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    Old 09-15-2006, 11:41 AM   #16
    Shorty39
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO????????

    In an earlier post you stated how much of an amazing girl she is and how much she deserves happiness and YOU wanted to give it to her. Well, if you feel that way and really think that all things set aside; thats what you want; then just hold on and don't make any decisions right off the bat. DONT be so quick to give her the boot. Just sit and talk and then maybe the two of you after talking many hours might just rationally come up with the decision that you really don't want each other afterall. Just don't make her feel less than you. I've never been in this situtation personally, but I'd like to think that we all could be given the benefit of the doubt and decide that just because I ended up getting pregnant doesn't mean that affection from someone I care about has to end. We don't have to be alone just cause we're pregnant. It could still work and she doesn't have to be doomed to be w/noone other than the father just cause she's pregnant. Evidently, she knows the mistake she's made being w/that other guy. Even though it's a costly mistake; evidently she knows it will never work w/him. So just be her friend and whatever happens, well it just happens. Don't be so quick to just push her away cause she's pregnant. Like I said it could've been any one of us. I'd just try to start out as friends and you'll know soon whether you should be more.

    Be good to yourself
    Patti

     
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    Old 09-15-2006, 01:19 PM   #17
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    Whether pregnant or not, you really don't want to get involved with anybody who admits to still having feelings for their ex. It's good for her that she finally realized that her ex isn't going to make a good life partner. But she still loves him, as irrational as that may be. She could continue to be in love with him for months, years...a decade. That isn't fair to you.
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    Old 09-15-2006, 03:11 PM   #18
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    First of all, thanks for all the indepth posts/feedback you all have given. I expected the posts telling me to get out but you opened me up to new reasons as to why. But furthermore, an even bigger reason why I posted, was advice the other way on how things could work out. Here's an update on what's happened:

    Last night I talked with her for a short bit (not a lot of time to talk because her cousin just won't leave her alone lately, we're talking more tonight) and figured a good deal out. When I try to be affectionate towards her (small things, putting my arm/hand on her leg, holding her hand) she will often times pull away. Granted, 95% of the time we're together we're around other people, and she really isn't into PDA of any kind, so be it. But she explained to me later that she has and will have a huge guard up. She opened herself up completely to her last bf, and after she got taken advantage of for well over a year, it's tore her up and she knows the more affectionate she is to me, the more she's open to be hurt again, and she's afraid of that. Ok, i can sympathize.

    As far as the pregnancy goes, i stressed to her that it really is affecting me and is on my mind far too much for comfort and that I'd really like her to get tested. She then admitted to me that she had unprotected sex with him well over a year (idiotic, i know) but...she never ended up pregnant. And obviously it's not the guy, he had a one night stand with some random girl and got her pregnant. I asked her...and she said she's pretty sure somethings' wrong with her, and I could tell it hurt her to say it (she is infatuated with pregnant bellies and babies, she loves them to no end). She also said she doesn't think she's pregnant and isn't stressing about it just because she has to pee more frequently and missed one period. She's suffering no morning sickness or any other signs of pregnancy. I guess we'll know for sure in October.

    Ex-bf wise, I really don't know how to go at that. She doesn't stay in contact with him per se, she doesn't call him or talk to him. She does talk about him a bit more than I'd like, but it's never positive when she does. She spent 2 years of her life with him (recently) so a lot of her recent memories and experiences in life involve him, not necessarily revolve around him. It took me nearly 10 monthes to finally get over my 'first love'...everyone has their first love. This was hers. Granted I don't know how long it could possibly take her to get over him, she isn't going back to him.

    So my decision thus far? Hope she isn't pregnant and I'll know more after we talk tonight. It's sensitive ground because I know why she isn't affectionate (her ex-bfs never were, so being with someone that's affectionate is a whole nother ballfield) and she knows why I am...and she apologized for not being more affectionate. She does feel bad when she knows it upsets me, she tells me and i can tell by her eyes when she talks to me. I hope that her guard will go down with time once she realizes that I won't be like her past boyfriends were...I just don't know how much time I should be looking to invest and whether it's worth the time.

    Life sure is a complicated puzzle. =X

    Thanks again for all the support/advice.

     
    Old 09-15-2006, 11:43 PM   #19
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    She is young and obviously confused. Home pregnancy tests are under $10. many clinics offer tests free of charge. Just as a previous post had remarked, even with 1 nonfunctioning ovary, a woman will still ovulate every month and have a period every month. As a caring boyfriend, caring friend, you really first should bring her a home preganancy and be with her while she takes it to insure that she does. It still is possible that she may attempt to claim pregnancy next month and insist the baby is now yours. Whether the test is negative or positive, insist that it is very important for her health that she go to have a visit with a ob/gyn to discuss her missing periods.

    Best of luck~

    d.

     
    Old 09-16-2006, 01:49 PM   #20
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    Did you find out if she is pregnant or not yet? I'm still wishing the best for you guys. I think that you can be a real blessing in this young girls life. From what you say the vibe I'm getting is you really do want to be with her and that you care alot for her. I also believe that she's not been shown how to love somebody with all your heart and unconditionally. So that is why she seems to not be affectionate. That is something that is learned also and she can learn it from you. You don't learn over night so be patient. I had a very bad marriage when I was 18 y/o , got pregnant and yada yada yada. My now husband had to take me and my daughter and teach us how to love. He couldn't do it overnight either. After finally becoming where I could trust again. I started to let my guard down. But even then, I was kinda like a hermit crab ever so often I'd go back in my shell and hide. Till I felt safe again to come out. And finally from repetitious caring , love, and always saying he'd be there for me. I began to love again w/my whole heart. Putting everything on the line and all honesty. Kinda like being naked. All the love and feelings showing. And when I saw that my new husband was gonna always put my needs first and how caringly he done that always I bagan to LOVE with everything inside me. Never to have been let down again. Been married 22 years now and going stronger than ever. With 3 beautiful children.

    As far as her possibly being pregnant. Could you love that child with all you have? She might not be pregnant also. If you take her you've gotta be willing to take the whole package. Baby and all. Sounds like she really doesn't wanna be around her ex either. You can't blame her for that. She realizes now that if she is pregnant or not, that he's no good for her or the baby. I think she might be ready to simply move on. Just continue to do lots of talking and being compassionate towards each other.

    Be Good To Yourself,
    Patti

     
    Old 09-17-2006, 10:53 PM   #21
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    Still haven't had a chance for a 1-on-1 discussion time... /sigh. We never have time for ourselves and it's really starting to annoy me, and she can tell it. It's getting to the point that me being annoyed annoys her...which is probably for the better. Also still no pregnancy test, I don't want to press the issue because I can tell it bothers her when I bring it up (touchy subject and for understandable reasons).

    Tonight she asked me what was bothering me, and I told her that we never get time to ourselves, and since she's so against any affection in front of other people I don't even try to push it (everyone has their thing and I can understand if she doesn't want to PDA in front of people, fair enough). I told her I realize she's not a very affectionate person, but I am, and when I can't be affectionate with the person I care about of course it's going to bother me. She asked me if I was mad and I told her no...it doesn't anger me. I'm not happy about it, but it doesn't anger me.

    Then she looked away (she was sitting in the recliner next to me on the sofa) and I asked if she was mad, she of course said she wasn't but wouldn't look at me. Yeah, she was frustrated more than likely. After about 15 minutes or so she came over to the sofa and piled a blanket over my lap and laid down beside me so I got to run my hands through her hair and rub her back some as she got ready to go to bed. I told her thanks and she couldn't understand that I don't really need much...and that was what I needed to get me by.

    I'm trying my best to sympathize for her by not being overaffectionate. By not pushing to get kisses and cuddle and such, although we've been dating over a month and we haven't had a 'real kiss kiss' for over a week (how sad is that...21 years old and I can't even get enough private time for a full kiss with my girlfriend). I'm lucky to get a peck on the lips as I'm out the door. Today we went to her grandmother's for a family dinner and they drew names for christmas. She put my name in the pot...and her uncle asked what makes her think I'll still be around. She said 'He's not going anywhere for a long while' and smiled at me. I just don't understand her I suppose.

    There's your update. Wonderful huh? I want to do what I can to show her affection and what it's like and how wonderful it can be, but she really is holding back. She told me that she's afraid and withheld so much that the more affectionate she is with me, essentially the more opened up she would be. And the more opened up she would be...the more it would possibly hurt her if I ended up being like the other guys. I got her best girlfriends' number a few nights ago from her mom, and I'm going to try to talk things over with her and see what I can find out behind the scenes (the best friend was maid of honor at a good friend of mine's wedding, she thinks I'm the greatest, next to her fiance). I realize going behind the girls back to her friends probably isn't the most honest and best move I can make here...but I really want to know all I can.

    Once again, I can't thank you all enough for the input and advice you've given. And thanks Patti for sharing your real life experience with me...it gives me hope but also tells me it's a long long road ahead and still a chance of failure.

    Sincerely,
    Brad

     
    Old 09-18-2006, 05:57 AM   #22
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    Brad - you said this isn't what you want and now it sounds like your backpeddling.....do YOU think you'll be around at
    Christmas? I think it was awful smug of her to assume that you will be. She thinks she's got you wrapped around her little finger and she doesn't even have to be affectionate or meet any of your needs. She's using you. I'm sorry, but I thought this one was pretty obvious, and now you're wavering.....
    if she's pregnant and you stay, you're in for a real big mess for the rest of your life.....you're too young to take on that burden.
    if she's not pregnant, she's still not able to meet your needs....
    what are you thinking?

     
    Old 09-18-2006, 07:16 AM   #23
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz
    if she's not pregnant, she's still not able to meet your needs....
    what are you thinking?
    She doesn't meet my needs because she isn't affectionate. She isn't affectionate because A) Her guard is up from her previous ex and/or B) She's never been around affection and her bfs have never given her any. She grew up raised by her single mother that never had a good boyfriend (her mom explained this to me) and so Kelsey never saw affection when she was growing up, it was non-existent. The boyfriends even beat her mom, which makes me think that possibly Kelsey was hit too because she's very rough/physical when she plays around and that's fun to her. Makes me think that that's one of the few things she can associate with 'affection'.

    And a big reason I'm still with her...is that as a whole, she's got a good heart I think. I want to help that good heart be happy. My dad always raised me that if I saw a good person in need of a helping hand, that I could provide, do it. You never know when you might need one...but I don't think he was considering this kind of a situation when he told me that.

    That's what I'm thinking, that's why I'm still with her. I hope and pray that someday soon she'll be affectionate, which is why I'm going to her friend to look for advice on her (I've already discussed things with her mom and that's what I've found out, now I'll see what the best friend can tell me). I know I'm running out of detours and it looks like no matter where I turn, I'm still headed down the same road of breaking up with her...I've even turned to going to movies and hanging out with my guy friends, or going out by myself cruisin around and such to make her think I am out running around and doing my own thing like I would if I were single, and it hasn't phased her.

    /sigh

    Brad

     
    Old 09-18-2006, 07:49 AM   #24
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    Brad - now you're making excuses for her behavior......
    it seemed like you knew what to do and now you're waffling.....
    you want to save her, I know.....but you're just going to end up hurting yourself. Please listen to us......
    She's not going to change and if you go down this road, you will definately regret it.

     
    Old 09-18-2006, 10:20 AM   #25
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    What about your heart? It sounds to me like you have a good heart - why isn't anyone looking out for that?

    Listen, I have to tell you - typically, I am not an affectionate person. My last boyfriend never received PDA from me and he accepted that it was not my thing. I was not affectionate and he accepted it. Until I met my current boyfriend........I want to kiss and hug him at all times. Everything I thought that I was has changed completely because of how I feel for this person. My point is that when you want to be with someone and care deeply for them - you want to be around them, hold them, kiss them. That is a part of intimacy that you need to have. Without it, you are just friends. I realize that is what my ex boyfriend was to me - a good friend. I was in love with him - there was no passion. I am IN LOVE with my current boyfriend and truthfully, you either feel the passion immediately or you don't. Excuses of why you do not want to touch that person are just that......excuses...

    It is not your job to put her back together. She needs to do that on her own. She is leaning on you because she knows that you will be her rock. She may care about you, but there is no passion and there never will be. She is passing time by convincing herself that you are good for her.....when in reality - her heart is somewhere else. It is just going to be harder on you the longer you wait this out, but I assure you......this will not have a happy ending

     
    Old 09-18-2006, 12:29 PM   #26
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    I think it really depends on how you feel about her & the situation. My situation is not exactly the same... but I'll tell ya anyway.

    My ex & I had been together when we were 16 & ended up breaking up when we were 18. We both started dating other ppl. I was also on the pill, but 3 months into the relationship became pregnant. I was happy that I was going to have a baby, though I was only 18 I was ready for this. The only thing that bothered me was that I wasn't totally happy with her father. I tried to think about the future with him, but it didn't seem bright at all. I tried my hardest to make things work out - but he wasn't very involved. He never came to the apts with me, only for the US to find out the sex of the baby & ended up getting upset b/c we were having a girl & not a boy! He was never really around, we had an apt together & he would always go out with friends after work & leave me alone. It was so hard to get through my pregnancy, but I did it & had a beautiful baby girl that I love to pieces. But, when she was 3 months old, I decided to leave her father. After trying for about a year & 1/2 to be happy with him & in the relationship, I realized I was just kidding myself & I knew he was never going to change, plus, I wasn't in love with him & couldn't see myself falling in love with him no matter how hard I tried.

    Shortly after, my ex from before & I started talking again. He had been hurt when he found out I was pregnant, but he was happy for me that I had such a health, beautiful daughter & he wanted to be back with me so bad & I felt the same way. So we got back together officially about a month later & were back together for 4.5 years, engaged for 3 of those years.

    She's continued to visit with her father throughout everything, every other weekend... but my ex was a wonderful father figure for her as well & she still sees him a bit, too. It's tough b/c he helped me raise her for almost 5 years (she will be 5 Oct 5th)... but unfortunately, the relationship did not last. I wasn't happy in the last few years & it just continued to get worse. I tried with everything I had to work on it, but as much as I do love & care about him, I guess we just weren't meant to be after all.

    I have no idea what the future holds, I can only worry about today & while it's not always easy, we get through it.

    My advice to you is to do what you feel is right for yourself. I don't necessarily think you should "put your shoes on & run"... I think at this point, she should test to find out if she IS pregnant or NOT so that you can think about what you feel would be right for you. Remember, too, that she is probably scared & if she is pregnant, not looking forward to going through it alone. This is natural & understandable (I hated being pregnant & basically went through it alone, it was NOT easy)... but that doesn't mean you should deffinitely stay if you don't feel it's the right thing for you to do. If she tests & finds out she is in fact pregnant & you don't think you can handle that right now... you should explain your feelings to her exactly & maybe you could be there for her as a friend & who knows, maybe in the future as you are able to think about how it will affect your life & figure out your feelings towards this girl, then it could work out in the future. There are times when things happen in our lives that might not seem to be happening at the right time, but we're able to deal with them anyway. I would NEVER change what I have gone through... not any of it. But you do have a choice here, it's up to you.

    I wish you the best of luck!

    ~DL

     
    Old 09-18-2006, 02:42 PM   #27
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    You know I just will never understand why we are so so quick to offer our advice and think that it is that way or no other way. Well, that is exactly what it is opinions and WE ALL have them. But we shouldn't be bashing other people and having NO FAITH in them. Where are we when we have lost all HOPE for someone. Things aren't wrote in stone when we are in a bad situtation. We or anybody can get pregnant by someone that don't necessarily think is marriage material. After all, that is a chance you take when having sex. BUT that doesn't make a girl worthless. And that is what I'm getting out of this. We shouldn't be wrote off because we're in a bad situtation. And we never give up HOPE on someone. People DO change and we need to give them that chance. This doesn't necessarily mean for you to go and be with her. But it does warn you to stop and assess the problem. You never give up on someone. If you don't feel like you can be with her anymore then tell her but if there's a chance then tell her. We need to stop bashing her because she's worthless and isn't worth his time. That is hog wash and we all know this could have been us. I'm 40 y/o and if this would have happen to me I would think that people wouldn't have just written me off. Seems like things are grander when we don't make this mistake WELL they aren't . We all mess up. Lets not give up on ourselves either. My friend do what your heart and soul tells you to do. It doesn't have to be a sad story without a happy ending.

    Be Good To Yourself,
    Patti

     
    Old 09-19-2006, 07:03 PM   #28
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    I talked with the friend last night and she explained to me a couple things.

    1. She does truly like me. She isn't just putting up a front to keep her friends happy. She told me herself I was much like a 'nice guy' she had dated before and totally lost interest in just because he was nice she thinks. Her friend told me that the situation with that guy and what our relationship is are totally different and that she really is happy to be with me.

    2. She also explained that Kelsey puts up a wall when she dates someone (sounds stupid, but here we go). The friend started dating a guy and she herself put up a wall on the guy that she really liked. Kelsey scolded her for it and told her that she's putting up a wall and is going to turn away a really good guy. Then the friend looked back at her and told her that she does the same thing when she's with someone she likes. The friend told me she did it with her past two boyfriends and it's probably what is going on now. She also told me that if I wait it out she knows it'll blow over.

    3. Kelsey is one of those girls that likes her space. Alright, I can respect that. I enjoy the time I spend with her and feel like I could never get enough of it, but that may be because we have our space =).

    So I'm still with my 2 options: Break up with her or wait it out and hope there's light at the end of the tunnel. For now I'll be honest and say I really hope there's light at the tunnel. I realize a lot of you that responded are just shaking your heads and sighing at my naiveness or lack of foresight, but I know what I'm getting into and if I get hurt...then meh, nothing new in this thing I call my life. Thanks again for all the help and support, I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

     
    Old 09-20-2006, 12:12 PM   #29
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    Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly

    Quote:
    So I'm still with my 2 options: Break up with her or wait it out and hope there's light at the end of the tunnel. For now I'll be honest and say I really hope there's light at the tunnel. I realize a lot of you that responded are just shaking your heads and sighing at my naiveness or lack of foresight, but I know what I'm getting into and if I get hurt...then meh, nothing new in this thing I call my life. Thanks again for all the help and support, I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
    That is very smart of you. You will never know what could happen if you don't give it a try. You really need to do what you feel is right in your heart & mind. No one can tell you what to do here. It's not going to be easy, but you will make the right choice. All I know is that when you don't give something a try, in the future you could look back & wonder how it coud have been if you'd at least tried. I try not to miss out on an opportinity that could work out... then if it doesn't, at least I know I gave it my full effort. Like with my ex (the one I was with twice, before & after I had my daughter)... I would have never known what could have happened if we tried to be together a 2nd time around if I just thought I knew how it was going to end. So it didn't work out for the long run? I certainly don't regret giving our love one more try b/c I know we truely do love each other... but love isn't always everything in a relationship.

    Don't worry... it will work out the way it should!

    ~DL

     
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