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    Old 07-12-2006, 07:53 PM   #1
    LS289
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    Jeans getting tighter...

    I have been feeling really anxious lately b/c I have been eating more and exercising less. However, it didn't feel THAT bad until I pulled on my jeans yesterday and they were definitely tighter. They still fit me, but they are 100% tighter - no question. I know that is supposed to happen, but it is still so scary. Do I still follow my meal plan and not exercise? Do I start restricting? I don't want to, but I feel like I'm going to keep gaining weight out of control!
    Can I just tell you what I am supposed to eat everyday? Tell me if you think this is a ton of food!:
    Breakfast - 2 grains, 1 fruit, 1 dairy, 2 proteins, 1 fat
    Snack - 2 grains, 1 dairy, 1 fat
    Lunch - 3 grains, 1 fruit, 1 dairy, 3 protein, 1 vegetable, 2 fat
    Snack - 2 grains, 1 fat
    Dinner - 3 grains, 1 fruit, 3 protein, 2 vegetables, 2 fats
    Snack - 1 grain, 1 dairy
    When I say grain, that is the equivalent to a piece of bread, a cup of cereal, 1/2 of a clif bar or something like that. A fat is 1/4 an avocado, 1 tbsp PB, mayo, or oil. And 1 protein = 1 oz of protein (meat).
    On days when I eat more I definitely feel hungrier and more satisfied, but it still just seems like SO much food.

    For those of you who don't know me yet I am 6' and recovering from anorexia.
    Thanks for any advice.

    Girlygirl -how are you? Dawg? Natalie? Pinstriped?
    JONI - where are you!?!?! I can't stand the fact that you have been missing for so long!!

     
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    Old 07-13-2006, 11:19 AM   #2
    girlygirl11
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    Hi Ls things have been fairly busy at my end but Ive been checking in to read your progress! Sof ar, Im REALLY proud of how youve been doing- you seem to be committed to getting better and eating properly and I'm so happy to see that change- you're absolutely doign the right thing

    As for this post..all I can say is that my recovery went through phases, something liek the following:
    Phase 1- happy to recover, looking fwd to getting better, enjoying the freedom of being "able" to eat more while still nervous about "overgaining"

    Phase 2- worried mostly about gaining too fast, too much, too soon...wanting to slow down, if not stop, because "this is my good weight, Im happy Im eating, things are good"

    Phase 3- continue with plan somewhat unhappily (up and down days), gaining steadily..clothes fitting differently, even if it is my imagination, Im convinced Im going to be fat..TO GET THROUGH THIS, probably one of the hardest phases, I did two things, one very extreme and "weird" but ultimately helpful:
    i) I went through all my pants and skirts (minus sweats) and "put away" anything that fit me at this weight or a lower weight, snugly or even a perfect fit. I wore a lot of sweats but also I bought a few new things to 'treat' myself and reward myself- but I made sure to buy them a little bigger than I usually would. THis way, I would "grow" into them so that when they did fit snugly, they would look amazing vs if they were falling off of me they looked like crap
    ii) for a period of time, maybe 2-3 weeks, I avoided mirrors and even covered up my mirrors in my room with paper. With the exception of a mirror for my face (ie small), I didn't let myself see myself in the mirror, because that pretty much everytime led to me examining my body and convincing myself of things I didnt need to hear...after a while, I knew I could handle myself with mirrors and I took them down..but you'll just know when you can handle it and you shoudlnt act on it until then

    Phase 4- gain to goal weight and slow down gaining till JUST over goal weight (as in, 1-2 lbs). Start maintaining weight and do so for a while, not looking at myself in mirrors when possible or trying not to think about weight...majorly weighing myself regularly to "ensure" no change (NOT to ensrue losing though!!!)

    Phase 5- after time, trial and lots of research/thinking, eventually slow with the weighing to eventually get rid of the scale altogether. eat somewhat regularly, by a plan to some degree, but eventualyl become more flexible and free with my choices to the point where I weight myself at my doc visits only (when I make them), I am able to go out and eat whatever, and although I still worry I dont let myself ACT on it..

    in a nutshell, that's how I went through it...the reason I posted that was because I see a lot fo similarities between my recovery and yours..I know I used to think my recovery, my problem, my SPECIFIC situation is completely absolutely different than anyone elses, until now I didn't realize that that isn't really true..and if it is, there are still comparable situations or aspects. I hope you take from it what you will and that it helps, not hinders your progress..

    As for your meal plan...it is not "a lot" of food at all. Not to mention it is all ridiculously healthy food! When I was in recovery, my snacks would be mostly by calories (I converted the choices into numbers, which isnt smart in the end!!), and I would have anythign that fit within that range. So rather than having a fruit and a starch or seomthing, I would have anything- let it be ice cream, chocolate, fries...anythign that "fit" into the calorie range. I felt this allowed me more flexibility and was overall just more realistic for my progress...how can I consider myself "normal" if I couldn't go out to McDonald's at 11pm and get soemthing with my friends- yes I was aware of what I was getting and kinda half knew before or seomthing, but if I stuck to my very very healthy diet I'd be left with passing a McFlurry for an apple and some nuts instead..and to me, that wasn't "normal", especially cuz at some level, EVERYBODY wants a McFlurry more than an apple!

    Let me know how things work out for you
    gg

     
    Old 07-13-2006, 03:16 PM   #3
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    hi ls! sorry for not posting in a while..the summer for me is really busy but im here now. yesterday was my birthday! im 15 now! i got my belly button pierced..lol..im excited. my birthday was pretty good and i went out dinner. im not gonna lie, ed totally ordered for me. i went to calorieking.com and found the lowest calories entree blah blah. however i had NO problem with cake afterwards. and i didnt excorsise at all yesterday which i had no problem with either. so i dunno. but over all i feel so much better. ex: i actually like that i dont look emaciated anymore. i used to be so upset when people told me i dont look emaciated but now im happy. im also eating alot more things that used to be labled "bad." but anyway enough about me. as for you.. NO thats not alot of food!! its a "normal" amount of food. try to understand that this ed that you have has distorted your view of what "normal" eating is. recovery reteaches you what "normal" eating is..which is what your doing!!! thats a good thing!!

    and girlygirl- thank you for posting your recovery process becauseyou gave me alot of great ideas!!

    and finally - JONI?!??!?

     
    Old 07-13-2006, 09:17 PM   #4
    LS289
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    Hi Girls!!
    Thank you so much for responding.

    Girly - your description of recovery and the various phases is SO helpful. I completely feel like my case is the "special" one where I am going to gain a ton of weight, spiral out of control, and turn into a disgusting heathen...but the fact that you felt that way, too, and so does almost every other person in recovery, is so comforting. It's actually PART of the disease to think that way. I have a question though...once you did get to your goal weight weren't you afraid that you were going to keep on gaining weight and wouldn't be able to maintain? And what if you didn't WANT to maintain? What if you wanted to eat dessert every single night and never exercise? What if you just didn't have ANY willpower after you gave up your ED? That is something that I am very afraid of. I don't trust myself enough to just think "ok, tonight I want chocolate, but maybe tomorrow night I won't, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. And maybe I WILL want it tomorrow night, but whatever!"
    And what did you do about exercise during your recovery?
    I totally know what you're saying about being more open with your snacks and having a mcflurry instead of an apple and nuts (probably same exact calories!), but for me right now it feels better to be safe and literally follow my meal plan to a T. I can't really stand the anxiety of straying from it in a "scary" direction, ya know? But maybe (hopefully!) one day I will.
    I actually did that this morning with breakfast and I felt nervous about it all day even though it was something healthy! Instead of eggs and cheese in a tortilla with juice I had cereal with fruit and cottage cheese...how unhealthy is that!?!? Not at all!! But that is seriously what I LIKE for breakfast. It just felt bad b/c it wasn't what I was "supposed" to have.

    Do you really think my meal plan is not a lot of food? My nutritionist said they might even have to INCREASE it, but I honestly don't see how that is possible. I don't even follow it 100% right now (oops) and I'm gaining weight! Slowly, but surely....

    Pinstriped - I'm so happy you had a great birthday! What kind of cake did you have!? That is so wonderful that you are embracing your body and realizing how unattractive the emaciated look is - I'm realizing that, too. I actually LIKE filling out my jeans and I LIKE not drawing attention to myself simply b/c I am too thin - that's not fun at all. And it is seriously not attractive!
    Keep up the good work. Now you just have to work on not letting ED order for you...stay away from Calorie king and go for what you really WANT when you go to a restaurant. You'll feel happier and more satisfied for sure.

    I am so concerned with where Joni is!!?!??

     
    Old 07-14-2006, 08:13 AM   #5
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    oh, i'm here, i'm here! and don't worry, girls (although i totally appreciate the concern and it makes me love ya'll all the more!), i've been totally okay and doing good! i've just been SUPER busy lately (as i think we all have) and, if i must confess, sort of lazy-pants in terms of writing anything back. i've been reading, but not taking the time to post. i'm sorry! but i've been doing well and feeling pretty good/the same and i'm really excited to be writing again. also, i've been looking for a job (which is motivating, but frustrating at the same time), so a LOT of my spare computer time has been devoted to that.

    so, where do i begin?!? well, first, let's talk about me (lol!) i've been doing pretty good, like i said. nothing really new, just a lot of the same. i'm ONE friggin' pound away from the "goal" and going pretty dam* near INSANE about it!!! i'm like, "Ugh! Can't i just gain that stinkin' measely little pound so i can stop stuffing myself everyday and actually eat in response to something that resembles hunger/fullness and work on NOT counting calories and REALLY progressing?!?!" But slow and steady wins the race, i suppose. So i'm still eating the "diet" of a 300 pound man, and it's harder with the summer heat, but you know me, i just keep stuffing it in, lol.

    my latest struggle has been that i don't *feel* too thin anymore (don't we all...) But i REALLY don't. Before, when i was less weight, i would still have all the "fat" feelings and all that, but deep down, i KNEW that i was too skinny. i could see in the mirror that, despite the fact that i LIKED how thin and "toned" i looked, i WAS too thin. now, i really don't feel that way. i KNOW i'm not fat by any means; that's not what i'm saying. i'm just saying that i honestly 100% believe that i look "average" and "healthy" right now. i look trim and good, but average by anyone's standards; DEFINITELY not too skinny. people don't give me that pitty-ing look anymore, nobody comments on my "naturally thin build" anymore, and this doesn't make me feel bad about myself, but i honestly believe that it's because i DO look healthy and normal and average, NOT "too thin."

    so what's to do with this feeling/conviction? because i REALLY believe it. I LOOK NORMAL. and normal people don't have to stuff 3500 calories down their throats everyday regardless of hunger or being stuffed full to gain one STUPID pound so the scale reads a "perfect" number. i just can't help but feel that this is WRONG. it feels wrong, it looks wrong, i can't "logically" justify it, you know? i LOOK NORMAL, not uber, sickly skinny, so why in the heck do i have to gorge on a daily basis to achieve one idiotic pound that OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to come on to my body?!?! i'm frustrated, ladies! basically, i'm wondering how to deal with this "i'm now "normal/average/healthy" looking feeling." cuz that's really how i appear now -- a little flabby in the arms, full in the butt/thighs -- just AVERAGE. so why do i have to eat all this and add MORE flab??? any kind words would REALLY be appreciated, cuz i'm struggling with this internally. i haven't had one of those "yeah, i AM too skinny" moments in FOREVER, and i truly believe it's because i'm NOT too skinny anymore! so how do i feel okay about still trying to gain weight!?!?!

    okay, that turned into sort of a rant, but that IS the toughest thing i've been dealing with lately, that feeling. other than that, i've been doing good. went to eric's family's cottage for a long weekend this past weekend and actually did REALLY well and was able to feel surprisingly relaxed with 3 days of "scary" food. it felt great! usually i can "get through" those situations, but this time, i was actually able to relax a little more than usual, which made it even more fun. now, a few words for you all and a sincere promise that i WILL write here more often (i feel like i have WAY too much to say!)

    pinstriped - you've been doing REALLY great, kiddo, and happy birthday!!! i wouldn't beat yourself up about looking up the food calories beforehand. obviously, try not to do that in the next similar situation, but hey, it was your birthday, a stressful situation to a pretty high degree, and if that made it a little easier, then so be it for now. plus, it already happened, so no use fretting about it now, you know? plus, GREAT job with the cake! i'm with ls, what flavor? i always get chocolate with chocolate frosting (big surprise, eh?). it's my fav!

    girly - i really liked your last reply to ls and i think i can take a lot from it too. i TOTALLY have that feeling of being the "special exception to the rule of recovering from eating disorders," so it's comforting to know i'm not alone in it. i just feel like i *need* to have an ED and count calories, cuz if i didn't, i'd just lose weight. therefore, it makes me feel like i'm NEVER going to be able to stop counting calories. or even if i can, i'll have to stuff myself full of junk 24/7 just to maintain. i hate it. i never used to be like this, and i don't understand why my body is being so stupid about the weight thing.

    anyway, what i really wanted to ask you was something you said in your post -- how your meal plan/snacks were more in terms of calories rather than food groups and how, although that was good at the time for flexibility, it made it more difficult in the end when you tried to stop counting calories. did i get that all right? i'm the same way, my meal plan is 100% about the number of calories and i TOTALLY view food in terms of "calorie numbers." so how on earth did you stop counting calories???? i feel like i'm NEVER going to be able to do it and that's a really disheartening feeling. how, when you were hungry did you choose between the apple (under 100 calories) or the energy bar (250 calories). i feel like i just choose based on how many calories i "need" for that particular snack. but in a no-counting world, i wouldn't be making my choices that way, you know? anyway, any insights into how you did this, how hard it was, etc. would be REALLY helpful. i'm not allowed to stop yet (stupid 3500 is impossible without counting), but i'm afraid that i'm never gonna be able to stop when i want to, you know? anyway, any advice you've got!

    ls - first of all, i am SO proud of you. you seem to finally be taking this more seriously. you still have a LOT of hard work to go (are you actually following the meal plan daily now? if not, do it!), but at least you're getting closer. and you SOUND like you're feeling happier and more confident which helps everything! like the others said, NO! that meal plan is NOT a lot of food. it's all SUPER healthy (if i were you, i'd ask for some treats in there!) and it just simply isn't a lot (definitely not "too much") food. so come up with a few options for each meal/snack and go for it! you SHOULD be able to confidently switch between cereal/cottage cheese or tortilla with eggs cuz they BOTH work on your plan. don't lock yourself into only safe foods and eating the same thing every single day. cuz then change/flexibility will be harder in the future. come up with multiple options that fit the plan NOW and then switch between them daily. you don't want to get locked into a "food rut," you know? i've always had multiple "options" like that and i really think it's helpful in the end. although i still count calories, there are NO foods that i fear and i can feel confident with any of my many breakfast options, you know? so yes, expect anxiety at first when you try "new" things, but just trust that it'll go away, cuz i KNOW it will!

    ah, the stupid pants scenario. pants suck! there is a good side to this, you get to shop!! but i know it's not as simple as that. i haven't bought jeans in like 2 years with all this crap -- i'm just *waiting* to gain so i can get new ones (mine still fit, but they're all raggedy on the bottoms). so i haven't fully dealt with this yet, but i anticipate it sucking. i have had to get rid of some capris though (i had a REALLY sickly skinny summer before the binging started), so here's how i did that. i waited till i was having one of those "empowered" days before i even TOUCHED them. you know, "i'm fabulous and f*** this ED and i look fantastic (yes, it was a "skinny" day for me) and if these pants don't fit, who cares?!?!?" so i waited till i was in one of *those* moods and then i stripped down and let loose on the pants. i whipped them on and off trying not to think except for "yes" or "no" and tossed the tight (and my God! some of them wouldn't even button, lol!) ones in a pile and kept only a couple pairs. end result? i got rid of the "skinny/anorexic" pants in like 5 minutes and it wasn't painful at all. now, i have like zero pants, but that's okay, you know?! cuz i've been slowly buying more (still hesitant cuz i know somehow i'm supposed to eventually gain at least 6 more pounds, oy). i've been working the gaucho style like never before this summer -- they're loose so i don't "feel fat" in them and they're cheap AND they're stretchy so a couple of pounds forward and they'll still fit, you know? like girly, i plan on having LOOSE pants when i buy them for real. the tight-pants-on-my-thighs feeling triggers MAJOR "I'm fat!" feelings for me, so i figure if i've gotta have slouchy pants for a year or so to not automatically feel like sh** when i dress myself, then so be it. plus, we're tall! wider legs look GREAT on us! so i'd say wait till you're feeling GOOD to deal with the pants issue and embrace a loose, flowing style. i bet you'll look like a million bucks!

    i want to keep writing, but this is the definition of EXCESSIVE, so i'll stop. have a good day ya'll and i look forward to reading some replies!

     
    Old 07-14-2006, 12:05 PM   #6
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    I'm glad my post helped so many of you..given that it was less "advice" and more just a story of what I went through, Im happy it helped!

    LS- Yes, I truly think your meal plan isn't a lot of food. Furthermore, if they increase it more, it still is not going ot be a lot of food. Relatively speaking, it is more food than youre used to, therefore it seems to be a lot. But with that you have to realize that your previous "diet" wasn't by any means a normal amoutn of food, so anyting more only approaches NORMAL- not indulgent or too much at all. Moreover, (although I know a nutritionist won't recommend eating "junk") everything you eat is ridiculously healthy anyways..Honestly, that probably only adds to the feeling that you eat a lot. For example, it's easy to get up there in Cals (this goes for you too joni) if you dont stick to salads, lean meats and fruits. I went out recently with friends and realized how easy it is for calories to add up if you don't watch them liek we do. For example, instead of worrying about getting up to 750 Calories by having like 40 different low cal things (that will probably fill you up WAY before 750 cals), you could have a regular pop, fries and a burger- and ya that's scary, but its not as filling- and once ina while it's not going to give you a heart attack on the spot.

    As for exercise...personally, i hate exercise. lol..I really do not enjoy running by any means, and when I was really sick I would convince myself its "healthy" and therefore I should do it. I found that I was much happier not doing that..meaning I did honestly, as little exercise as I could. I did do a few yoga classes because my mom was convinced it was good (for the soul, mind and body) but I didn't stick to it and it wasn't by any means intense exercise. Probably the most intense exercise I did and have done in the last like..2 years is power shopping all day long in a mall (and ya, stopping to eat of course). No lie! I know its different for you because you started out working out, but Im telling you, doing small amounts of exercise if you ENJOY itor even no exercise cuz really, you don't..will not make you obese overnight, nor will it affect the rate at which you gain. And ya, everyone is different, but I know others who are like that too, so I truly believe that recovery is only easier when you are happy (ultimately with yourself but we've got a long ways to go for that), and that entails only DOING things that make you happy (and avoiding anythign that doesnt, even if its "good" for you).

    As for those worries...I had them too. I worried endlessly and thats partly the reason I was so chained to my scale for so long. I know theres nothign I can say to make you feel differently- its just somethign you need to talk yourself out of and eventually it will start winning over your thoughts in that ED-vs-You battle. It will take time but just you have to keep trying..and if the worst thing you do is freak out because of a number change, then take it out by yellign and screaming and then just waiting it out ..my rule was give it at least 5 days to even out and you'll likely see your weight change naturally..without changing your diet.

    Joni- One thing Im a lil concerned about is your mentality about maintaining...meaning that when you start maintaining, your diet (in cals) wont drop drastically...like if youre barely gaining on a 3500 Cal diet, your maintainance won't be 2000 Cals..it'll probably be jsut slightly less then what youre currently eating, even if you feel thats a ridiculous amount...Like I said to LS, I know youre following your meal plan, and that's great, but ultimately the reason I counted calories instead was so I coudl make more "normal" choices..that mean that you could add up to 3500 Cals by factoring in many different things that may not be "healthy" all the time but are definitely more "normal". I ultimately stopped "counting" after trying on many dfiferent occasions "testing" my "estimating" abilities. Meaning that if I'm used to counting on a cup of rice being 200 Cals and this size, next time I had rice I would estimate the size and know that I needed to have that, or bread, or soemthign liek that. Basically I know in general that dinner is meat and starch and veggies and dessert, so I make substitutions appropriately. If its lighter, like fish, I have more. If its somethign completely different from that, I just..."guess" a size, eat it and see if Im hungry. If so I have a little more. It's kinda trial and error for a while, mayeb losign a bit of weight (but oddly enough, never gaining ) and eventually it jsut evens out. I started with snacks, then meals (when the rest of my meals or snacks I "knew") and eventualyl youre able to do it most of the time...honestly, as hard as it is to say this, its all about trying it out and time..and eventually that'll just prove to YOURSELF what is right and works for you.

     
    Old 07-14-2006, 02:36 PM   #7
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    girly, thanks for the reply. i do realize that when i reach the "goal" weight, i'm not all of the sudden gonna be able to drop 1000 calories off my meal plan and eat according to hunger/fullness, etc. i know it's going to go slow and we'll slowly just start peeling off one "extra" at a time till we find a maintanence level for calorie intake that keeps my weight steady.

    What i FEAR though is that the "maintanence level" is going to be so freakishly HIGH that i won't be able to actually DO IT without counting calories. hence, how will i ever stop counting and eat naturally and get over this dumb ED? i know that these are partially Ed-related fears and anxieties, but sometimes i really wonder how i'm EVER going to learn to eat "normally" without losing weight. it just seems like i've gotta eat at least 3000 calories a day to keep my weight from slipping and i know from experience that without strict control (ie: counting calories and planning snacks, etc. not based on hunger), i cannot eat that much. grrr! that fear frustrates me, cuz it makes me feel even more like i'm that "special case" that won't be able to get better, you know? i guess i just keep telling myself that somehow or another it'll all work out. maybe i can't understand it now, but it's just not logical that i'll have to eat that much for eternity just not to lose weight, you know? so i try not to stress about it *too* much, cuz i figure it'll all fall into place eventually.

    i really like how you said it was basically a series of trial-and-error type tests that got you from counting calories to roughly estimating to not counting at all. i guess that's how it'll work for me, cuz i know i can't just wake up one day and say, "okay, no more counting!" so it'll go slow and be relatively tedious, but i just can't wait for that day that i'm not counting everything anymore! it seems like a dream world, lol! anyway, thanks for the insights!!

     
    Old 07-15-2006, 12:07 AM   #8
    LS289
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    Oh my gosh, Joni, you're alive!!! It was so great to hear from you and I COMPLETELY understand how hard it is to post when you have tons of other things going on. What kind of job are you searching for? Are you leaving the advertising industry? What have you decided about acting and auditions? I am so glad you are back in the loop!!

    So, in response to what you said: I know exactly how you feel. I have gained roughly 5 lbs, I think (I don't weigh myself so that's a rough estimate from what the Drs have insinuated) and I know that I don't look pathetic and sickly anymore. By the way, it took me about 1/10 of the amount of time to gain the same amount of weight as you - talk about scary!! But anyway, I feel "normal" now and it bothers me that I am still supposed to gain a bunch of weight. Don't they see that I am not unhealthy anymore!?!? Don't they see that my face is not gaunt, my arms are not toothpicks, and my stomach has meat on it? I just don't understand why I am still supposed to eat this weight-gain meal plan when I am not too thin. BUT, as you increase weight you also increase your Basal Metaboloic Rate. The amount of calories you burn just sitting around increases as you gain weight and you will need more food. That is one thing to keep in mind. Another thing to keep in mind is what girly said - it has taken you SO much to simply gain the amount of weight you have gained so I can't imagine it taking any less for you to gain those 6 more lbs! Don't even think about maintaining at that weight yet b/c you have no idea what will happen once you are there. In fact, my therapist told me a long time ago that people who reach a healthy weight range (and not just a weight on the lower cusp of the range) have a much lower risk of relapse than those who just gain the bare minimum of weight and try to maintain there. So keep that in mind. What is your GW? Is it too low maybe? What was your weight when you were "healthy?"
    Also, I am 10000000% sure that your arms are not "flabby." Maybe they have a little more flesh on them, but don't automatically place judgment on them by calling them flabby. You need to learn to be more mindful, which, by definition is moment-to-moment awareness without judgment. Notice a feeling, acknowledge it, sit with it, and move on. You are already making your weight gain a NEGATIVE thing when you say your arms are more flabby and you have the diet of a 300 lbs man. You have the diet of a determined woman overcoming anorexia and you are bringing your body back to life and nurturing and feeding it. Sound better!? Haha. Just know that even though you feel healthier and are making progress towards your recovery you still have a DBI (distorted body image) and your "normal" probably isn't so normal. In fact, it is probably much thinner than normal if you've only gained the amount of weight you say you have. I'm sure the doctors would like to see you gain even more than 6lbs!
    You have been doing so awesome and I'm so happy that you are feeling more free and more comfortable doing things like eating out and having weekends away - that is what life is all about!!!

    As for me, I've been really confused lately for the same reasons you are. I just literally feel like I am at a healthy yet thin weight and I do not see theneed for me to gain weight. People don't think I'm "too" thin anymore, my anxiety about food has gone down a lot, some of my jeans are getting tighter - it's just really, really scary! I'm trying to stick to my meal plan, but I haven't been 100% good. Today was pretty close:
    for breakfast (8am) I had a wheat tortilla with 2 eggs and RF cheese scrambled and a nonfat latte
    Snack was a granola bar (1030 am)
    Lunch (145pm) was a turkey sand. on pumpernickel baguette with cucumber/tomato salad
    And dinner (at 10pm - starving!) was a burrito in a bowl (no tortilla) with lettuce, beans, chicken salsa, and grilled peppers
    and frozen yogurt for dessert (SO full).
    I hate the fact that I was so hungry when I ate dessert and I hate how it is midnight here and I am still So full from eating so late.

    It seems weird to me that your nutritionists, Joni and Girly, had you go by calories and not food groups. That means you could just eat a million salads or 3 twinkies and reach the same ---- calories? I can't tell if that is a good way to do it or a bad way to do it. B/c you definitely want to move away from calories, but they are important to know, too. I think our nutritionist basically knows how many calories, roughly, are in ONE carbohydrate, ONE dairy, etc, so that's how she does it. AND it helps us to get a good mix, ya know?

    Joni, are you still not able to exercise? I seriously feel like I MUST be that special case b/c you DO NOT exericse, you eat a ton and you have gained just as much weight as I have and I exercise sometimes and have a hard time following the meal plan most days.

    Girly - how are you doing with your recovery now? Is it hard coming on these boarsds? Do you find them triggering?

    I am falling asleep at my keyboard here - I REALLY need to go to sleep. I'll talk to you girls tomorrow!
    Ciao!!!
    LS

     
    Old 07-16-2006, 12:46 PM   #9
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    LS- how come you wait so long to eat dinner? To be honest with you, your day really isn't that much at all when you put it into a "food" breakdown (vs food choices).. I probably eat more than you NOW, while maintaining (and I'm shorter- 5'6 and probably weigh not that much less than you do now..around 120). When I was recovering and gaining I made sure I had a morning, afternoon and evening snack ontop of my 3 meals. Waiting til 10pm to eat is quite a stretch..if at all possible I would strongly advise you to find some way to either bring a snack or buy something between your lunch and dinner if youre going to be eating that late regularly..even if not I would recommend having snacks regularly along with your meals..

    Im doing well now, as far as recovery goes, and I don't really fidn these boards triggering..honestly now it's almost frustrating, but I know that isn't fair to say. What I mean by that though, is that it's hard being where I am in recovery and coming back to try to "spread" adivce or wisdom that goes to deaf ears...it's frustrating because I'm fully speaking from experience and I just want to help others but at the same time I know that when I was in your position I thought the same as you..it really only takes time and "trial and error" with YOURSELF, like I mentioned.

    Joni- I know it feels like you HAVE to keep track of every morsel you eat to ensure maintainance or gaining, but I promise you that you will adjust and it won't feel like as much of a burden to you. You have to remember that you are coming from a place where you were eating very little, and therefore kept "track" of very little. When you add tons of calories to that, and when you do so in a very healthy way (ie lots of smaller, lower cal foods vs larger portions of foods that are higher cal), you're going to feel like you have a lot of "work" to do to keep track of it all. Keep going along with it and slowly you'll find yourself doign things automatically and not even really thinking about the choices you make anymore, because you know generally how much you need. It'll become second nature to you, not to necessarily count calories but to approximate the amt of food you need without feeling like its tying you down. Furthermore, try letting loose in a sense, while you're still getting used to it and while youre gaining..have a meal or snack that you jsut completely DONT count calories of at all...jsut try to approximate everythign..go out to dinner or get a snack somewhere while shopping or out and about..try to approximate the amoutn you need, just once, and see what happens. Chances are you'll find it's not THAT hard because youve done it so many times while counting exact numbers that once the numbers are gone your motions become a little automatic. And even if it is hard, one meal or snack every few days won't make or break anythign in terms of weight, it'll just improve your mentality so eventually you'll become stronger..

     
    Old 07-16-2006, 02:34 PM   #10
    LS289
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    Girly-
    I totally know what you mean about these boards being frustrating. Even reading posts from people who are where I was just 2 months ago is frustrating. Not in a bad way, just in a, well, frustrating way...because I know that they can get through the hard time they are going through and I just wish that they could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
    For me, it's people who are sitting idle with their EDs and not taking action to recover that is frustrating. I know that they WANT to, but they have to realize that going to therapy or a treatment center is the best thing they could possibly do for themselves. Similarly, I know that you look at me, struggling with my meal plan and with gaining weight and you just wish that I would see how much happier I will be in the future if I just DO IT. But to ease your mind, I do see that. I don't know if you remember me saying this, but I had an ED in high school, recovered, and I am currently in a relapse (6 years later)- so I KNOW what it is like to recover and I KNOW how much happier I was when I was healthy. I have that image in my head.

    That being said, I am following my meal plan, putting one foot in front of the other, and trying to feel good about my body for what it can DO for me and how strong it can be and not just as a body. It's important to see your body as an instrument and not an ornament (as the director at my program tells us).
    The reason I waited so long to eat dinner the other night is only b/c I saw a movie at 8. I wasn't hungry beforehand, so I had to wait until after and that was wayyy too late. I will plan better next time.

    I'm having a really good day today. I've eaten well and I am seriously realizing lately that I am SO much hungrier when I follow my meal plan!! I will eat a huge lunch and be hungry just two hours later! At least I THINK I'm hungry. Maybe I just want more food and i'ts mental.

     
    Old 07-16-2006, 03:10 PM   #11
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    I'm glad you understand where Im coming from..its not that I find it frustrating talking to you, just that it can be hard to keep giving advice to people who..don't wanna take it! I know that you have been there though, and that is a good thing in a way- you have motivation to get to that place where you know is better..you've kinda been through it all already.

    I understand there are bad days and such, but even still, in recovery I know its hard not to, but I really honestly think that when youre working to get better you shouldn't rely on hunger or fullness signals to dictate when or what you should eat..I know it seems illogical but honestly, it becomes that much "easier" in a way to just eat mechanically..and the signals WILL come and they WILL become reliable..jsut for now, you're better off following your plan to a tee, down to regular eating times no matter what. For example, you could've (or should've) eating dinner beforehand, and then even gotten something AT the movies to snack on..that would be completely normal...hunger (esp. right now at this stage) isn't the greatest indicator, and fullness definitely is not. I really don't recommend trying to do it that way because you will only fight with yourself to "force" eating when your mind is really dictating when you are "hungry" or "full"...it's just from experience though, so maybe you find it easier that way, but I honestly believe that until you are maintaining a healthy weight and eating enough without still wrestling with yourself about it, you should just eat mechanically because you have to, even if "you" don't want to I'm glad today is goign well for you, though, and I hope you have more days like this!

     
    Old 07-17-2006, 08:38 AM   #12
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    Hi everyone..sorry i havent been in these boards as much as i usually am. I am happy to hear that your alive Joni lol. its so nice to hear from everyone!

    Joni- once you are done gaining weight, your body will adjust. you will be hungrier for bigger meals. hunger is our body's natural way of telling us we need calories..therefore you body will send you hunger feelings until you reach your calorie needs. it might take some time to get used to but dont worry about it!

    Ls- you sound like your doing GREAT! just keep moving foward like you are. Keep thinking of happiness!!

    GirlyGirl-thank you so much for posting advice! i find all your advice soooooo helpful!!!

    and to joni and ls-sorry but my cake was the complete OPPOSITE of what your favorites are. i had vanilla cake.. vanilla frosting.lol..i always use that because i could use food coloring. i always decorate my own cakes. im very artistic lol. i take about an hour to decorate my cakes evry year. but anyways..i wish i had time to write more but i have super summer assignments to do :-/

    keep postin..keep smiling..

     
    Old 07-17-2006, 11:35 AM   #13
    onetruefriend
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    i hope you can read my water post as your weight gain could be a lot of fluid too i read some fluid gain can be nearly a stone in weight

     
    Old 07-17-2006, 02:53 PM   #14
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    Hey girls,

    Just checkin' in. Don't think i have too much to say, but usually when i say that, i end up typing for hours, lol! I wanted to back up what pinstriped said, ls, it makes me SO happy to hear how you're doing lately. it really just brings that warm, happy feeling to my belly and makes me smile. i feel so close to you (well, internet-close, i suppose!) and it's hard to watch someone you care about struggling. it seems like you're really moving forward, obviously still struggling (as we all do), but it just sounds like you're doing much better in terms of everything, you know? anyway, just wanted to throw that in there!

    i've been thinking a lot about the whole "meal plan" thing lately, and i've got some questions/issues i want to post out here. i'm really looking for advice/reactions on this, so give me all you've got. basically, because my meal plan is 100% calorie driven (okay, maybe like 90%, health matters too, but not nearly as much), as we've increased my calories, we've just "added" a thing here, substituted a thing here (ie: a 200 calorie thing when it used to be a 100 calorie thing) or increased the overall calorie "total" of a meal (ie: my dinners are now X calories of whatever food i want, instead of Y calories of whatever food.) I do take in substantial "beverage" calories, as those are easy in terms of overall fullness, you know?

    so anyway, what's ended up happening is that i am eating A LOT of junk. really, a LOT. and because i'm just not a "salty" person, it's a lot of cookies, brownies, ice cream, chocolate bars, etc. IN ADDITION to regular food. i don't have a problem with the "junk food" aspect per say (i've never had "fear foods," just "fear calorie numbers," i suppose), but i'm just feeling like this isn't right and isn't working. what girlygirl was saying before about eating higher calorie foods instead of low calorie ones, i feel like i do that 100% on a daily basis. i still eat "low calorie" foods like fruits and veggies, but they're in conjunction with other stuff (cheese, PB, sauce) to raise the overall calories, you know? plus, they're healthy, and amongst all the sweets, i gotta get some vitamins and minerals, you know?

    so anyways, don't read into this wrong, but basically what i'm wondering is whether i need to seriously overhaul my meal plan. NOT because i fear junk food, not at all. But because i'm literally eating cheesecake, a brownie, a few cookies, a candy bar and maybe a couple little chocolates in a day (as well as lots of food and drinks). EVERY day. and that just doesn't seem good, does it? even as i'm typing this, i'm second-guessing myself, because frankly, i LIKE eating all those sweets and i don't want to stop. but seriously, it's EVERY SINGLE DAY. it's not healthy, you know? i'm no "health queen," but i worry i may be doing more harm than good by doing it this way, you know?

    anyway, in therapy this saturday, my therapist told me she wants me to increase my protein because maybe all the "empty" sugar calories are why i'm not gaining weight normally. (and yes, i already eat a good amount of protein ... i like my meat!) so she wants me to sub out some sweets for protein stuff (she got particularly excited about cheese and eggs) so, how do i feel about this? i don't like it. imagine, 8 pm at night, i'm already FULL from the day/dinner, and i have a choice between a hardboiled egg and cheese OR oreos. seriously, what would you want? i've been having all that sweet stuff and enjoying it (cuz it's yummy!) and now i'm supposed to snack (when i'm not hungry, keep in mind) on CHEESE?!? i don't even LIKE cheese or eggs that much. so i am NOT liking this. i agree with the THEORY of eating more protein and i think its a great idea, but in practice? i hate it, i really do. don't berate me for this, but i REALLY hate it. if i'm eating more protein foods at MEALS when i'm not already full and just munching to get more calories, i don't mind it at all. but eating stuff i don't really like just to get calories in? i don't like it. i dont' mind being really full to get the calories in, but i want to be full off of foods i LIKE, not ones i'm "eh" on, you know?

    so anyways(listen up, LS, i need input on this part!), i'm wondering if maybe i should ask if i can get a nutritionist and get a whole new, more BALANCED, meal plan instead of this chaotic "arrangement" i'm sticking to now. i'm thinking how LS's plan doesn't revolve around calories, but around food groups balanced throughout the day. i like that (a lot actually!) i'd rather be consuming these "extra" calories without having to think, "okay, now a brownie. then, in 45 minutes, cheese and crackers." i'd rather think about snacks, meals, treats and food in general in a healthier way (which it sounds like LS's plan encourages). do you all get what i mean?

    but then i wonder if that'd work for me too, because i'm already VERY comfortable with ALL foods. like, if you want donuts for breakfast, LS, what does that count as? just one starch per donut? cuz then you'd have to still eat that other stuff and possibly end up REALLY full when all you wanted was two donuts for breakfast (which IS what normal people would eat, not two donuts, a yogurt, an apple and some cereal, you know?) and what if they're donut holes? or what about a jumbo muffin vs. a regular sized muffin? how does all that stuff work? plus, what about "combo" foods, like pizza or tacos? what do you count that as? and are you allowed to just eat pizza for dinner, or do you have to add in things like veggies/meat that might not be on the pizza? do you get where i'm going? i want to ask for a nutritionist maybe, but i DON'T want to lose the FLEXIBILITY in eating that i have now (by only counting calories). if i want donuts, i want donuts. i don't want "one starch, one dairy, two fats, one protein, etc.," you know?

    so basically, i want to maintain the flexibility of calorie-counting (ironic, huh?) but restore some of the health that your plan seems to provide (which my plan SERIOUSLY lacks). what do i do girls??? please throw in ANY input you have and thank you SO much for reading this ... see what happens when i don't have anything to say?!?! talk to you all soon!

     
    Old 07-17-2006, 11:00 PM   #15
    LS289
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    Re: Jeans getting tighter...

    Ok, Joni - so here is my two cents:
    I completely understand where you are coming from. There is no way that I would choose cheese as my after dinner snack. CheeseCAKE, maybe - but not cheese. Maybe you could substitute some of your carbs/sugars during the day for more protein and then save up your carbs/sugars for the night...would that work?
    I know I've said this before, but I honestly wish I had your problem. I cannot believe that you are seriously eating that much and having this hard of a time restoring weight (that is what they make us call it in IOP - not gaining weight). I have basically already gained as much weight as you have gained only I've done it in a matter of a couple weeks and not a couple months! I get scared that maybe that means I am going to become a giant cow, but I have to just take that leap of faith and hope that I don't. Really scary.
    But anyway, back to your dilemma. I really like the idea of having a meal plan that focuses more on food groups and not just calories. Because nutrtitionists know general calorie amounts of food groups and can sort of make a meal plan that is based on calories, but focuses on the food groups, ya know? It's also designed to keep your metabolism revved up and keep your blood sugar from dropping. If i just have cereal and a piece of fruit in the morning I will be STARVING by mid morning. But if I have the breakfast that my nutritionist recommends (2 grains, 1 fruit, 1 dairy, 2 protein, 1 fat), I am energized and alert all morning. I usually make it toast, 2 eggs, cheese, and a glass of juice or piece of fruit. I love it b/c I feel like I have a lot of leeway! And I'm not really sure what your question really was about the donuts, but my answer would be OF COURSE you could have the donuts you wanted for breakfast, but then you'd also have to have some protein and the other stuff, too. But the donuts would probably count as grains and a fat and so you'd only have to add in some protein, dairy, and fruit. The idea is to make each meal balanced and nutritious.
    I think it's great that you don't have many foods that you are completely afraid of and right now I honestly don't think you need to worry about your diet being unhealthy. Yeah, you may be eating treats and things that you deem "unhealthy," but as long as you are getting vitamins and things from other foods, you can really keep eating those fun foods that you like. They are not completely void of nutrition and you definitely need the calories! I would only be concerned if you were older, obese, and didn't eat any "healthy" foods.
    My meal plan works very well for me b/c it doesn't revolve around calories. Or maybe it does, but I don't know the number. I just make sure I get my "protein, grain, fat, fruit, vegetable, and dairy" and leave the rest up to my nutritionist.
    Oh, and you asked about combination foods. She teaches us how to analyze those sometimes (like after our meals at IOP we discuss the exchanges) and I'm getting good at breaking down things like burritos, pastas, etc. For example, you mentioned tacos and pizza. A regular piece of pizza I'd probably count as 2 grains, 2 fats, 1-2 dairy, and depending on if it had meat or vegetables, 1-2 of either. A taco I'd probably count as 1-2 grain, 2-3 protein, 1 fat and maybe 1 veggie, if that. You can do that with SOME foods like clif bars, sandwiches, tacos, pizza, etc, but foods like cheese or yogurt have to count as EITHER protein or dairy - not both. It's sort of hard to figure out at first, but it's really been helpful in figuring out balanced meals and snacks.
    Do you see a doctor or a nutritionist right now? Because I'm sure your therapist knows what she is talking about, but she is probably not as qualified as a nutritionist or doctor is to help you with your weight and meal plans. I would seriously not expect weight restoration to be THIS difficult for you after all this time. It makes me think something else might be going on and you should probably see a DR. or nutritionist to figure that out. And I think a new meal plan is not a bad idea at all.

    Hey, how is the whole job search going? Have you still been putting acting on the back burner? I really feel like we know eachother after talking on here for so long. I love that.
    Let me know how everything goes with the MP and what not.
    Oh, and I just wanted to tell you guys that one of my "GOALS" in IOP this week was to make a mistake in front of a witness on PURPOSE without them knowing it. I was supposed to do it last week and didn't b/c I thought it was too hard and I FINALLY made myself do it tonight and it was so liberating!! While in yoga class, I purposely did a position wrong and had to correct myself in front of the class. I love that I knew I was doing it on purpose, but everyone else really thought I was making amistake. Honestly though, it was really hard to sit with.
    Ok, this has gotten long enough. Write back and let me know anything...haha.
    LS

     
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