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  • Anger issues

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    Old 02-15-2007, 09:58 AM   #1
    rik666
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    Anger issues

    hi, i'm a 23y/o male, physically fit, however, i have always been a very angry person (my partner thinks i may have ADD also).
    I've driven away past partners because of my anger and inability to defuse situation when it stresses me out. i become aggitated and in some cases inadvertedly violent, now i have NEVER HIT a woman, but i did push my partner away from me this week and as a result we are now having relationship problems.

    YES, i know it wasn't a smart thing to do and i feel extremely bad about this. she wants me to control my issues and to sort my head out before i become a father, which is understandable because she now feels unsafe around me.

    i've booked in to an anger management class but that's not till march for the first one, i was just wondering if there are ANY remedies (medical OR herbal) that can be used to beat this affliction.

    ANY suggestions welcome as i have tried dealing with anger in traditional self - restriction methods and meditation but to no avail.

     
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    Old 02-15-2007, 10:25 AM   #2
    Sannah
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    Re: Anger issues

    Hi rik, this is great that you want to work on this. It is my belief that people are angry for a reason. Either their needs are not getting met or they feel they have suffered some injustice or something. I'll follow your posts.

     
    Old 02-15-2007, 01:43 PM   #3
    rik666
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    Re: Anger issues

    hi sannah, i think you've hit the nail on the head in some respects there,
    in some ways i do feel like injustices have been done sometimes but i also feel restricted and i have no vent anymore since my band broke up. My music has always been my release but that was an outlet for bottled up rage.

    I feel like my partner puts a lot of restriction on me also.

    but i've been trying to find herbal remedies, someone reccommended st john's wort. I have also found a councillor today.
    he charges 35 pounds a session but is supposed to be real good, so i've booked in but not till march.

    till then i'm trying to find ways to keep my cool without having medication as i don't like the way it messes with my perception and musical creativity. whenever i took meds i felt lifeless and miserable. i want to feel happy and positive, especially when we have a baby.

     
    Old 02-15-2007, 10:18 PM   #4
    firenice
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    Re: Anger issues

    rik
    do a net search on cognitive behavior therapy and rational emotive therapy. There is a lot of good information freely available. This information is very helpful with anger management and many anger management classes use this information in their curriculum. It's easy to understand stuff and can make a difference.

    Also, anger is the second of five stages in the traditional stages of grief and loss. That being the case, it may be that your anger is arising out of some loss, some unexpressed or unacknowledged grief, from the past. That might be an area worth exploring.

     
    Old 02-17-2007, 12:37 AM   #5
    rik666
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    Re: Anger issues

    That's really helpful and i've not even thought about the loss factor, but as far as i can remember i was the same before i lost any family, but it's worth checking out, thanks.

    I just wish my partner would help me out a little more though, she understands that i need to sort this out, but she's not helping any by having a go at me 24/7. she may be pregnant and her hormones may be through the roof, but she's demoted me to sleeping on a floor and is constantly snapping at me, pretty much making me want to explode, i just don't think it's fair that i've got to calm down but she gets to constantly rip me to shreds. i somehow have to get her to chill out too, stress isn't good for pregnancy, it's not good for me either because i'm full to brimming again with the constant mood she's in with me (and seems like nobody else gets them, not even when THEY **** her off, it's projected onto me.).

    i'll definitely search for that information, and get her to read it too so maybe she'll be more supportive.
    i'm in work at the moment, so i'll look when i get home.

     
    Old 02-17-2007, 07:56 AM   #6
    Sannah
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    Re: Anger issues

    Hi Rik, you shouldn't be going through your days feeling restricted. You should be able to express your needs and feelings and be able to work with your partner in order to compromise. Do you feel that you can express yourself to your partner? I used to be a screamer and my husband let me know everytime that I did it that it wasn't appropriate. He never screamed or became angry. I was finally able to stop. Sounds like your partner needs to work on her behavior.

     
    Old 02-17-2007, 08:56 AM   #7
    rik666
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    Re: Anger issues

    well, she will have a go and be moody, but mainly due to pregnancy hormones etc, i know that's no excuse but still plays with her moods a LOT.

    but she recognizes she needs to help me, but so far no signs and she keeps telling me that if my behaviour improves then hers will too, but i'm in a bit of a rut when she gets moody and junk.

    i can express things, but sometimes fear reactions may be negative to things and if a negative reaction occurs usually this leads to conflict, i have a very loving relationship though, aside from the obvious problems.

    now, the things i do to relax aren't her idea of fun and although i try and share "lazy days" where i'll play xbox and she'll maybe do something like read or draw (she's an artist). but this just seems like a chore for her at the moment when i want to do something that i enjoy and have some time to myself i seek approval and just get **** for it.

    now, when i'm in work she has time to do all her activities etc, but i don't get time to do any of the things i want to do even for a short period.

    granted none of them are what people would call important activities, but they are my hobbies. I used to do them to excess, granted but i find the time i am able to do these things without being persecuted for it is getting to absolute zero. i even tried getting her to do them with me, but that's not going to happen.

    i am going to have a talk with her after work tonight though and hope she understands more.

    thanks for all the help guys.

     
    Old 02-17-2007, 10:14 AM   #8
    Sannah
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    Re: Anger issues

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rik666 View Post
    but she recognizes she needs to help me, but so far no signs and she keeps telling me that if my behaviour improves then hers will too, but i'm in a bit of a rut when she gets moody and junk.

    i can express things, but sometimes fear reactions may be negative to things and if a negative reaction occurs usually this leads to conflict

    when i want to do something that i enjoy and have some time to myself i seek approval and just get **** for it.

    now, when i'm in work she has time to do all her activities etc, but i don't get time to do any of the things i want to do even for a short period.
    Rik, I would suggest stating your needs and feelings and then both of you working on a compromise where you are both getting your needs met to some degree. You should be able to get some free time to have hobbies. What happens with the negative reactions which cause conflict? Can you be more specific?

     
    Old 02-17-2007, 02:14 PM   #9
    rik666
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    Re: Anger issues

    well, the negative reactions are just
    to things i want to do, or things i do, like just now. i had my 360 plugged into the tv and intended on getting an hour or so game time after i've finished burning some music for my grandad after just taking her out and she's taken it out to watch a dvd, and moaned at me for moving **** around, ALSO shouting me in a room just to have a go and when i calmly assert myself bear in mind i said CALM (because i'm TRYING) she said "don't snap at me" and herself, snapped at me, now i just want to break something because she's winding me up so much and then wondering why i'm in a bad mood.

    plus, everytime she shouts me for irrelevant **** i'm supposed to come at every beck and call, what about my needs? (and am i being selfish here?)

    like, JUST NOW she came into the spare room in underwear expecting me to drop everything for her.

    if i didn't love her then i would be gone by now. and my patience is wearing thin, if she won't help me, then i'm screwed.

     
    Old 02-17-2007, 02:17 PM   #10
    rik666
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    Re: Anger issues

    well, the negative reactions are just
    to things i want to do, or things i do, like just now. i had my 360 plugged into the tv and intended on getting an hour or so game time after i've finished burning some music for my grandad after just taking her out and she's taken it out to watch a dvd, and moaned at me for moving **** around, ALSO shouting me in a room just to have a go and when i calmly assert myself bear in mind i said CALM (because i'm TRYING) she said "don't snap at me" and herself, snapped at me, now i just want to break something because she's winding me up so much and then wondering why i'm in a bad mood.

    plus, everytime she shouts me for irrelevant **** i'm supposed to come at every beck and call, what about my needs? (and am i being selfish here?)

    like, JUST NOW she came into the spare room in underwear expecting me to drop everything for her.

    if i didn't love her then i would be gone by now. and my patience is wearing thin, if she won't help me, then i'm screwed.

     
    Old 02-17-2007, 02:19 PM   #11
    rik666
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    Re: Anger issues

    plus, i just asked her to talk to me about it and she's convinced i'm making her out to be a bad guy and that none of this would have happened if it wasn't for me, i'm close to tears and she doesn't give a flying ****.

    right now, i just feel like exploding. but i have to keep it all in.

     
    Old 02-18-2007, 02:13 AM   #12
    Phoenix
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    Re: Anger issues

    Dear rik,

    Might I suggest getting rid of the numerology after your screen name?

    If you keep this number, you will feel that it is part of you.

    I am not being judgemental, it is just an "observational suggestion."

    My intention is not to anger you but simply view things from another angle.

    Take care
    God Bless
    FTM

    Last edited by Phoenix; 03-01-2007 at 03:36 AM.

     
    Old 02-18-2007, 08:28 AM   #13
    Sannah
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    Re: Anger issues

    Rik, you two have a lot going on here. Sounds like she doesn't want to take any responsibility for her part of this problem - she just wants to blame you. You said that you feel like exploding but you have to keep it all in. Exploding isn't good but letting it out before it gets that bad is VERY good. She really needs to work with you and it sounds like she just wants to blame everything on you. I would suggest to keep telling her calmly what is going on here - examples are the best way to do this.

    She does sound a bit selfish taking out your 360. Tell her when she snaps at you. Sorry that you have to go through this but you can continue to work on this with her. The key word here is WORK because this is what it is going to be. You can do it, though, and it will work. Your only other option that I see is to leave her but you said that you love her and you would probably just find the same set up again with someone else until you learn what is going on with you in relationships. Sounds like you need to learn to stand up for yourself early in relationships and nip that selfishness of others in the bud early. Keep posting.

     
    Old 02-18-2007, 12:18 PM   #14
    rik666
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    Re: Anger issues

    FTM - the number in the username is significant as a term of endeerment for me because of my taste in music (mainly metal) and it just kinda stuck as an online handle also, i don't use it to conflict anyone's beliefs and it also comes from the fact that i was once convinced that i was evil, but i realized i just needed to let go.

    sannah, thanks for the last post, i'm trying to get her to understand and am going to ask her to read some of these posts if she wants to know what's going on on here, she'll see that it's healthy and start working with me, she's getting me to meditate and the issue with my gaming has been addressed as this is a major stress relief for me.

    i'll keep trying to bring her round and once i know how to be assertive without being angry i will be able to safely stand up for myself without fear of something bad happening. some people say i'm whipped or i'm chicken ****, others understand. the ones that don't understand, i leave them to their ignorance and not let it bother me, maybe i should but i try not to.

    i vent regularly through music, painting and even sitting on a bus with a bit of music booming into my ears is soothing. so i have outlets, but there's still some stuff bottling up, y'know?

    still, like i said, once i learn how to be assertive without being angry and loud i may be better at expressing things towards her and other people.

     
    Old 02-18-2007, 04:23 PM   #15
    rik666
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    Re: Anger issues

    .... i swear she's not even trying.

    sat in the bedroom playing call of duty 2 while she's in here using the pc.
    i had a bowl of rice, she comes in and starts on me for eating in the room, then puts SHOES on TOP OF MY XBOX while i'm using it, throws my dvd case full of games around. snaps at me and when i defended myself i got the following :

    "you haven't changed one bit" etc etc.

    so now, I'm in the wrong?

    if she hadn't bitched at me for no reasons then maybe i wouldn't have had a reason to get a little upset, emphasis on the little. ie - i basically stood up for myself a little.

    so, she isn't willing to calm down around me to help, so i'm seriously close to just crawling in my bed at my appartment and forgetting she exists until she realizes how she's making me feel by not helping me out after she said she's here for me.

    somehow this is ALL my fault.

    well, surely i'm the only one who's angry.....

    ...um.... some how i ****ing doubt it. she needs a ****ing anger management class and to ****ing calm down. me? i'm not calm right now, in fact, i'm so close to throwing a brick at someone i can taste it.

    i don't understand how people that supposedly love and care for me STILL insist on winding me up and getting snappy with me then EXPECT ME TO JUST SIT AND ****ING TAKE IT!!

    sorry, this sounds like a vent, in a way yes, it is, but it's also a little more information on this situation that i'm pretty sure will not end pretty.


     
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