
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jenna_250
    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, it will get better although right now that's probabl hard to believe. One thing I feel I need to comment on is this...

    All my friends are with someone, so I have absolutely no one to do things with.

    Why, just because your friends are with someone, can't they do things with you? Just because people are a couple doesn't mean they shouldn't make time for friends. Talk to your friends, tell them you would like to make plans and keep yourself busy. It really does help to get out there and do things with other people.
    I know, Jenna, people who are a couple should make time for their single friends on weekends, but the reality is often different, sadly. I can personally attest to this as well. I've been single for a very long time now, after breaking up with my last boyfriend two years ago or so. The weekends are STILL killing me! I SO know what you're talking about, Fibrana! It's harder to make new friends in my 30s, and the majority of the friends I know are also in relationships or married. They do not want to invite a single girl to hang out with them and their bfs/husbands, of course. They invite other couples--that's just the way it is. I did recently meet a girl who lives in my neighborhood and we exchanged numbers, but as soon as she found out I'm single and have no boyfriend, the look on her face told me she's never going to call me or want to hang out (she's married and she was just hoping to find another couple to go out to restaurants and do activities with).

    So, I don't know what we should do, short of trying to find a boyfriend. I've been going out to parties ocassionally on weekends or to the movies, some art exhibits, long walks, ect., but it still feels lonely. After a while, I think even the most interesting activities don't make us 100% happy if we have to do them alone. For me, there's always this feeling of "something missing," I don't know, it's hard to explain. I'm dreading this long weekend, too, btw. Not that it helps you in any way, but perhaps knowing that you're not alone in this situation might be at least of some comfort. Hang in there--I hope you can heal from this ordeal and fall in love with a wonderful guy soon.

    Last edited by SophiaM; 06-29-2006 at 09:32 AM.

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 09:40 AM   #6
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    I know, Jenna, people who are a couple should make time for their single friends on weekends, but the reality is often different, sadly. I can personally attest to this as well. I've been single for a very long time now, after breaking up with my last boyfriend two years ago or so. The weekends are STILL killing me! I SO know what you're talking about, Fibrana! It's harder to make new friends in my 30s, and the majority of the friends I know are also in relationships or married. They do not want to invite a single girl to hang out with them and their bfs/husbands, of course.

    I just have to say that this makes me quite sad. Friends are friends whether you are coupled off or not you should still care about them.. I would never ever do this, and I am married. My husband knows that I will see my friends, sometimes together, but also without him around for girl time and so the friend isn't always the " third wheel", and particularly if someone was having a hard time, obviously I would be there and make the time and take them out, take them away for the weekend, whatever I needed to do. This does make me sad, I wish people could value their freinds as much as their boyfriends and husbands or heck even half as much as they value their boyfriends, because in the long run friends are so important and lots of the time last a lot longer. I had a friend years ago who used to do this, she would want to hang out with me when she was single and NEVER want to see me when she was with a guy, the rare time if he was around, but other than that she would disappear. Then return when they broke up. I finally told her either you are my friend or you aren't, and if you aren't that's fine but you can't just use me as a " fill in" when you have no boyfriend. I do agree that things change, obviously when you bring in a new person in your life such as a boyfriend some of your spare time goes to him and in the beginning you do want to see alot of each other, but why should ALL your spare go to him and all of a sudden friends mean nothing? I just don't like this way of thinking, it bothers me...I'm not saying my husband and marriage isn't important, of course it's a priority, but others definitely have a place in that equation as well.

    I'm sorry you are both having such a hard time. what about joining groups to meet people? I am really into horseback riding, and I have met a few people that way. Also through work, I was the new girl and there was a big gruop of them that went out for drinks every so often, finally I just invited myself along and now I have made some really good friends though that. It is harder in yoru 30's, for sure, but hopefully it can be done.

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 09:50 AM   #7
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Jenna, you sound like a wonderful friend--people like you are rare and your friends are so lucky to have you. When I was in a relationship, I also invited single friends to do things with, and especially now after this experience, I would never abandon a single friend if I'm in a relationship myself. This experience has taught me to be more compassionate, although I wish it didn't have to be so long--I think I've learned my lesson by now! lol

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 10:16 AM   #8
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Sophia, I know you would never abandon a friend--you are a wonderful friend! You and Jenna both are really special women and I bet all your friends feel really lucky that you are part of their lives. If they don't, they're idiots. Fibrana and Sophia--your posts made me sad too for the same reason Jenna mentioned. It just sucks that there are people out there who are so insecure and narrow-minded that they won't hang out with their friends regardless of who is in a relationship with whom. I know it can be hard to make new friends, but you both deserve more from your friends, you definitely deserve friends who will be there for you no matter what and who want to be your friend unconditionally. I'm sad to hear you two aren't looking forward to the weekend! I wish you could come here and visit me, I am going to be celebrating all weekend and MN is awesome in the summer! Anyway, you guys should all keep in mind that you can be your own friend--after all in the end the only thing we can really count on is ourselves. I know not everyone likes to be alone and do stuff alone, but it's better than doing nothing and being unhappy. Fibrana, don't feel badly about sharing your feelings with your sister and friends, they should be there to support you. It also might really help to talk to a therapist--what do you have to lose? Breakups are tough, really devestating and life-changing events, and it's totally normal to feel the way you're feeling. I felt the same way when my last serious boyfriend who I dated for 3 years moved out of our apartment--everything was different and I was just devestated. But gradually with time it got easier, and now I can look back and be happy we split up because my life now is better than it would have been if we stayed together. I still love Patrick and we are on very friendly terms, because he is a nice man, but I'm totally over him in any romantic sense, and I would have never thought that was possible while I was so upset over our breakup. So time does heal all wounds, and things do get easier, though I realize that is impossible to imagine while you are in the midst of so much pain. Just hang in there and try to take care of yourself, doing whatever you can to cope and move on. And remember to be a very patient, kind friend to yourself now while you're going through a tough time--you will not always feel this bad, and you will find someone much better to love at some point in the future, so don't give up hope ok!

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 10:33 AM   #9
    Fibrana
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Sophia, it's nice to hear someone is in the same boat as me! A little discouraging though that you're still finding the weekends hard after 2 years. Right now it's hard for me because it's so new being alone. Sure, I try to do things, but end up coming home in tears because nothing feels special anymore. Feel like such a loner doing things by myself. The last few weeks I have just gone to the casino because it is something I can do alone. I enjoy playing poker. I'm finding it hard to go to a mall alone because of the sad music and because I was used to shopping with "him".

    Eventually, I will have to tread into the on-line dating scene again, but I'm really not ready. Also, you're right, most friends who are with someone certainly do not want their "single" friend tagging along, or if they do, it just feels like they've taken pity on me, and I also feel more alone because I'm seeing a happy couple together. We can't win! I loved finally being in a relationship and I hope to find one again one day. Right now though, I would just compare everyone to my ex and that wouldn't be fair. I don't know how men can move on so fast! I read in my book that it's because they exited from the relationship far before it ended, so it's easier for them. I don't know.

    I wish somehow there could be a "women's single club" for single women who would like another woman to go out with to a show or club etc. That would be a dream come true! Single women uniting together.

    Thanks for writing Sophia.

     
    Old 06-29-2006, 11:05 AM   #10
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Fibrana,

    I like to spend time alone, and sometimes I have to because I have no boy or friend around to keep me company. Anyway there are some fun things to do alone, I am really happy to hear you have been going out because it's so good to keep busy when you are going through a tough time. It sounds to me like you are coping really well! Hang in there honey.

    Anyway, in addition to the casino, you might be able to meet people online who play poker (in real life)--that would be a fun way to meet some new friends and maybe even a new bf when you feel up for that. You can also go on walks or just go explore on foot or in your car. When I'm alone, I wear my ipod everywhere, even shopping, so it's less boring and I don't get lonely, so that might be worth a shot. As for women's clubs, there really are some--try looking up the american association of university women online. They do cool things like have trips and special speakers and stuff like that. There is also usually a place called a "Women's Club" in many cities. I know in Minneapolis they have a cool building downtown and have concerts, parties, shows, talks, etc. I am actually going there soon for a pro-choice comedy fundraiser. I also meet awesome people of both sexes volunteering for the causes I believe in (reproductive rights and anti-republican parties, but whatever you like, i bet you could meet cool like minded people if you started some volunteer work). I promise it will get easier and you will start really noticing that you are making progress in moving on very soon. Hang in there!

     
    Old 07-01-2006, 12:16 AM   #11
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    hi fibrana. i hope things are going a bit better. i just wanted to let you know that i am in my thirties also and have had a very positive experience in terms of making and keeping friends after thirty, as both a single person and as part of a couple. i really and truly believe it is all about keeping an open mind. some of my best friends now are people i didn't even like upon meeting them! that's because i was significantly more narrow-minded in my twenties. and even though most of them are in relationships now, they never hesitate to include me. i think that is perhaps because as my mind became more open, i attracted more open-minded individuals to me.

    the same goes for dating. i know it is hard right now, as your breakup is fairly recent, but once you are feeling up to it, maybe a good experiement would be to see if you can't schedule something to do for the bulk of the weekend, every weekend. even if it means going from activity to activity, it might help occupy your mind and at least you will be around people. there are lots of things you can do on your own. and don't hesitate to ask those coupled friends of yours to hang out. the worst they can say is no, and so you just move on to the next friends. either way, the more invitations you say yes to and the more outings you plan, the better your odds are of making new friends and meeting potential dates.

    i hope that you are taking care of yourself as best you can and that you know this will get better. that much i can promise you. just give it time.

    Last edited by bulletproof; 07-01-2006 at 12:18 AM.

     
    Old 07-01-2006, 05:35 AM   #12
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Thanks for all of your replies. This long weekend is killing me. I'm all alone and it's very hard. I have no one to do things with, so I am just going to the casino and losing a lot. Coming home in tears and depressed. To make matters worse, today is his birthday and I want so much to wish him happy birthday, but I know I can't. I'm sure he is with a new woman now and that hurts so much. I'm not sure when this will get better for me. I have this sick feeling in my chest and stomach all the time. Tears come to my eyes when I have to tell someone we broke up. I'm a mess! I really do not know what kinds of activities to do. I'm not into sports, etc., and have always been kind of a loner, even though I'm very outgoing when I'm around people. I'm thinking I'll probably have to go and have some therapy through work because I'm just not getting through this. I know depression is hard on your health and I don't want to get sick. I just can't figure out how to get thoughts of him out of my head (all the things we did together, who is he with now, does he think of me, etc.). Friends are very hard to come by in your 40's. I only have a handful, but they live far away or are busy. Anyway, I'm just praying that I can get through this long, lonely weekend. I've had breakups in the past years, but nothing on this level because I was so connected to him and we were engaged.

    Thanks for you support.

     
    Old 07-01-2006, 07:30 AM   #13
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Hi Fibrana! This situation must be so tough on you, especially that your breakup is so recent and you were engaged to this man, thinking you would get married and spend your life with him. It's so hard to go from that to being single again. Your hopes and dreams were shattered and I think it's very natural and normal for you to be mourning it. I wish there was some "magic pill" that would take your pain away and make you feel better in an instant, but unfortunately it doesn't exist. This is going to be a process and you will go through ups and downs. I had a broken engagement too, a few years ago, and I survived, and so will you.

    You will get through it because deep inside you are strong, and you will even love again, as impossible as it sounds now. Try to take it one day at a time; find something, even a small project to do each day, or maybe visit a place in your city that you always wanted to go to but never had a chance, like a botanical garden--somewhere where you'd be surrrounded by beauty and nature. It always helps me when I'm feeling down to go for a long walk in a pretty neighborhood, or sit and look at the ocean. It calms your mind. Gambling will only make you feel more depressed and it doesn't strike me as an environment that would nourish your soul. You need things to nourish your soul now. Go to a bookstore and pick up a couple of books that appeal to you--something uplifting and encouraging. If it's possible, it would also be great if you could go away somewhere for a couple of weeks. Do you have any friends who live either abroad or in another state whom you could visit? Or sometimes travel agencies offer group tours for people in specific age groups--my friend went on a few when she was single, and it was fun. She went to Spain and Greece, and other countries with other single people and she even made some friends on those trips. That would be a MUCH better investment of your money than a casino, in my honest opinion.

    As for your ex dating someone new already and being happy and care free--I wouldn't bet on it. Please try not to think about these kind of things because your imagination will run with it and make you feel more down. The truth is, you don't know what he's doing. Tell yourself he's alone and miserable as ever, and still full of his weird issues. I very much doubt that he has a new gf after only a few weeks after the breakup. I bet you he's thinking the same about you--that you're probably dating a new guy, happy with him, etc. That's what we tend to think about our ex's. Most of the time, it's not true, though. And besides, the fact still remains that he did not treat you kindly and put you through hell in the last few months. He's not a changed man--he's still the same, don't forget.

     
    Old 07-01-2006, 06:04 PM   #14
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Thanks for your replies. I agree going to the casino isn't the greatest thing, but it gets me out of the apt. for a few hours and kills the day, plus I get to talk to people. I will look for some other things to do because I can't afford this much longer!

    I'm pretty sure he is with someone new because he doesn't wait long at all between relationships from past experience. Even last June when we broke up for a few days, he had put 3 ads on internet dating sites. I was so mad. I wonder to this day if he kept in contact with a couple of women he mentioned chatting to. After that breakup though, we got back together and became engaged, so I put it out of my mind. Who knows though. When we knew we were breaking up (after a big fight again), we had a trip already booked, so decided to go on it as friends. Bad idea. He was cold on the trip, made nasty remarks, and I was in tears the whole time almost, especially knowing we were breaking up when we got back. For all I know, he could have put ads on when we were together so he'd have someone right away after our breakup. She'll find out what he's like in a couple of months. His moodiness, silences, finding something to argue about. However, he is so romantic and loving in the beginning, and I find I'm jealous of his new love. Can't get things out of my mind.

    The day we broke up, he cried with me for 6 hours saying how sorry he was for hurting me, what a good woman I was, etc. I just find it so hard that he can move on that fast after being so distraught about it. Oh well, I know I have to move on, it's just hard after being with someone so much for 1-1/2 years, then suddenly being on my own again. I miss everything about it. And, I still love him so much, even though he was cruel sometimes with his words. He couldn't accept my past and the fact that I had a lot of boyfriends in my 26 years single. I could never get through to him that he was the most special of all and made all my dreams come true. He just couldn't get over it and it haunted him. Anyway, it's a long story and is in my thread here.

    It's hard knowing it's his birthday today and wondering how he is, who he's with etc. Very hard.

    Well, one more day to go of this long, dreadful, lonely long weekend. I actually look forward to going to work!

    Thanks again for your replies.

     
    Old 07-02-2006, 02:47 AM   #15
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    Re: Hard to be alone

    Hi Fibrana

    So sorry you are hurting, I also know the feeling quite well. The difference is I know it even though I am PHYSICALLY still with this person, and let me tell you that you are the winner. At least you have kept your pride so intact, no matter what he used to say to you. Don't think that he might not be missing you..he WILL miss you because he won't find someone to put up with him.

    At the time being, there is nothing to be done except to ACCEPT the situation, and try not to dwell on the positives. He is not good enough, otherwise he won't be enjoying himself by hurting you.

    What I would add to Sophia's suggestion is: try and do things that you wanted but couldn't do while you were with him. Anything that was obstructed by his presence: whether going out with male friends (they are normally quite good friends)...swimming....whatever you were not able to do when he was in your life.Try to use make the best out of your time on our own.

    And please don't call him: he doesn't deserve your good wishes....Let him understand that he lost you.

    Take care

     
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