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    Old 07-24-2007, 11:21 AM   #1
    ht0626
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    a mother's love... how much is too much?

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    Last edited by ht0626; 08-01-2007 at 09:57 AM. Reason: needed to delete post

     
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    Old 07-24-2007, 11:28 AM   #2
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    Oh boy - where do I begin. The answer to those last two questions you ask .... YES and YES.

    First off, please......I repeat......PLEASE dont try to come between your man and his Mom. Families are forever, especially if they are close families (and even when they're not). I have many friends that have been faced with this, and guess who lost.......yep, the girlfriend. Even if you were his wife, it would still be difficult to expect him to put his Mom aside for you. Dont' force him to choose.

    The best advice I can give would be to learn how to live with his Mom. Try to spend time with her and get to know her. Go shopping, invite her over when he's not around. If you can somehow get her on your side, maybe...just maybe you may be able to make her realize that her son is grown and he now has a life, and maybe she may even start to see you as part of the family. Wouldn't that be nice
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    Old 07-24-2007, 12:21 PM   #3
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    My best friend was once married to a mama's boy like your boyfriend is. It didn't work out. Mama's boys are the WORST possible boyfriends/husbands because they will literally never ever go against their mom's wishes. And they will always side with their mom, and they will never let you forget that their mom was, is, and always will be #1 in their life, while you will, at best, be somewhere below that.

    So you have to ask yourself whether you want this kind of life or if you want to be with a mature guy who, while he has a good relationship with both parents, doesn't sit there and kow tow to every single one of his mother's whims like your boyfriend does. It's going to get really old really fast (as it already has, I can tell from your post), and you will never be first in his life. Ever.

    Better end it now before you get too involved. It will be much harder the longer you put it off.

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 12:30 PM   #4
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    Kaszan,
    While I totally respect your opinion, it's kinda hard to use the words "always" and "never". There are exceptions. And I think the poster is gonna have to figure out how important this is for her and how much she is willing to endure before she tries a few things.

    Actually, my daughter was faced with a similar situation, and it worked out in her case. Initially, her boyfriend was verrrrrrrrry close to his Mom, and my daughter was having big problems with it too. However, after making many attempts to get to know her boyfriend's Mother, they are all now great friends, and they love and accept and respect each other. They've been together now for 5 years, and married for 2.

    So it can be done - never say never.

    Respectfully,
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    Old 07-24-2007, 01:22 PM   #5
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    I think you might be over reacting just a "tad".....since I am a mom of a 20 year old......maybe I am not the best to reply, but this is the way I see it: He is her baby, grown man or not....you've only been living together a month. Give it time. She came over and made him a sandwich. Don't sweat the small stuff. It was only a sandwich, not a financial problem. I think in time she may become better adjusted and come around and call less often. It's hard on a mom when her baby leaves home the first time. I've been there. Try to understand where she is on this, and if things don't start to improve with time or seem to be getting worse then you might sit your bf down and talk about it. He is probably missing his mom too, so after such a short time, if you bug him a lot about it you might be pushing him away. Don't make it harder than it needs to be for either of them.

    He made a step by moving out of her home, and into one with you. He will grow away from his mom and she will get use to his being gone in time. Don't try and rush it for them. Maybe its a lot to ask.....truth is...I am sure she means well. If my son even hinted that he wanted a BLT and I was having one I would move heaven and earth to see that he got it. Do you have children? If not, maybe one day when you do you will understand more. In the meantime, give it just a little more time before you force the issue. Time may be all it takes.
    Mileena

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 01:40 PM   #6
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    Wow... that would drive me bonkers. My mother was understandably upset when my brother left the home and went to college at 18 - but she never invaded his life O.o

    Personally, I think that's a little frightening, but I'm not a parent just yet, either so perhaps I don't understand the sordid obsession this woman seems to have that goes beyond any I've ever heard of in my cirlce of aquantances. I can understand her calling frequently at first, of course... but to go balistic? It sounds like she needs to remember how to really do something for herself. He has to be able to leave the flock eventually without being guilt-ridden or handled with kid gloves by a babying mother for the rest of his life.

    Yikes, that's just scary!!! The sandwich thing would've greatly disturbed me, as well. I think as a grown woman who was once young and in love and with her husband prior to marriage she should respect that you have a place in his life now, and it's time to let go.

    I'm sure, easier said than done, but she's being quite inconsiderate about you and her sons relationship by being so intense about the whole thing. I imagine it was very hard for your bf to leave, being close to her already, with her laying down the heavy-dramatics :S My mom was upset when my brother left, but she never once let him think she wasn't okay with him going off into the world to become his own person, even if it did make her sad.

    I'm not sure how you address it. I suppose you could give it some time - but frankly this new place is 1/2 yours - you live there, you pay rent, and you do have some say over who comes over, and how often to a degree. And truly if your boyfriend doesn't think his mom randomly driving over in the evening after dinner time to make him a sandwich isn't weird I'd probably wonder about HIM @[email protected]

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 01:54 PM   #7
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    I agree with the poster who said to try to get to know his mother. Yes, she is very involved in your relationship, but that is because (as another poster said) she still sees him as her "baby". It is going to take her (and him) time to adjust. That doesn't mean that you have to have her over every time she wants to or have to go to every function. That just means that they are both adjusting and you have to understand that, just as he needs to understand that when you're in your pajamas you don't want visitors.

    I think you may benefit from spending some time alone with her. Try going shopping and out to lunch with her. Get to know her as a person (not just his mother) and let her have the opportunity to know you as a person (and not just his girlfriend).

    It may also benefit you to talk about boundaries with your boyfriend. Maybe find a nice way to let him know that you don't want people coming by unannounced or when you're in your pajamas. Don't necessarily make a reference about his mother doing it, just a general statement. At the same time you can ask him if there are other things he may want to bring up. You both need to be able to respect eachother's space and it's hard going into a new living situation.

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 02:56 PM   #8
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    Even though I agree with the others that you should get to know his mother on a more personal level..perhaps that might make things a bit more comfortable, however I honestly believe that his mother is interferring a bit too much. I mean coming over and going into your kitchen to make him a sandwich as if you didn't exist or wasn't good enough would really **** me off.

    There comes a time when a mother must let her kid grow up. Then again my children are only 6 and 3...so I really have no idea what I will do when my son is ready to move out..but that is years down the road.

    Perhaps expressing your feelings to her about this whole situation might help!

    Good Luck!
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    Old 07-25-2007, 02:21 AM   #9
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    I will repeat what the pp said about 'sweating the small stuff'. Yes it was a pain, her coming over to feed her baby, trying to hang on to him ect etc. BUT, the worst thing you can do (given that you want to keep this guy) is to let this stuff cause a problem. Unless she is a total MIL from Hell, she will improve. If she turns out to be a MFH, then of course all bets are off, you can fight her off. Otherwise, it will get better. Let her spoil her boy, you have actually taken him away in some measure, and that is hard on a Mom. Draw boundaries, but make them generous ones. For example, welcome her with open arms, but ask that she calls first. Treat her bacon sandwich attacks with humour, make a friend of her. My MIL was that sort of mother and I bristled a lot at first, but after a couple of years, I couldn't do without her in so many ways. Accept her help for yourself, ask her for recipes, household hints, pinning up a hem, whatever. These moves will make her feel wanted and she won't be so pushy and she will be reassured that she will remain a part of her son's life. That is a given - she will always be there, and you will either accept this gracefully (but firmly setting your boundaries) or you will be unhappy, your BF will be unhappy and where's the fun in that. He is only 22 and, believe me, after being away from his mother's roof for a few years this bond will loosen. It did with my husband, and it has with my son *sob, sniffle*. As for the family get-togethers, you may have to eventually put your foot down a bit, it is easy to become swamped. Give it a little while, until the novelty of your new household has worn off a bit with the rellies, then they will leave you alone more. I am saying all of this from my experiences as both a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law and hope it helps. Sera

    Last edited by Seraph; 07-25-2007 at 02:24 AM.

     
    Old 07-25-2007, 03:34 AM   #10
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    I am saying all of this from my experiences as both a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law and hope it helps. Sera
    So do I OP, because I have read all the posts on this thread and I really have nothing to add to what Seraph has said; I really do think this is the best advice on here and it would benefit you to listen to it.

    My son is thirteen and already I'm worried about what the future holds. He is my only child and I've spent my youth raising him, much of that time as a single mother (I got pregnant at 17) After all that hard slog and effort, the thoughts of him meeting and moving in with a woman nine years from now who wasnt happy to have me call over even once a week would drive me to instant tears, I can honestly tell you.

    Having said that, I do think your bf's mother went WAY over the top with her screaming bawling protestations at your initial cohabiting plans, and I think also that in her foolishness she managed to create a resentment in you that has never gone away. Please try to see things as they really are OP. I mean, would that petty sandwich business have bothered you to anything like the degree that it did if you hadnt got that initial resentment simmering away in your brain? I think you shold try to understand that while she did act inappropriately when you and your bf first planned to live together, she arrived at that behaviour from a place of FEAR, and it was the fear of loss she was experiencing. Hard and all as it may be, I think it would benefit both you personally and the situation generally if you tried to be compassionate to that.

    I honestly hope to God that when my son settles I gain a daughter rather than lose a son. I've never had a little girl, and I'd love to be close to his wife when the time comes. To have the sort of tension and resentment that exists between yourself and your bf's mother would truly devestate me were I in her shoes, and it's clear that in your situation it is causing hurt and tension all round, for ALL of you. Seriously, it's obviously no fun for any of you; I'd bet your bf's mother is up the walls with it, you yourself are obviously tense, resentful and probably feeling somewhat insulted, and I pity your poor bf because he is caught in the middle of the high riding emotions of the two females he loves most in the world! Put yourself in his shoes and imagine if you were caught between him and your father in the same way! Wouldnt it be awful? And how long could you cope with that before it would begin to damage the fabric of your relationship?

    (There I go rambling on as usual, and after saying I'd nothing to add to what Sera said, lol!)

    Best of luck OP.

     
    Old 07-25-2007, 05:53 AM   #11
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    She is his mom and loves his SO much that in itself should make you smile. That bond that she has with him will never go away and has embedded in his brain what a "mother" for HIS children should be. And guess what sweetie, that girl right now is you . He chose to be with you and loves you and moved in with you. WOW I would be honored that a man that was that close with his mama chose me to be his girl. BUT i have hind sight and can say that. I dont look like my husbands mama BUT i sure am like her and we get along greatly. My exhusband's mom and I also get along very well to and he was a mama's boy let me tell ya. She didnt come over when not asked but he was on that apron string and wanted me to be like her exactly her. I learned that I couldnt be like her but I had my own style and had to let that come out. That didnt happen until i left him tho. LOL

    I do think you should invite her over or ask to go over to her place without him.

    You did say that feel guilty when you dont go over there.. You are a big girl, you can tell them that you have other plans. or that you want to see your family. Please dont think they will hold a drudge because you want to have a relationship with your family. BUT if you lie and say you are going over your families house so you dont have to go over theirs well that isnt right. You can tell her that you just want to hang out at your place or do something else. or you already have plans, you dont have to say what you are doing. but remember that your boyfriend might tell her what you are doing if he does then that is a problem. She had it right when she was upset that you shouldnt move in together when he was 22 any mother would say that maybe not as hysterical as she did but I would have done the same. I dont think anyone should be that fast. You were together 2 years and then chose to move in , i think that is fine but remember that mother son bond is strong(i have 4 kids two of which are boys) and you want htem to be close. She will eventually let up a bit and ease into not doing the same things like coming over.

    But you or your bf could have said no thank you we are undressed and going to watch a movie. That was a huge no no on your part and his. If he said oh yeah come over or didnt say NOt to then that was wrong as well. You are adults and you need to open your mouths. A no thank you or yes please do come over i think that would be great is all you need to say.

    The problem with most men isnt really their mothers. The fact that their mother doesnt want to let go is perfectly normal. I know it would take time for me.

    the problem is the men do not know how to get beyond telling mom that tonight isnt a good night. Mom wont break or die if they are told no. I know I would be angry but i would get over it. And yes mothers when they feel that they are loosing their sons will get nasty. Please try to explain to your mom that she is not loosing a son but gaining a girl and that you will try to be the best you can be for him. Maybe ask her for some recipes so you can make him things that is always nice. I love when my mother in law shows me how to cook dishes i havent made before. I even get on the phone with my 1st MIL and get her old recipes as well. She and i talk all the time, use to be every day in fact but i have many kids now so not so much maybe 3 times a week. LOL

    My in laws come over every weekend. either sat or sun to see us and the kids. They have always come over even when I wasnt with him to see their son . I love it. My kids get to see their grandparents and you never know one day they might not be tehre. so I feel do it now because one day might be too late.

    not saying you have to listen to me i'm 33 with 4 kids and two great sets of in laws. Yes they do some things that we had to discuss with them but we DID discuss with them and it was over with. so speak up the two of you and deal with it. in time she will let up but you need to be gentle and he needs to stop acting like he is a mama's boy. remember it is hard for a man as well. Personally i wouldnt let any woman move in with a man until he was living on his own for a while.

    The reason I say that is because he was at home having mom do stuff forhim if he moves in with a girl he assumes she takes over the mom role. So no no for my boys that wont happen. I will tell them striaght out that they can live on their own before living with any woman. So they learn how to be in a house or apt and be a man without anyone doing for them. So they learn to do the things they shoudl without a woman there and then once they can do that they can move in with a fiance. NOT a girlfriend. I beleive that if you are going to get married then yes move in together but if you are bf and gf there is no need and if you are going to get married then ask the girl to marry you and then move in. I dont belive in this oh lets play house and then she'll dump him or vise versa. That never ends well.

    good luck dear

     
    Old 07-25-2007, 07:31 AM   #12
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    Yikes! This definitely is not an easy situation, no matter what angle you look at it from!

    First of all, I think a LOT of this is obviously due to the fact that she's having a hard time letting her son go. He's at that stage where he's leaving the nest and she's not taking it well. It will probably take her some time to get used to the fact that he's going to be starting a family of his own and she can't come over and make his favorite dinner every night.

    Second, while I agree that it's good to get to know his mother and sympathize for how tough this might be for her, I also think you are wise to be cautious in proceeding with this relationship. If she DOESN'T get over this issue, you may have a MIL who spends the rest of her life trying to undermine you. The worst part is not that she came over, but that she attacked YOU for not making him the sandwich he wanted which shows that she's trying to prove to him that SHE is the best woman in his life. This kind of competition isn't healthy and can be very hard to deal with. I would keep my eyes wide open to see if this kind of behavior continues. (Incidentally, isn't it tempting to tell your boyfriend to make his own ****** sandwich?????)

    I would try and let this go for now, but keep a watchful eye on the situation. Make a mental note of instances like this, where she is pitting herself against you and is irrationally barging her way into your lives. If the point comes where you are 1) about to get married or 2) about to leave him because it's become so bad, then it's time to let him know your concerns. If you approach him now, there's an excellent chance he will side with his mom because he just isn't ready to get married yet and is trying to find himself. Give him some time to assert his independence on his own, but look out for him AND for yourself in the meantime.

    For the record, my MIL is a wonderful woman and I have a very close relationship with her, but it STILL drives me nuts how she and my FIL will drive 2+ hours at the drop of a hat to bring us something we need or help with an outdoor project or whatever. On the surface that sounds GREAT, but sometimes I want to do things just the two of us and figure life out on our own. I had to talk to my husband about it, and while he was defensive he DID put his foot down and I notice they are coming over a little less frequently.

    It's our natural instinct to defend and love our parents. When someone attacks them, especially someone we also love, it hurts because we are forced to choose sides and try to make everyone happy. If you DO decide to talk to him about this now, be careful. He may very well come around on his own in time...hes' only 22!

     
    Old 07-25-2007, 07:32 AM   #13
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    Re: a mother's love... how much is too much?

    p.s.

    While this is a real pain right now, men who are very attached to their mothers in general know how to treat women right. The same affection and devotion he shows to his mother will come your way in time. It's a GOOD thing that he loves his mom and has a close relationship with her....provided there are boundaries and ways for the two of you to begin your life together.

     
    Old 07-25-2007, 09:05 AM   #14
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    thanks everyone

    Last edited by ht0626; 08-01-2007 at 09:53 AM.

     
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