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  • I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

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    Old 06-13-2007, 08:54 AM   #1
    EDC_Light
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    I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    Anyway, I feel pretty pathetic right now. It doesn't seem to take much to bring me down. I've always had struggle with my own self esteme, and many times, the people around me don't help. Case in point, the boss's teenage daughter came in to his office. The boss has a window in his door. As I walked by, I looked into his office and saw her. My desk is fairly close, but even though his door was closed, she didn't realize that I could hear her and she started making a fuss about me looking at her as if she was "some fish in an aquarium". I make people upset just by LOOKING at them!!

    Tonight, a girl I know who has been friendly to me a long time ago, barely gave me the time of day, but was all chummy with this other guy. He's good looking and all, . . . then there's me, someone who isn't a "normal looking guy". It's not like I was after either of the two girls mentioned. The boss's daughter is a teenager, the other girl is married (so is the other guy).

    I'm just so tired of being unacceptable to members of the oposite gender. I've already had major struggles being that I never had a serious girlfriend until I was in my mid 30's (my ex wife), now SHE changed her mind too. I SO much want to be "one of the attractive people" but that isn't going to happen and I feel like an idiot even having issues with it, but it's there, right in my face.

    I was even having a good night, but it seems like one thing [one week] compounds upon another thing [the next week]. People, even my main counselor, keep saying that "I'll find someone eventually." Heck, I can't even be openly welcomed by girls who aren't even actually available (even if I were looking), what would give me any indication that this will change in the future??

    I don't want to live out the rest of my life and be the crazy, weird, old single guy, but that is a very good possibility. And that future will be more than I can bare.

    I don't want to just be the nice friend guy. Nice guys really DO finish last. Damn it, I want to be desired, . . . maybe perhaps needed by someone. . . . to be devoured even!! I want to be someone who "rocks someone's world"! And not just for a short while, but for the long haul.

    And if I hear one more bit of "Christian advise" about how "God will be your spouse", I'm going to throw something . . . . . really hard . . . . at something maybe very breakable!!! Or whatever.

    I just want to find that seemingly elusive "true love". I've seen it before.

    Last edited by EDC_Light; 06-13-2007 at 08:57 AM.

     
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    Old 06-13-2007, 09:16 AM   #2
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    I understand your frustration. There was one night awhile ago where me and my cousin decided to go out to a bar. I got all dressed up, spent an hour on my hair and makeup. She comes straight from work (wearing jeans, sneakers), has her hair in a ponytail and no makeup on. Three guys hit on her in the span of 20 minutes. It's very frustrating and disheartening to me.

    I'm not going to spew any advice or lame cliches, but all I can say is that you're not alone in these feelings. Stuff like this happens to guys and girls all the time.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 09:39 AM   #3
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    The problem here isn't that you're undesirable.. its that you have no self-esteem. If you don't like yourself, why will other people like you? If you see no value in yourself, why will others? Harsh, I know.. but there is truth in it.

    Unless you were standing there staring in at your boss and his daughter.. i doubt she was commenting on you directly.. she was probably just commenting on the fact that there is a window there at all, which makes his office seem "on display."

    Instead of dwelling on the qualities you feel you lack, focus on what you do feel you have to offer. Remind yourself of the qualities you do have. If a woman can't see past the physical, then she's probably not a woman worth getting to know. I know there needs to be some level of physical attraction, but it shouldn't be a huge part of why people are together. If a woman doesn't take the time to give you a chance and get to know you, even if you aren't her ideal "type" then she's saving you the trouble of having to dump her later. I've dated guys that I didn't at first find attractive, but they were cute and sweet and kind.. so I gave him a chance. The physical attraction grew on me. He'd never be a model, but he had better things to offer than looking good.

    If going out to meet a woman in bars or social functions is too intimidating right now, start by going online. I know a lot of people look down unpon meet someone that way.. but it really is a good way to get to know someone without the pressure of talking in person. You just have to be careful, find a credible dating site.

    Women like a man who is confident. If you can work on your confidence/self-esteem I think you'd be surprised at the difference it can make. Even if woman aren't suddenly throwing themselves at you, you may find that you don't really care as much. Feel complete with yourself as an individual first.

    To build up your confidence start small.. even by socializing more just as friends, with everyone, not just women. Get involved with some sort of group or organization. I think the more you interact with people, the more comfortable you will become around them, which should help.

    Instead of jumping right to finding your one and only true love, start small by just making a new friend. Otherwise, that is a lot of pressure to put on yourself! Work on raising your self-esteem and I think things will start turning around...

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 09:40 AM   #4
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    If you are all that upset about your looks then do something about them. Its called Plastic Surgery. They can work miracles these days. And theres Laser hair removal. And skin rejuvnation for scars, acne and stuff. Endless possibilitys...

    What do you expect from a teenage girl? She didn't say you were a dog. She just doesn't want to be looked at. She could have said that about anyone. You were just the one she saw looking. As for the other situation. It happens to Mr GQ too I'm sure.

    At some point and time you are gonna have to put yourself out there with a positive attitude if you want to meet someone. I've known a few Mr GQ's that women wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole because of their negative attitude. And I've know a few tech geek/nerds that women were hot after because they had the right attitude. Its all in the way you present yourself to someone and even the general public. People can get past looks. They can be adjusted and changed.

    Case in point: My stbxinlaw's neighbors son is short, skinny, bad hygiene and talked with a major country accent. You never knew what he was going to say. No manners whatsoever. Dressed like a redneck bum. Always complained he couldn't get a woman. Anyway one day we decided to take him to get some modern clothes, a makeover and an attitude adjustment. There were some things we couldn't change without medical help. But I think the attitude adjustment alone did the trick. He was able to get out and meet a few dates. And then met "the one". Even after his makeover looks wise he wasn't a lot better. But his attitude change did more for him then anything.

    Enough rambling here. There are things you can do to better yourself. You just gotta get the determination to do it.
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    Old 06-13-2007, 10:11 AM   #5
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    I haven't the slightest idea what you look like...it may be that it's all in your head and don't take a whole lot of stock into what some teenager said to her dad!!!!! Teenagers?...don't even get me started on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My very first thought when I read the title of this thread and saw that you had posted it is...is he serious? Didn't HE JUST GET A DIVORCE????? Spend a little time to get over the divorce before you try to jump right into a new relationship. It's not going to kill you be alone a while! Back to your looks...ask your friends to tell you if you need to get some new clothes or your hair looks bad(when's the last time you saw the barber?) or you need to loose that 1980's mustache? HAHA!!!! Tell them to be honest and that you won't get POed at them!!!! Do you need to lose 100 lbs? I just don't know? But really I believe that you can look like you just stepped out of GQ but if you don't know how to talk to someone, then none of that matters.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 10:15 AM   #6
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    I think the way you present yourself plays a big part in attracting others to you. If you don't like yourself and show this clearly , then people will have a struggle liking you too.

    You have to become comfortable about yourself and more confident. This unfortuantely can be quite hard after going through a divorce, etc...Maybe in time, and gradually you might feel better about things?

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 11:42 AM   #7
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    ILYF, . . I stated in my post that it wasn't that I was interested in either of these two girls, I wasn't because one being a teen, and the other married. And I wasn't acting like I had a low self image last night, this girl just refused to be kind but was all talkative to this other guy. I know that I probably read too much into the two instances because I AM rather sensitive after the divorce .. . . . I made the first post last night soon after it happened. It's irrational I know. Shame on me.

    Yet another bad point about divorce.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 12:06 PM   #8
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
    I don't want to just be the nice friend guy. Nice guys really DO finish last. Damn it, I want to be desired, . . . maybe perhaps needed by someone. . . . to be devoured even!! I want to be someone who "rocks someone's world"! And not just for a short while, but for the long haul.
    EDC_Light, dude, I feel you. I find myself wondering where I went wrong with my ex and the answer is simply that I was too nice. She got bored because I was no challenge for her. When I first met her she told me I was a "nice guy". I was drunk and I immediately went off on one about how that's the worst thing any guy can hear a girl say to him because it obviously means that there's no attraction there. Well, somehow, this nice guy won that girl's heart. But it was doomed to failure from the start because I'm just a "nice guy" I don't have it in me to be bad though...
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    Old 06-13-2007, 12:13 PM   #9
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    My Ex husband was desperate to find someone after we divorced...he felt like noone would ever find him attractive...blah blah blah...whatever...so what did he do...ran out and married the first psycho he dated and now is already going to be getting a divorce again. Take it easy and do not rush into dating the first woman that is nice to you! Don't worry, I will never tell anyone to "pray about it" or whatever...I don't think there's anyone out there looking out for me but me!!!!!!!!!

    About the nice guy comment...I don't believe that there's a thing wrong with being a nice guy! That's what all women are looking for...well any sensible woman anyway! My husband is the nicest man in the world but he really was dumped on by the woman he lived with before me because he was way TOO nice! And didn't boot her sorry "ask" out on the street!

    Last edited by ILYF; 06-13-2007 at 01:01 PM.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 12:28 PM   #10
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    Yeah, I'm not after a relationship right now. I wouldn't mind becoming friends with girls, though, because it seems like I have more interests with them than with other guys, in the general sense. I'm not into sports, don't mind going shopping, . . .stuff like that. But I'm not a wussy guy either. I have an interest in firearms, and that's pretty darn manly!!

    Anyway, ErimusValidus and ILYF, it's not necessarily about being a "nice guy", . . but being a GOOD guy. A nice guy may let himself be walked all over. A good guy may just stand up for what is right without fear of the consequences. That's what I mean by not being a "nice guy" anymore. I'll still be a good guy and will treat people the way they should be treated because I care about people's happiness. I don't like to see someone in pain.

    Post-Divorce Rollercoaster Syndrome will probably see me up and down for a while. I'll be glad to eventually get off the rollercoaster and sit down for some food at the nearest shop.

    Last edited by EDC_Light; 06-13-2007 at 12:29 PM.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 03:06 PM   #11
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    Something I've learned through relationships I've had is that we don't want to be saddled with people who don't like us for whatever reason. Therefore, if you encounter ladies who don't like you, either because of how you look, your personality or anything else about you, then you definitely wouldn't have wanted to be with them anyway. It's no loss for you, it just means they are not the right person for you.

    I think it's a matter of changing your perspective on the situation. If you keep looking upon these as missed opportunities or something, then you will spend a lot of time being disappointed. But if you look upon these situations as - well gee, I now know that is not my type of person - then you will hopefully learn something about what type of person you are really looking for, for your next relationship.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 04:02 PM   #12
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    [QUOTE=jen52983;3042198]The problem here isn't that you're undesirable.. its that you have no self-esteem. If you don't like yourself, why will other people like you? If you see no value in yourself, why will others? Harsh, I know.. but there is truth in it.QUOTE]


    My self-esteem both personally and professionally was ruined by a lot of lousy people I met on my way. Until I met people who trusted in me and helped me, I wasn't able to get better.

    May be EDC should try with foreghn woman. Some risk is involved here, but they could be very appreciative of good person. In my ex-country there are much more women than men, men are normally not good looking, have alcohol problem and treat women like inferior.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 06:47 PM   #13
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    The old nice guy debate. IT really is just a pattend terminology...and women usually use it when they find a guy who is looking for the women's approval. That is basically what it means. Nice guys are no different then jerks....they want the same thing. They just try to go about different way of getting it. HIde their sexuality, act ifeminate and basically do whatever the females want. WOmen resent this...because it is not what males should do. Not to say your like this and I am sure that your situation had made you feel doubt about yourself. Just try not to worry about it soo much. Their is a million fish in the sea. I know it can be hard because are emotions dictate our actions. Good luck my man.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 06:16 AM   #14
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    Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    ". . . .there's a million fish in the sea."

    *Looking* . . . Hmmm, . . . sucker mouth, . . . large mouth bass, . . . . bottom feeder, . . . . Oh NO, SHARK!! Run away!!. . . . . . Let's see, . . electric eel. . . . .could be interesting, . . . . . sea horse. . . . could be a lot of fun. . . . . .hey, dolphin. They're pretty smart. . . . . Salmon. Tasty!

    Just the thought that came to my mind this morning when I read your post, Mcgunther.

    Last edited by EDC_Light; 06-14-2007 at 01:22 PM.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 12:03 PM   #15
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    Smile Re: I'm SO tired of being undesirable to the opposite gender!

    If you want people to like you for who you are, you have to first like yourself! It is 100% true and it holds way more weight than how attractive you are or are not! People can quickly pick up on the looks of an insecure person! Stop worrying over your looks and work on your approach! Of course, you want to be clean, neat, and presentable. Look the best you can look, and then move on to other (more important) things like personality, sense of humor, and the sort! People are attracted to confidence, a nice smile, and a sencere attitude! I once knew a really pretty girl in school who naturally attracted every guy at first! But, she was so stuck up and hateful, they quickly ran the other way! Looks is only skin deep and if you don't have some personality to offer someone, you won't hold anyones interest for long! There will always be better looking people out here...it's just a fact of life...but don't let something so superficial ruin your shot at happiness! Get out there and live and pretty soon, when you least expect it, you will meet that special person! Good luck and I hope this helps a bit!

    Last edited by mys_star; 06-14-2007 at 12:06 PM.

     
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