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    Old 06-24-2007, 01:51 AM   #76
    M1K3L
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Yes, Mike is fine. :-) This is actually the only site I still use M1K3L. I use a different name on all other websites and haven't got around to changing this one. Of course, I want to because I've been using the other name for a while now.

    Anyway... I went to visit Jessica at work tonight. She works in a department store so it was easy for us to talk. We ended up talking for an hour and half which was up till the time she got off. A few minutes later we started talking again online when we both got home. We talked for about 2 more hours. Of course I asked her if she would like to go out sometime and she said "Sure... how does the movies sound?"

    What's so strange is... She was VERY open to me and told me a lot of stuff about her that I never knew and that even her family doesn't know. I'm not really sure why she was so open but that was really great :-)

    I will admit... She's changed for sure over the years. She's a bit more outgoing then she used to be and is doing a lot of stuff like partying, etc.

    I'd like to see things work out. She hasn't had many relationships, but all the ones she had they lasted at least 2 years each and it usually ended because of the guy cheating, etc. She was saying tonight she's had guys ask her out but she said no because she doesn't want to get into dating again. She just wants to find one guy to settle with now. So that's a big plus. She's also in college to become a medical assistant.

    Anyway, I'm really excited to see where thing's go. I will admit it does feel a bit akeward because I kinda see her as a sister in a way because me and her brother were like brothers... we were really close. Of course, he's became such a bum now. He's 22 and owns a home and everything. He quit his job and lived off stock money for a while and then took a part time job and then decided to move back in with his parents and live off unemployment. Now he says he's happy because he has a roof over his head and has a computer and doesn't care about a job. WOW.. What a change.
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    Old 06-27-2007, 01:54 PM   #77
    xanadu2
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by M1K3L View Post
    I went to visit Jessica at work tonight. She works in a department store so it was easy for us to talk. We ended up talking for an hour and half which was up till the time she got off. Of course I asked her if she would like to go out sometime and she said "Sure... how does the movies sound?"

    Hi Lance,

    Thanks for the description of flaking out. Yes, Iíve met plenty of men like thatÖ

    Hi Mike,

    Thanks for letting me call you Mike. Letís hope Jessica gives you a good experience of dating. I do think that feeling, at the age of 22, that you will always be single is very different from reaching the same conclusion at the age of 63.

    I realise that now Iíve moved here, IĎm not making it easier for myself to find a partner. Before, when I was not too happy with my lifestyle, I was open to change because it might lead to something better. Now I love it here so much, I would like to share my life but not change it. So that rules out a lot of men.

    Iíve written something about pre-nups, or the absence of them, in a thread about the subject, but people donít read every thread, so here is it again.

    I have decided that I would like a relationship where we live apart but meet often, but Iím never getting married unless we can have a good pre-nuptial arrangement, and I donít know much about that. I remember people in the past who would have screeched at me for saying that! However, itís probably a hypothetical decision because no-one will ever ask me, but the reason is this.

    On the one hand the cost of houses in Britain has become horrendous. A recent feature of breakfast TV concerned key workers with a salary six times that of a pensioner, yet they couldnít afford an ordinary little house or flat that Iíd be glad to escape from.

    I live in a better-than-average house in a village surrounded by a designated Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, otherwise known as an Area with No Ordinary Buyers because of the upwards effect that AONB status has on property prices. My income bears no resemblance whatsoever to the value of this house, which has shot up in the few years since I bought it. That purchase was a one-off involving a legacy, and Iíll never be in such a position again.

    On the other hand, I learn, also from breakfast TV, that the divorce rate in Britain has risen from 33% to 40%. Apparently in the States it is 50%! Also a further 15% wish they had never married. My feeling is that the 15% stay stuck in bad marriages because of issues like access to children or having nowhere else to live. I also thought that one relationship in five involves violence against the woman, but no, apparently it has risen to one in four! Yet almost all these people imagined once that they would be happy for life!

    So if you are lucky you will be one of the minority who are happily married, living in a home you both love. If you are one of the unlucky 65%, you want to get out. And where are you going to live? For various reasons I neednít go into, my capital would diminish if I ever sold this house, so I could never afford another. And what are the chances that the divorce settlement would be big enough? If key workers canít afford a dismal little town house, but I enjoy living in an AONB, I would certainly have to marry a rich man!

    Probably he would not be rich, and divorce would involve me in selling my house to provide for him, or getting out of a jointly owned house without knowing where Iíd go. It was not easy for me to afford anywhere at all out here, and with less money I have no chance! Back to some dreary crime-ridden place such as the one I was so glad to escape from! Then it would be difficult not to feel bitter when I thought of the lovely home and way of life that Iíd lost.

    Living here is so important to me that there is no way I will ever jeopardise it! He, if I ever find him, can live nearby and weíll visit! (Except for that idea of discovering more about pre-nuptial contracts!) Now, as I said before, people Iíve met in the past would imagine that I would be tragically rejecting True Love, but I really donít think it will come to that!

     
    Old 06-29-2007, 02:28 PM   #78
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Hi Folks,

    I do hope people havenít given up on this thread because I was benefiting a lot, and I thought other people were as well. However Iím going to be away for about a week. No going online while Iím away!

     
    Old 06-29-2007, 11:59 PM   #79
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Hey Xanadu - no, not given up, just afraid nothing really new or interesting to contribute, well, until this afternoon, I'm sorry to say. My older female co-worker, who I suppose means well, is at it again. we were talking about favorite Bible passages and such, and she made a point of saying that she liked the book of Ruth and how this woman told Ruth that this guy had his eye on her and why doesn't she go llie with him, so she "goes and takes care of business" as she put it, and everyone lived happiily ever after. I could have been reading way too much into it, but I felt that was yet another jab at how childish and silly I'm being for not jumping on the male co-worker who expressed interest in getting down my pants, even though he annoys me terribly and didn't respect me at all as a person, and the others who work with him refer to him as "the narcissist." And she actually used the word childish to describe me for being sad and lonely when he's all hot for me. It just gets really frustrating for me. That attitude of "well, you're not young and pretty anymore, you're not getting younger and you can't afford to be too picky" so if I don't go to bed with whomever expresses an interest in the desperate hope it will lead to marriage so I don't have to be an old maid, then I'm being stupid, stubborn, childish, blind, too picky, etc. etc. etc. Well, you're choosing ot be single because this creep who you nothing in common with, who you can't stand and who doesn't respect or honor you wants to get down your pants and you said no!! *sigh*

    I guess I just had to vent a bit about that. I just get so tired of that attitude. Of course I don't want to be sad, of course I hate crying myself to sleep every night, but spending miserable evenings being annoyed and frustrated by some jerk who is all wrong for me isn't going to make me feel any less lonely or sad, so I just don't understand what they think the point is supposed to be. Ijust can't talk to her about my personal life anymore. Just sad.

    Anyway, have a good trip wherever you're going,Xanadu. Take care, and we look forward to your safe return!!

     
    Old 07-03-2007, 09:14 AM   #80
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post


    And she actually used the word childish to describe me for being sad and lonely when he's all hot for me. It just gets really frustrating for me.

    Of course I hate crying myself to sleep every night, but spending miserable evenings being annoyed and frustrated by some jerk who is all wrong for me isn't going to make me feel any less lonely or sad, so I just don't understand !

    Hi Larrylou'smom,

    I'm officially Not Here, but sneaked a peek on another computer!

    "Childish" is just a manipulative word designed to get you to do what someone else wants! "Children" dream of love and company, but "adults" grab who they can get, whether they like him or not! Oh ,yeah!

    That stupid female needs a sound telling-off! If anyone is childish, it's her, trying to disorganise other people's lives!

    I'm sorry you are crying yourself to sleep every night!

     
    Old 07-03-2007, 10:06 AM   #81
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by xanadu2 View Post
    Hi Larrylou'smom,

    I'm officially Not Here, but sneaked a peek on another computer!

    "Childish" is just a manipulative word designed to get you to do what someone else wants! "Children" dream of love and company, but "adults" grab who they can get, whether they like him or not! Oh ,yeah!

    That stupid female needs a sound telling-off! If anyone is childish, it's her, trying to disorganise other people's lives!

    I'm sorry you are crying yourself to sleep every night!
    Hey Xanadu!! Glad you could peek your head in and say hey! Hope you're enjoying yourself and having a lovely time. You'll have to tell us all about it when you come back.

    Yes, she's a real "motherly" type, always offering unsolicited advice, etc. I suppose she does mean well, everyone does, it's just that I think everyone has to come about finding love or come to grips with not finding love in their own way. My brother's girlfriend pulled the same thing on me. Our friend set me up with some guy she knew, and the instant we met, it was instant, chemical, automatic, mutual repulsion. I could feel it was the same for him as well, the instant he laid eyes on me, yet she was "well, you have to be positive!! Say something positive, find something positive!" even though he was nothing positive to say, if I had my pick of 100 men, he would be the very last one I would pick, even that "x" factor, that strange chemical, biological attraction or repulsion that you can't explain why you do or don't like someone, it was just bam!! Ewwwwww nope!! Ewwwwwww!!!! And yet, I'm picky, childish, etc because I can't say anything positive. I just have to remember to consider the source. She's the type who can be with just about anyone, she's social butterfly and flits around with anyone. I'm just not. I can't force myself to be attracted to just anyone. Maybe I am being too picky, but I think love is supposed to be something more than just "ok, you make a decent living, have all your own teeth, I'm pretty sure you won't beat me, so yeah, let's get married, yawn, ho-hum." I think the reason why 55% of marriages fail in this country is because too many people go into it with that mentality, and then they wonder why, five years down the road, they just no longer want to have sex. Hmmmmm.....don't know why, I just don't want to sleep with my husband anymore. D'uh!!! I know what love feels like. I loved somebody very much once, even though he didn't love me back, but I know what that is, and having experienced it once, there's just no way I could ever be with someone I didn't feel at least that much for. I'm not looking for the guy who's well, I guess good enough. I'm looking for the one that will make me glad it didn't work out with my ex. I just couldn't be happy with anything less. If I'm going to be sad and miserable, I just think it makes more sense to be sad and miserable alone than be sad and miserable with someone you really don't want and can't get excited about and mess up his life and the lives of any kids you may have as well.

    LOL! Anyway, take care, have a great time, see you when you officially come back!!

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 07-03-2007 at 10:11 AM.

     
    Old 07-09-2007, 02:40 PM   #82
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post

    Hey Xanadu!! Glad you could peek your head in and say hey! Hope you're enjoying yourself and having a lovely time. You'll have to tell us all about it when you come back.
    Yes, I went to the soggy flooded Royal Show to report on the heavy horses and sneaked a peek on one of the computers in the press room while it was pouring with rain.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    LOL! Anyway, take care, have a great time, see you when you officially come back!!
    Thanks! I've got webbed feet now!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post

    I think love is supposed to be something more than just "ok, you make a decent living, have all your own teeth, I'm pretty sure you won't beat me, so yeah, let's get married, yawn, ho-hum." I think the reason why 55% of marriages fail in this country is because too many people go into it with that mentality, and then they wonder why, five years down the road, they just no longer want to have sex. Hmmmmm.....don't know why, I just don't want to sleep with my husband anymore. D'uh!!! I know what love feels like. I loved somebody very much once, even though he didn't love me back, but I know what that is, and having experienced it once, there's just no way I could ever be with someone I didn't feel at least that much for. I'm not looking for the guy who's well, I guess good enough. I'm looking for the one that will make me glad it didn't work out with my ex. I just couldn't be happy with anything less.
    Hi Larrylouísmom, I feel a l-o-n-g post coming on!

    I hear what you are saying, but all thoughts of marrying for love left me a very long time ago. I would settle for good companionship with someone kind who really enjoys the same kind of life as me.

    However, this is what itís like. Trying to assess myself impartially (which is difficult, of course) this is what I see.

    Here I am at the age of 63, actually 64 in a couple of daysí time. I donít think I look my age, still having an unwrinkled face and naturally dark hair. Iím a bit overweight because trying to diet never seems to achieve results, but Iím not gross, and many women who are very much heavier than me have good relationships. I view high heels as instruments of torture, and also dislike tights and short skirts. Make-up never makes me look much different, so I havenít worn any for years. I really feel that, if I have to dress up in things I hate, that any man who might look twice at me is only concerned with an artificial image, and isnít really interested in the real me at all. Also I can really stand up for myself if Iím provoked, but this happens so seldom that few people ever see this side of my personality.

    Those are all the negatives I can think of. I have three wardrobes and two chests of drawers bulging full of lovely clothes that I really enjoy wearing, and I enjoy meeting people, so have no difficulty chatting to strangers. The shyness of my youth vanished many years ago. Iím polite and I try to treat other people as I like to be treated myself. Iíve got a sense of humour and I can make people laugh. I also watch the expressions on their faces so I can avoid boring them, and time and again I see the eyes of both men and women light up with interest when they are talking to me. It seems to me I am always out and about meeting interesting people.

    Yet how many men have even wanted one single date with me? Eight years ago I went to the Royal Show and started talking over coffee to a man who asked me how I proposed to spend the morning. ĎWatching the judging of the heavy horses,í I replied, and it was the right answer, because heíd been writing about heavy horses for many years.

    So began the only long-term relationship Iíve ever known. I thought that wanting to be swept off my feet was too much to ask, so I was not really concerned that I hadnít fallen in love with him. Yet he seemed a very reasonable person who encouraged me in all my interests, and little by little he grew on me. Now I think of him as He of Two Girlfriends.

    So who else has shown an interest in me during these eight years? Some men may have seen me as Eís girlfriend and not liked to trespass, but I attended events independently often enough for E to cultivate his other relationship for some years before I found out. So where were the other men, even when I knew I better start looking again?

    Think back to a time before I met E at the age of 56. Who was there? Itís true I was unlikely to attract anyone while I was traumatised. That lasted six years, so what about the remaining 34 years or so of adult life? The man who cured me of trauma was married, and we never met in the flesh, so what happened before then? There was a time when Iíd said: ĎNever again! I donít want to get hurt!í That stage lasted maybe four years. So there is still a period of thirty years to account for.

    Think back, think back, think back to when I was 33. I was in love for a whole five months, and a second man was kind to me while I was heartbroken and needed company. The first man had decided I should be ready-adjusted to cooking and cleaning, because it never occurred to him that if you live that way after the age when most people marry, instead of focusing on interests and outings, that you are making yourself lonely and miserable. The second man simply didnít have enough in common with me for a long-term relationship to work, but I managed to hide the incompatibility until I moved away from that area.

    Was I ever in love with anyone else? Iíve unfortunately suffered from one-sided infatuations four times in my life. So think back. Before the Man Of Five Months, there were all the encounters arranged through the friendship bureau, when I was interviewed for the position of girlfriend, but invariably found to have idiosyncrasies, which was apparently a Very Serious Shortcoming! No romance or enjoyable dates there! In the early stages there was one man who really appealed to me, but he apparently had other ideas, which really upset me.

    Think back again to the age of 30 or so. I dated a couple of control freaks because Society had programmed me to be One Half of a Couple, and I didnít know how else to get a relationship off the ground. Mistake! They nagged me so much that I actively disliked them!

    Think back again. A few unpromising dates when I was about 25. Think back further. When I was 24 I had a boyfriend for a week on holiday. Think back further. In my early 20s I actually knew very few men. Back to my student days. One man asked me out, but I was not attracted to him. Before that? Nothing...

    This isnít supposed to happen, is it? I am, on the face of it, doing everything right, yet my history gives me no reason to expect that I will ever have another relationship. Iím not saying that itís impossible, only that Iím not building up any hopes.

    Yet what am I doing to keep all the men Iíve met at armís length? I described my appearance earlier. As for personality, certainly I donít appeal to the man who wants a ready-domesticated cook and housekeeper. I get very intense and enthusiastic about my interests; quite a number of which I acquired because the few men Iíve met introduced me to them. Maybe Iím too overpowering for some men. But what about men who want a woman who enjoys sharing their hobbies?

    I donít think Iíve got much of a sex drive, but then itís hard to make a comparison when you donít know what other peopleís sex drives feel like, but suspect that many people exaggerate. My talent is for making friends, so maybe I give out an aura of only wanting friendship, even when itís not what Iím thinking at all.

    Having just returned from my 22nd consecutive Royal Show, where I just once managed to meet a boyfriend, I remember the woman who quizzed me about my success at the show many years ago.

    ĎDid you meet a man?
    ĎNo.í
    ĎWhat? I wouldnít have it! I would definitely have met a boyfriend!í

    But *what* exactly would she have done? Or was she only boasting?

    I realised many years ago that no-one has everything, so it is no good hankering after someone elseís kind of good fortune. If you could change, you would have to take on all their problems as well, and maybe I find my own problems easier to live with! Certainly I think that many different factors are involved in happiness, so itís better to have a good overall balance rather than one particular thing.

    Society plays a damning role in creating unhappiness for anyone who doesnít conform to the social ideal of good marriage plus 2.4 kids. ĎYouíll be sorry later, etc!í I think it is just as stupid to assume all single people must be lonely and frustrated as it is to assume that all married people are happy. Without all this ridiculous pressure to jump into your one-in-four chance of being beaten up by the person who is supposed to love you, many single people would have very much happier lives!

    So I had to find my own way to happiness. I can liken it to other things Iíve done in my life.

    As a nervous beginner rider, I clung to the horseís mane at canter for a whole year, being ridiculed as Ďhopelessí, yet in time I bought a fiery thoroughbred and trained her to do dressage. As a would-be mountain walker, I was told I was a dangerous liability on any kind of hill walk, so should remain in the valleys, yet I progressed to trek over high altitude passes in the Himalayas. Both these challenges, tough as they sound, were infinitely simpler than the apparently impossible task of finding a good permanent relationship, or even getting enough dates to raise my hopes, for the probable reason that I saw what I had to do to succeed and could map out my path ahead. In the case of relationships I have absolutely no idea, which could make all the difference, because when I drove myself frantic to find a boyfriend in the past, I achieved absolutely nothing!

    I mention these examples because they do show how the same determined spirit can overcome all the negatives attached to the single state to have a happy life regardless. So I continue to get on with life, without bothering about relationships. Just as some people canít imagine what it must be like to be alone, so I canít imagine what it must be like to live indefinitely with a partner. Maybe I wouldnít enjoy it after all!

    Whew! I do write some long posts, donít I?

     
    Old 07-09-2007, 03:33 PM   #83
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    LOL! Well, I guess you have a lot to say about being single!!

    Maybe when I'm 20 years older, I'll be able to have the same attitude you do about being single. But it's just not as easy for me right now. It seems very very cruel, but unfortunately, the good Lord cursed me with a very high sex drive. That was actually a good natured complaint from the only man I ever had a relationship with. He'd always say "my, you're a horny little thing, aren't you??" And that lasted only two years, and ended 10 1/2 years ago, so I live a very unhappy, frustrated life. Oh, not just because of the sex drive thing, but just to feel arms hold me, to just sit next to someone and talk while we watch the sunset. I've accomplished a lot of things as a single person on my own, but there's just never been anything that i have ever found or made or created myself as a single person that was even a fraction as wonderful or as fulfilling as that, not even a distant second. Being held in the arms of the man I loved who I thought loved me, was a heaven like no other I've ever experienced before or since. Living without it has been a contant state of painful withdrawal that has gotten downright exhausting and draining beyond belief.

    I myself came to the conclusion earlier today, while I was driving home for lunch and thinking about this board and stuff, that after seeing or meeting or talking to or having my picture and profile viewed by over 1300 men and not so much as even one second date, my life is not about happiness. It's about pain management. It's kind of sad, I guess, but I think that's the best I will ever be able to do, at least for now. Maybe after I reach menopause and lose my sex drive and have finished grieving the babies I will never get to rock in my arms, then I can aspire to your attitude. But if I'm not going to be one of the precious chosen few who actually gets to find a soul mate, someone I can actually love, pain management will be the next best thing. I'm not into casual sex or casual relationships. Out of necessity, I've become so accustomed to my own company that as much as being alone sucks, I'd rather be alone that be around someone I don't really deeply care for and who doesn't deeply care for me.

    Well, I think I've lost track of the point I was trying to make by now, maybe something about how dating today has gotten so, disheartening. I don't know how it is where you are, but here, I ean, I even see this attitude on this board so many times, that people today think that we have no responsibility to each other. That we can cr*p on each other all we want, and it's the other person's job to "just get over it" and if they don't, it's not us that has to apologize and make amends, it's them who have to toughen up, get some character and get over it and "move on." No matter how I try I can't grasp that attitude. That just makes no sense to me. You inflict a wrong, when you are made aware of it, you mend it, that's what makes sense to me, but the world doesn't work that way, so it's probably best to keep tomyself and not even try to find love. I think if God had intended it for me, I would have found it by now anyway. But I am making my way. I feel weaker in some ways, but I feel stronger in other ways. I know my own reality, and my own mind, for example, to be able to tell anyone who tries to tell me "there are plenty of good men out there, you're too picky, you can find love if you really want to" to get stuffed! I know what's real for me and I dont' let anyone who hasn't lived it try to tell me some nonsense.

    Well, more to come, I'm sure, but for now, I know what you say makes sense for you, and i think it's great. I hope one day it can make more sense to me too. Glad you had a good, if wet, time!

     
    Old 07-09-2007, 03:49 PM   #84
    xanadu2
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Larrylou'smom wrote
    >>>
    I even see this attitude on this board so many times, that people today think that we have no responsibility to each other. That we can cr*p on each other all we want, and it's the other person's job to "just get over it" and if they don't, it's not us that has to apologize and make amends, it's them who have to toughen up, get some character and get over it and "move on."

    <<<

    I have no time at all for that stuff! Reminds me of my **** sister-in-law! I would give them a really good piece of my mind and they would see a side of Xanadu that certainly doesn't endear her to other people! (unless they feel the same way that we do, and approve!) But I can do all this with dignity and without bad language.

    >>>
    No matter how I try I can't grasp that attitude. That just makes no sense to me. You inflict a wrong, when you are made aware of it, you mend it, that's what makes sense to me, but the world doesn't work that way, so it's probably best to keep tomyself and not even try to find love.

    <<<

    It doesn't make sense to me either! I'm aware of the way in which He of Two Girlfriends tries to kid himself he hasn't hurt me because he doesn't choose to acknowledge my feelings, but he's lit the fuse of a time-bomb, because no-one as paranoid as he is can afford to upset other people who may react by confiding in mutual friends... One of these days he'll know what people have learnt about him through me, and I did it all without malice!

    I belive firmly that you have to treat people decently, and only when they treat you badly do you contemplate doing whatever is necessary to avoid being a doormat. It's a different concept altogether, because it means that in almost all cases you can do your best to be 100% nice!

    More later. It's late, and I was going to bed early!

     
    Old 07-10-2007, 03:10 AM   #85
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Hi Larrylou’smom,

    I’m typing off-line, hence I can’t do the quotes properly. Sorry about that.

    >>>
    Glad you had a good, if wet, time!
    <<<

    Thank you very much! It’s just a pity that the irrational conduct of He of Two Girlfriends was playing on my mind! Now I’ve decided exactly what I’m going to do, it’s not so bad. The B****** must think I’m a doormat, and he has to be enlightened on that point!

    I told you what I think about people who hand out doormat treatment last night.

    You said:
    >>>
    It seems very very cruel, but unfortunately, the good Lord cursed me with a very high sex drive. That was actually a good natured complaint from the only man I ever had a relationship with. He'd always say "my, you're a horny little thing, aren't you??" And that lasted only two years, and ended 10 1/2 years ago, so I live a very unhappy, frustrated life. Oh, not just because of the sex drive thing, but just to feel arms hold me, to just sit next to someone and talk while we watch the sunset. I've accomplished a lot of things as a single person on my own, but there's just never been anything that i have ever found or made or created myself as a single person that was even a fraction as wonderful or as fulfilling as that, not even a distant second. Being held in the arms of the man I loved who I thought loved me, was a heaven like no other I've ever experienced before or since. Living without it has been a constant state of painful withdrawal that has gotten downright exhausting and draining beyond belief.
    <<<

    Oh, dear, I do feel for you, but apart from this, what can I say? You suffer the same basic problems as me, but with two extra factors. One is the high sex drive that means nothing else can equal love, and the other is the dreadful meddling attitude of your acquaintances, so you are always being nagged because you can’t achieve your dreams. Apart from giving these interfering ***** a roasting, I don’t know what else to do.

    It’s so easy to say something along the lines of: ‘Now try to see it my way,’ but that is patronising, so it won’t work. A lot of people’s lives would be much easier if people could refrain from patronising them by handing out ready-made solutions, and encourage them to think through problems in their own way. So I just hope that one day it will work for you, if you don’t find the man you would love to meet. Ten years seems a very long time to be broken-hearted and into pain management. I’ve always recovered in a year or two. This actually was what sent me off on my first trip to the Himalayas. Then I was thinking: ‘This is wonderful and if I’d got married I wouldn’t be here!’ I was actually glad I hadn’t married that particular unadventurous man!

    Some time I’m going to repost my long thread of yesterday under a heading like: ‘Please! Suggestions needed!’ to see if anyone else will come in and suggest to me what on earth I am doing to keep adventurous men at arm’s length.

    I guess I do have a lower sex drive than a lot of people. I can only wonder if men are subconsciously aware of this, especially as I do the friendship thing so much more easily than the ready-for-a-relationship thing.

     
    Old 07-10-2007, 07:54 AM   #86
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Well, if you do I hope you do get some good suggestions, but it doesn't really sound to me like you're doing anything "wrong" to keep adventurous men away. I think sometimes it's just the luck of the draw. I know that seems like a passive, unsupportive thing to say, but from your posts, I can't really see that you're doing anything really wrong. But I hope you can find some answers from others wiser in that area than I!

    My friends tell me it's the way I dress. We went out to a club on New Year's Eve and I wore a sweater because it was freezing outside and they chastised me for not wearing something thin and cleavage-revealing. I said "well, it's cold outside!" And they said "it doesn't matter!!" So they went shopping and bought me these colorful, revealing tops, which I actually wore on a couple of dates, but it didn't seem to make me any more attractive to the men than if I had been wearing a bulky sweater. ??? I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is either!!

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 07-10-2007 at 07:57 AM.

     
    Old 07-10-2007, 03:20 PM   #87
    xanadu2
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post


    My friends tell me it's the way I dress. We went out to a club on New Year's Eve and I wore a sweater because it was freezing outside and they chastised me for not wearing something thin and cleavage-revealing. I said "well, it's cold outside!" And they said "it doesn't matter!!" So they went shopping and bought me these colorful, revealing tops, which I actually wore on a couple of dates, but it didn't seem to make me any more attractive to the men than if I had been wearing a bulky sweater. ???

    Well, you know what I think about freezing thin clothes! If men don't realise you want to keep warm in cold weather, but expect you to be miserable just to humour them, are they really worth bothering with?

    More tomorrow. I'm not at my brightest and best at this time of night.

     
    Old 07-11-2007, 09:34 AM   #88
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by xanadu2 View Post
    Well, you know what I think about freezing thin clothes! If men don't realise you want to keep warm in cold weather, but expect you to be miserable just to humour them, are they really worth bothering with?

    More tomorrow. I'm not at my brightest and best at this time of night.
    Well, I do agree with you, I like to be comfortable, and if it's cold outside, I get cranky if what I'm wearing doesn't keep me warm enough. But alas, the flipside has merit as well. I mean, in order for a man to come over and talk to you and get to know you and see that you're more than just looks and you have subsance, etc. he has to come over to you first, right? And he's not as likely to do that if you're wearing a dark colored bulky sweater as he would be if you're wearing a gold, silver or brightly colored spaghetti strap top that shows your shoulders and cleavage. Men are visual creatures, and they're not going to bother with you, no matter how wonderful a person you are, if they don't like what they see up front. That's a lesson I learned the hard way, I think. I wish it weren't so, but I think it really is. I've been working on sprucing up my wardrobe a bit, wearing more colorful, flattering clothes and losing weight. I've been working really hard on it for about three weeks now, only lost 3 whopping pounds, depressing that at 42, the weight doesn't drop off like it did even two years ago (I lost 10 pounds in a week and a half two years ago with just a little effort). All we can do is put our very best foot forward, be bright, happy and positive and see what we get. Who knows??

     
    Old 07-11-2007, 02:43 PM   #89
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    I mean, in order for a man to come over and talk to you and get to know you and see that you're more than just looks and you have subsance, etc. he has to come over to you first, right? And he's not as likely to do that if you're wearing a dark colored bulky sweater as he would be if you're wearing a gold, silver or brightly colored spaghetti strap top that shows your shoulders and cleavage. Men are visual creatures, and they're not going to bother with you, no matter how wonderful a person you are, if they don't like what they see up front. That's a lesson I learned the hard way, I think. I wish it weren't so, but I think it really is. I've been working on sprucing up my wardrobe a bit, wearing more colorful, flattering clothes and losing weight. I've been working really hard on it for about three weeks now, only lost 3 whopping pounds, depressing that at 42, the weight doesn't drop off like it did even two years ago (I lost 10 pounds in a week and a half two years ago with just a little effort).

    Oh, so thatís what Iíve been doing! Not wearing revealing things I donít like! Who wants revealing things when the transport is a motorbike? Mind you, what about the girls in leathers Iíve seen climbing off the pillion of the boyfriendís (or maybe jointly-owned) bike?

    Wearing revealing things may be right for dressing up for pubs and nightspots, but thatís not my idea of a day, or a night, out. Maybe my problem is that I donít like loud noise (sorryÖ. music!) Why donít I meet anyone who enjoys my outdoor pursuits? In some of them the standard clothing for both sexes is camouflage green, to avoid being spotted by the wildlife you are trying to see! I would really be much happier meeting someone like this than dressing up to go to some noisy place for a so-called evening out!

    Just remembered something. As a college student I used to go to the college dances. I remember hobbling along in high heels, trying to look as though I was enjoying myself, and two male bystanders commented on the unhappy expression on my face! I thought I had to go to these things and try to fake enjoyment. For years Iíve only been to places if I feel Iím going to enjoy myself anyway.

    Not that Iíd look right wearing revealing things at the age of 64 (tomorrow!) If you canít lose weight at 42, wait until you are 62 and see what itís like then!

    Hereís something I wrote the other night.

    I have thought that in a way my love of the hills is like marriage. It is such an intense love that I am actively conscious of it every day, and there is no possible way I could contemplate anything more than a temporary separation.

    You might think that since I am loving something inanimate, that it is one-sided. Actually it doesnít feel that way. Since I love the hills so deeply, I feel that their presence comforts and supports me all the time, especially when there is trouble, just as strongly as the actions of a loving partner. Itís just as though they are giving back to me, and unlike He of Two Girlfriends, I can trust them never to reject me!

    Last weekend was a typical case in point. After seeing the hills of home loom on the horizon at the end of my return from the Royal Show, which is held in the flat countryside where I grew up, I went to a food festival about 15 miles from here. Itís held in the one town near here that attracts a lot of tourists from the industrial Midlands, who seldom come as far as my home on the Ďfarí side of the Long Mynd.

    I got the days mixed up and arrived a day early! Never mind! I returned by the very scenic route, over the heathery top of the Long Mynd with awesome views back to ĎLittle Switzerlandí, then along the quieter roads of the valley I think of as one of the most beautiful places on Godís earth, and through the local little market town to the Ridgeway, where a fabulous view over my home valley opens up beyond a mediaeval motte and bailey, and then I descend down steep quiet lanes until Iím home. On the way I saw a wedding, but I felt glad to live here and not sad that Iíll never be a bride. I seem to watch weddings from an emotional distance.

    Next day I went back to the festival. I talked to a lot of people, and found as usual that they were friendly, but all inexplicably in pairs. Every last man on his own was waiting for a wife who was somewhere else. By now I take this for granted. My overwhelming feeling all the time was not: ĎOh dear! On my own as usual!í but: ĎThese couples are tourists who have to return to some dreadful city like Brum!í (BirminghamÖyuck!!!!) Iím *so much luckier * than them!í

    If I somehow came to fall in love with a man who wanted me to leave the hills for the city, I am certain I would turn him down unless he gave way. However I really donít think it will ever happen.

     
    Old 07-11-2007, 03:20 PM   #90
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    Re: Introduction Ė long term single.

    I can certainly see how it would not feel one sided to love a place that much. Nature and beautiful natural scenery can be so soul reviving, I wish more people could be more sensitive to it.

    But by all means, no! I wasn't suggesting you were doing anything "wrong" at all. Like I said, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong at all. I was just saying what my friends told me I was doing wrong. They are always harping on me to wear more make up, spruce up my wardrobe, and my family is rather disappointed in me for being so heavy. My mother says it's not really me, that I've lost myself in the excess weight and I need to get it off so I can look and feel like "me" again. I'm doing my best but it never seems to be enough for them.

    At the risk of sounding arrogant, I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong either. I do my best to put my best foot forward, but I like being comfortable and at ease, and that doesn't always go with dresssing or styling myself to look the way people say I need to look in order to snag a man. So I don't really know what the answer is. I think all I'm willing to do at this point is keep myself open, respect myself and others, be the very best me that i know how to be, and hope for the best. How you feel about the mountains is pretty much how I feel about my freedom. I complain a great deal about being single, but I do also love living my life entirely on my terms and not having to run all my decisions past someone else, doing things the way I want to do them without being nagged that I'm doing this or that wrong. My ex, I loved him very much, but when I think about how he nagged me, he didn't like how I drove, cooked, danced, laughed, played guitar, even dressed sometimes. I really don't miss that part of having someone in my life.

    And, in case you aren't around tomorrow, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 07-11-2007 at 03:22 PM.

     
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