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    Old 12-17-2006, 09:26 PM   #1
    amazinggrace23
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    Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    Let me start by saying that I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, he is a great guy, and I am crazy about him. However, I am NOT crazy about his cousin.

    To be blunt, his cousin is a total a**hole, especially when he gets drunk, which is often. The first time I met him, he tried to start a fight with another guy in my living room. The second time I met him, he lost my boyfriend's phone, handed him $100 and said "here, that should take care of it. Later." There have been a few, VERY few times, that we have all gone out with no conflicts and had fun, and to be honest, he usually acts like a decent guy when sober. Lately, though, he has been getting COMPLETELY out of line when drunk.

    For the last few months, every time we have gone out, he has blatantly grabbed my butt, several times, in front of EVERYONE, including my boyfriend and the girl he is sleeping with (but treats like crap). I finally told him to STOP doing it, and he acted very hurt and mad and claimed he was not doing it on purpose. Later that night, he picked me up and put me on his back, against my objections, and then dropped me on the pavement HARD, and didn't apologize for it. When my boyfriend talked to him and told him to stop acting like an idiot (I was asleep on the couch at this point), he made his fingers in the shape of a gun and acted like he was shooting me. He did apologize the next day, but he did it by leaning over and whispering "I'm sorry" in my ear and kissing me on the cheek, which I thought was kind of inappropriate.

    I told my boyfriend I wasn't really comfortable hanging out with his cousin anymore and he said he understood, but we talked about it later and he asked me to give his cousin another shot because it was hard for him to be caught in the middle. He said he had talked to his cousin and told him that if he acted like a jerk again, we wouldn't be hanging out with him when I was in town. So I reluctantly agreed to hang out with them again, and give his cousin another chance. That night, he was making fun of the girl he had been sleeping with and basically saying that he was using her for sex. I had grown to really like the girl, and told him that he was a nice girl and he should keep that in mind, and my boyfriend's brother agreed with me. The cousin went off on both of us and told us to get out of his house.

    This was the final straw for me, and I told my boyfriend that I did not want to be around his cousin at all. Drama follows this kid WHEREVER he goes. In the past year, he has gotten in at least a dozen fist fights, PUSHED his ex-girlfriend on the floor in the middle of a bar, gotten his two front teeth knocked out, wrecked his brand new BMW (drunk) and has gotten cited for reckless op for driving while drunk at 120 MPH (of course, my boyfriend went at 3:30 in the morning to bail him out of jail).

    My boyfriend was understanding at first and we haven't hung out with his cousin since. But now he is giving me the guilt trip again, saying that I don't have to like his cousin or respect him, but he wants me to get to know his friends better and when we do that, his cousin will probably be around. I feel strongly about not wanting to be around this kind of person, but I feel bad for putting my boyfriend in an awkward situation. Am I wrong for refusing to hang out with his cousin, or should I make nice for the sake of bf?

     
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    Old 12-18-2006, 03:49 AM   #2
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    Personally, I don't think you're in the wrong at all for refusing to spend time with his cousin. After all, you discussed it before and you actually agreed to give him one last chance... Your boyfriend knew this, he agreed to it, his cousin blew it. That's the end of it. No more chances, right?

    You've tried to 'make nice', but it just didn't work out. For that to work, his cousin would have to actually make an effort to not be a jerk, which obviously isn't going to happen.

    I know it's not great for him to be stuck in the middle, but you're dating him, not his cousin. If you don't wish to spend time with him (which from what you've said, sounds very understandable) your boyfriend should respect that. It doesn't mean that he has to stop spending time with him too.

    With that aside, he sounds like a real trouble maker. Why should you put yourself in the position where you could end up getting into trouble, or, even worse - getting hurt because of him? It's ridiculous. Your boyfriend should respect your wishes and stop guilt tripping you.

    I'd have done the same thing if put in your position.

    Last edited by ActionMaxen; 12-18-2006 at 03:51 AM.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 05:05 AM   #3
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    I would stand your ground on this one.

    The line for me would have been crossed when I was physically harmed by this jerk (being dropped on the ground HARD). The fact that after this guy physically hurt you during one of his shaninigans (sp?) and your BF is giving you a guilt trip over not wanting to hang out with him really makes me question your BF. Sounds like he doesn't care much if another man is hitting on his woman, touching her, yelling at her and dropping her hard on the pavement over her objections.

    You've obviously tried to make nice for the sake of BF. It didn't work. Maybe this guy will realize one day how he is when he's drunk and take steps to get sober. If and when that happens, tell your boyfriend you'd reconsider spending time with him.

    I'm scratching my head over the fact that your BF says he wants you to hang out with his other friends, which means the cousin will be there, too. So all of his friends tolerate this cousin, too? If this is the case, sounds like a rough crowd.

    FWIW, no family is perfect. Everyone out there has a family member that's a little "off." Heck, some families have a few that are "off." Having to put up with undesirable behavior for a few hours on a holiday in a controlled setting is one thing; having your Saturday night socials taken up wondering what this nut is going to do is a completely different story. I'm sure you don't want to end up on the news, you know?

    I'd remind your boyfriend that your health, well-being and safety are your priorities. And I'd be real curious to hear what his priorities are. It doesn't sound like keeping you safe and another man's hands off of you when you're out with his crowd is a big priority for him.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 05:23 AM   #4
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    Hello, amazinggrace23.

    You are most definitely not out of line in saying you don't want to hang around this cousin anymore. He sounds like nothing but trouble. Doesn't your bf understand how unacceptable this guy's behavior is? Cousin or not, this type of behavior is completely inappropriate and you most definitely do not need to put up with it.

    The next thing I'd ask you is this: what about your bf and his other friends? Do any of them do the same types of things? If a lot of his friends do stupid stuff like this, you may have to really consider the type of crowd you're hanging around with.

    So, stand by your ground, but remember, you and your bf need to do this together. If he really wanted what's best for you, he would not only stick up for you, but protect you.

    Last edited by hagios; 12-18-2006 at 05:24 AM.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 05:26 AM   #5
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    There are still quite a few of my boyfriend's friends who I haven't met, because we have a long distance relationship and only see each other on the weekends, and his friends are away at college. They are all going to be back for Christmas break, and my boyfriend wants me to meet them. Yes, apparently they tolerate his cousin's behavior. I don't think they are as rude and crazy as his cousin, but they put up with his behavior, which really gets me. In fact, EVERYONE puts up with this kid's behavior. It is a constant source of tension between me and my boyfriend because while my boyfriend consistently agrees that his cousin is an idiodic, out of control jerk, he bails him out of trouble time and time again and keeps hanging out with him. I know they are family, but come on. Even this kid's MOM lets him get away with his behavior--she is first hand witness to much of it, and he gets no reprimand at all from her (he is 23, so she can't really do much, but I would expect that if he acts like a child, he can be treated like one too).

    The way I was brought up is, if you screw up, you take responsibility for your actions and handle the consequences yourself. This guy suffers minor, if any, consequences and refuses to take any responsibility. This is mean, but I was hoping he got a DUI instead of reckless op for driving drunk, but alas, he got a slap on the wrist, had to pay a fine, and is off the hook. I wish my boyfriend would stop hanging out with him altogether, because I feel that as long as he is there for him, his cousin's behavior won't stop. My boyfriend claims that he is the only true friend his cousin has, and while he can't stand his behavior, he can't just sit back and watch him self-destruct because he is family, and he believes that he has some sort of psychological disorder that is way past the norm and is the cause for much of his behavior.

    I didn't mean to make it sound like my boyfriend is OK with his behavior--he has talked to him about it, YELLED at him about it, and explained to him that since he can't respect me, he is not going to be around him when I am in town. That held true for about two weeks, before this whole "I want you to meet my friends" thing came up. I am in a hard position because while I feel liek I owe it to him to meet his friends, I don't want to let his cousin off the hook AGAIN.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 05:30 AM   #6
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    Hi Hagios, I just wanted to clear up that no, my boyfriend doesn't act like this, and I most definitely would not have anything to do with him if he did. My boyfriend is the voice of reason when it comes to his friends and family, and is always the one diffusing problems and trying to keep everybody out of trouble. He's not perfect, but he is a good guy and tries to keep the peace with everyone. He is usually away at college, and his friends there are "normal." His high school friends from his hometown, however, haven't seem to have matured past high school, and well, I explained his cousin. He has long ties to these guys, so he hangs out with them when he goes home and has a good time, but like I said, he is the voice of reason when it comes to them.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hagios
    Hello, amazinggrace23.
    You are most definitely not out of line in saying you don't want to hang around this cousin anymore. He sounds like nothing but trouble. Doesn't your bf understand how unacceptable this guy's behavior is? Cousin or not, this type of behavior is completely inappropriate and you most definitely do not need to put up with it.

    The next thing I'd ask you is this: what about your bf and his other friends? Do any of them do the same types of things? If a lot of his friends do stupid stuff like this, you may have to really consider the type of crowd you're hanging around with.

    So, stand by your ground, but remember, you and your bf need to do this together. If he really wanted what's best for you, he would not only stick up for you, but protect you.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 05:58 AM   #7
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    Well, if his other friends are cool, tell your BF you look forward to meeting them and doing something fun. But when the cousin arrives, you'll be leaving, even alone, if neccessary. Or choose to opt out of whatever "festivities" are planned ahead of time with the cousin. Take charge, do some planning of your own for your BF and you, maybe even something planned for a smaller group (i.e., if there's another couple or two in the group, make plans to go to dinner and a movie with them and don't include the nut).

    Your BF will begin to get the hint when he starts losing (a) time with his girl over this jerk or (b) girlfriends altogether over this jerk.

    Stand firm, be polite, articulate and loving. Let your BF know you want to spend time with him and his cool friends, but not someone who gropes at you, yells at you and physically hurts you. If your BF wants to hang out with someone like that, a family member at that, fine. You do your thing, and he does his thing, and you'll meet up later or the next day when the cousin isn't around.

    Just remember you haven't put your BF in the middle. He's done that himself. You're an adult, and you choose whose company to be in. He's an adult and can do the same. This isn't just an "annoying" cousin or friend. He touched you, grabbed your toosh, yelled at you and physically hurt you! He's a violent guy who gets his teeth knocked out. Enough said.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 06:06 AM   #8
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    I'm glad to hear that he is not like them. In this case, I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before he himself matures enough to stand up for you to the extent that he needs to. If he's already taken steps to try to get his cousin to act like a normal human being, he's on the right track. He sounds like he may have "lost puppy syndrome." It's much more common in women than in men. My wife and sister both have it. It's when you see someone who is in need of help and don't want to let them go until they're all better. Best thing I can say at this point is keep at it. I'm not suggesting that you accept any more mistreatment of his, but if the situation arises again, eventually, your bf will see the look in your eyes when his cousin starts getting stupid and mistreating you and if he truly is in love with you, he will make it stop.

    Understand, though, that it is hard to take a stance as strong as not spending time with one's cousin. Not impossible, but hard.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 06:20 AM   #9
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    Personally, I think your boyfriend should respect the fact that you don't want to surround yourself with total jerks. I can understand his not wanting to be caught in the middle, but he should be talking more to his cousin about these things than you.

    I have to agree with StenoLady1 on this one. Meet up with him and his friends, and make a gracious exit when and if the cousin shows up. Your boyfriend will hopefully get to thinking that losing time with his girlfriend isn't worth putting up with the immaturity of his cousin. You should also plan some time that is just you and your boyfriend. Who wants to always be out with others?

    You haven't created this situation, his cousin has. If he feels trapped then he needs to be talking to his cousin. You are not in the wrong for wanting to surround yourself with decent people.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 08:02 AM   #10
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    This cousin sounds like he's well on his way to alcoholism. You need to deal with him like any alcoholic, and set strict boundaries ( which you have). The other people putting up with him are enabling him by putting up with or excusing his behavior. You are the only one doing the right thing in this situation. As long as everyone tolerates or excuses his behavior he will not look at is problem. Stick to your guns! Either he gets help, or you aren't going to hang out with him.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 08:43 AM   #11
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    desertdweller, that is EXACTLY what I told my boyfriend--by continuing to bail him out tolerate his behavior, he is enabling him to keep doing what he's doing.

    My boyfriend says that he is the only person that his cousin can talk to, and that's probably true. He is quite harsh with him sometimes, but he is the only person that can calm him down and get him to act reasonably.

    It might be alcoholism, but the guy probably really does have some underlying psychological issues to deal with (his dad died about 10 years ago and he moved from Egypt to the USA about 4 years ago). But until he gets help and is officially diagnosed, I would just classify him as an a**hole.

    I am thinking about having the BF arrange something like going out to dinner with a few of his friends and not inviting his cousin. However, I know this might not be possible since it seems like the only thing that his friends do together is go out and get hammered, and when they do that, the cousin inevitably comes with them.

    I think I am going to stick with my guns on this one--but that isn't to say I'm not concerned about BF's feelings too. He is in a hard situation, and I can't help but feel kind of bad about it.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 12:09 PM   #12
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    This all sounds quite familliar. My boyfriend is much the same way. A good guy almost to a fault, he has quite the collection of annoying, worthless, drunk/stoner friends. And while none of these friends has ever been disrespectful to me, they are still not the type of people I would choose to surround myself with. But my boyfriend implored me to give them a chance, to not be so judgemental, to not put him in the middle. So I became a good sport and went with the flow. Nearly three years later however, I am wishing that I got out when I had the chance.

    What happened to me won't happen to you (god forbid) but from my experience there are a lot of red flags here. There is nothing wrong with caring about family members, but you have to be able to see when their self-destruction is starting to hurt you, and other people that you care about. This will likely be a theme throughout your whole relationship.

    I don't think you should feel bad for your boyfriend. He has taken HIS problem and made it YOUR problem. If he doesn't mind putting up with his out of control cousin, hey, that's his decision. But now he is expecting you to deal with this too, and that is not fair. At all. You have every right to refuse to be anywhere near him, or any other of his friends that you dislike.

    Stick to your guns. Even if it costs you this relationship. Seriously. Good luck...
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    Old 12-18-2006, 12:45 PM   #13
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    Thanks for the responses.

    I think I am going to talk to him tonight and tell him that I will meet his friends, even if his cousin shows up. I'll just ignore his cousin, and if any drama starts, I will leave, and I'm sure BF would be happy to escort me home. I love BF enough that I think I can put my feelings aside for one night so I can meet his friends (we've been dating so long and they haven't met me; they think he's making me up!). Not to mention, my friends have said some pretty crappy things to and about BF (I posted on here a few months back about how my former roommate blamed him for her failing relationship, because he told her boyfriend, who was also his friend, that he saw her cheating on him) and he's put up with them repeatedly.

    But I plan on making it clear that AFTER THAT NIGHT--I will not be around his cousin at all, until he changes. There's no need for me to.

    Last time he brought this up, I mentioned how awkward it would be if I ever did have to see his cousin, and BF replied, "It should be awkward for HIM, not you. He's the one that screwed up, not you." So I'll just keep that in mind and be the bigger person in this deal. If he does anything to "screw up" again, I'll just leave.

     
    Old 12-18-2006, 01:14 PM   #14
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    Let us know how things turn out, amazinggrace.

     
    Old 12-19-2006, 07:41 AM   #15
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    Re: Me/My boyfriend/His cousin.

    We had a long talk about it last night, and agreed on the compromise I mentioned earlier. I'm going to meet his friends, ignore his cousin, be the bigger person, and if drama starts, BF agreed that we will both leave immediately. Actually, BF's words were, "I'll punch him in the face and then we'll get the h*ll out of there", haha, but he was kidding, he doesn't fight.

    He said that he completely understands where I am coming from, but it is hard for him because he genuinely thinks his cousin is a good person deep down (that's where we disagree) and although he acts like a world-class A-hole, BF really wants me to be a part of his personal and family life. I told him I could understand that, but I don't want to be involved in that part of his life if it involved me getting groped, bruised, or berated, which he agreed with. So, we're pretty much on the same page, I think.

     
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