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    Old 11-05-2006, 06:10 PM   #1
    mirrorreality
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    Unhappy Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    she was overweight when we met, now she has upped her andtidpressants a lot and has gained even more. Sex drive is just gone and im really frustrated. she walks up a flight of stairs, even if she just gets dressed, pants and wheezes loud loud for 5 minuts it's irritating even to be near her.

    She wants to lose weight but will NOT even go for walks, never mind any excercise, there is always an excuse. she eats badly even eats chips and popcorn before going to bed. if I bring this up she whines Im being controlling.

    I am really unhappy. I am really unhappy. I want to tell her how unattractive she is living, I dont know how to put it into words that will not take it personally. please help me with this.

     
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    Old 11-06-2006, 12:31 AM   #2
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    I'll be very straightforward with you -- There isn't a way to tell her this that she isn't going to take personally.

    Generally, overweight people are very aware that they're overweight and don't need someone else to tell them about it. It seems to me that she's probably stuck in a pretty tough cycle of feeling depressed, eating to feed the depression, and then feeling even more depressed because of the weight gain. What she needs from you is support, not comments about how "unattractive" you think she is. Depression is a serious illness and the fact that she has needed the dosage on her antidepressants raised shows that she's obviously not in a very good place emotionally or psychologically. Be willing to support her in any way you can. Try to understand that she's going through a lot right now.

     
    Old 11-06-2006, 04:48 AM   #3
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    Will she go on a walk if YOU go with her? Maybe you can be an inspiration...don't enable her bad eating by buying junk food for her either. Try to make an example to her by exercising and eating healthy foods...maybe this will inspire her? If not then try counsiling and if that doesn't do anything then you may just have to leave her. Personally I could not be with someone that was so huge and unhealthy that they couldn't even walk up some stairs! Do you have kids? She needs to be healthy for her kids if nothing else. I don't know what is going on right now with people but there are so many morbidly obese people...I've never seen such in my life. Can you get the junk food out of the house or will she just go and buy more?
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    Old 11-06-2006, 05:52 AM   #4
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    Hi I wouldn't ever tell her that you find her unattractive, not that you would, but my ex used to mention my weight and it just makes you want to turn to food more.

    What I would mention to her though, so that she doesn't accuse you of being controlling, is, that you are concerned about her health, ie type 2 diabetes, stroke, heart disease, etc the list goes on. Also has she had children? as obesity can also affect fertility, and can cause even more stress on her body.

    So if you mention it from a health point of view, and stress that you are concerned about her and her health, she may listen without getting on the defence.

    I do understand how you feel, your only human.

    Good luck

    Last edited by brook65; 11-06-2006 at 05:53 AM.

     
    Old 11-06-2006, 06:06 AM   #5
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    I do not know exactly how being overweight is, but I can take a guess. My aunt is very overweight, and it seemed that, for awhile, she was trying to control it and get trimmed down. But somewhere along the way, it appears that she just kind of gave up and is accepting that she will just be overweight. Along with the acceptance came a lot more weight gain, so now she is quite heavy and isn't really doing anything about it. I can imagine that it must feel pretty hopeless at times- you try at first to lose weight, but if you are very overweight, it seems pretty impossible to ever be 'thin' or even get down to a smaller size, as you just look at yourself as being so big. Its a hard thing to do, I mean look at the weight-loss market in the United States...isn't a multi-million dollar industry? Im sure that thousands of people have the same problem, in that they want to lose weight but feel so hopeless and wish to do it the quick and easy way, like popping a pill or something.

    But, I think Jessbear makes a great point about her antidepressants. First off, a MAJOR side effect of antidepressants is weight gain. This happens a lot, from what I understand. If she was already on these when you met, and was already overweight, AND she upped her dosage...this goes to show that there is a lot more going on in there than she might let on. I mean emotion-wise. Maybe you can try to figure out what that is, why she is unhappy, if she uses food as comfort, how she feels about her weight. It seems like she is using food to assuage her problems, as you say she never exercises and eats junk often. That might tell you a lot right there.

    I also agree with others that you should NEVER be negative toward a woman about her weight. If you do find it repulsive or unhealthy, suggest this to her in a positive way, i.e., becoming proactive. Things like joining a gym TOGETHER, cooking healthy meals for her, being really positive and supportive can really make a difference, and I also agree with others that you should make it more a concern about her health than about you.

    With that said, I do understand how you feel. It is hard to look at someone that you love and not be attracted to them, not to mention be frustrated over the fact that they dont seem to care. This can cause resentment and I get that. However, I really would bet that deep-down, she doesnt want to be this way. And I would also bet that its not laziness, but a combo of depression, medication side-effects, and feeling hopeless about changing. Hope I helped.

     
    Old 11-06-2006, 07:26 AM   #6
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    What is she in relationship to you. Wife or gf? Why are you staying with her than. You either have to be supportive like other people say or leave.

     
    Old 11-06-2006, 10:26 AM   #7
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    Finally. Someone who realizes that looks are MOST important.

    Screw love, it's all about not living all unattractive.

     
    Old 11-06-2006, 01:47 PM   #8
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    You should support her with her depression and exercise habits, but there's only so much you can do to help another person before they need to start taking the reigns and helping themself.

    It's easy for people to sit on the sidelines and say, "well obviously you need to support her, she's going through a rough time and blah blah blah". But has she sought out help at all for her depression besides upping her medication? Has she gone to therapy at all? If it is just a "rough patch" then that means that it should improve over time with her seeking treatment, not overeating and blaming it on anti-depressants when she's eating popcorn and ice cream before bed and doing zero physical activity. I'm pretty sure wheezing while pulling on your jeans isn't a side effect of AD's. How long has she been like this?

    Don't get me wrong, support is great, but if you see no light at the end of the tunnel then you need to start looking out for number one. Healthy relationships are about working through problems and finding solutions that are mutually beneficial, mutual being the key word. I've dealth with depression and anxiety in the past and worked through it over the years to manage it in positive ways, and granted it is a lot to deal with. But I managed through it, and if I can anybody can. Talk to her about what you're thinking but in a sensitive way. If you don't the resentment may be too much to overcome and it will turn into a lost cause

    Last edited by CyberNick; 11-06-2006 at 01:50 PM.

     
    Old 11-07-2006, 03:25 AM   #9
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CyberNick
    It's easy for people to sit on the sidelines and say, "well obviously you need to support her, she's going through a rough time and blah blah blah". But has she sought out help at all for her depression besides upping her medication? Has she gone to therapy at all? If it is just a "rough patch" then that means that it should improve over time with her seeking treatment, not overeating and blaming it on anti-depressants when she's eating popcorn and ice cream before bed and doing zero physical activity. I'm pretty sure wheezing while pulling on your jeans isn't a side effect of AD's. How long has she been like this?
    I am dealing with depression and anxiety myself right now and have been for about 10 years. Oh, and I also have weight issues. Everyone deals with depression differently and everyone reacts to different treatments differently. Maybe the AD she's on isn't working for her and she needs to try a different one. Maybe therapy isn't something she can afford. Maybe she's tried therapy and it hasn't worked for her. What works for one person may not work for another. To me, it sounds as though she's extremely depressed and has no motivation to eat healthy and exercise. Been there, done that. But having a person beside you saying "I know you're going through hell right now but I want you to know that I love you and care about you," can mean the difference between having the desire to get well and not caring at all what happens to you. To support someone doesn't necessarily mean to enable him/her. Supporting someone is having empathy for their situation and what they're going through. I really liked others' ideas about doing healthy activities together. Depression can be too much for a person to go through alone and the original poster's significant other shouldn't have to.

     
    Old 11-07-2006, 05:27 AM   #10
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by keepsgoin
    Personally I could not be with someone that was so huge and unhealthy that they couldn't even walk up some stairs!
    I just wanted to comment that I've seen plenty of really thin people who were so out of shape that they had problems with walking up stairs. You don't necessarily have to be fat to be out of shape. You can be really skinny and be completely out of shape as well. A person's size has little to do with how good of shape they are in, physically. I hope you realize that.

    Last edited by Kszan; 11-07-2006 at 05:27 AM.

     
    Old 11-07-2006, 09:41 AM   #11
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan
    I just wanted to comment that I've seen plenty of really thin people who were so out of shape that they had problems with walking up stairs. You don't necessarily have to be fat to be out of shape. You can be really skinny and be completely out of shape as well. A person's size has little to do with how good of shape they are in, physically. I hope you realize that.
    Wow, that's what I wanted to say! Completely true.

    My boyfriend is the right size for his heighth I guess. But all he does is eat junk food, sodas galore-Mtn. Dew, fried, gross food. That's a turn off to me because he is unhealthy... So you def can be skinny and have a nice body but be completely unhealthy on the inside..

    Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 11-07-2006 at 09:41 AM.

     
    Old 11-07-2006, 09:47 AM   #12
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nicole27
    Wow, that's what I wanted to say! Completely true.

    My boyfriend is the right size for his heighth I guess. But all he does is eat junk food, sodas galore-Mtn. Dew, fried, gross food. That's a turn off to me because he is unhealthy... So you def can be skinny and have a nice body but be completely unhealthy on the inside..
    Your bf is either in his 20th when in general people can eat anything but having bad eating habits can cought up with him later. It is possible he is doing phisical job, so this calories get burn.
    I am eating much unhealthier than my husband although he make me gave up some types of food, but generally it is my business. He made me take phisical and I was ok althoug I am mildly overweight but I have hard time to give up foods I like.

     
    Old 11-07-2006, 03:58 PM   #13
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    I think everyone is going way too off topic. The original poster asked how he can talk to his girlfriend about her weight gain without offending her. Unfortunately there really is no good way to handle this. You have to be honest and upfront with her, but do not put her down in anyway as this will only hurt her and make her feel distant. My best advice to you is be stern with her and tell her how you feel, but also talk to her about ways to make things better.

     
    Old 11-07-2006, 04:57 PM   #14
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    As has been pointed out, your girlfriend is undoubtedly aware of the fact that she is overweight and out of shape. She is the one in the body, after all.

    I know how hard it is to stand by and watch something like this. Both of my parents are obese and dreadfully out of shape; they've been like that for most of my life. And it's really frustrating. But there is little you can do. The drive to change her lifestyle around has to come from your girlfriend. Being stuck in a cycle of over-eating and/or binge eating is a hard one to break out of, just like any other addiction.

    It all comes down to how much you love this girl. Does she mean the world to you? Do you want her to be in your life forever? If so, then you're just going to have to grin and bear it, being as supportive as you can. But if you don't see this relationship as being worth all the sacrifice, then it's up to you to decide if you want to hang around.
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    Old 11-07-2006, 05:50 PM   #15
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    Re: Shes becoming so unattractive I hate being with her

    Look, she knows she's overweight, I can pretty much guarantee it. But if you start making comments about it, I can pretty much guarantee that she's going to keep eating and gaining, because that's how it goes.

    The only way she will be able to lose weight successfully is if she gets fed up with her weight and takes the next step herself. Only if she loses weight for herself and herself alone will it truly make a difference. Because as soon as she tries to do it just to please you, her boyfriend, she will fail. That's a fact.

    So, as the others have said, you have to decide how much you love her. Do you love her enough to be supportive and help her get through this? Or do you feel like you can't do it? It's up to you, we can't make that decision for you.

     
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