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  • Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

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    Old 03-19-2007, 06:42 PM   #16
    galinaqt
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    I have low self-esteem 'cause of my background and very shy. My dh is working with me to help. I've changed a lot. May be you can help this person. There are shortcomings much worse than that. I think you are not attracted to him enough.

     
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    Old 03-19-2007, 07:13 PM   #17
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph48 View Post
    I am sorry for anyone who has self esteem issues, but lets face it - what do you want, and why do you want someone else to do it for you? The ball is in your court when all is said and done, it is all about getting out there and taking chances. How can you expect anyone else to like you when you don't even like yourself? I know this sounds hard, but it is true. Most people are in there swimming for their lives emotionally, and can't afford to take on someone who will just hang on and not swim for themselves. Get to like yourself, it doesn't matter how many people like you or swoon at your feet or whatever; if you don't like yourself, it makes no difference.
    It's not so much that I don't like myself. It's that who I am is obviously not attractive enough to garner attention from others. That's what makes me feel down on myself. Having social anxiety is bad enough. Being disrespected by society in general for it makes it worse.

    I also don't agree completely with the notion that guys aren't attracted to shy girls who seem down. It may be true for experienced guys who can attract a lot of girls, but when I see a girl like that, I start asking myself about what her problems may be. Does she suffer from some of the same things I do, and if so, I'd love to meet her because maybe we can help each other. Of course, I could never instigate meeting anybody. I don't know exactly why I have the anxieties I do. It feels like something physically blocks me from trying to start a conversation.

    With society today seemingly dictating that guys have to make the first move, how else am I supposed to feel? I take care of my appearance, I am active in the community so it's not like I hide in my basement 24/7, and I consider myself to be a nice guy. Sometimes I can do alright if I am approached, but I can't approach with the first move. I start to twitch, I get sweaty, which brings out body odor, and sometimes the anxiety gets bad enough where I have to sit down because I get dizzy.

    It's unbelievably hard nearing your mid-20's and never having any positive social experience.

     
    Old 03-20-2007, 03:06 AM   #18
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Van if its any consolation there are girls out there that actually prefer a shyer guy.

    Me for one, my partner was very shy when we first met, I have dated the 'arrogant too sure of himself type', and I can tell you that I was MORE attracted to my boyfriend, because he was shy, he wasn't as forward and pushey as some guys are.

    It really depends on the female you are wishing to attract, to me shyness isn't a weakness, it is actually a rare attractive quality to have as a guy, and you WILL meet likeminded girls one day.


     
    Old 03-20-2007, 04:00 AM   #19
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    I agree with van27. Does anyone else know how hard havng low self esteem is? If we could as van was saying turn a switch we wouldn't be posting on this site would we!

     
    Old 03-20-2007, 05:39 AM   #20
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
    Van if its any consolation there are girls out there that actually prefer a shyer guy.

    Me for one, my partner was very shy when we first met, I have dated the 'arrogant too sure of himself type', and I can tell you that I was MORE attracted to my boyfriend, because he was shy, he wasn't as forward and pushey as some guys are.

    It really depends on the female you are wishing to attract, to me shyness isn't a weakness, it is actually a rare attractive quality to have as a guy, and you WILL meet likeminded girls one day.

    Van and Therag, what Brook says is very, very true. I was not looking for a "shy" guy 17 years ago, but I had grown very wary of the arrogant/pushy men who wanted to take me out. When a shy, quiet artist approached me in the store I was working at, kicking at his feet, a light bead of sweat on his brow and blushing, I jumped at the chance to go out with him. And it wasn't a pity type of thing. I was genuinely honored and flattered that he'd somehow gotten up the nerve to ask me out being as shy and quiet as he is. I didn't feel like one in a sea of thousands like I had with other men I'd dated or just another notch in the bedpost, you know?

    And I'm not a shy person. I have a very strong and assertive personality. I don't view being shy as a weakness. If anything, sometimes I wish I was a bit more shy. For our relationship, we compliment each other wonderfully. When a strong, assertive trait is needed in any given situation, I step in. When a "silence is golden" situation arises, he steps in.

    And I thank my lucky stars every day that he asked me out that night in a shoe store. Evidently, I was his "secret crush" for quite some time, but he just couldn't approach a pretty girl and ask her out. His best friend was fed up with him, so he drove him to the mall where I worked and basically forced him to just do it. We've lost touch with that friend, but I'd love to find him and thank him for what he did, after such a fabulous 17 years with my now hubby.

    Just wanted to share a perspective of a woman who found quiet and shy a breath of fresh air and very attractive

     
    Old 03-20-2007, 01:40 PM   #21
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    But let's be honest, it's not just women who aren't attracted to men with low self esteem. The only men who are attracted to women with low self esteem are men who want to exploit or take advantage of it somehow. Men aren't attracted to women who hang their heads all the time, don't take pride in their appearance, who aren't sparkly and bubbly and lively and full of fun, who instead are clingy, insecure and whiny and who can't take care of themselves.
    My case totally contadict with your theory, although may be I am an exeption. At the time I met my dh I was very shy and had very low self-esteem due to very unfortinate events in my past. In addition I am a foreighner with a heavy accent and language problem, while my dh is an american and good looking. It didn't turn him off and he helped me to improve in any way (touch wood we are married for 9 years already).

    On another subject, if man is abusive, has alcohol/drug problems I'd say no-no. Other kind of problems are workable.

     
    Old 03-20-2007, 05:15 PM   #22
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by galinaqt View Post
    My case totally contadict with your theory, although may be I am an exeption. At the time I met my dh I was very shy and had very low self-esteem due to very unfortinate events in my past. In addition I am a foreighner with a heavy accent and language problem, while my dh is an american and good looking. It didn't turn him off and he helped me to improve in any way (touch wood we are married for 9 years already).

    On another subject, if man is abusive, has alcohol/drug problems I'd say no-no. Other kind of problems are workable.
    Well, it's not theory, it also comes from personal experience. Granted, I don't have a lot of it, but most men I know prefer a woman who is mature and self assured, assertive, independent, secure and confident and strong. My ex boyfriend's main criticism about me was that I was insecure and lacked confidence and was not assertive. That's why he turned around and married a ba**-busting, loud mouthed woman who wears the pants. But, they say every pot has a lid, and your case proves that there are some men out there who will see a shy, slightly insecure woman and look beyond her issues and love the good stuff about her anyway, and bring it out in her. It's wonderful you found such a man. We should all be that lucky!!

     
    Old 03-20-2007, 08:14 PM   #23
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    Well, it's not theory, it also comes from personal experience. Granted, I don't have a lot of it, but most men I know prefer a woman who is mature and self assured, assertive, independent, secure and confident and strong. My ex boyfriend's main criticism about me was that I was insecure and lacked confidence and was not assertive. That's why he turned around and married a ba**-busting, loud mouthed woman who wears the pants. But, they say every pot has a lid, and your case proves that there are some men out there who will see a shy, slightly insecure woman and look beyond her issues and love the good stuff about her anyway, and bring it out in her. It's wonderful you found such a man. We should all be that lucky!!
    Your ex sound like a type who needs another mother. Not everybody like that. I know at least two people with a lot of problems who found partners.

    Last edited by galinaqt; 03-20-2007 at 08:19 PM.

     
    Old 03-21-2007, 12:42 PM   #24
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by galinaqt View Post
    My case totally contadict with your theory, although may be I am an exeption. At the time I met my dh I was very shy and had very low self-esteem due to very unfortinate events in my past. In addition I am a foreighner with a heavy accent and language problem, while my dh is an american and good looking. It didn't turn him off and he helped me to improve in any way (touch wood we are married for 9 years already).

    On another subject, if man is abusive, has alcohol/drug problems I'd say no-no. Other kind of problems are workable.
    I am new to this boards but I had to respond, I don't see why having a foreign accent should bother you. For you info everybody has an accent - even americans. When an American is speaking english to non-American, the people on th receiving end say the speaker has an accent. an accent is just a way a pronouncing words, whisch everybody has.
    i see absolutelu no reason why it should give you esteem issues. look at is this way, consider abybody who is bothered or behaves differenly because of a way of a different way of pronouncing english words as ignorant and confined to her city.
    I LOVE the beauty in diversity in everything icluding ways of talking.
    Keep your chin up!!

     
    Old 03-21-2007, 12:48 PM   #25
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    I married a shy guy. I had to pursue him at first and be the confident one in the relationship. As our relationship grew, he became more confident and outgoing, and his self esteem improved greatly. So they are not a "total loss." In fact, I prefer a shy guy over the showy, egotistical ones. Now, did I have to constantly build him up and stroke his ego? No, but my husband is HOT - very attractive and looks like a model. You would think a guy like that would have all the self esteem and confidence in the world. But he was just a normal, shy guy who didn't have a lot of experience when it came to women. I loved it about him NOT because I could "control" him or get him to do whatever I wanted (like someone suggested), but because he was so different than all of the normal jerks I was used to dating - the ones that weren't shy and had a little too much self esteem! I found his shyness endearing, and it is been great to see how my social qualities have helped him grow, while his quieter qualities have helped me become more reserved (which is a good thing because I used to be really loud-mouthed!)

    We all have our own insecurities. My husband's good looks made me insecure that some day, a model Barbie girl would come along and take him from me! Van, have you ever heard of the Attacking Anxiety & Depression program? If you search for it, I think it might help you greatly. I have severe anxiety and the program has really helped.

     
    Old 03-22-2007, 01:57 AM   #26
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Is shyness and confidence a different thing? I think I do have confidence to a degree, for instence I have travelled by plane on my own and would have no problem doing it again, and I have no problem going to the cinema on my own etc. My shyness is the nagging feeling I get that people don't like me or think I am boring, that's why I like to spend time on my own. I think I am shy but also I do have a degree of confidence, atleast a small bit.

     
    Old 03-22-2007, 08:12 PM   #27
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    CandP, and EVERY OTHER WOMAN ON THIS BOARD--

    What CandP described is what's wrong with most women today. Here's the problem: YOU'RE BEING TOO PICKY!

    Should you give him a chance? Well, to answer your question, YES!!!!. Anyway, the thing about nice guys--even exceptionally nice guys--is they will normal off after a while. Trust me, you can convince him that he's also significant and that you're not perfect. He will normal off, believe me.

    What you shouldn't do is get a guy who's a bit too confident. Why? Because a guy with confidence is more likely to find you replaceable. A shy, eager-to-please guy will do ANYTHING to keep you happy. If you don't like that, then you can desensitize him over time. I know these things, because I was that guy at one time. For the love of God, GIVE HIM A CHANCE!

     
    Old 03-22-2007, 08:30 PM   #28
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    To add on some things (after reading some of the mislead posts on this thread)...


    You women have to understand, it's not as easy for men to feel confident around the opposite sex. Think about it, you have men howling at you very often. And don't say you don't, because you get TEN times more attention than any guy on a regular basis. Before you even speak, you have guys trying to get a glimpse of your breasts and backside. What's more? You guys get SO MUCH of this attention, that you have the nerve to get mad and annoyed at us for looking! Most guys would KILL to have girls looking at us all the time.

    You guys think our insecurities are a weakness, because you're used to feeling like the opposite sex is dispensable. These feelings (from men and women) are evident in life, in the media, and tradition. You women already know what kind of treatment the opposite sex gives you. Yes, there are the cocky guys who use women for one-night stands. But for the most part, men IDOLIZE women as goddesses. We really do put you guys high above us on a pedastal, and view each and every one of you as someone outside of our league. I mean, how many times in a movie have you seen a woman tell a guy she isn't interested? It's disgusting! She doesn't even give him a chance to try! Do you ever see a guy turn down a girl? Do you ever hear a guy saying "I'm just not ready for a relationship" or "I need some space" or "I don't need a woman to be happy"?

    Guys NEED love from you women. I think it's sad that you don't understand how much power you really have over males. You think it's okay to totally ruin a man's self-esteem, not because he's mean or cocky, but because he's TOO nice. That's called being PICKY, and it's wrong! I also don't think you realize how severely such put-downs mentally mess with a guy's personality.

    Again, I say these things as an actual MAN who has been through this, as have many other guys.

    Last edited by keyboardplaya; 03-22-2007 at 08:34 PM.

     
    Old 03-23-2007, 07:45 AM   #29
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Well it's been 9 days since we've met face to face. I've been dealing with a family health issue that has been on my mind since then, so I haven't emailed him at all. I did tell him about it then. Do I email him a hello? At this point, as I've said, I can't see me in a relationship. Just a friend, for sure.

    But would I be encouraging anything? I mean, if we do become friends, go out, would it be a problem if I tell him that we'll go out and look for dates or s/th? I mean two friends going out, talking to others etc? Though I got the impression from emails & meeting up/talking that he doesn't approach girls very easily b/c of his shyness...he hasn't tried to contact me either....but I do need more friends in my life....I am so confused!! What do I do?

     
    Old 03-23-2007, 08:35 AM   #30
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    Re: Men Who Are Shy And/Or With Low Self Esteem...Are They Worth Giving A Try?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Therag View Post
    Is shyness and confidence a different thing? I think I do have confidence to a degree, for instence I have travelled by plane on my own and would have no problem doing it again, and I have no problem going to the cinema on my own etc. My shyness is the nagging feeling I get that people don't like me or think I am boring, that's why I like to spend time on my own. I think I am shy but also I do have a degree of confidence, atleast a small bit.
    Well I think it's totally possible to have confidence in one area but no or little confidence in another area. I often lack confidence when doing my job but I don't lack confidence when I am driving to an unfamiliar place.

     
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