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    Old 10-17-2006, 08:44 AM   #16
    kitkat77
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    Re: Is there any chance?

    [QUOTE]
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by caringhubby

    SHE NEEDS TO SEE ME MAKING STRONG POSITIVE DECISIONS FOR ME NOT HER IT WILL GIVE HER A WAKE UP CALL I KNOW IT WILL.


    You can be guaranteed that this will definately open her eyes. It will be very hard for you but you HAVE to be cool towards her and give her a dose of her own medicine. Nothing will change until you make a few changes of your own, starting with adding the word "un" in front of your name. Believe me, it will be harder on you than her, but if this doesn't work, nothing will.

    Been there, and it worked.

     
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    Old 10-17-2006, 09:55 AM   #17
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    Re: Is there any chance?

    Wow,

    Hi Caring hubby, or like the previous poster said, perhaps it should now be UN in front of it!

    I saw your earlier post, and was just about to respond, and then noticed that you have changed it.

    I know it is difficult to be tough, I am the same, problem is people like us tend to get walked over.

    But it seems that you are starting now to think about what is best for you! the selling of the house is at least showing her that you mean business, and that you refuse to let her run your life for you.

    God I really feel your desperation in your last post, and sympathise with you.

    I misunderstood about the guy being there for her, I thought you meant when her freinds daughter had died, he was there for her. The fact that you have been told this guy is a 'creep', would say to me that he was giving her attention, (not to say you wern't) it is just that sometimes it is easier to talk to an outsider about our problems when they aren't involved.

    If her hormones are all over the place, she is also obviously depressed, she has lost her freinds daughter, the stress of her freind not getting over it very well and your wife having to be there for support, and then the death of her own mother! Then she has a new social gathering, and this guy came across as (maybe) over friendly, your wife maybe opened up to him and now feels confused. It is a bit like a patient falling for their doctor, not lust, just they can feel close to someone they confide in. They can confuse the emotions of love and attraction, to that of a bit of an obssesion, especially when they are already vunerable! (I hope that makes sense).

    Some people do turn to others when they have problems, maybe she is one those people who turns her back on people that she loves when she hits a crisis.

    How did she deal with problems in the past? you have been together a long time, so how was she about resolving issues in the past?

    Keep being strong, you are stronger than you realise

     
    Old 10-18-2006, 01:59 AM   #18
    caringhubby
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    Re: Is there any chance?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brook65
    God I really feel your desperation in your last post, and sympathise with you - I CERTAINLY DO FEEL DESPERATE

    I misunderstood about the guy being there for her, I thought you meant when her freinds daughter had died, he was there for her. The fact that you have been told this guy is a 'creep', would say to me that he was giving her attention, (not to say you wern't) it is just that sometimes it is easier to talk to an outsider about our problems when they aren't involved. I WOULD SAY SPOT ON

    If her hormones are all over the place, she is also obviously depressed, she has lost her freinds daughter, the stress of her freind not getting over it very well and your wife having to be there for support, and then the death of her own mother! Then she has a new social gathering, and this guy came across as (maybe) over friendly, your wife maybe opened up to him and now feels confused. It is a bit like a patient falling for their doctor, not lust, just they can feel close to someone they confide in. They can confuse the emotions of love and attraction, to that of a bit of an obssesion, especially when they are already vunerable! (I hope that makes sense). OH IT DOES AND I AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY

    Some people do turn to others when they have problems, maybe she is one those people who turns her back on people that she loves when she hits a crisis. YES IT APPEARS SO

    How did she deal with problems in the past? you have been together a long time, so how was she about resolving issues in the past? I THINK SHE BOTTLED THEM UP HENCE THE EXPLOSION

    Keep being strong, you are stronger than you realise
    THANKS

    [quote=Kitkat] You can be guaranteed that this will definately open her eyes. It will be very hard for you but you HAVE to be cool towards her and give her a dose of her own medicine. Nothing will change until you make a few changes of your own, starting with adding the word "un" in front of your name. Believe me, it will be harder on you than her, but if this doesn't work, nothing will.

    Been there, and it worked - THANKS THAT WILL START TODAY WE HAVE A LITTLE PLACE IN SPAIN ON A MORTGAGE (WHERE WE HAVE JUST BEEN) I AM GETTING THINGS IN MOTION TO SELL IT AND WILL RING HER AND TELL HER (COOLY) IVE MADE A DECISION TO SELL IT - done it just rang her and told her cooly IVE made a decision to sell it and will let her know of developments - i could tell in her voice she WAS quite surprised

    Last edited by caringhubby; 10-18-2006 at 02:38 AM.

     
    Old 10-18-2006, 02:43 AM   #19
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    Re: Is there any chance?

    I would say only sell the house in spain, if you really see no need for it in the future. As it seems that, without her, it will come across to her that you are selling it to make her feel bad. Like saying ''I have no need for it now''. One day you may wish to go back there and enjoy yourself again in Spain, who knows?

    Did she actually come and collect her things in the end?

    Also is she under a doctor for her depression, maybe she should be seeking councilling. I say that, cause you mentioned that she always kept things bottled up, it does seem that everything is now surfacing, again maybe due to the change of life.

    Does her sister make any suggestions to you?

    It seems that your wife is a difficult person to communicate with, a bit of a closed book, probably finds it difficult to talk to people close to her - hence like I said before turning to the 'creep'.

    Although I stand by what I said about taking control of your life, and not allowing her to keep you hanging on, DON'T be hasty with any flippant decisions through anger. Make sure you think things through rationaly first.

    As much as I sense your rightful frustration, don't turn against her.

    Let us know how things go. Take care

     
    Old 10-18-2006, 03:14 AM   #20
    caringhubby
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    Re: Is there any chance?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brook65
    I would say only sell the house in spain, if you really see no need for it in the future. As it seems that, without her, it will come across to her that you are selling it to make her feel bad. Like saying ''I have no need for it now''. One day you may wish to go back there and enjoy yourself again in Spain, who knows? **I hear what your saying, we were there only 2 weeks ago and she said she feels like a holidaymaker going there as it is vastly under utilised - I am looking at this from a financial angle - something 1/we ahve thought about in the past but ive made the decision now**

    Did she actually come and collect her things in the end? **our daughter took them to her last week when she sent for tea**

    Also is she under a doctor for her depression, maybe she should be seeking councilling. I say that, cause you mentioned that she always kept things bottled up, it does seem that everything is now surfacing, again maybe due to the change of life. **thats the biggie, she has always said to me, her sister and friend "there is nothing wrong with me, everyone saying im ill etc" she went to the GP in May had blood took, hormonal imbalance was given 3 month supply of elleste duet HRT tabs these ran out mid August and she didnt to back to retest - I and everyone else knows she needs to go back to GP or counselling but shes a headstrong one 9although i would say weak at the mo**

    Does her sister make any suggestions to you? **her sister is as devastated as I am she loves me like a brother, she tells me her sis is confused but determined to go through this alone, she tells me she is making a massive massive mistake and jsut tells me to be strong and get on with things, if she comes back fine but she also agrees it may be too late**

    It seems that your wife is a difficult person to communicate with, a bit of a closed book, probably finds it difficult to talk to people close to her - hence like I said before turning to the 'creep'.**well she is great communicator when relaxed and normal (like in Spain and at the wedding on Sat) she is a good listener but i think she doesnt know what she wants which is making her confused.

    Although I stand by what I said about taking control of your life, and not allowing her to keep you hanging on, DON'T be hasty with any flippant decisions through anger. Make sure you think things through rationaly first. ** oh i will, i dont do knee-jerk nor anger or revenge, I think rationally and analyse things**

    As much as I sense your rightful frustration, don't turn against her.**i would never judge or be vindictive towards her and definitely would not turn against her because she doesnt deserve it, this person is not the same girl I married at the minute, I have tried god i have, i love her deeply and she knows it - yes her actions are torturing me at the moment but i forgive her i really honestly do I cannot bring myself to hate her**

    Let us know how things go. Take care
    **cheers I will**

    Just to add this ladies - i keep getting the urge to go to this club to see him - is this normal? maybe out of morbid curiousity not even to speak to him but just to look at him - i did have a look on the newton hall parks website at newtonhall.net where he works - this is an indoor womens bowling club and he a man of 39 is the main contact - kind of tells you that he likes to be around the ladies and mainly older ladies - i also believe that my wife actually really got into bowls on the back of the girls murder to keep her mind off it - i know these new friends have said to her she is a good bowler and "they will help her be good enough to play at county level" - so they have her hooked - am i only torturing myself further by wanting to go there? thanks

    Last edited by caringhubby; 10-18-2006 at 06:50 AM.

     
    Old 10-18-2006, 08:57 AM   #21
    brook65
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    Re: Is there any chance?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by caringhubby
    **cheers I will**

    Just to add this ladies - i keep getting the urge to go to this club to see him - is this normal? maybe out of morbid curiousity not even to speak to him but just to look at him - i did have a look on the newton hall parks website at newtonhall.net where he works - this is an indoor womens bowling club and he a man of 39 is the main contact - kind of tells you that he likes to be around the ladies and mainly older ladies - i also believe that my wife actually really got into bowls on the back of the girls murder to keep her mind off it - i know these new friends have said to her she is a good bowler and "they will help her be good enough to play at county level" - so they have her hooked - am i only torturing myself further by wanting to go there? thanks

    Yeah that is so normal, you are naturally curious, of course you are, you want to see what he looks like, what your wife may see in him?

    But realistically, like someone said to you, he is probably a 'creep', a ladies man who reckons himself a bit, amongst the ladies, and probably picks up on some ladies being either depressed (as your wife), sad, bored whatever, and probably tries to act out the knight helping out the damzel in distress.

    Caring hubby, I would say, leave it, it will just eat you up inside. Just try and picture him as some smarmy creep, who unfortuantely your wife has not yet come to realise.

    Keep being strong and determined .

    Also I am glad that you hold no anger towards your wife.

    There aint many like you

     
    Old 10-19-2006, 01:23 AM   #22
    caringhubby
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    Re: Is there any chance?

    Thanks Brook - the same advice as my sister and her hubby told me last night - leave it as it will only torture me - the days are not too bad but the nights have been so lonely - I am going to Belgium tonight for a 3 day break from my local bowling club so that will take my mind off things - i know each day will get easier but Brook believe me when I say all i want to do is protect her and it is an old cliche but I will always love her that is a simple fact - I truly believe that she will wake up one day and think what or where the heck she has been i really do but as she said to me 6 months ago "its time for me now" i must have the same outlook - thanks for all your comments I do appreciate it - I have become an even better person this last 6 months - i will maybe post again before Xmas to let you know how things panned out - by then the hurt and pain would have gone and who knows where i'll be - adios

     
    Old 10-19-2006, 04:55 AM   #23
    brook65
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    Re: Is there any chance?

    Your welcome

    Have a nice trip, and the very best of luck

     
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