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  • Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

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    Old 11-12-2006, 09:16 PM   #1
    ladyjustice
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    Unhappy Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    Hi everyone, I have been with my boyfriend now for a little more than 2 years. An issue that has always bugged me throughout our relationship is that he is still friends with his ex. They broke up about four years ago and they had been friends for a long time before they started dating. Anyways, they went out for about 2 and a half years but then she cheated on him. They still remained friends afterwards.

    I don't know why this bugs me so much. I mean, he tells me all the time he loves me. He hasn't actually seen his ex in a few years (they live in different states) but they do talk on the phone every now and then. I know my fears are a bit irrational, but I just don't like the fact that he is still friends with her and that they call each other up. I told him that I would prefer that he doesn't call her but that he just talk to her when she calls him.

    Right now, we're temporarily doing the long distance thing. I am in California and he is Illinois, but hopefully he will be able to move out here in a few months. I don't know why I feel so threatened by this friendship that he has with her. I know they were really close friends before (probably best friends) before they started dating.

    He reassures me a lot that I have nothing to worry about, and that he is with me and loves me and wouldn't want to get back together with her. Then why do I feel so insecure? How do I deal with this w/o always wondering if he's calling her or vice versa? My biggest worry is that if they talk enough his old feelings will come back for her or vice versa. Since I've never met his ex before I don't know what her intentions are. I know she is dating someone right now, but who knows if she has any lingering feelings for my bf? Am I just being totally paranoid? How do I deal with this?

     
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    Old 11-13-2006, 06:53 AM   #2
    volcomrxy21
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    You sound exactly like me!! Wow... it's the same thing I went through... TWICE!!! Two ex's.
    He had a tendency to remain friends with people who have stabbed him in the back... which I couldn't understand one bit.

    When I realized he was talking everyday online to an ex girlfriend I got upset, especially after I read what he had been writing... but that's another story.

    Even before that though, I was paranoid about him talking to his ex gf's regardless of what they talked about.

    There were two girls in particular, one was a 2 year relationship and they had been good friends before they dated, and the other was a 4 month fling... anyway they both found him on ******* and that's how they rekindled their friendships.... I didn't like it one bit. The same thoughts went through my head - what if there are still feelings there that linger?

    My only advice is to trust him with all your heart... I wasn't able to do that and after over 2 years we finally broke up last week because I was so insecure. He said he can't be in a relationship where he trusts me 100% but doesn't get that trust in return.

    So I know it's hard... really really hard...to accept that they still talk, but it's not uncommon. You just have to try to trust him... or else you may lose him, and it doesn't sound like that's what you want

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 07:18 AM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    I am going through the same darn thing right now! Even though he doesn't talk to her anymore...I just feel like that they probably are really talking and I just don't know about it. I know that they had a very stange relationship but they were together for 12 years and I know that that just doesn't go away magically! Last year when I went out of town for a couple weeks I found out that they went and did some "errands" together. At that time they still talked and I was OK...or tollerated it anyway...but when I found out that they spent time together and he kept it a secret from me I went bolistic and even though that's been over a year ago, I am still having trouble dealing with the fact that I cannot trust him! Even though I know for 100% certainty that they didn't have sex (they didn't even have sex when they lived together!) it's just that he lied to me and went behind my back!

    I wish someone would offer help to us distrusting women and tell us how to trust! I think that we probably have our reasons for not trusting like for me it's because I found out he lied to me about her!

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 07:18 AM   #4
    lovinthev8
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    Yeah, it'll be hard to deal with that. But it's a matter of whether you trust him or not. If you truly do trust him and he's real sincere about everything, then why make other assumptions?

    I dated a girl for five years. We broke up a month and a half ago. Despite the fact I was ****** for a while, I'm sure in the future we'll start talking more. And whoever I'm dating at the time will have to deal with that. There's no way I'd go back to my ex, not now, not ever. Not even if she begged me back and I was single. But that's just me... I know there are some guys out there that just don't care. But are you dating one of them? That's what you have to ask yourself.

    Also - little tip. I wouldn't dwell too much on this. It's very important to be sincere about it when you talk with him. If you continue digging over and over and soon it becomes your only topic of conversation, you're simply signing the demise of the relationship. If you approach it on a very very easy going manner and be real cautious about what you say, it'll help you out a long way.

    So in short, I'm saying don't worry about it. People can date, break up, and be friends without anything happening. Then again, the opposite can happen. What matters is what kind of a guy your boyfriend is and if you truly trust him. If you hesitated to answer that question in your head, then it's time for a heart to heart talk with him. If you fired out "Yes I trust him" the second you read this, I'd be willing to say you're fine. Then again, I don't know you or him in real life. So who knows! :P

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 08:38 AM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lovinthev8
    If you continue digging over and over and soon it becomes your only topic of conversation, you're simply signing the demise of the relationship. If you approach it on a very very easy going manner and be real cautious about what you say, it'll help you out a long way.

    Very true!

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 10:08 AM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    I have the exact same problem with my boyfriend and his ex(s). I've always been an insecure person, and even though I've improved over the years, certain fears are always still there. It's natural, I think, for most people to be slightly threatened by an ex, even guys.

    It's even worse when you haven't met the ex. I've met one of my boy's ex's and my worries faded afterwards. But there is another that I have yet to meet. I still have a problem with her, despite his reassurance, because from the very beginning she told him that she didn't want to know a single thing about me, didn't want to know of my existance, not to mention the fact that she ends their converstions with "I love you" and gets upset when he doesn't say it back! So what else am I suppose to think, other than she has bad intentions!!?

    I do not like that he still talks to her on occassion but, I have to remind myself that I am still friends with some of my ex's and I know that my boyfriend has nothing to worry about, so the same goes for him and his friendship with her.

    I think the only way to get passed ex's is for your security with yourself and your relationship to grow. You just really need to trust him. Of course there's the whole "I trust you, I just don't trust her" thing. Jealousy is such an ugly emotion. I swear it only exists to destroy things!

    However "irrational" our fears are, they're still there, and we can't control how we feel. You have to trust that he will be honest with you. That seems to be the only solution that I can think of.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 10:18 AM   #7
    happymom28
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    My husband is best friends with one of his ex-girlfriends. They were good friends before they dated, and both of them were single so they decided to give it try. It lasted a couple of days and they were never intimate. As a matter of fact, they only kissed once and they both gag whenever it's mentioned.

    I am okay with it because of the details. I mean, if he dated her for over 2 years and they were "together" I think it would be much harder. He was very honest and up front with me in the beginning. That is the most important thing.

    That probably isn't much help, but I wanted to let you know that some people can actually just be friends with an ex. Do you have any other reason not to trust him? Some people just make better friends, plain and simple. If he hasn't done anything to make you not trust him why not give him the benefit of the doubt. That might even be easier once you meet the girl(s). Once you have a face with the person and see how they act together you can get a pretty good idea of whether or not you should feel threatened.

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 10:54 AM   #8
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    For me, I've met his EX and meeting her and also learning about things she did while they were together confuses me even more as to why he would even want to ever speak to her again much less consider her to be a "friend"...HA!!!!!!!!! What confuses me is that I simply do not trust him since the lies but the thought of losing him is sooo painful! So I just keep thinking that time will eventually heal the wounds.

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 10:54 AM   #9
    ladyjustice
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. It really helps to hear it from other people's points of view, especially if they are going through it currently or have in the past. To answer one of the posters, I do trust him, but he has done some things that he recently admitted to me, which I was not aware of. He admitted to me that he has sometimes just called her to see "what's up."

    See, I was under the impression for a long time that it was just her calling him, but then he told me that he also calls her too every few weeks to see how she's doing. This totally blew me away since I was never aware of this. Granted, I had never asked him before if he was calling her -- I just assumed he wasn't and that he just talked to her when she called him. Anyways, I realize that this is something I'm just going to have to accept if I want to make our relationship work. It's just so tough because I do get insecure about this, especially because they were so close as friends before they dated and now still remain close.

    He tells me he just cares about her as a friend and nothing more. I try and remind myself of that, but it's hard knowing that she was a first of many for him. She was his first girlfriend, and the person he lost his virginity to. She was there for him for many years, so I feel sometimes like I'm comparing myself to her. I wonder, does he love me the way he loved her? Does he interact with me the way he interacted with her? I know I shouldn't have all these thoughts running through my mind, because it will just tear me up.

    If anyone else has any similar stories or additional advice, please share! It really helps!!

     
    Old 11-13-2006, 02:23 PM   #10
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    See...I figured that you had some reason to NOT trust him. For me, when we first were together I had no distrust issues but then when I got home from being away for 2 weeks I found something of hers in his car! Talk about knock the wind out of our relationship! To be honest...I've never really felt the same as I did before that although I do love him. I mean the whole time I was gone I never once thought for one second that he'd be with her...now I can't even go to the store without thinking that he's talking to her...grrrrrr!

     
    Old 11-14-2006, 02:56 AM   #11
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    i try to keep it pretty simple...
    i've asked my gf to just tell me if she's communicating with any of her ex's... regardless of who initiated contact...
    i never told her she could or couldn't stay in touch with them, just that, out of respect, i felt like i deserved to know when it was going on...

    as far as whether or not i'm being rational...
    i try to make that pretty simple too...
    if she's never lied to me and been up front with me and open and honest with me, then i should trust her...
    if she's kept stuff from me, lied, or not been honest with me, then i feel like i have a valid reason for not trusting her...

    just my $0.02
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    rust never sleeps...

     
    Old 11-14-2006, 03:27 AM   #12
    Magika
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    To start a relationship with someone should not mean that friendships that you have with other people should stop. But you say that you don't trust him? well, by telling him to stop talking with her, doesn't change anything if he still wants to do something with someone else. The point to a relationship is not to tell your partner to not talk to someone because he/she might do something with them. the point is that if your partner wants really to be with you then no matter with whom they're talking with, he/she will stay with you. So, in other words, trust him! If you can't, because you think you shouldn't, then why be with him at the first place..?

    I hope that helps!

     
    Old 11-14-2006, 09:38 AM   #13
    daylight568
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ladyjustice
    Hi everyone, I have been with my boyfriend now for a little more than 2 years. An issue that has always bugged me throughout our relationship is that he is still friends with his ex. They broke up about four years ago and they had been friends for a long time before they started dating. Anyways, they went out for about 2 and a half years but then she cheated on him. They still remained friends afterwards.

    I don't know why this bugs me so much. I mean, he tells me all the time he loves me. He hasn't actually seen his ex in a few years (they live in different states) but they do talk on the phone every now and then. I know my fears are a bit irrational, but I just don't like the fact that he is still friends with her and that they call each other up. I told him that I would prefer that he doesn't call her but that he just talk to her when she calls him.

    Right now, we're temporarily doing the long distance thing. I am in California and he is Illinois, but hopefully he will be able to move out here in a few months. I don't know why I feel so threatened by this friendship that he has with her. I know they were really close friends before (probably best friends) before they started dating.

    He reassures me a lot that I have nothing to worry about, and that he is with me and loves me and wouldn't want to get back together with her. Then why do I feel so insecure? How do I deal with this w/o always wondering if he's calling her or vice versa? My biggest worry is that if they talk enough his old feelings will come back for her or vice versa. Since I've never met his ex before I don't know what her intentions are. I know she is dating someone right now, but who knows if she has any lingering feelings for my bf? Am I just being totally paranoid? How do I deal with this?
    I think you have nothing to worry about.But if you feel that strongly about it just tell him you can't except it and that he must drop all communication with her.I'd be willing to bet that he was a very good to friend to her, and she had called him probably to talk to when she was upset about something.A good friend can help you see "the other side" some times that is hard to see. If she is a true friend of his she will respect "you" his girlfriend and never call him anymore.I really think you should tell him how you feel.
    Personally I would never do anything to hurt a male friend of mines relationship that he had with his girlfriend and I would not call him and upset her like that.That is just wrong.And any true friend would respect the "girlfriends" feelings.

     
    Old 11-14-2006, 09:47 AM   #14
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    I just read your last post and see that he is calling her too.I have been there before and it NEVER works out.
    I hope you have better luck.

     
    Old 11-14-2006, 11:53 AM   #15
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    Re: Boyfriend is still friends with his ex - how to deal?

    Hi Ladyjustice:

    I read your both posts. I don't know if I have all the details now, but I am afraid there is something fishy about this relationship.

    I agree that you have to have trust in your bf, but I also think that he must pull his own weight in this, in other words, he must give the grounds for you to have trust in him.

    What if you were talking on the phone or elsewhere with an ex? How would he react?

    If he knows that this upsets you, even though there is nothing sexual going on between them, even though he shares with you their conversations, he should stop it, out of respect for you. This doesn't mean that he should give up all his friends - because of you - but an ex is an ex, and of course there is always potential danger that old feelings will develop and surface again.

    You have a relatively new relationship with him and I sense it is serious. If he is really committed to you, he will do as much as he can to please you or to reassure you. I may be wrong, but from my side it seems he wants to keep you both (his ex and you), and of course this is incompatible, especially during this period of your relationship when building trust matters so much.

    He must be prepared to make some sacrifices. This is true in all relationships. If he is not ready for this, if he is giving excuses and justifying himself all the time, maybe he is not ready for a full relationship. Even though you love him, think if you would like to share your life with someone who has his own priorities which might not include you first place.

    JC

     
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