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    Old 08-12-2006, 12:02 PM   #16
    tanabear6
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    I know he is not lying to me, because his mother has expressed the same feelings about his girlfriend that he expresses to me. I know his mother would not lie about something like that, and she dislikes his girlfriend as much as he does. So thats not an issue with me.

    And I am not having fun at the expense of someone else: he is. This is his relationship, not mine. And for the record, I have been cheated on in the past. I know how it feels, but I know how it feels when it wasn't warranted. He has expressed to his gf what would happen if the behaviour and treatment continued...she doesn't care.

    I'm not wrong, I'm not doing anything bad...I am just having a fling with a coworker. I'm not cheating, he is.

     
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    Old 08-12-2006, 12:26 PM   #17
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tanabear6
    I do feel bad for his gf...in some ways anyways. Alot of the problems in the relationship have been hers to own up to...they dont' have sex anymore because she doesn't want him sexually, she's always freaking out on him for stupid things, like going out for dinner with buddies of his...he's stressed out and has told her that her behaviour is driving him away,but she does nothing to change it. I know she's being kept in the dark, but thats not my problem...he can be open with her if he wants, but thats his decision. I'm just out to look after myself here, not her.
    Hmm..I take it she's sat you down and explained all of this herself. If not, you're hearing this secondhand, correct? Who are you hearing it from? Is this person credible? Do they have a tendency to lie? Would they possibly have a motive to keep the truth from you?

    Sorry, but I take the mother's statements with a grain of salt. She is getting this info from her son, right? Or is she feeling sexually deprived from this woman, too?

    I mean, if you're happy with your role in all of this, so be it. But rationalizing "being the other woman" partly based on statements he's said to you about his home life is living your life wearing rose-colored glasses.

    What I can't understand is how you would choose to stay in this situation coming from a previous bad relationship. I know you said you need to think about yourself, make your own choices, etc. Does all the lying, sneaking around, thinking about him lying in bed with her in their home really make you feel good?

    I'm just trying to look at this with a bit of common sense. People cheat. Not all, but some do. No judgment here. But, man, if I had a dollar for every time I've read on these boards alone just the last six weeks this excuse of cheaters, "I'm just not getting it at home, my spouse is a nag," I could quit my job. Isn't there a better line these folks could come up with to get into someone else's pants?

     
    Old 08-12-2006, 01:42 PM   #18
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    As a woman that's living with a man and have also been married, I'm going to say to treat him as if he was a married man because as far as my relationship with my BF...he's basically just as committed to me as any husband would be to a woman. We are married without a ring or piece of paper. I suppose not everyone's relationship is like this but his GF probably feels just the same as if he were her husband. I believe that he's a cheater and this is cheating just as if they were married. Expect that if you get caught for everyone to treat you like dirt and be mad as H at you...this is how it goes down because I've seen it happen. I am not trying to judge you because I've done some things that I personally have been treated like I'm dirt so that's why I'm saying this because I know from experience. It seems fun and exciting but people will not be real pleased with you if they find out what y'all are doing together behind closed doors! If you don't care with they think of you then go for it.
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    Old 08-12-2006, 02:01 PM   #19
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    "And for the record, I have been cheated on in the past. I know how it feels, but I know how it feels when it wasn't warranted."

    I think it would be very hard to explain to his girlfriend that his cheating was "warranted." I'm not so sure that she would see it this way.

     
    Old 08-12-2006, 03:27 PM   #20
    Too Sweet 74
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    Tana,
    One more little thing.... If he is that terribly unhappy then he should leave THEN find someone . You are just as much to blame as he is. You are participating ...... Unless his mother is living with them I would not take her word as gospel either. She is, like a previous poster said, getting it from her son.I also think discussing her son's gf isn't right in the work place. that honestly would be none of your business anyway. Since you know how it feels....why do it to someone else? Like I said, three sides to every story. He's that unhappy leave,sell the house and move on. End of story. Be a man about it not a coward. And in my eyes that is what he is. That is exactly how I see my husband,soon to be ex as soon as I can manage it. You better believe that guy is still sleeping with his wife. I wish you would really listen to the wisdom offered here to you and take it to heart. Look him in the eye and ask him why he doesn't just leave her?If he can't maintain eye contact don't believe him. They have no kids I hope. If they don't the whole thing is simpler. She has the right to know if she is being exposed to anything , she also should have the right to seek happiness with someone who will respect her and love her not cheat on her like this guy. You don't know her , certainly in no way enough to call what you two are doing as "warranted".

    Sherri

    Last edited by Too Sweet 74; 08-12-2006 at 03:34 PM.

     
    Old 08-12-2006, 04:18 PM   #21
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    I don't think I'd take a whole lot of stock in what he's telling you is their relationship...That's just one person's side to the story. She may be freaking out because of the way he's treating her, maybe she's freaking out because she thinks he's having an affair? In any case, he should be breaking up with her not trying to fill a relationship void by having sex with another woman and hurting his current GF. Is he staying with her because she depends on him for financial support? Still though, he's doing her no favors by staying and cheating...it gets to a point where they are nothing but roommates. They need to both just go their seperated ways if they have no relationship anymore.
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    Old 08-12-2006, 04:25 PM   #22
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    I think you have rationalized away your responsibility to another human being, as so many do in this situation. You may one day come to accept your responsibility of deception to this other woman. Many rationalize to avoid a sense of guilt and thus allow it to continue.

    It is simply unethical to take part in such a deception. Forget morals and beliefs, this is a universal wrong that cannot be handed off or discarded, only temporarily rationalized away.

    Last edited by Music4All; 08-12-2006 at 04:33 PM.

     
    Old 08-12-2006, 05:08 PM   #23
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    Wink Re: being the "other woman"

    Hey there, well, you sound to me as though you have what i call "A really good Male Attitude", about this affair (if we can call it this) my point is this, if you hadnt got this approach, i would say stop now! but as long as you feel sure YOU wont get hurt by any of this, and you can keep a level head about it all (even if things do stop), then continue and enjoy, most people think this sort of thing is immoral, however if you are having a good time and you get along together in your (own world) the two of you have created, you should not feel bad at all, just guard your own feelings and if either of you feel like you are falling in love or wanting that bit more COOL it for a while then pick up again, you sound smart so you will always be able to throw certain friends and relatives and co-workers of the scent, so you are not caught out, just keep your dignity and grace about you at all times, (this sort of thing has been happening for years and years) just no-one spoke so honestly of it then, Enjoy.............and believe me none of us belong to anyone .....we enter the world alone and we leave the world alone.......think about it... we are a long time dead, and life is no rehearsal!

     
    Old 08-12-2006, 05:25 PM   #24
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tanabear6

    I know his mother would not lie about something like that, and she dislikes his girlfriend as much as he does.

    And for the record, I have been cheated on in the past. I know how it feels,

    I'm not wrong, I'm not doing anything bad...I am just having a fling with a coworker. I'm not cheating, he is.

    So his mum dislikes this girl as much as him! so why is he actually still with her then? is she holding a gun to his head? I bet the reality is far different - as he certainly doesn't seem slow in getting what he wants from people!

    You say you have been cheated on, and you know how it feels - well sorry, but I can only say you are being a tad hypocritical here.

    Yes this guy may be cheating, he is with someone! no you are not cheating, you are single. But what is wrong here, is that you KNOW he is attached to another lady, and you choose to turn a blind eye.

    Yes you have a right to happiness, also to have a no strings sexual relationship with a man if you so wish, But choose someone who is like you, SINGLE!

    Last edited by brook65; 08-12-2006 at 05:26 PM.

     
    Old 08-12-2006, 11:47 PM   #25
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    Are you being immoral? I don't think so, because you are not committed to anyone. He is. So morality, in the strictest sense of the word, is kind of a non-issue. How do I feel about being the other woman in a man's life? Well, the last time it happened I was seventeen, and I can't say that I would do it now, in my thirties. And it's not due to some strict moral code that I have, it's really more about the fact that I just wouldn't find a guy who does that sort of thing attractive.

    Are those really the questions that you wanted answers to? It seems like you need someone to tell you that this is okay, but on the other hand you insist that you're okay with it. Are you?

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 03:56 AM   #26
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    I was the 'other woman' until very recently, however my situation differs to yours in that I was (and am ) head over heels in love with this man (who is engaged). I would not put myself through it and risk his relationship if I didn't feel it was the real thing. That is not to say that not respecting another's relationship is ever not wrong, however when you are in love and hoping he will leave his relationship for you, then you rationalise it.

    I also think, and ended up telling him, that I don't want to be just his 'bit on the side', that I think I am worth more than that. It's about having some self-respect.

    So yes, I do think it's wrong when this is nothing serious to you, you are hurting a relationship for a bit of fun. Also, you may not feel like this forever, and being the Other Woman when you really feel strongly is soul-destroying.

    If you don't see it going anywhere, is it really worth it?

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 05:26 AM   #27
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Spaceyspace
    .... however when you are in love and hoping he will leave his relationship for you, then you rationalise it.
    Exatly. It is rationalization that allows people to do the things they would otherwise never do and would advise others against doing. Rationalization is the nemesis to character.

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 06:23 AM   #28
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    Yes it is, Music.

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 08:34 AM   #29
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    I'm not sure what tana wants by writing about her situation here. It's as though she enjoys being the bad-guy in real life and on this board. I don't know if being abused previously has made her emotionally void, or she's just angry and wants desperately to get even with someone; anyone.
    If her excuses of this affair weren't so sad they'd be laughable ( I suppose this guy's mom hangs out in their bedroom, and can affirm the dying sexual aspect of this relationship?) Hmmm... maybe the guy's girlfriend doesn't like him going out with his guy-friends because she suspects he's a CHEATER. Sure their relationship is bad, yup, she probably senses he's not commited and is cheating.
    I see this as the perfect situation for tana. Tana can get all her anger and aggression out, have the excitement of a booty call, and have no commitments on top of it all.
    I just hope tana doesn't believe in Karma.

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 11:13 AM   #30
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    Re: being the "other woman"

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tanabear6
    I'm not wrong, I'm not doing anything bad...I am just having a fling with a coworker. I'm not cheating, he is.
    There is a point in life where having values matters. Maybe you haven't reached that point yet.
    In any event, like Eve, I have a hard time treating cheating as if it is adultery when people aren't married...

    That said, the difference between a single woman cheating with a guy who is living with someone longterm or a married guy, is the difference between being an accessory to manslaughter or accessory to murder.
    You don't get off entirely scott free either way.

    (You really should have been single in the 70's. No committments, no love requirement before sleeping together. Of course it goes nowhere and means nothing, but isn't that what you want??)

    I also think that you get some sort of enjoyment out of rattling our cages here, so I wish you well, wish I could hear from you 10 yrs from now and see where you stand, but till then I'm passing this thread by...
    Best wishes to you,

     
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