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  • Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

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    Old 05-25-2007, 08:21 PM   #16
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Let her go. You need a woman more like Mom. Unfortunately I think you will find that somebody with that much control over emotions is going to be quite rare. I don't hesitate to say that MOST women will become emotional/angry when disrespected and criticised. I also think that being told that your unhappiness is 'indecent' would be pretty much a slap in the face. Maybe she did go over the top, but being lectured, blamed and criticised for most of the trip home can do that to a person. Without meaning any offence, I feel that you are so uncomfortable with any display of emotion that it would be a disaster for you and this woman to stay together. PS. It was a huge benefit to men in the past that they could get away with branding their women "unstable" and have them sedated if they were disobedient or inconveniently emotional.

     
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    Old 05-25-2007, 09:56 PM   #17
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    I don't think stability has anything to do with this. I feel she is immature. Just by looking at you carrying everything without free hands, there should have been a kind gesture on her part to help you out. Once, you became annoyed then she began the tears, once again immature. Although, I do want to say that if your gf is on the extremely shy side, since you spoke about her demeanor, than that would explain the tears. She was probably upset that you were so angry at her and didn't fight back because of her shyness. It doesn't seem that at any time did she try to fight back with you but turned the whole story about how she felt that she was not worthy of living. I would ask her why she made that comment, does she have low self esteem? or perhaps something else happened that day to make her feel bad and you were the icing on the cake.

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 11:39 PM   #18
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Oh wow, were you by any chance born in August?

     
    Old 05-25-2007, 11:49 PM   #19
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    I agree if you cannot handle a woman crying, you definately dont want to marry a woman who is very sensitive... did you ever think that she may have been crying because you hurt her feelings??? Why do you think it is emotional blackmail? Anyhow, marry a woman like your mother if that is what you feel comfortable with.... although I am pretty sure you might have a tough time finding one that is similar because most women are criers. My husband also gets PO when I cry and thinks that I do it to make him look like the bad guy... so I have just learned not to cry infront of him.... women who cry just really want consoling from their partner, not because they are secretly trying to make thier partner look like the bad guy or emotinally blackmailing them. You seem EXTREMELY insensitive... honestly, if you had such an issue about plastic bags then you really should have toughed it out and carried the jar yourself... if you are going to have someone else carry your stuff then your rules and regulations do not apply to them and they are free to do what they deem fit inorder to carry out the task at hand... so your girlfriend had every right to get herself a plastic bag to carry the stuff in since she was the one who was going to be carrying it!

    Last edited by soulster; 05-25-2007 at 11:50 PM.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 12:27 AM   #20
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    I figured I'd finally add my two cents in. I read all the posts and frankly was kinda ticked off. I can't believe all you women being against him. All he did was ask her to carry a frigging little jar of sauce. I mean the man had both hands full, he shouldn't have even had to asked, she should have had the decency to have asked if he need some help. I mean come on people, she cried over IT! She sounds like a teenager big time. She definitely has ALOT of growing up to do. I'm sorry your with someone that smashes her head off of a window and pulls her hair out because you were offended that she wouldn't do something as simple as carry a jar of sauce. She is way emotionally unstable and needs to be committed lol. If I was in his shoes and got no help I am POSITIVE I definitely would have a harsh tone too.

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    Old 05-26-2007, 12:40 AM   #21
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    I always refuse plastic bags when I can, because they're not biodegradable. I can't imagine why someone with both hands free would need a plastic bag to hold a small jar, to walk a couple blocks to the car. When she had such an attitude about it, it just ****** me off so i grabbed it from her so that she could walk unfettered. .

    If I may say, you have the right to feel any way you want to about plastic bags, but you really dont' have the right to insist that others do what you would do. I would say that if I were in your girlfriend's position, I would ask for a bag as well because they have handles and carrying a round slick glass bottle that can break and make a huge mess if dropped would be incredibly awkward. It wasn't unreasonable for her to want a bag to carry it in. I do feel it was, however, a bit unreasonable for you to refuse to "allow" her to have one. She was a bit immature in the way she handled it, though. I wouldn't have lagged behind and pouted. I would have simply told you if you insisted that it be carried alone instead of in a bag with handles, then you could be the one to carry it, and I would have went on my merry way.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    For someone to weep just because they don't appreciate my tone ...it's either indecent, or it's emotional blackmail.

    I am, or can be, a rather emotionally driven person, depending on how tired I am, I tend to be a bit more weepy when I'm exhausted and sleep deprived, and depending on what else is going on in my life. I didn't cry very much with my ex boyfriend, until the relationship started going south. It was from frustration and loving him and not wanting the relationship to end, but not being able to work things out. In any case, I can assure you it was neither indecent nor emotional blackmail. I only got weepy in public once, when my back was absolutely killing me, had been all weekend, and I told him this more than once, but when we got back from church and his roommate had blocked his car in, and he wanted to go do his grocery shopping i drove him and went in with him. My back was still killing me, so I was leaning on the shopping cart and sort of dragging my feet because I couldn't stand up straight and move my legs without pain, and he got annoyed and snapped at me "would you quit scraping your feet, it's annoying me!!" I teared up there in the store aisle, not to emotionally black mail him, but because what he said to me was incredibly disrespectful and rude and insensitive. Crying as a means to emotional blackmail is when you really don't feel hurt or sad, but you are trying to manipulate the other person into apologizing, or bending to your will in some way. This was not why I teared up in the grocery store, by any means. I teared up because I was tired and in physical pain, and what he said was rude, cruel, insensitive and disrespectful and it felt like someone had kicked me in the chest. I got a pain in my chest and upper stomach area, my face flushed out of humiliation and anger, and the tears just came, it was a purely biological response, not manipulation in any way. But he took much the same attitude you have, but he really didn't have the right to. He was rude, even a bit cruel, given the fact that I couldn have, and actually should have, left his butt at the grocery store and let him find his own way home. I did him a favor by driving him and I didn't want to just sit there in the car being bored while he shopped, and there was no good reason for him to be so mean.

    I suspect that perhaps some of your attitudes came from the way you were raised. You mentioned that your mother got in a huge argument with your father while she was recovering from cancer treatment. My ex boyfriend had a raging abuvise alcoholic for a father, and his mother endured a great deal of long suffering, but probably bore it all with nary a tear. I think men who can't deal with tears probably had cold, mean, verbally abusive fathers who treated their mothers in much the same way, and their mothers took it without crying, so they figure every woman should take rude, short, borderline abusive treatment without crying at all. But not every woman is build the same way. Some women would cry at what you said, some women would have just left you and never looked back, and I reckon some women would have cracked the bottle over your head. And perhaps some women would have just let it roll off their back like water to a duck. I think you need to find such a woman. You obviously have no patience for a woman who is sensitive and needs to be treated with a respectful, patient tone, and whose feelings are rather easily wounded. I do think your gf threw what definitely would qualify as a tantrum, and her behavior in the car was inappropriate, but "indecent" for being hurt at your insisting she carry the bottle the way YOU wanted her to instead of how she needed to? Mmmmm, that's kind of a stretch. You actually do kind of sound like my ex. Speaking to his woman in a rash, rude, sharp, disrespectful tone and just expecting her to take it without complaint or reaction. I'm guessing based on what you've told us, but I'm not sure that's such a realistic expectation. I do think you and your gf are ill suited for each other, but I also think that this can be a learning experience for you, that you simply cannot speak to people, any people, gf or no, any old way you please. Speaking to or dealing with someone in a rude, controlling, demeaning or disrespectful tone or manner will never garner positive results.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-26-2007 at 12:50 AM.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 01:04 AM   #22
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    You women..... lol we must be on totally different wave length. If my boyfriend needed a hand carrying stuff he would NEVER have to ask me nor would I NEVER throw a fit because I didn't get a plastic bag because apparently I am so uncapable of holding one item in my hands for maybe 15 feet. The lagging behind and dragging her feet and pouting is pure immature whining. He had EVERY right to give her a little attitude, I AM POSITIVE should would have no problem giving him attitude if the roles were switched. She definitely was throwing a tantrum in the car and that is dangerous to the both of them and on coming traffic. Could you imagine how awful it would have been if they got into a car accident??? I would have pulled the car over and said if you're going to act like a 5 year old maybe you need to call yourself a cab. I understand that sometimes when rubbed the wrong way it is easy to cry. I do cry sometimes when I am in pain and in public, but if it's a problem I go wait in the car lol.
    Have you talked to her about this situation and what her takes was on her fit??
    Who in their right mind would act like that???
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    Old 05-26-2007, 01:19 AM   #23
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Well, maybe its not really about what was said but how it was said... when he wanted her to carry the jar without a bag, was he all snippity and harsh/annoyed and demanding with her about it or did he ASK her nicely if she could carry the jar without the bag ... I am pretty sure if it had been the latter she would not have been sulking the way she did. And it probably just escalated from there where her feelings had been hurt and him feeling resentful about women who cry to express their emotional hurt...

    Last edited by soulster; 05-26-2007 at 01:49 AM.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 01:39 AM   #24
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by TANKG!RL View Post
    You women..... lol we must be on totally different wave length. If my boyfriend needed a hand carrying stuff he would NEVER have to ask me nor would I NEVER throw a fit because I didn't get a plastic bag because apparently I am so uncapable of holding one item in my hands for maybe 15 feet. The lagging behind and dragging her feet and pouting is pure immature whining. He had EVERY right to give her a little attitude, I AM POSITIVE should would have no problem giving him attitude if the roles were switched. She definitely was throwing a tantrum in the car and that is dangerous to the both of them and on coming traffic. Could you imagine how awful it would have been if they got into a car accident??? I would have pulled the car over and said if you're going to act like a 5 year old maybe you need to call yourself a cab. I understand that sometimes when rubbed the wrong way it is easy to cry. I do cry sometimes when I am in pain and in public, but if it's a problem I go wait in the car lol.
    Have you talked to her about this situation and what her takes was on her fit??
    Who in their right mind would act like that???

    There you go. The OP needs to be with a girl more like you, and his girlfriend, after she grows up and gets her head on a bit straighter, needs to be with a man who doesn't freak out at tears and doesn't mind a sensitive woman.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 05:32 AM   #25
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    I always refuse plastic bags when I can, because they're not biodegradable. I can't imagine why someone with both hands free would need a plastic bag to hold a small jar, to walk a couple blocks to the car. When she had such an attitude about it, it just ****** me off so i grabbed it from her so that she could walk unfettered.

    For someone to weep just because they don't appreciate my tone ...it's either indecent, or it's emotional blackmail.
    Thats the thing - YOU always refuse to use plastic bags! Your girlfriend is NOT you and is allowed to have her own thoughts, choices and opinions. I personally wouldn't feel happy about holding a jar with homemade sauce in it without a bag around it, not because I'm as woose, but if it was leak over my new white dress, well as you know tomato sauce stains.

    I don't think your girlfreind had any problem with helping you out, it was your attitude and treating her like a child that upset her.

    I feel that she is probably a girl who doesn't fight back, and bites her lip. When you reacted by snatching the jar with agression, I think that is when her built up emotion came out in the way it did.

    Crying as she did, is caused by being very hurt, not manipulation.

    You have obvioulsy been brought up by a mother who lacks empathy, and perhaps a controlling mother with that.

    You don't respect your girlfreind, so perhaps find someone who can stand up to you.

    Last edited by brook65; 05-26-2007 at 05:39 AM.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 06:58 AM   #26
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Nkfrisk, we women come in all types, just as you guys do. You've asked a really broad, open-ended question based on one single incident. You are getting -- and have gotten -- responses from all over the spectrum.

    Based on this one narrow incident, the way you've described your side of it, yes, she sounds very unstable to me. I'm not going to wonder about what color dress she might have been wearing or what her feelings are on the environment.

    You, however, need to wonder and think about those things, tho. Is she a "sensitive" person? I hate to use that term, because I like to think of myself as a very sensitive person, but I've never been one to cry -- unless we're talking about a death or quitting smoking. Anyway, is she one you feel you need to walk around on eggshells with -- outside of this incident, that is; one that needs constant affirmations from you? If so, you may want to let her go to find someone more in tune with her and find yourself a more confident woman, a woman who'd be more apt to dish out an equivilent "tone" to you and is just more compatible with you.

    I mean, it's just really hard to isolate one incident and give an opinion. Look what you've been getting so far, you know? Lots of hypotheses, IMO, and "what if's."

    If she's generally a tough chick, one who doesn't become overly emotional easily, then maybe you should give her a second chance and talk to her about what's bothering her. I'm saying if this one incident has you really scratching your head, going, "WTH? This isn't my girlfriend at all." Maybe something is bothering her she's been hesitant to tell you about (us tough chicks do that, since we never need anyone's help and can conquer all on our own )

    Best of luck to you.

    Last edited by StenoLady1; 05-26-2007 at 06:59 AM.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 08:25 AM   #27
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    This has been one of the more interesting threads. I don't have terribly strong feelings either way but I think this is a combination of the two of them. The OP reminds me of my brother-rational and very black and white, but by no means an emotional robot. The girlfriend seems sensitive and a bit immature. Sadly I can relate to her over the top behavior, as I may have pulled something like that ten years ago or so-but NOT NOW! I'm 30 btw.

    I hope you don't mind OP-I did a search on some of your old posts. I know, sometimes it squicks me out a bit when someone does that to me, but it gives you a good idea of what the OP is like. I see someone who really cares about his GF, but has a very different personality. I know guys who get annoyed at crying. I can see how you would view it as unnecessary, but some People can't really help it. Is this the girl who left her marriage while dating you? It may be that she feels like she gave up alot and went through alot and is afraid that if you are mad and leave, she did all of it for nothing. You also mentioned that you have left girls in the past for kind of petty reasons. I think you are at a crossroads right now. You are frustrated and kind of put off by your girlfriend's irrational behavior and are tired of the recent conflicts in your relationship. You are tempted to end it because it's all a bit much and you don't want to have constant drama.

    Is she younger than you? I have a friend who split with his wife because she was 5 years younger and he could not relate to her behavior, at all. I think I feel for both of you. You are frustrated and now you worry that if you break up she will freak out so badly she might do something stupid. She is feeling your irriatation and probably feels like you have been emotionally cold and distant and her freak-outs are to get some sort of SOMETHING out of you-to see if you care. So here it is. I typed all of this and cant even give you a solution!

    I guess you need to ask yourself: is this an isolated incident or have you seen this coming for a while? If the relationship isn't working, then it isn't. If you don't have the feelings for her anymore then you know what to do. Maybe she needs a guy who is more emotional, maybe you need a girl who can tone it down a notch. Do keep us posted. I'm interested to see how things progress.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 08:29 AM   #28
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by soulster View Post
    honestly, if you had such an issue about plastic bags then you really should have toughed it out and carried the jar yourself... if you are going to have someone else carry your stuff then your rules and regulations do not apply to them and they are free to do what they deem fit inorder to carry out the task at hand... so your girlfriend had every right to get herself a plastic bag to carry the stuff in since she was the one who was going to be carrying it!
    You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help.

    I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout.

    But I can't help how I am! According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.

    Last edited by nkfrisk; 05-26-2007 at 08:34 AM.

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 08:33 AM   #29
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    I seem to get into these arguments with my girlfriend over ridiculous things. We were having a nice lunch at a restaurant and I bought a jar of home-made pasta sauce on the way out. I was holding my computer bag, gym stuff and an umbrella so I asked if she could hold the jar for me, since she only had her handbag. She wanted to go back in the restaurant for a plastic bag, but I said we didn't need the bag just for 1 jar. She kept complaining and started lagging behind me in proteest as we walked a couple blocks. I got irritated, snatched the jar back and said that I'd hold everything myself since it was too much to ask of her. For the rest of the day, she had a sulking, antisocial attitude towards me.

    I was driving her home at night and said sarcastically that I really enjoyed the silent treatment all day. She said that my tone towards her was rude and I replied that her behavior was much ruder than my tone. She started crying, which she often does. I said that she should discuss what's on her mind instead of behaving this way. But she cried even harder (i would call it weeping) and I grew more irritated. I told her it was indecent to cry over a petty argument, as if some close relative had died. I don't know if crying is a tactic to seek comfort, but it just seems to spawn the opposite reaction in me. She was just so morose that finally I told her if she really thinks I treat her so poorly that she has to react this way, we should just end it now for her own sake. I don't want to be with someone who appears so unhappy with me.

    Next, she went completely hysterical. She was sobbing and I was very irritated and tried to ignore her. But then she started screaming, pulling her hair and pounding her head and said that she didn't want to live. I screamed back that I was driving and that she was going to cause an accident. Finally, I had to pull over to restrain her. She seemed to have completely lost it and was sobbing uncontrollably. I've never seen someone break down like that. We just sat there for half an hour until she was calmer. Then she became very tender, held my arm and said that she loved me. Eventually, I took her home, told her to get some rest and said we'd talk tomorrow.

    We've been together for a year, but now I'm starting to think that our personalities are mismatched. I just find sulking and gratuitous crying so unattractive in a woman and would like to be with someone who handles things more maturely. But now I really have to worrry about her emotional stability, given what happened last night. What should I do now?
    I agree with you.I think your personalities are mismatched also.Now comes the hard part.How do you breakup with someone that is suicidal?

     
    Old 05-26-2007, 10:41 AM   #30
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    Re: Huge argument--is my girlfriend unstable?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by nkfrisk View Post
    You're right, that's why I took the jar back and carried it myself along with all the other things I was holding. My rule of not wasting a plastic bag just to carry a little jar for a couple minutes was deemed too strict and tyrannical. I didn't deny her the right to get a plastic bag, I just decided that it was better to do without her help.

    I'm clearly a cold, unfeeling person to have taken my girlfriend to lunch, paid for the meal as I always do ... and then how heartless of me to get mildly annoyed that she wouldn't even carry a little jar of sauce without kicking up a fuss! (the sauce was to be used to make dinner, which she would share in the benefit of consuming). But my biggest sin was to grow annoyed after a day of silent-treatment and pouting. I should have given an outpouring of sympathy and apologized for being a stone-hearted lout.

    But I can't help how I am! According to someone's amazingly accurate conjecture, my mother had no empathy and my father was aggressive and abusive ...so now I think it's normal for men to treat women in such manner (and for women to accept it without protest). And so the cycle of abuse continues. If my girlfriend continues to be difficult, I will try to have her medicated and stabilized.
    you know, I dont think it really is anybodys fault here, you need something different from a woman than she is offering and vice versa.... I can probably venture to bet you probably were a little snippy, demanding and irritated with her for wanting to get a plastic bag... if you had asked her nicely, hon.. would you mind not using a plastic bag to carry the jar? I bet she would not have pouted and sulked the way she did and she would have carried the jar gladly... you treated her like a child so she in turn began acting like one... what did you expect?
    You need a woman who shares the same beliefs you do and who is not very sensitive and emotional and she needs someone who can tend to her hurt feelings and console her when she so feels. Most of the women who have posted here thought your gf might have been just feeling hurt and you might have been a bit unfeeling/ careless in your tone and attitude ... so you can either make the decision of learning from this experience and changing to accomadate such women or find a woman with whom you would not have to change your ways with. There are plenty of women out there that would suit and mesh well with your personaltiy type, I just dont think your gf is one of them.

    Last edited by soulster; 05-26-2007 at 11:10 AM.

     
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