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  • Why do women do this? Help!

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    Old 12-25-2006, 10:27 AM   #1
    Mattm4000
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    Why do women do this? Help!

    I am a 28 year old single guy with a problem. I have been trying to meet a girl for some time now and I am having absoultely no luck at all. I think that what happens to me is rather unusual though because when I ask girls to hang out with me, not necessarily going out on dates, but even when I just want to try to achieve stronger friendships with girls that I already know, what will happen is that when I ask then out, they tell me yes, in a very positive and convincing way, and then they don't follow through on it and ultimately in the end we don't end up going out on the date.

    There is one such example in my life that is too perfect not to mention. About two years ago I asked this girl out on a date. She is not just any girl, this is a girl that I was, and still am, absoultely crazy about. I knew her for years before I asked her out. Shes a customer at my job where I work and that was how I got to know her. I had wanted to ask her out for a very long time but I never did, mainly because of the typical things that guys worry about when asking a pretty girl out. Fear of rejection and I was also figuring that since she was so attractive and has a great personality and was in her early 20's that she probably already had a boyfriend so that was what was always stopping me. But one day, she came in, and I just decided that the way I feel towards her is so strong that I can't just continue to sit here and not do anything about it. So I started a casual conversation with her, just to get her talking and I went on to ask her if she had a boyfriend, to by which my surprise she told me that no she didn't so then I went on to ask her if she would like to get together and go out with me sometime to which she very confidently and positively told me that yes she would go out with me. It didn't seem like just a typical "yes" either she looked right into my eyes and with a big smile on her face told me in these words " sure, I would love to go out with you." So obviously I felt very happy and secure that she did like me and things would be fine. I gave her my cellphone number and she said she would call me and we would make some plans. Now, one thing I should mention, is that this is a girl with a very busy scheudle. She works one job during the week and another job on the weekends and also takes college classes online but despite that she was still willing to go out with me. So about a week later she called me on a Thursday night and told me that she was going away with a few girlfriends on a skiing trip for the weekend and that in a few days when she comes back, she would call me again and then we would make our plans. Basically she said she was just calling me to tell me that she hasn't forgotten about me and she still wants to go out with me so she just wanted to call and let me know. So I said ok, no problem. So, needless to say the next week she never called. I gave it about two weeks and when I still hadn't heard from her I decided to give her a call myself. So I call and she doesn't answer the phone, I leave her a voicemail specifically asking her to call me back and she didn't. I gave it another month, I called her again and again she didn't answer the phone and again I left her a message on her voicemail and again she didn't call me back. So now I was very discouraged and confused as to what happened. I figured the only thing I could do was just wait until the next time I see her and try to talk to her in person and ask her what happened. So I didn't see her for a few months after that but finally one day I did and we started talking and she just said to me that things just got so busy and she hasnt had any free time but said that she did still want to go out with me and she took my number down again and again she would say that she would call me and again she didnt. Basically this has been going on with her for nearly two years now and whenever she sees me she tells me that we will go out when things "quiet down" but that never happens.

    I know there are so many possible reasons as to why she wont go out with me but the one thing that I do know for sure is that she is definately single. I also happen to be friendly with her father and I see him way more often that I see her and as recently as about two months ago when I was talking to him he had mentioned to me that she didn't have a boyfriend. He doesn't know that I had asked her out but he does know that me and her are friendly with each other and it was just something that had happened to come up in a conversation we were having.

    At this point, I know that I would be nothing short of a miracle if things were to work out between us because if I have been waiting this long then that tells me alot, but what I don't understand is why would a girl tell you yes, call you a week later and tell you yes again, run into you after that and tell you yes again all to just not go out with you ultimately. It makes no sense. Had she just said no to me on the first occasion that I asked her out then it would have ended right there. I wouldn't of had to make these phonecalls and leave these messages,etc.

    The other thing that bothers me is that its not just her. Unfortunately I have other similar stories about girls where almost the same thing had happened to me and I don't understand why. Why not just say no? or why not just say..sorry I am in a relationship..even if your not it still puts the message across that says I won't be going out with you.

    Can anyone explain this?!

     
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    Old 12-25-2006, 12:06 PM   #2
    GypsyArcher
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    Maybe some people just don't have the guts (or think they're being nice) by not coming straight out and saying they aren't interested. I used to be like that when I was younger and inexperienced. When a guy showed interest in me, I thought it was only polite to at least ACT like I was (or could be) interested as well, just so I wouldn't hurt his feelings. Then when it came down to him asking me for a date, I would keep trying to dodge it.

    If someone really likes you, then they will go out of their way to get to know you. If you keep on persuing someone who, subtley or not, keeps giving you the brush off, then you just have to take the hint and move on. Don't waste time on someone who has clearly shown they aren't too interested, it will only serve to frustrate the both of you.
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    Old 12-25-2006, 01:45 PM   #3
    ARIZONA73
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mattm4000
    The other thing that bothers me is that its not just her. Unfortunately I have other similar stories about girls where almost the same thing had happened to me and I don't understand why. Why not just say no? or why not just say..sorry I am in a relationship..even if your not it still puts the message across that says I won't be going out with you.

    Can anyone explain this?!
    Explain it? No, I can't. Well, now you know why men are from Mars and women are from Venus! And this has been going on for two years? I think I would have given up by now. She always says she is busy, but how busy can she be? She finds the time to go out with her girlfriends, right? I think that if she was really interested, she would have found the time. But since you already know her, why not just put it to her straight. Just politely tell her that you've been trying to get together with her for quite some time now, and that if she would really rather not, that you would appreciate it if she just told you so. Tell her that if she had rather not, that there would be no hard feelings, and that you would still be able to go on being friends with her. Maybe once you have made this clear to her, and that it wouldn't jeopardize your friendship in any way, perhaps you'll get a more honest, straightforward answer from her. Maybe!
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    Old 12-25-2006, 01:47 PM   #4
    Lance0204
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mattm4000
    Can anyone explain this?!


    well, i'm going through something similar. the fact is, i'm trying not to be so bitter about it. recently i had a revelation. the tables were actually turned for a change (believe it or not!! wonders never cease). there was this girl i met online that's dying to come and see me but i'm really not interested (actually she just wants sex, but..). anyway, i really couldn't even write an email saying that we should stop talking..i just couldn't it. so i kept talking to her but i kinda pulled away slowly and gradually. i started to respond less to her emails and i didn't call. i really can't explain this but i guess i got a glimpse of what women go through. its not as easy as it seems to reject someone. part of it as that you're afraid to hurt someone, or not knowing just how they'll react or whatever. after this experience i'm not so bitter after all (ok, maybe just a wee bit, ).

    it really isn't a good feeling to get your hopes up and then nothing happens. that's what i really hate. you have to be really thick skinned to deal with women. they're not easy!! from our end it just seems like they're cold and heartless; some might be but i just think they don't know what else to do. essentially what i do now is take EVERYTHING they say and promise with a quarter grain of salt and develop the mindset of "i'll believe it when it happens" and that if something seems to good to be true, it is!! they're very unpredictable.

     
    Old 12-26-2006, 06:59 AM   #5
    BrandyBobs Lady
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    People you meet online are almost always after sex and no lasting relationships. I found that out the hard way. Anytime I would go into a chat room guys would hit on me asking me my breast size and such and go for the sex talk rather than trying to find out about me and that was such a total turn off. I'm a person with feelings and emotions and not just an outlet for men to get off. I have had experiences with guys and wanting to go out with them and start a relationship but they weren't ready or just didn't want to. If I am rejected over and over again by the same guy I would think its time to stop this madness and move on. It takes time to find the right person. I finally met mine and without even looking. I met a guy who was honest and willing to share his life with me. It's great and I love feeling like I am part of his life.

     
    Old 12-26-2006, 04:28 PM   #6
    happymom28
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    I have to agree with GypsyArcher here. I too use to act all interested because I didn't want to be a b*^[email protected] When they would ask for my number I would always give them my friend's number (we have the same name which was even more cruel) so I wouldn't have to dodge the call. Very childish, I know. But I did grow up. Hopefully she will too.

    But seriously, don't waste anymore time on her. I'm sure there is a girl out there just dying to go out with you that you won't have to invest 2 years of chasing to.

     
    Old 12-26-2006, 06:52 PM   #7
    Lance0204
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    i always wondered why most women gave their right number. this makes it look like they guy actually has a chance when he doesn't. it would have been so much easier to give pizza hut's instead, .

     
    Old 12-27-2006, 05:46 AM   #8
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    I think you're leaving it too open-ended by asking a girl if she'd like to go out with you, she says yes, then you just give her your phone number to call you sometime in the future. Then you're left with weeks of wondering if she's going to call and then why she hasn't called.

    I realize hindsight's 20/20, but when that girl said she'd love to go out with you, you should have offered up a date at that time, something like "How about dinner Saturday? I'll pick you up at seven." At least if she wasn't interested, she would have stammered, thought up some excuse, asked for your number, and you would have known she wasn't really interested.

    No offense, but if a guy said he'd like to take me out on a date, then just gave me his phone number to call him sometime, it would be a turn off for me. I'd feel like he's just playing the field by passing out calling cards and not putting forth much effort. Now, if that guy approached me in a direct way with something specific in mind for a date (specific as to date, time and potential location) and I was honestly interested and attracted to him, I'd say yes and the wheels would be in motion.

     
    Old 12-27-2006, 08:12 AM   #9
    hagios
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    Hello, Mattm4000.

    I'm thinking that, as sweet as this gal sounds, there are two possibilities.

    1. She just doesn't like you and doesn't know how to say it.

    or

    2. She has issues keeping dates with guys. If she gave you such a look of confidence at first, she might be intimidated by someone she likes so much. Or, maybe she isn't interested in guys at all and plays more games than anything else. Maybe she's just not ready to settle down for a relationship yet and just wants to know you're there when she is ready. Not sure, but if this has been going on for two years and she hasn't had a bf the entire time, she has an issue of some kind that needs to be resolved first.

    BTW, you will appreciate this. (No disrespect to anyone is intended ... it's just a funny story.) I once was getting mixed signals from a young lady I had my eyes on, but I had no idea how to interpret them, so I posted my question on a Internet forum where the rule was only men ask the questions, and only women answer them. After a while, one of the gals said it's not a good idea to ask other women how to interpret what one woman is saying 'cuz you just wind up getting even more confused.

     
    Old 12-27-2006, 04:15 PM   #10
    Mattm4000
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    Re: Why do women do this? Help!

    Hey everyone, thanks for all your help and advice. This is actually very funny but I just posted this question two days ago and I haven't seen this girl in over a year and wouldn't you know it that today she came into my job and I actually got to see her and talk to her and give her a hug which was the best part.lol.
    Shes still talking about how busy she is but she says that she still has my number so I told her to give me a call sometime and she said that she would. Same old stuff basically I guess. She mentioned that she was going away with some friends this weekend so thats why I didn't try to make any specific plans with her this weekend. Its New Years weekend so I guess its a busy weekend and a bad weekend to try to make plans at this point, but I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. I really get the sense that shes just the type of girl that is happy and content with being single. She doesn't seem as if she's in any type of a rush to get into a relationship and maybe thats part of the problem , if not possibly the entire problem.
    Guess I will just have to wait and see what she does as the ball is back in her court.

    Keep the great advice coming though, its very much appreciated.

     
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