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    Old 03-15-2007, 06:14 AM   #31
    mama2izzy
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    OMG what a pig!!! ***? So it's just okay to go out with another woman, while your wife and kid are visibly upset when you leave??? Not to mention he thinks it's okay in general to just go out with this woman??? If that were my husband I'd be pulling a Bobbit on him, he wouldn't be going out with any woman ever again!!!

    I feel very VERY strongly about cheating, so if this comes out a bit strong, I apologize. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt a few times...

    One thing that I cannot seem to get over in this post is the fact that you were in such a bad first marriage with your ex cheating with your sister--your husband obviously knows this fact--and yet he SNUCK behind your back to go out with this woman.

    If it was all harmless, he would have been up front with you about this.

    And the condom? Red flag!!!!! You've been married how long? Why would he keep a condom in his wallet...he's married, he doesn't need a condom...

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you have been through so much already, this is the last thing you need. Hang in there, and ALWAYS trust your instincts, you've been there before and I think our instincts are no match for a man's lies!!!

     
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    Old 03-15-2007, 06:29 AM   #32
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mama2izzy View Post
    OMG what a pig!!!
    Yes, a total PIG - best word for him. If I were you I'd organise a baby sitter and head out some night. It dosent matter if you're in company or alone, as long as you leave him with the impression you're going to the movies and dinner. You should GO to the movies, buy two tickets and leave the stubs where he'll find them when he inevitably goes snooping.

    Go to a new restaurant that you've never been in with your husband and eat like a horse, two starters, two main courses, you get the message. Leave the receipt with the tickets stubs. When he wants to know who you were with, you just give him the same lines he gave you and then sit back and see what this PIG thinks of that!

     
    Old 03-15-2007, 06:35 AM   #33
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    I, too, am so sorry you're going through this. The previous poster's description of him I agree with ... PIG! To be so controlling of you, so insensitive to your feelings, bare no responsibility when it comes to BC when it comes to your relationship, but then to go out on a date with another woman with a condom in his wallet. And roses are supposed to somehow make up for this??? Is he kidding?

    And, sorry, but there are ebbs and flows, peaks and valleys with sex in every marriage. Very rarely do both partners have a "valley" at the same time. Men are at their peak in their late teens and early 20s; women usually hit their peak in their 30s and 40s, right when their husbands are beginning to suffer from ED and/or slow down a bit; then men hopefully get the ED under control and the wives are beginning menopause. This is no excuse for cheating -- no matter who's in a peak and who's in a valley. I've never heard of any marriage vows saying something to the effect of, "I'll be faithful as long as I can get sex from my spouse." Sex in a marriage or long-term relationship is important and can be a cause of friction and disagreement, but it's really no different than any issue in a marriage. You realize there's a problem and work to resolve it. You don't take co-workers out on dates with the hopes of getting laid with your spouse and crying child at home wondering what you're doing.

    OP, I wish you the best of luck. And I know you said you're only thinking of the kids regarding your decision to stay with this man, but don't forget our kids learn from parents. It doesn't sound like this man treats you very well, and you know this man left a crying child who wanted to be with him to go on a date with another woman. Is that really a good role model for kids? Just something to think about -- and maybe for your husband to think about, too, if you decide to try and work it out.

     
    Old 03-15-2007, 07:06 AM   #34
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    Dont bottle things in that wont help. Scream into a pillow or heck even rip up a few pillows or old clothes that you dont need any more. You need to vent because keeping it in wont help the healing process.
    Sit him down and explain that even if he didnt cheat physically that you know of emotionally you still feel cheated on. Emotional cheating is one of the hardest to come back from because it tears at the very foundation of the relationship. The book talks about that as well. Even if he doesnt read point out parts to him,underline them and either read them to him or hand the book to him and watch him read it. Tell him if he truly wants to stay married to you then part of working on it is him reading that book and understanding what he did was wrong.
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    Old 03-15-2007, 09:21 AM   #35
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    well, from the sound of it, he's also physically cheating! And if he's not, it won't be long!! What a JERK!!!!! I would have taken his "roses" and shoved them up his "A**"!

     
    Old 03-15-2007, 09:54 AM   #36
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    this is how my marriage ended last year. my stbxh had a "friend" from work that he hung out with for lunch. they've worked together..or in the same area at the banks corp center for years. she was married but then said she was getting a divorce. so my stbxh helped her move. then her pc needed fixing. he's a programer so he went to help with that. then she joined others at work and his friends outside of work for poker nights. all this time telling me they were "just friends". longs story short...they live together now... sooooo i wouldn't trust you hubby as far as i could throw him now. as you read my previous posts i was trying to give him the benefit of a doubt. but thats long gone with this new info you have given us. unless he will find another job, you will prob. never be able to trust him agian while he's not with you. sorry.

     
    Old 03-15-2007, 10:02 AM   #37
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tarheel247 View Post
    unless he will find another job, you will prob. never be able to trust him agian while he's not with you.
    Yes, this is true. As long as he is working around her you are always going to be wondering what's going on between them. I dont know about you, but I couldnt stick that. It'd be more than my mental health could take!

    Last edited by Laylah; 03-15-2007 at 10:03 AM.

     
    Old 03-15-2007, 12:25 PM   #38
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    [QUOTE=tarheel247;2859992 as you read my previous posts i was trying to give him the benefit of a doubt. but thats long gone with this new info you have given us. [/QUOTE]


    Yeah I second that! I also was trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, without jumping straight in assuming he was definitely cheating.

    The problem is we are getting to a point now where can anyone trust anyone anymore? that is so sad.

    I honestly thought your husband was trying to wind you up and enjoying your reaction! you say he likes to control you, and it came across to me that he was trying to get you going, in a manipulative way.

    I only hope this guy isn't trying to call your bluff.

    personally, you don't need to be with someone you now will NEVER trust.

     
    Old 03-15-2007, 08:45 PM   #39
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    Oh my god Suzy I am so sorry that your suspcions were correct! It breaks my heart to hear of someone being cheated on in this manner because it happened to me, too! My boyfriend had a nine month long affair with this woman he worked with. Listening to your story just made my heart drop as I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now, and it's one of the worst feelings in the world.

    I know you don't want a divorce and marriage is obviously totally different than just being in a relationship with someone, but if I were you, I would make myself stone to him. I would become ice cold and throw his roses right out into the street until you are able to heal from this. I don't want to make you any more mad or upset than you already are, but I would NOT believe for one second that your husband is not or has not slept with this woman. God I hate to say that, but he had a CONDOM in his wallet....something that he won't even use with you, when you are worried about pregnancy. If he didn't already have sex, you better believe that he was planning on it happening very soon. And I keep thinking--why would the condom be open? The only scenario I can think of is that your husband and this woman were about to have sex and were interrupted, or one of them decided not to go through with it. Why else would a person open up a condom?

    I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I am still with the man that cheated on me, and although we are closer in many, many ways, I still am not entirely sure that I'll be able to fully trust him again. The second he works overtime or doesn't pick up his phone, I am filled with a feeling of dread. We are trying so hard to work through the fact that he cheated, but it's such an incredibly difficult and emotionally trying process. I think it would be easier for me if my boyfriend cheated on me one time by having sex with another woman rather than having an all-out affair. Neither are right, but it still kills me that he had strong feelings for this other woman, and showed her more respect than he showed me.

    I see that your husband doesn't want to classify his little date as cheating. BULL! MAKE him know that it was cheating. Because he won't accept blame, he is unaccountable for his actions, and is therefore not truly making it up to you because in his mind he is "innocent". I would also tell my husband to quit his job and find a new oen ASAP. There is no way that he is going to be able to succesfully break off an emotional affair when he sees the woman everyday. In my case, my boyfriend now works the opposite shift as the woman he cheated on me with, and she is now married and had another child.

    I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this...I know it's tough. It's easy in this situation to just crumble and break down, and if you have to, let it happen so you don't hold it all in as resentment (although you have a right to be resentful). The best advice I can give you is to tell you to keep doing positive affirmations. Tell yourself that you deserve better over and over again until you believe it. Get a new haircut or get your nails done or something, and look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are better than any man that would do this to you. Regardless of WHAT issues you and your husband were having in the bedroom it doesn't give him ANY excuse to cheat and IS NOT your fault. Somtimes sex drives naturally decline after many years of marriage, and your husband should've had the self control and committment to his marriage to put his energy there, where it belongs. What a pig is right.

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    Old 03-16-2007, 12:53 AM   #40
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    It's odd how males don't view it as cheating if there was no sex involved and they don't understand why their partner is getting all upset over it. They are also very casual about one night stands and they don't see why the wife/girl friend gets upset over a one night stand b/c to them a one nighter doesn't mean anything and they say it was only physical and not emotional so what's the big deal. The feel if there are "emotions" involved that that is when it's labelled cheating, whereas for us females whether it's emotions, lies or physical sex we view it as cheating.

    I spoke of these issues with a male friend who i was having a chat to about cheating and he simply said "funny how females react that way, guys dont......." My ex husband even said that if i cheated he would give me a second go, whereas a female would usually say "you cheat once, you're out the door".

    Personally i'd go have the STD tests and make sure you ask for a herpes test too as they don't include that in with the STD testing. It's a seperate test for which you have to specifically ask for. Don't feel ashamed as you are having these tests for your well being. I would ask him for the same test due to the open condom packet. Who knows, maybe they went to use the condom and decided to have sex without the condom. If he doesn't carry condoms in his wallet on a regular basis and this was a one off and the pair of you do not use condoms then i'd be thinking he bought the condom in advance for a reason. Kind of premeditated i'd say!!

    The more you question him the less you will get out of him. All you can do is to either reconcile and attempt to let bygones be bygones and keep one eye open for repeat offences or try counselling for either couples or on your own. Actually i feel counselling would be very beneficial for you as i believe there are issues from your first marriage that you haven't gotten over yet. Not that you can forget a man cheating on you, but sometimes when certain issues are carried from one relationship to the next it can negatively affect the new relationship. You shouldn't have to get all paranoid over every little thing, but it is only human nature especially if you have been cheated on so badly in the past. Also if he truly is having an affair, he might attempt to cover his tracks extra well at the moment, but once he feels that he is in the clear he will likely take some risks.

    Just remember, cheaters wont always use a credit card. Some of them use cash so you wont be able to trace which restaurant was used. Cheaters will also get a seperate phone number with a prepaid card or two seperate memory chips for their phone (had this happen to me once!!) Cheaters will also get their mobile phone bill sent to their work if work is paying for part of their phone usage due to work related expenses so you wont ever see the phone bill and txt/voice messages + history can be wiped. The only fool proof way of catching somebody is using one of those private eye's who deals in catching out cheating partners, but i'd say for now your husband will keep a low profile as he knows you have your suspicions about him.

     
    Old 03-16-2007, 08:00 AM   #41
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    same thing with my ex! He had an online affair that lasted for 3 months! He told the woman he loved her and they had "phone sex" together on his cell phone and our home phone! But it wasn't cheating!! Since they never had physical contact, it was ok that he was telling another "BIMBO" that he loved her! (by the way, she was also married and had 3 kids!)! Pathetic! In my book, if your going out with another person alone to dinner, movies, etc. and your SO is at home, you're cheating! And it WILL lead to physical contact because if there was no attraction there, they wouldn't be out together in the first place!

     
    Old 03-16-2007, 08:55 AM   #42
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    How about the people that don't think they are cheating as long as the partner doesn't ever find out!!!!!!!!!!! This was my husband's EX's philosophy on cheating! Whatever!

     
    Old 03-16-2007, 09:30 AM   #43
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    I definately think he is cheating or about to...
    one- he goes into the bathroom to fix a time to meet
    two- he doesnt tell you who he is going with until you drag it out of him
    three- he gives you flowers and candy after the confession- sounds like the generic followups of a cheater... all abusives do that... physical abusers, cheaters...
    four- he has an opened condom in his wallet

    I would ask him to submit to a lie detector test at this point before you go thru more torture and waste more of your time.

     
    Old 03-16-2007, 09:54 AM   #44
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    The open condom to me means that he wanted to have sex but something happened to stop it OR he had sex without a condom after she said it was OK to not use one! Either way he was definitely planning on it or did.

     
    Old 03-16-2007, 10:07 AM   #45
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    Re: cheating yes no maybe?

    Hire private detective and you will know the truth.

     
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