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  • So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

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    Old 07-21-2006, 07:56 AM   #16
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    I 100% agree With tamara, My best friend is going though the same things,
    She and her boyfriend and just had a baby He has a 12 yr old little girl with his ex wife Although She has never seen her Mommy and daddy together she still hopes and Wishes, I mean what Kid doesnt want there Mommy and Daddy together. For an example he bought his daughter fireworks like 80.00 buck worth but my friends thought That was wrong because there baby needed something, Since the baby was born his daughter has craved his attention, she got hurt and had to go to the Hospital she wanted her Daddy there and when the ex wife called to have him meet her at the hospital my friend was angry. but like I told her His ex will be in his life for EVER and just because You have his baby now doesnt mean his daughter is less to him. Kids are kids and they say awful things, but You have to realize they are just that KIDS You have to make the best of the situation. I guess that is why I choose noever to get in a relationship with a Man who Had Kids, I did date one, But I knew Right away I didnt want to take it far. So my point is i guess is that when your in a relationship like that, you got to just deal with it no matter how many kids you have with a guy he still has that One with another women and that kid will be there forever and that kid deserves all the love attention, praise and Respect as the child You two share together, this is not directed at anyone I am just saying..

    By the way I am 24 My Mom past away 2 yrs ago she and my dad were married for over 30 yrs, My dad just got re married and having a step mom is Hard on me at 24 I cant imagine being 10 and going though this.

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    Old 07-27-2006, 08:49 AM   #17
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter


    I was 8 when my parents got divorced and I actually met my "new" step dad a week before we moved in with him. I was so mad at my mom for leaving my dad for some dude(as I called him) I vowed to never give him a moments peace.(which in all honesty I didn't and still don't lol ) I told him the very first day you're not my Daddy and I am not going to listen to you. He also had a daughter who is 6 days older then me who was going from and only (I had one sister also from my mom and Dad) to having two sisters. We fought like crazy too.

    Through the years we there were a lot of fights. I am sure my "step" Dad heard more then once how much I hated him and how he was NOT my Dad. I always felt torn because whenever my mom had a problem with my dad she would tell me. (even today that still happens.) I always felt I had to defend him. Maybe that is what is happening at your step daughters house. Maybe her mom is telling her things her daddy "did wrong" and she is blaming you. Try asking her why she feels so mad at you all the time.

    I am gonna be 22 and I can tell you that I love my step dad more then life itself.He actually ended up being more of a Dad then my real father. We went through some harsh times but during all of that I can not ONCE remember him calling me his step child. Try explaing to your step daughter that you and her dady love her just as much as the 4 year old. Maybe hearing you say this is my daughter(4 year old) and my STEP daughter hurts her feelings. She might feel that you don't love her as much as your "real" daughter. I don't call any of my step brothers and sisters step either.(I actually have 9 brothers and sisters seeing as my dad is on his 3rd marriage. My Mom and "step" Dad are going to have their 14th anniversary this year.) As a matter of fact me and the sister who is 6 days older then me are always telling people we are twins.

    With a little work and maybe some "girl time" she will come around. Don't push herm give her time. Also try talking to your husband. I might have misread the post but it doesn't sound like he is trying to stop the behavior either. Going to get her money because she said she wanted something sounds like he is just giving in. Maybe he can spend a day with her and sit her down and tell her. I love you Mommy loves you and(fill in your name) loves you too. She might be a brat for a few more years...but with a little work I am sure you can come to some understanding. I just hope it works out like it did with me and my "step" Dad. We are so close that I am getting married and while my "real" Dad will be there I want my "step" Dad to walk me down the aisle. GOOD LUCK!

    Old 08-16-2006, 09:48 AM   #18
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    Try to see her as the hurt 6 year old that she is. One response that could have occurred, if you saw her like this, would be to hug her. Her parents are divorced and she is hurting. Most children want their parents back together. Try to not see her as a threat.

    Old 08-26-2006, 10:18 AM   #19
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    Quoting Dr. Phil who is the adult in this? A child will act like a child and an adult should act like an adult. I am not saying it is easy but showing this child love and care will be the best way to have a happy child and a happy marriage should you marry her father.

    Old 09-04-2006, 02:13 PM   #20
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    I don't blame you for being angry. One thing (as hard as it is) you havew to remember that she is probably very confused and taking advantage of the case. Although she shouldn't, she will because she is young. I am speking from expirience. My parents divorced when I was two years old. I was adopted at the age of 11 monthes. So, try to be patient (as hard as it may be), things will change.

    Old 09-11-2006, 01:43 PM   #21
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    Thanks Cortney

    Just an update on things, for anyone who cares. My stepdaughter just celebrated her 7th birthday, (my daughter's birthday is in August, she is 5) and my fiance's family was on vacation here the week of the birthday so we did a "dinner party" for both of them. The main problem I have is that my fiance is not consistent in dealing with his ex-wife regarding visitation. I kind of need a routine (I think kids do too) I understand that things come up and sometimes the visits need to be changed or whatever but it seems like every week they (fiance and the ex wife) don't plan or don't talk it out or if they do talk it out, he loses. I am on medication for bipolar and anxiety and try to exercise regularly to release stress so I don't take it out on anyone. Sometimes in spite of it all, I am mean even to my own daughter. No one's perfect but I'm working on it getting better.

    Old 09-12-2006, 07:51 AM   #22
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    Hope you all had a good time at the party. Sounds like you are trying! Good luck to you!

    Old 09-14-2006, 01:21 PM   #23
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    Unfortunately I can't offer much advice on parenting because I am only 23 and have no kids.. but I do have a Stepmother.

    My parents were divorced when my sisters and I were 6,8 and 9 years old. Naturally, most children are uncomfortable with changed. Growing up my sisters and I didn't like my stepmother very much at all, mostly because.. here was this woman we barely knew, trying to tell us what to do, how to act, what to wear... ect. A child feels loyalty to their parents and may even feel that they are betraying their mother (in this case) if they like "the other woman!"

    Personally I never spoke out to my father or stepmother, but often thought to myself.. "who does she think she is, shes not my mother, she can't tell me what to do." (I had the same attitude towards a man my mother had dated for a long time.)

    It's not you personally that she doesn't like, it's the situation.

    Try to be patient with her. My relationship with my stepmother improved over time. Honestly, I think she realized at one point, that she will never be viewed as our mother, she is my dad's wife. She has since stopped trying to "parent" us. Yes she offers help, guidence, advice.. but more as a friend then a parent.

    As far as the "i want this, I want that.." That seems to be all kids at some point in time! I would just tell her no, let her throw her tantrum.. she'll tier herself out eventually!

    Leave the punishing up to Dad. (I say that because of our "she's not my mom, I don't have to listen to her" attitudes we had growing up.) Leave all major decisions up to Dad and Mom. Offer your advice.. but know when to step back.

    Since the two of you have a child together, his daughter may be afraid that her father is going to forget about her and slip away with his new family. She's probably trying to keep his attention and affection the only way she knows how.

    As someone who was once in your stepdaughters postion, that is all I can really offer. Hope i helped in some way..

    Good luck.

    Old 09-18-2006, 10:03 AM   #24
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    Hi there. Glad to see that you're still working toward making things better for everyone. It may seem like a horrible inconvenience now, but it will be worth all the effort in the long run.

    Keep up the hugs, keep up the special one-on-one attention (so important!), and keep up the tough hide. Your stepdaughter WILL try to provoke you, but as she learns that you like her even when she's being awful, and that you care about her no matter what she says, and that you do not want to replace her mother or take her father away, she will learn to trust you.

    When she learns to trust you, she will be able to relax and enjoy herself more without demanding so much attention or seeking to cause turmoil in what she see's as a potentially threatening situation. I know this is almost impossible at times, but try to put yourself in her shoes and imagine what you'd want. Hard, of course, as an adult, to imagine what is going on in a child's head at any given time, but try it anyway.

    As angry as you may be at times, try to preface things with, "Angelina, I love you but......." Stay calm. Look her in the eye. Refuse to become engaged. Act like the bad behavior bores you. Then, the next time you find yourself having fun with her, or realize that she hasn't done anything in a while to aggravate you, be sure to thank her for.... playing quietly or helping or making things enjoyable or whatever. Tell her how much you like being with her. She will resist, but her defenses will eventually start to fall and you will begin to win the battle.

    As for your husband, who sounds as though he has a big case of the "guilties", you'll have to work on him, too. He is afraid to ever say "No" to taking his daughter, even if it means a great inconvenience, because he's afraid of being seen as a bad guy. And as much as the daughter may fear losing Daddy or losing his love, he is feeling the same way about her. When the ex calls and says she needs him to babysit, he may be thinking, "Geez, I've had a long day and I'm exhausted and I have plans tonight and it's just not a good time for me to do this unexpectedly, BUT.....if I don't take her it will mean I'm a selfish and bad father."

    What he needs to learn how to do is get past that "BUT" part. And I think that's a whole other topic! But when you can, try to reassure him that his daughter will love him even if he doesn't turn his world upside down every time she needs a babysitter. And that saying "No" once in a while does not reflect on how much he loves her. We all make decisions based on emotions once in a while, and we're all especiallly vulnerable to the ones we love, but it is OK to 'be the bad guy' once in a while in order to take care of ourselves first.

    It is good that you are trying to stick to a schedule and that you are trying to get some exercise in, too. Both of those things will help you with your anxiety.

    Try to sit down at a quiet time with your husband and explain that those things are important to the well being of the entire family. Explain calmly and don't get into an "if you loved me" or "you love her more" type of argument. Print articles from the internet. Or, better yet, take him with you to see your treating doctor and let the doctor try to explain. Try to come up with a compromise of some sort - that, barring emergencies, you'll agree to take the daughter out-of-schedule every other time the ex calls. Or that he'll ask you first. Or that he'll take her out for a few hours so you can get in some alone time. Try to find a solution.

    I'll point out again that it's really easy for me to sit here and give all this advice to someone else. I fully realize, though, that is it NOT easy to implement all these things in real life. I cannot tell you how many times I have gone into a situation, swearing good intentions and predicting wonderful outcomes, only to have things disintegrate because I lose my temper at the first barb. It happens. We just have to try to learn from the mistakes and swear to try to do better next time.

    Heck, my dad is like a child these days and there are times when I'm ready to throttle him within the first five minutes, good intentions or not. The grown stepsons can still drive me crazy sometimes. You just try to make the best of it that you can. Sometimes I have to stop, take a breath, and remind myself of what's going on, have to ask, "Is the amount of energy I'm expending on being angry really worth it? Can I just let this one roll off me? Will I feel better if I just let it go?"

    Hang in there. You are trying. Don't make excuses ("but she made me so mad!"), but don't beat yourself up too bad when things go wrong. And like your stepdaughter, remember to give yourself a pat on the back when things go right!

    In fact - seriously - every day you see her, at the end of the day or whenever you're starting to feel stressed, write down ALL the things that have gone well with her that day. Every little, teeny, tiny thing you can think of that was good. And focus on those.

    Good luck to you and all your family.

    Old 10-21-2006, 03:12 PM   #25
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    I would put that little ***** across my knee and spank her good. She does sound like a spoilet Brat!

    Old 10-22-2006, 06:12 PM   #26
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    Re: So Angry at obnoxious Stepdaughter

    I think she sounds like a normal "child" going threw a parents divorce and a new step mom. As adults it is up to us to set the right example for a child and being angry at them when they are hurting will only make things worse. Love can conquer many things and does when we open our hearts to others in spite of their short comings.

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