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  • Guys and their fantasies

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    Old 03-23-2007, 12:59 AM   #1
    ladyjustice
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    Question Guys and their fantasies

    I've been with my bf now for about two-and-a-half years. We've been having a long distance relationship for the last four months and have only seen each other a few times during that period. Even though we're 2,000 miles apart, we talk several times a day and he's been very loving and supportive of me. And for the most part, he's pretty tolerant of me even when I go nuts and start piling all my insecurities on him.

    Recently my bf told me that he doesn't always fantasize about me, but that he has sexual fantasies about other women as well. I know he looks at porn, which took me a long time to come to grips with, but I guess to hear him say out loud that he has fantasies about other women does kinda hurt me. Since we're apart, we obviously can't have sex, so I know he does have to find ways to relieve himself when he gets in the mood. But just knowing that he fantasizes sexually about other women (like the porn women) makes me insecure.

    I work out and try to keep in shape but I guess I just feel like if I had the perfect body or looked like a model, then he wouldn't have to fantasize about other women? He says that it's normal to have fantasies and said it would not bother him at all if I fantasized about other men.

    I feel like I shouldn't let this whole 'fantasizing about other women' bother me, but it does. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

    Last edited by ladyjustice; 03-23-2007 at 01:01 AM.

     
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    Old 03-23-2007, 04:07 AM   #2
    Seraph
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    There are some things that people should sometimes just keep to themselves. But he has said it now, and like you, I probably would not like to hear it said out loud. I don't know, if we took a poll, how many people would do this. Don't take it personally, in terms of comparing yourself to anyone he may be imagining, I know this may be hard. It would be much easier for both of you to deal with this if you were together...I reckon that if you WERE together, there would not be the fantasies. Perhaps he feels that it would be a bit disrespectful "pleasuring himself" while thinking of you, I don't know. Keep talking about it to him, get his side of the story.

     
    Old 03-23-2007, 12:28 PM   #3
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    that would be enough for me to let this one go......it's not much of a relationship as it is, you hardly ever see each other and you're long distance. Let him go and have his fantasies.....find yourself a real man who can keep you warm at night.....the phone wires just don't cut it.

     
    Old 03-23-2007, 02:11 PM   #4
    ladyjustice
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    I guess I should clarify a bit. My bf didn't just blurt out that statement out of the blue. We were having a conversation about porn and about self stimulation, if you will. So in the course of our conversation, which had turned into a heated discussion, he told me he fantasizes about other people (usually when he needs to release and watches porn) but that he also fantasizes about me as well.

    I pressed him further about it, and he basically said that it's like getting lost in the moment when you are watching that stuff until the point of release, I suppose. He says that there's a distinction between fantasy and reality and that he would never act on fantasy, and that when he is "with" me, he is only with me and only thinking about me. I guess I had always known this to be the case, but it's the fact that I heard it said aloud that makes it an actual reality for me, rather than just something I kept in the back of my mind, but which I never had to really deal with.

     
    Old 03-23-2007, 03:51 PM   #5
    anicky
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    i think you should be happy that he feels able to be so open with you, it is not an easy thing to admit and it obviosly shows that he cares that you know and understand him, and i hope he has the same desire to know and understand you.
    in many ways i think it is very healthy to fantasise about others (as a male i couldn't say what effect it has for a female) but in my experience non realistic unrealisable fantasies help a guy to not become too detached from the relationship he is in... i mean if a guy fantsises about the person he is involved with his fantasies can start to move away from the reality of the actual sex life he has with his partner. what realy counts is that when you are together you are TOGETHER. of course there are limits and it seems to me that you have made the first step towards the openness needed to establish where these limits are or aren't. good luck.

     
    Old 03-23-2007, 04:23 PM   #6
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    I agree that it is healthy and honest also. It's not like he's thinking of them when he's with you, and even then I would wonder what the harm is to some extent. They're just thoughts- they don't hurt anyone unless you decide you want to be hurt by them. Be happy that you are open with each other. A lot of couples can't even have a conversation like that.

     
    Old 03-23-2007, 04:53 PM   #7
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    I feel you should let this one go-

    I do understand how that makes you feel insecure, but like some of the other posters said: at least he can be open with you about it. Though, that doesn't take the sting away.. just know that even if you looked like-oh i dont know-brooke burke, that he would still fantasize about someone else. Because thats a fantasy and your a reality.

    It's normal, don't worry about.

    I even asked my bf if he ever fantasizes about anybody else and who, he lied, said "no one, only you" hahahha BS! I know i'm pretty, but i'm not that pretty LOL.

    Just be glad he's an honest guy!

     
    Old 03-23-2007, 06:42 PM   #8
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    Okay....

    My husband does it too.

    I guess for us(me & hubby) the topic never came up. I am sure if it did...He's probably going to say he fantasize about other women too.

    But.....really, it's only in his head. As long as he don't act on it...it's perfectly fine.

     
    Old 03-24-2007, 03:27 AM   #9
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    Romance novels are the number one selling genre of paper back books in the US. This is so only because women love fantasy. Sex and intimacy are required components of a romance novel because women in huge numbers love to fantasize about these things.

    I would bet that men take a back seat to women in the fantasizing department.

     
    Old 03-24-2007, 01:35 PM   #10
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    Ive noticed I only fantasize when Im single...And its all very lovey dovey fantasies. Any other ladies on the same wavelength as me?? I think guys are more into the sex. I told my boyfriend I once fantasized about another guy, only once during our 18month relationship and he got very hurt because he said it was different for women because we attach deep (or some kind of) emotion to our dreams....interesting?

    I always believed it when my boyfriend said "its only you i dream about" but ill ask him tonight lol for an honest answer....i dont think id be that insecure if his answer changed, because im pretty sure im the best he'll have, not in terms of looks or sex, but in terms of good, meaningful qualities - i love him with all my heart, care about him like no other woman would. and thats what counts. not sexual fantasizing.

     
    Old 03-24-2007, 10:17 PM   #11
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    When we first hear a comment like that from a loved one us females tend to think that our partner is only with us b/c he can't get the woman of his fantasy. In reality, men are likely doing it during masterbation when they don't have a sexual partner or their partner isn't available for sex, but i highly doubt they are doing it every day 24/7.

    Simply look at all those drop dead georgeous sexy models/actresses/singers etc. You would think their man would be happy to have someone who looks so hot, yet look at how many of them can't keep a man or their man is sleeping around with some other female who is nowhere near as gorgeous and sexy as the person he/she is cheating on. So it's not all in the exterior packaging, there is more to it than that when it comes to a meaningful and committed relationship.

    Even though it's difficult, the best thing is to let his comment rest as i feel he felt so comfortable that he could be honest with you about what he does when he is alone. A lot of guys tend to hide a lot of what they think, feel or want b/c they feel their partner would not understand or would give them one good slap and so they stop communicating what they think or feel. Now if he was talking non stop about his fantasies all the time and it sounded as though he was lost in his fantasies then that would be a problem as that would truly be disrespectful to you. If during sex he began calling you by another females name or if he constantly wanted you to be/play a certain character and that was the only way he could have an orgasm, or if he had some fantasy he wanted to turn into a reality which you were not comfortable with eg: multiple partners, then that could be cause for concern. Simply play it by ear for now and see how things progress with your relationship.

     
    Old 03-25-2007, 01:24 AM   #12
    hey_its_shar
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    Re: Guys and their fantasies

    hi,
    it doesn't sound like you have much to worry about as far as him fantasizing about other women goes. so, he watches porn and imagines himself being with that girl...its not like he is wishing he was and wishing you were her. that would be a completely different story and totally insulting. but because you are thousands of miles apart, maybe he feels "closer" to these women on the porn movies than he is to you, in a sense. sounds weird, i know, but its possible.

    and...i understand you two love each other, but you should both consider working something out, because this 2,000 mile difference is only going to wear on the relationship. couples need to experience intimacy, and i'm not talking about sex, but talking face to face, cuddling, holding hands, etc. you guys don't have any of that right now. one of you needs to make a move or this relationship will only get harder. hope everything works out.
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