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  • partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

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    Old 05-23-2007, 10:12 AM   #16
    BeaTrade
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    He sounds like he may be a moocher! I hope he's not just using you for a nice warm place to stay until things get better for him!(like your parents say!) What do you think he'd do if you just said, "well I am coming to bed with you half the time so if that's not good enough for you then I guess you will have to leave!" He shouldn't make you change and if you don't want to go to bed early and that's a huge issue for him then I suppose he should just leave! People always want to change people to be someone that they aren't? My goodness...people have to do a lot of things in relationships...what about the couples that one works days and the other works nights?
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    Last edited by BeaTrade; 05-23-2007 at 10:12 AM.

     
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    Old 05-23-2007, 10:15 AM   #17
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    the more you say, it makes me wonder if he has BPD, borderline personality disorder.....kinda reminds me of my ex-BF who had it. He's got you walking on eggshells in your own house......
    there is no need to compromise, you've already met him MORE than 1/2 way, and he doesn't appreciate it and he doesn't treat you with respect.....
    what more do you need?
    kick him to the curb..........next!

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 10:50 AM   #18
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by t_panic411 View Post
    Ithen as soon as I start to speak, he storms out shaking his arms over his head, flips my light off and slams the door, packs his clothes, tells me I'll be alone, puts his stuff in his car and 2 times even drove down the road and came right back! He called me *****, ****, liar (i'm a liar because i don't come to bed when he does and apparently once when about a month after he moved in I said that I said "I'm going to be getting up a little more early because I have to go with mom to some Dr apts"). YEA, that was like 3 times in a week, not the rest of my life and I never said it like it was. Can you say DISTORTED. Anyway, if I say that's not true! You're so rude! He'll say, "I know you are but what am I"? over and over like he is in 4th grade or something. He'll make stupid looking faces and say, "nahhhhh, nahhhhhhh" then shake his butt like a kid who is mocking his mother. It drives me nuts. The flapping arms and stomping in and running up into my face has been getting worse little by little.
    Oh dear, yes, this paints a much more detailed and much uglier picture. When you put all this into the mix, it's no wonder he can't keep a relationship going for more than a few months. I do agree, I think he needs some sort of anger management or therapy or something. And if he still refuses, I agree, kick his butt out. Life's too short to spend any of it with someone who behaves like this.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 11:23 AM   #19
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    T!!!! This guy sounds like a little *** brat!

    So, my bf and I just got in a major fight the other day. Almost broke up after 2 years over something so petty that got turned into so much because he has anger issues (mostly towards me due to past behavior and how i was insecure etc). Anyway, in this situation I knew he was being a big ***!! I put my foot down. At first he sounded as though he was ending it (without using the words) and I took it for what it was. I was upset. The next day at work I thought about it and realized, I dont want to be with someone who reacts that way and shows little respect when it comes to these situations. SO!!!! I called to see if he was packing his stuff, he wasnt, said he wasnt sure what to do and I put MY foot down. I told him to change his behavior and make a big effort to do so, or he can leave. It felt good because I knew I needed it.
    He apologized and said he is definately going to work.

    I think you need to put your foot down. Dont let him threaten to leave you and keep coming back. Tell him either change the behavior (temper tantrum, needing you in bed EVERY night etc) or he can leave and not come back. Tell him you dont want to live like that.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 11:25 AM   #20
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    I do go to bed with him 3 to 4 nights a week.

    I did try to work out something for us "both" instead of just his way or no way... He said he can't sleep unless I am in the bed too & it wakes him when I get into bed late. I said, ok, I will read on the laptop in bed while he sleeps... He said NO, the light will keep him up. He said I can lay in bed with him till he goes to sleep then sneak back up and then back into bed later... I said BUT you just said that it wakes you when I get into bed?????????? Then he said he can't fall asleep unless I am right next to him. So he is just making it up as he goes.

    Later after he cooled down (after packing his things, calling me names, etc), he tried the whole, I just miss you when I sleep thing.... Unreal.

    My mom caught him spying on me when I was talking on the phone once. He was standing in the hall outside of the door listening in while I talked to my sister. He KNEW I was on with my sister. I also looked into my recent files after he used my computer once and he had been snooping into my diary that I save on my computer and all the things I write, my credit card info (it's not the full info but the file says MY MASTER CARD INFO right on it so why would he open that!?

    He was into all my private stuff. I have never cheated on him, nor do I have any inclination to do so -uggg - one is enough as it is- so what gives? I am divorced and once a month my x will send me money and a short note. The note might say something like, "here is the alimony for (what ever date it is) and hope you are well, take care, bye.

    My bf had the nerve to say I don't like you talking to him! why does he have to speak to you!? uhhh.... it was a NOTE. Not a love letter. My bf went on to say, you're getting back with him! unreal again! My x husband is now married to the woman he cheated on me with and has a baby on the way. If my x-hubby was the last man on earth I'd probably jump from a building... My bf KNOWS this. Today he has called several times and his actions are nearly back to normal.

    The bad thing is he just opened up about some people he just did a job for screwing him over cause he didn't have them sign a contract! unreal again. So for $1500 worth of work he'll be getting $200 which is not even enough to cover the helpers pay that I hired for him. I got a lawyer to make up a nice long contract that covered everything you can imagine for people to sign so he wouldn't get messed over life he did under the old business name but for some reason he can't tell people (other than me) how it has to be and how it is.

    Would any of you work $1500 worth of work for only $200 and end up owing your helper another $200? heck no! So, it's like with strange or new people he has no spine even to be professional (which people coming to you for your expertise already know there are rules, contracts, costs, etc...

    So all that crap last night turned out to be him taking his bad day and lack of responsibility out on me. I had to call his helper and tell him he wont be working today because these people backed out of their part of the deal which is too much of a loss for us to go on. There is no contract so they don't have to pay us squat but then again... we don't have to do squat because of it too. Can you believe he was planning on just not calling them ever again, not showing up for day 2 of a job he already did 8 hours of free work for them the day before.

    They made him add things on (repairs to other areas not in the estimate) and left a message on my cell what other things they were adding on and we're talking some hard core construction here. Anyway, I am also going to have to call these people and work this out now because he just went to their house picked up his things and took off. joy!

    I'm sorry if this offends any of you but I am dating a baby! He needs a tit at night, he needs his butt wiped and his messes cleaned up. This is not my company and I am getting nothing for all this help. I fully did over his company image, got him liscensed (which he was not before) helped him fill out old taxes and work out installments where he didn't pay uncle sam for 2 years, I did all the advertising, etc...

    He has more work than he can handle right now and it's just been 2 months since I did this for him...
    If I sound like I am bragging here, I think I have earned a little bragging rights.. I did damn good and no one has thanked me (or paid me)!
    He will need more crews to cover more sites but I guess I will have to do that too along with letting him invade every inch of my life.

    There are some people here who don't agree with me. That's okay with me. People are different and have different ways. I wouldn't want to get up and 6 - 7 am, some of you might. I can't be the only person who hates mornings and I did work things out for myself so that I do not have to get up until I want to.

    What ever I can do at 8, 9AM, I can do at noon. I live in the south, there's no traffic, everything I need is less than 3 miles away. I'm not a spoiled brat nor am I rich... I'm probably poor to some of your standards but I am well of to my own standards. I'm comfortable and that's all I want. I don't aspire to be Bill Gates or anyone else.

    I like things relaxing, at my own pace because I'm not built for speed, stress and too much drama. I took on way more family needs than I could handle a while back and the stress nearly sent me into a total break down. I worked hard to make my life more easy and relaxed for myself and I'd like to keep it that way. There has got to be a man in this world who can appreciate me for me and not try and control me or mold me into their "ideal" or take advantage of my weaknesses such as fear of being along and getting ill. I guess we'll see how all of this turns out. I'm telling him tonight if he wants to continue to live here and be in a relationship with me, he has to go to anger management and possibly a seminar or 2 about running your own business... I'll settle for just anger management and progress in the way he handles things.

    Last edited by HBMod07; 07-12-2007 at 10:27 AM.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 11:30 AM   #21
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by BeaTrade View Post
    He sounds like he may be a moocher! I hope he's not just using you for a nice warm place to stay until things get better for him!(like your parents say!) What do you think he'd do if you just said, "well I am coming to bed with you half the time so if that's not good enough for you then I guess you will have to leave!" He shouldn't make you change and if you don't want to go to bed early and that's a huge issue for him then I suppose he should just leave! People always want to change people to be someone that they aren't? My goodness...people have to do a lot of things in relationships...what about the couples that one works days and the other works nights?
    LOL... maybe that's why the couple where one works days and the other nights are still a couple..

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 11:41 AM   #22
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    I've been with someone just like him! they feel entitiled to treat you this way - and yes in YOUR home!

    Please get out now, it WILL get worse!

    I'll rephrase that - please get HIM out now!

    Last edited by brook65; 05-23-2007 at 11:41 AM.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 11:50 AM   #23
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dsheldon3 View Post
    It sounds like to me that you have no interest in this guy whatsoever,that you are only with him because you feel sorry him.Nobody needs that.I think you should break up with him.
    I don't feel sorry for him at all.... If anything I am upset that he demands such odd things of me and flips out about it, giving me no room to work it out to where we are both happy. My mother didn't give birth to me to bring me into this world to make his life full and plenty and mine none.
    Anyway, him & I get along great except for these outbursts he goes through about once every 2 to 3 weeks. In between that, it's like a dream! We're totaly balanced in the amount of time we're together, apart, etc. I'm happy with it, he acts and says he's happy with it. We're not in a rut, we don't do the same boring stuff every day, I always spice things up and so does he. It's just that when he has these fits, it's HUGE, it's the end of the world to him and he's taking everyone with him.
    He threatens to leave every time to the point.... I'm scared to get too comfortable with him and fall fully inlove cause the way he acts and talks these times, he will be gone just like that. How can I ever feel settled in or that sense of belonging you get when you know you're with someone who WANTS to be with you.
    It's like he's 2 people. One that is realistic and one that is a teenage girl who's always gotten her way through temper tantrums (he's a 34 yr old man, by the way).

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 11:58 AM   #24
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    good for you, stick to your guns. Really, I strongly suggest you read up on BPD, borderline personality disorder. he has some of the characteristics. I'm pretty sure he will agree with you and tell you you're right, and he's sorry, and it won't be long before he's pulling the same stuff again.....it's up to you how long you want to tolerate it. As far as his business, you've done more than anyone else would have, and I'd tell him he's on his own.....don't make phone calls, don't run interference for him, don't pick up the pieces for him.....
    this guy is a total control freak and you don't need him.......what does he do for you? really, I'd like to know.....what does he do for you?
    you seem to do everything for him, but I don't know what he's offering for this relationship. Just playing the victim isn't enough.....

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 12:06 PM   #25
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by t_panic411 View Post
    (he's a 34 yr old man, by the way).
    A 34 year old "BOY"

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 12:16 PM   #26
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    You're right Rose. He has already many times agreed that his response to things when he flips out like that is not normal or okay and he is sorry, will never do it again and will work on how he handles things. Just when I get comfy thinking everything is fab, we're both happy, etc., wham! There is a problem and the end is near! The the process starts over... again and again.
    As for what he does for me... In the time he's his normal self (or the good guy i like to call it) which like I said lasts about 2 to 3 weeks every time. He is helping me around the house to install things, helped me plow a garden, changed the brakes on both of my cars, he treats me to dinner once every weekend and a pretty nice little date. He lifts all the heavy and hard stuff for me, always opens doors for me, cleans dishes, does laundry about once a week (not a good idea cause he puts whites in with reds, blacks, jeans and mixes it all then dries everything on high. lol) He helps looks after my dog too. He takes me to the park to play basketball once a week (i suck at it), he does all the manly guy stuff that women love and that is one of the BIG things it's hard for me to fully give it up. There has got to be an exorcist around here somewhere tht can help him! Or at least a shrink. Maybe I'll send him to mine.
    So when it's good - it reallllll good.But when its bad it's realllllllllllllllllllllllllll bad. I guess if it happened more often there is no way I could let it slide. I think you may be right though about BPD or possibly what is now called "Bipolar lite" which is mild bipolar symptoms. It's more probably since his mom & dad have it I read that puts him at about I believe it said a 75% chance.
    I'm not knocking him if he is bipolar... Everyone deserves to be happy. My brothers wife is bipolar and she has done some HORRIBLE things but only when she goes off her meds. They have been through more than I can probably handle in my life time. Ugggg... I just don't know what to do. Give up & run for the hills or stick around for the sweet perfect lovin inbetween these fits. I just hope he doesn't turn into a hitter!

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 12:20 PM   #27
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    good lord if you look at each of us we all prob have a few signs of BPD! and for most its called PMS. most men are babies in grown bodies anyway. i would take a tantrum every 2 to 3 weeks if he is perfect the rest of the time. and from the things you have said he must be perfect for you during those times anyway. and you for him. anger management is a good thing to look into. but is it really that? sounds just like a male pms kinda thing. maybe try meds or something like st johns wart to take the edge off. doubt he needs strong stuff but herbal may be good. like someone else said just put your foot down and tell him how it is gonna be. and if he doesn't like it he can lv. you've been down the bad relationship road before since you stated you are divorced. so you know what you can and can not put up with. communicate that to your bf.

    as for you helping him with his biz...thats what people do in relationships..they help each other. especially if its going to be a long term relationship. since you guys are trying for a baby it sounds long term. yeah he should thank you. and he should learn to take on stuff for himself. but since he doesn't know how..wouldn't you rather do it for him then let him fail..and be unemployed? you're doing a good thing by helping his biz grow. maybe one day you can reap the rewards for all your work....where would men be without us right!
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    Old 05-23-2007, 12:39 PM   #28
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    Good Lord....where did you say you were trying for a baby or did I miss something? As far as others....until you read up on BPD and understand it, making comments about how everyone has symptoms and comparing it to PMS will do everyone more harm than good.
    This will not change except to get worse. Please don't get in any deeper. Yes that's what people do, they help each other, etc, but this relationship walking a thin on on being abusive.....
    You have already given more than you're getting.....I've felt the same way you have at times, and you know what? I have male friends, and they've helped me lift heavy stuff....and if I need something fixed I can hire a handyman.....that's not enough reason to stay with someone who treats you like this

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 12:42 PM   #29
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    I have put my foot down. Every time it happens. He promises and a few weeks later, out the wondow it goes and suddenly he's a teenage girl about to miss prom. My last post only stated the good things which there are many of... But what good are those things if you're fearful of that person and unsure if they will be there from one day to the next. You can never have an issue of your own with a person like him or else it's all out war. I don't like to be threatened EVER much less every 2 or 3 weeks. It's like walking on eggshells. I think of the tone of my voice before I say some things to him, put it all in check and think hard before I say a lot of things that are not what he wants to hear. You may be fine with every 2 or 3 weeks. But a big part of me is not and the bigger and more violent his body language is getting towards me during these times the more fearful I get. All form of abuse take their toll on you. Small abuses take a little longer but these are like having running of the bulls in my house. It makes me jump and tremble at times.
    I'm left to think, oh he's going to hit me any second.... I slept with my cell under my pillow the last time he flipped out just in case I needed to call for help. I don't have to endure verbal abuse, or any other kind.. No one does. One thing I learned is that life IS like who you chose surround yourself with. If you have bad people around you life will be bad. If you have easy going people, life will be such too (as long as your job doesn't ruin that part for you no matter what you do) and again... that too can be adjusted to fit you. The change might suck but it's been worth it for me (the work part that is). I just don't want to endure this and end up more screw up in hte head than I already am down the road. It's been a LONG time since I have felt balanced & happy (which I worked on before my bf came into my life) I just figured having a partner would top things off. But the problem is finding a partner who is good to you all the time. (I know people have normal arguements and stuff but this is not acceptable or within normal range).
    Soooooo........ again. wow. I just don't know what to do.

     
    Old 05-23-2007, 12:54 PM   #30
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    Re: partner suddenly about to leave me over not going to bed at same time!????

    you don't need it, and especially if you say you Hope he doesn't turn into a hitter......that's in the back of your mind, you need to trust your gut. something like that wouldn't even cross your mind in a healthy relationship.

    I'd bet money that he's got borderline personality disorder.

     
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