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    Old 11-21-2006, 10:46 AM   #16
    happymom28
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    You are still just "boyfriend/girlfriend". He may have said you are "the one", but your not engaged yet so saying that you are starting a life together and you should be a priority seem a little premature.

    I'm not saying any of that excuses his friend's behavior. Sometimes friends have a hard time sharing their friends with their girlfriends/boyfriends and the one in the middle just doesn't want to deal with it. His appology sounded sinceere so you should accept it as that. This could be a good starting point for the two of you (you and his friend).

    When you get married your husband is still going to want time with his friends. All men need "man time" as my husband calls it. It just takes a little less of a role, especially when you start having children. But you are not there yet. If you ask him to choose between the two of you, you may be the one who ends up losing in the end. I'm not saying that is what you are doing, I just want you to realize what could happen.

    Maybe you and his friend will get along a lot better from this point on. You should try to be nice to him like it seems he is trying to do with you. It takes a lot for a man to admit to someone else's girlfriend they were wrong. If you want to be with your boyfriend for the long haul I don't see what other choice you have.

     
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    Old 11-21-2006, 10:54 AM   #17
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    I agree that when a friend is being deliberately disrespectful to his friend's significant other then there is a big problem. If his friend can't be respectful to you then why should you accept him? You don't have to. It wouldn't be so bad if you disagreed once in a while but if this man is competing with you to be the center of your man's attention it strikes me as odd - he should get a life of his own. I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour either. People like him don't change. The letter was to appease you so it may or may not have been sincere.

    I am a little biased in this because I had a similar situation happen to me. Although mine was pretty bad. My husband had a friend years ago that was intensely rude to me as he always wanted his own way and tried to control my husband (he was my boyfriend then) - this man was used to getting his own way and I spoke up for myself something he did not like- we occassionally had an argument but nothing major then one night he wanted my husband to drive to get some beer and they had both already been drinking - I told him no way was he (my husband) going to drive anywhere or be in the car with him while driving ( my best friend had just lost her boyfriend and 4 of his friends to a drunk driver in a severe car crash just a few weeks before) - I was completely in the right and this friend went on a tangent arguing with me trying to say how controlling I was - the fight between us intensified and I walked out the door into our car -the friend tried to slam my leg with the car door - my husband took my side - I told him under no circumstance would this man ever be allowed in my life ever again. Needless to say the friendship ended and I hadn't seen him in years or spoke to him in over 10yrs. Then two weeks ago my husband ran into him at a restaurant and to show how much of an a** this guy is he told my husband that if he were still in our lives he would have never married me! My husband told him he has no control in our lives or who he marries. I laughed at how immature he is thinking that after all this time he thinks he is still in control of our lives.

    I know my story is way more severe than yours. Your boyfriend has to stand up for you - if he doesn't then I would let him go - he may appreciate you more when you give him the boot. It is not his friend that will keep him warm at night or provide him with a family. He is just a friend and friends are secondary to family.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 11:14 AM   #18
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    Ok,

    So I wrote an apology back for everything and accepted his apology. This is the correspondence from today. I'm pretty annoyed that he tells me how we're going to live with my boyfriend. This is between him and I. I made another reference about his wife. He let them be mean to her and talk bad about her before they were married.

    If you have the patience to read this, let me know what you think.

    This is what I wrote:

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    THIS IS THE LETTER HE WROTE TO ME

    I can accept your apology for what you said yesterday. I know you and Brad have had a rough week, and I can cut you a break on that considering the circumstances. But being completely cut out of my best friend's life is not something that I can live with or quickly forgive, unless we can start making amends, or come to an understanding and respect one another's role in Brad's life.

    When I wrote you back in August, I was upset. I missed my best friend (and so do my boys). And I was ****** that he and I couldn't have any time with him without frequent interruptions and him having to run off to be somewhere. Heck, one time last spring, Brad was text messaging you when we were on the putting green of a golf course, and there were players behind us waiting on him and his two thumbs so that they could play through! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I wasn't mad at you, Niki...but I wrote a note to you (and then to Brad) when I was mad, and you got the brunt of it. It was a mistake.

    I understand that you might worry about Brad going to a game, or a sport's bar with me and driving home when he shouldn't. I respect that, and I know that your concern is out love and care for him, not out of manipulation or control.

    So in the future, why don't we try to address the real issues...rather than each other's short-comings?

    ie, I can agree to call you if Brad needs a ride. -or- maybe Brad can excuse himself and call you now & then if we go out, rather than carrying on two conversations at once, or texting on a golf green. Or, perhaps instead of all of us trying to meet at Tiki Bob's with dollar drink specials and then have to worry about driving home from Seattle, we might be able to find a local pub or restaurant? Unfortunately, the dance club scene kind of passed us by, and Debi and I have become home bodies I guess...I dunno. That's why we like to throw house parties, so that we can see our friends and they all have a place to crash.

    I guess I'm asking you to think about what the real issues are with Brad & I (ie, drinking and driving) and I'm willing to work with you on a solution and will respect whatever is agreed upon. However, if there are issues on either side based on someone else's past behavior, or based on something out of Glamour or Men's Health magazine having to do with the opposite sex, perhaps we can try not to put one another in that mold and make assumptions that aren't real.

    THIS IS THE LETTER I WROTE:
    --------------------------------------------------------------
    Here's my concern (his friend),:

    As you may not know, I have no problem with my boyfriend going out anywhere.. I let him do whatever he wants.

    When you and my boyfriend initially hung out, I was indifferent to this as I was as I am when he hangs out with Pat or Jim frequently. (they go everywhere and I don't care.)

    However, I have a huge issue with you thinking you have jurisdiction between us, and you've taken any opportunity to dictate your opinion in private issues.

    If you don't like how often I call my boyfriend, this is not your jurisdiction or business to call me or talk to me of your opinion. It's simply not your business. It's also not your business to tell my boyfrend what you think of our relationship or whether he decides to answer the phone. If you have a problem with it, maybe this is a problem you have with my boyfrend. After all, he decided to go out with ME, I'm not forcing him to do anything. If Brad says that's what we agreed, that's where you step down and deal with it. After all, we're not dating you.

    If you and your wife have a lifestyle that you think is better, that's fine, but we don't have to follow your assumptions on life. It's outright rude to assume as much. Would you like me to tell you you guys ought to go to church? What If I told you I thought it was flat out rude to allow others to talk badly about your wife before you both were married? It's rude right? So don't do it. It's not your place, although you're used to it being as much.

    So what's my issue? Bottom line, quite simple: You get angry about something, so instead of showing restraint, you are outright disrespectful to me and take allowances that aren't yours to take. I don't like the name calling and the rudeness, I frankly don't like the culture or environment you're creating.

    If you want to dictate to me, then fine. But you're talking to a wall. Maybe you're even blaming the wrong person, after all: I never had a problem until you felt that there was a problem. Apparently I have to do a huge show and dance to impress you and your wife . After all, things were "unrepairable" between us because I did nothing.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 11:15 AM   #19
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    I think the letter is sincere, and I wouldn't personally interpret it as being a lecture. Sounds like he's acknowledging the fact that you both will be part of Brad's life, and you both need to somehow come to terms with a way to accept this.

    I think the friend writing you this letter itself is very creepy, tho. I'm sure I'll get some disagreement here, but I think friends really need to remember their place when it comes to their friends' intimate relationships. Sending letters like this to a friend's SO is out of line. If one of my friends sent a letter like this to my hubby, that friend would no longer have any place in my life. It's just weird, creepy ... Twilight Zone-ish. And I would have no hesitation to tell that person what they've done is creepy, to have a nice life.

    I think you have several options:

    1) Start completely from scratch with Brad's friend. Meet for coffee maybe (without Brad) and maybe try to bond a bit with him. Let him get to know you for who you are and get to know him a bit, too -- completely putting aside your relationship with Brad.

    2) Have no part of Brad's best friend. Decline to go to parties/get-togethers where you know he'll be.

    3) Just try to "deal" with the way Brad's friend speaks to you and try to "avoid" situations where you two will have to interact (like you've been doing, it sounds). However, you must realize going into this option that there will be turmoil for both you and Brad.

    4) Dump Brad and his creepy friend. Get with a guy whose friends like you and whose company you enjoy; a guy who doesn't say things like, "I'm just not dedicated to you," and doesn't even have the need to defend you to his friends, because they enjoy your company and respect their friend's feelings regarding who he chooses to be with on an intimate level.

    For me, it would be option 4, without a doubt. Life is way too short to be dealing with this middle school playground crap. I'd rather be alone than be battling my BF and his friend.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 11:25 AM   #20
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    Yeah,

    I think it's over. I can't be this sad and unhappy.

    It's a nightmare I have to talk with him at all. He's such a weirdo, and my boyfriend isn't our son, he's my boyfriend!

    I wish he'd stop being so passive. This is depressing. I wish I never met him.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 11:26 AM   #21
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by whiteslopes
    I get along with all of his friends except this one.....I totally let him go out with his other friends to where ever they want to go, because I know I can trust them.

    However, this one friend is just non trust worthy. He's done what he's done.. I just get a bad feeling about him.
    I thought there was a girl who told him that he can do better than you.
    In that case why don't you demand your bf not having him in his life. I don't trust his letter, it is just a show.
    May be he is a looser who can't find a gf and he doesn't want to loose a single friend he can hang out. If you ever watch old time movie "Marty" it was a similiar cituation.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 12:38 PM   #22
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    I didn't realize his friend was married. That changes things a little bit. I should've made that connection when you mentioned his kids, but he could have been a parttime dad.

    Anyway, what does his wife think of this situation? Does your boyfriend get involved in his friend's personal life?

    I think that all couples need alone time with friends. That's just natural. I think I missed a couple of things when I first read it. Maybe you should show these notes to your boyfriend. His friend said that your boyfriend didn't know about them. I would like to think that most men wouldn't want their friends addressing their girlfriend, wife, whatever, behind their back.

    The more I think about it, what is with all the note writing? Is he not capable of having an adult conversation? I honestly thought the first one seemed sincere, but after reading the second one it's just weird.

    I thought that this would be a nice beginning for you and his friend, but I'm now thinking that not much will change here. You should definately let your boyfriend in on all of this note writing. His friend may be saying completely different things to him. Either way, you don't need that aggrivation. I wouldn't tell your boyfriend to cut him out completely, but I would suggest that he make some boundaries when it comes to your relationship. Personal things shouldn't be discussed. Also, if your boyfriend decides to call or text you wherever he may be how is that your fault? Your boyfriend is an adult and shouldn't have to justify his actions to his friend.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 12:48 PM   #23
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    Yeah,

    He's married. To be honest with you, before he was married his friends were really rude to her behind her back. He let these things go. When they got married, his friends only gave them "his presents"...only to him, to send the message they didn't like her.

    Also, his two kids are from another previous marriage where the woman cheated on him. The kids are kind of delinquent. Last time I checked the one kid tried to choke this other kid at school and was almost sent to Juvenile detention. Though I think they're getting better since then.

    I'm not sure where his wife stands, she hasn't said much. When I met her she seemed nice, but I think she could possibly be smarter than him. Although, she probably hates me now considering all the bad things he says about me.

    Oh yeah, there was another woman who was mean to me... but she isn't my boyfriend's direct friend, but a friend of the guy we're talking a about. My boyfriend was talking to her at his friend's birthday... I guess this guy likes to have haters as friends as well.

    Last edited by whiteslopes; 11-21-2006 at 12:51 PM.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 12:56 PM   #24
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    It is very strange group. Either they don't want to grow up and accept that one of them will have a family and won't belong totally to them. Either they don't think that nobody is good enough for one of them.
    It is very uncomfortable cituation for you. You can or accept it, hoping that after a while he won't have much time for them anyway or they accept you as his wife/gf or you can break up.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 01:02 PM   #25
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    This might be a good time to make your boyfriend aware of what is going on. If he doesn't stand up for you now he probably never will. And if he doesn't, do you really see yourself marrying him?

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 01:14 PM   #26
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    He's been aware of correspondence in the past. I wrote his friend once first because I found out he wrote a letter to my boyfriend saying "things are unrepairable between her and I because she couldn't party that well at my birthday."

    So I wrote him and apologized. Then he said "everything was cool." but went on to say why he didn't like me.

    My boyfriends reaction was to say "maybe you two shouldn't talk anymore."

    or something like that.

    Anyways, you're right. If he doesn't do anything other than torture me with his buddy, it's over. I don't need this and I'm too young. I could always take that europe trip...

    Thanks everyone for your help. I was able to see somethings before that I wasn't able to admit (like accepting the apology.)

    Last edited by whiteslopes; 11-21-2006 at 01:16 PM.

     
    Old 11-21-2006, 03:58 PM   #27
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    Hi Whiteslopes,

    I think you've received some great advice here. But the main thing which keeps cropping up into my mind is your boyfriend. How is his friend finding out all this personal buisness which is private between you are your boyfriend when you aren't telling him? There is no sparks without fire after all so I would think maybe your boyfriend is telling his friend personal buisness.

    One person can get the wrong idea about someones partner. But 2 or more friends is a bit unusual unless its like a gossip situation where rumors have escalated. But I don't know. I'm just guessing here.

    It sounds like your friends boyfriend needs to grow up. If he is a vindictive as you say then he may of worded his 2 letters to you in such a way that it would come across sincere in the hopes that you would show it to your boyfriend and he would think his friend was being genuine and you would come across as the "bad" one. So becareful with this friend but don't let him control your life.

    I would speak to your boyfriend. Tell him you want some changes made to your relationship and in return you will try to get on with his best friend providing he shows you some respect and sticks up for you in whatever future situations should arise. Also let your boyfriend know you're not comfortable with his best friends interference but you respect his place in your boyfriends life but you appreciate it if your boyfriend could stop him from saying horrible things about you and making out your the enemy causing problems. Tell your boyfriend you love him and he is a important part of your life and you are a important part of his life but his best friend needs to realize this and tone down his attitude towards you otherwise you can never respect him.

    Take the Olive Branch but be wary and hopefully things will improve for you. You could write a reply to his best friend, a completely different reply saying you are sorry you both got off on the wrong foot and perhaps you can try again to make life easier for both of you and Brad etc. Hell even offer to meet with Brad and his friends and spend a few hours together over a cup of coffee or something. He can't say you're not trying then hun. Good luck.

     
    Old 11-22-2006, 07:13 AM   #28
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    Thanks for your advice mys.

    yeah, I believe that this friend would word things to sound apologetic in order to manipulate the situation. The thing is, I was completely fine with Brad and this guy hanging out until he started causing problems. He initially would write angry letters to my boyfriend because they couldn't hang out as much because of me. Then he turned on me.

    At this point, it is my boyfriend's perception of all of this that is the most concerning to me. I let him know yesterday that while I'm fine with him hanging out with his friends, this friend in particular had to be out of the picture to go on. I know I probably shouldn't ask this, but I know in my heart that I can't believe that this friend will not try something else deviant to hurt me in the future, and I need him out of my life.

    I'm ok if we break up, or so I think. I came to terms with it yesterday, and told him he's welcome to take all the time in the world to think about where he stands. I also said that no matter what I love him with all my heart and can only understand and support what he feels is best.

    I honestly don't think he'll continue our realationship, but then again, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

     
    Old 11-22-2006, 07:40 PM   #29
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by whiteslopes
    I'm so beyond hurt. My boyfriend never really explains why he doesn't defend me, he just gets quiet. Last friday when he said he wanted to break up he said "I guess it's becuase on a level I'm not that dedicated to you." He also said he didn't think there was a future between us.

    Then later he said sorry and said he said this because he was mad.

    .
    I stopped reading this thread after I read this post, so I apologize if I repeat any advice or sound like I'm discounting anything that happened after this post, but having said that....

    "Last friday when he said he wanted to break up he said "I guess it's becuase on a level I'm not that dedicated to you." He also said he didn't think there was a future between us."

    To be brutally honest, I don't believe he said this because he was mad. I think he said this because it's the truth. His actions over the whole period you've been having trouble with his friend bears this out. He couldn't care all that much about you if he's ready to let his friend chase you off. This would be all I'd need to hear. I'd say "ok." Then I wouldn't waste one more minute of my precious life sitting around waiting for some man to decide how deserving of devotion I am or how important I am. I'd get up, walk out and never look back. If your boyfriend were still really into you and wanted to work things out, that'd be one thing. You could start from scratch and be more accepting of yourself and learn how to be around your bf's buddy and not care that he doesn't like you and not care what snotty things he says as long as your boyfriend wants to be with you. But it seems too far gone now. He doesn't even think he really wants you anymore. When it gets to that point, I think the best thing to do is put your walking shoes on and keep on walking.

     
    Old 11-23-2006, 03:43 AM   #30
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    Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by whiteslopes
    Thanks for your response

    Though I think it's fair to say it was a sincere apology, I don't think it's fair for me to have to share my boyfriend with another family. I feel that the majority level of commitment to anyone really should be reserved for me since we were planning on starting a life together.

    I'm unsure whether I can be comfortable knowing that this friend has the equivelent status of another girlfriend, and knowing that he will side with him even if he does something rather unreasonable. I believe I should have a priority.

    Thoughts?
    He has been friends with the guy for nearly a decade. What makes you think you have priority over his best friend? I am currently dating a guy that has been friends with his best friend for 18 years. They speak on a daily basis with each other, go bike riding together, play soccer together, and a whole lot of other things. Then there is times where I go to the movies with my guy, go to the pools, watch dvds ect and then there is times when the three of us hang out together. You have to respect that he has his best friend and other friends as well. I would never tell my boy to hang out with his best mate less or whatever. Im sure he would dump me otherwise. They are like brothers and I respect that and understand that a lot. In fact I would encourage him to see his best mate.

     
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