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    Old 07-25-2007, 07:35 PM   #31
    mary09
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Hi, I have been reading all these posts from the beginning and cannot believe some of the responses.
    I do think the original poster does love his girlfriend. I do believe his girlfriend has issues that she needs to deal with.
    I think that people who tell people who need to lose weight "how to do it, by eating healthy, exercising, etc".....all need to realize, that just because people are overweight does not mean they live in a vaccuum. You'd have to be in an abyss to not know "how" to lose weight these days....it is not the "weight" that is difficult to lose, it is the issues that caused it in the first place.
    I am not overweight, but have been there....have had a perfectly normal healthy pregnancy, without any complications, despite the idea here that god forbid anyone who is more than a few pounds overweight should ever attempt to have a child because of course there will be problems.
    But in saying this, would just like to offer another perspective, because there are alot of things about people other than weight, than can be compared here.

    People talk about "attraction"....what if a woman has breast cancer...and has a mastectomy? Some women have such a difficult time with this, they they dont feel attractive anymore. God bless them, they are, but they dont feel it. And it can be a really hard struggle for them. People here will probably say that a woman who is overweight is "different". Maybe, maybe not, but the end result is the same, she feels unattractive.

    What happens if the guy all of a sudden has issues in the "bedroom"? If it continues, does a woman start to doubt their relationship, and think of the "future"???

    What if someone gets addicted to alcohol or drugs? If we dont know that it will be "temporary" - do we start wondering if we should leave them?

    I think I made my point....but I'm just trying to say....when we tell someone we love them, and we commit to them.....they may change in any number of ways, weight is one but by no means the only way someone can change.
    I think that people who love each other need to work together to support each other, whatever the struggle is....and to do their best to do so without hurting each other.

    None of us will look the same 20, 30 years from now...that we do today....and maybe none of us will "act" the same. But you either love someone, or you dont. And when you do, you accept them, and you both learn to deal with what changes come to you.

    Orion.....I believe you love your girlfriend, and I believe there is nothing wrong with "talking" to her. But you should consider, that you already know "she" has a problem with her weight. And obviously you do as well. If it's not a problem you can handle, you need to tell her that. It will hurt her, but a lifetime of being "not thin enough" or "not attractive enough"...and "making you feel horrible"...is no picnic either. Be honest with her.....and with yourself. If you love her and want to always be with her, you will be prepared that she will deal with this always. And if you cant handle that, you just need to tell her.

    I will only say that if I was that girl right now, and I read these posts, from my boyfriend, and some of the posters here.....if I had self esteem issues.....some of these posts would make me withdraw even more...and would make me feel worthless.

    Just my thoughts....good luck to you.
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    Old 07-26-2007, 06:20 AM   #32
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    I haven't read all the posts on this thread. But thought I'd give my opinion anyway. To think love and physical attraction do not go hand in hand is soooo wrong. You do need to be attracted to the person otherwise its going to eat away at the love till there is nothing left. You will start to pick apart the person in arguements. Sooner or later you will be disgusted to even look at your SO much less have sex. You won't be able to do as much because of the rolls getting in the way... And theres the public thing. You will be embarrassed to be seen in public especially around friends. You may not feel that way now..but it will happen. Its been proven. For love to last all aspects need to be good. Physical attraction is one of them.

    If it bothers you that much you need to have a heart to heart talk with her. She will be mad and hurt at first. But she will come around and want to do whatever it takes to please you in every way if she wants to be with you. She's in a comfort zone with you as she is now. She will not know she shouldn't be unless you tell her...in a nice way that is. Maybe when she isn't working so much you two can join a gym together. And work on the eating habits too. If she can't have a Big Mac then you shouldn't either when you are together. It really is a team effort.
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    Old 07-26-2007, 08:15 AM   #33
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    I agree what the watching what YOU eat in front of her. I mean you are early 20's and active so most men don't start packing on the lbs until they hit about mid twenties or thirtyish so you can probably eat whoppers and ice cream and stay skinny. So whatever you do, don't suggest fast food burgers and fries and cokes and ice cream and chips and that junk stuff. The best thing to do when someone is trying to diet is to not have any junk around them period. Probably avoiding going out to eat period because most places serve huge portions plus it's not usually very healthy foods.

    Last edited by ILYF; 07-26-2007 at 08:18 AM.

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:38 AM   #34
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tarheel247 View Post
    But she will come around and want to do whatever it takes to please you in every way if she wants to be with you.
    She should do it for herself......to try and overcome whatever issues she had to cause the problem in the first place. He can be her motivation...but she is worthy of doing it for herself, and not to hold on to him. If we all gave up on people we loved because they didnt look or act the way we "want" them to.....we'd all be very lonely people......

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 04:35 PM   #35
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    I don't have very much new to add. At this point I think I am just rambeling out the same points.

    The thing that bothers me the most is her not really trying. I have had to overcome a lot of issues and adversities in my life. I have never had to deal with weight issues. Though I am bi-polar. I do know what it is like to be extremely depressed. Five years ago I actually spent 2+ weeks in a state psych institute. I know what it means to climb from the bottom up. I live a healthy life now but I had to really focus and try hard. The only way to overcome a problem is to face them head on. I have always been a fighter and have always been highly motivated and determinated.

    This is why I can't understand not trying unless a person doesn't care. She isn't *really* trying and it makes me believe she in fact doesn't care. Her not caring about this weight issue is the main problem for me. I can only deal with the least amount of effort for so long and than eventually I am going to break.

    So most of all I feel like she is just trying enough to keep the relationship alive. Yet last night she was watching a show on obese parents who have obese kids. The show had a computer generated video that showed over the years what the kids would look like as adults. She found it appauling yet she can't motivate herself. I really believe she is somewhat in denial about how serious her situation is.

    Plain and simple. I love her and I want to marry her. But I am not going to marry her until she gets past this weight issue. I think she knows that also. I am not going to plan to have kids when her body is not even healthy enough for light exercise. How is her body going to be healthy enough to bring a child into this world?

    Last night we went for a very short bike ride. I am not drilling her and trying to get her to go on 2 hour long trips. Myself, I have a resting heart rate of about 40 beats per minute. A month ago I went for a 68 mile bike ride and climbed about 3500 feet. But back on our small bike ride. We are talking about a 2.5 mile bike ride over a half an hour. I could jog next to her at this pace but feel that would be extremely rude and would only make her feel worse. Her huffing a puffing and me not even breath though my mouth is bad enough. Last night she got all ****** and frustrated during the bike ride. The day before she asked me to put in a frozen pizza in the oven for her so it was ready when she got home from work. Yes, I know real unhealthy at 300 calories a slice. But I figured she hadn't ate anything all day. Anyways, I accidently left the cardboard underneath the pizza while baking it and ruining the pizza. During her pissy mood during the bike ride last night she actually accused me of intentionally ruining her pizza the night before. I told her "That is ****ing pathetic that you think I am intentionally sabatoging your food". I mean that is an all time low when she is brining up something like that. Some how because I am in control it didn't turn into a huge argument. I left her alone for an hour or so and than came back to her like nothing happened.

    I think I am out of things to add. Over the past 6 months I have really started to feel hopeless. I have really started to wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone with a similar lifestyle. I really start to think (no pun intended) it would be a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I wonder what it would feel like to not have to worry about someone being obese and thinking about it countless times though the day. But than I think that nobody would ever be able to replace her love for me.

    I don't have any time line in my head of she better do this by this time. I will say that I can't imagine myself just sitting back and watching another year of nothing happening. Something has go to change or I am going to break. I am not going to give her an ultimatium. I do think that if nothing changes in another 6 months to a year I will truly believe that things are never going to change. I than will probably begin to truly accept the situation. Than I have to take in account my feelings that I don't want an overweight wife who is probably going to gain more weight as the years pass and that I don't want my future kids to have an overweight mother. I feel like even if she loses the weight it is a huge risk that once we get married she will revert back into weight gain again. Though I am willing to take that risk. Because if she can lose the weight once than I know she can do it again. Plus this time around I will watch and pain attention a lot closer. I won't sit back and say nothing and let it turn into 50 pounds.

    I can imagine losing weight is difficult but it is not like she is fighting a herion or meth addiction. It is a difficult task but millions of people over come this issue of losing weight. I know she is capible of doing it. If she wants do this than she can. Until she goes from 10% trying to 100% trying I am always going to feel very hopeless and frustrated. As the time passes it is only going to put our relationship in more and more jeapordy. It is a frustrating feeling because I can't make her. She is the one who is control. I feel like I am just sitting here waiting to see if she finally can put in the effort needed. She knows my feelings quite a bit. I don't know she she understands that months that turn into another year of no change is really jeaopardizing this relationship.


    Thanks again to all even if I don't agree with your opinions. I think most of all time will write the next chapters of our lives. Unfortunatly their is only so much in my position that I can do and I get to just wait and see what she chooses to do or not to do.

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 04:56 PM   #36
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Whatever you do, don't marry her thinking you will be able to change her (the idea of monitoring her weight when you get married so it doesn't get out of control - that's her job, not yours ) - we can only change ourselves. I would be supportive but not controlling of her efforts - if, in the next few months you see by her actions , not her words, that she is truly changing for the better - fine -if not, perhaps life with someone more compatible with your healthy outlook would be better, without this constant struggle. You might want to sort this out with a therapist.

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 05:09 PM   #37
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by orion_81 View Post
    ...
    ...
    ...

    Thanks again to all even if I don't agree with your opinions. I think most of all time will write the next chapters of our lives. Unfortunatly their is only so much in my position that I can do and I get to just wait and see what she chooses to do or not to do.
    I don't know if you have already left the thread or not, but even so I felt like saying something...

    At some point you said: "I know she is capable of doing it". Perhaps she can do it, but probably she will need the support of a doctor, or a dietetician, or a therapist, or a personal trainer, or any other professional in this field. It is not only a question of self-effort. There are many protocols to be followed. Are there cases of obesity in her family? How does she relate to her parents and family, etc?

    You seem to love her, yes, but you don't want her in this "package", if I may say so. I don't criticize you. It is your future that is at stake. Your feelings are perfectly human. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't wait much longer. I would ask her for a break. Not a split-up, but a break, a six-month-break, say. Tell her the truth: you want her to be healthy. As a trade-off, you could offer her to change something in yourself that might please her. Be firm, even if you are hurting in your soul. Some may say that this is blackmail and being selfish. Well? The strong point of this is: if she feels that she might be losing you and if she really cares for you, it might finally dawn on her that to have you back is partly in her hands: she must apply herself to change.

    One of the rules during the break is: be faithful.

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 05:47 PM   #38
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    I would agree with Andrea in that you should watch her actions OP, rather than her words. I think that is the golden rule in assessing what a person truly feels, believes, and intends.

    My first cousin met a woman more than twelve years ago; she was around 160lbs when they met and they were both in their late twenties. Her weight climbed steadily over the following ten years until she was almost twice that heavy. Eventually he left her and by the time he did they hadn’t had intercourse in over three years.

    He met and married the woman he's with now within the space of eighteen months; they were engaged just inside a year of his having left his ex, which I'm sure must have been a big blow to his ex because he had always told her he'd never get married, when what he actually meant was he'd never get married to her. Of course he couldn’t tell her that because then he'd have had to say why, and hurt her by saying there was no way he could marry a woman who was unprepared to seriously deal with her weight problem.

    I suppose some women who are or have battled with their weight will conclude that my cousin is a bad person, has no respect, blah blah blah; but the reality is he did love and respect her, so much so in fact that he stayed with her for the last three years of their relationship because she had started a four year degree course and was one year into it when he truly decided he wanted to leave, and, as he explained to his mother (my aunt) he “didn’t want anything to interrupt her studies”.

    There are precious few men in this world who will give up three years of their lives in order that the woman they know they cannot stay with will not be emotionally disturbed. Any time she had figured out he was drifting in the direction of wanting to leave during that first year of her college course she went to the wall emotionally, so he hung on in there. When they split up he let her buy out his share of the house for far less than it was worth because she was only beginning to get her career together and he didnt want to put her in a position where she'd have to take out a mortgage on the house before she’d even got her career off the ground. I really would not be interested in listening to anybody say he had no respect for her. I know different because I saw it with my own eyes. She knew the man she loved had lost all attraction for her and she also knew he wanted to leave, she had three years to attempt to rectify the situation and never bothered, so how much respect she had for her relationship is the only thing open for debate as far as I can see.

    The woman my cousin did go on to marry is about 135lbs, curvaceous and glamorous, a real woman’s woman who indulges in nail polish, perfume and high heels. She's not the media image of female perfection; she's a good deal older than my cousin, but she makes an effort with her appearance and takes good care of herself physically. As for whether their marriage will last, who am I to say? I cant help but think of that old saying; 'Marry in haste - repent at leisure', but as far as my cousins marital choice when it came to those two women is concerned; I cant help taking note that one women could secure in twelve months what the other couldnt in twelve years, and there's a lesson to be learned in that I really do believe.

    Last edited by Laylah; 07-26-2007 at 05:54 PM.

     
    Old 07-27-2007, 02:54 AM   #39
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    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Wow that last post was really good. ^_^
    Quote:
    The thing is this guy should be commended here for being totally honest! should he just tell her he still finds her attractive, just because thats whats she wants to hear, just to keep her happy etc? No, cause that's a lie, I would hate it if someone just said nice things to me, just to keep me happy and in denial, cuase thats just plain right dishonest in my opinion.
    I agree ^_^ since I am too am over weight to the point it affects my health, I would NOT want my husband to just lie to me and say “your beautiful and nothing is wrong” because if he loved me, he would care about my health. but I feel he handled it better, and I only share my experience so that others can hear, you can hadle it good, or handle it bad to the point that it is damaging this girls self worth, which will then only cause her to sink deeper. Which I think its better to get out, then do that.
    My husband also understands that I have gained weight over the years. But he doesn’t take it personally, its not his falt my genetics are different from his. and he would love for me to be slimmer and more attractive. (who wouldn’t, I would too) But he doens’t mention it to me again and again... But he still understands that its my life and only I can deal with it, he is glad that I am doing things about it, and not just sitting there complaining. but trust me, its in my head everyday. If someone (family or husband) were to keep “mentioning” to me, what I already knew, I would withdraw from them. Feeling like they are trying to change me, not letting me change myself. But he still finds me attractive, he is not repulsed to look at my body, and he has never indicated in anyway that he is less attracted to me because of my body. So he supports me to lose the weight, but he doesn’t emotionally hurt me by saying he is less and less attracted to me. Which sounds like “I’m falling out of love” it would damage our relationship, the way I look at him, and even damage my progress. When I’m doing so good as it is. But that’s just me, each person is different. Maybe some people need that. But all the fat people I know had family members damage their self-worth because of they bring up their weight all the time. I figure if you can’t deal with it, then get out of it, if you can handle it, then there is always room for improvement. and I have only seen them get worse not better. I have a friend who has a daughter who is more overweight then me, and she is only 16, and her mother is always calling her fat, and taking her out to exercise, and only feeds her healthy food. But over the years she has only gotten bigger.
    Quote:
    Orion.....I believe you love your girlfriend, and I believe there is nothing wrong with "talking" to her. But you should consider, that you already know "she" has a problem with her weight. And obviously you do as well. If it's not a problem you can handle, you need to tell her that. It will hurt her, but a lifetime of being "not thin enough" or "not attractive enough"...and "making you feel horrible"...is no picnic either. Be honest with her.....and with yourself. If you love her and want to always be with her, you will be prepared that she will deal with this always. And if you cant handle that, you just need to tell her.
    I think this is sooooooo true, and can’t say it any way better, I feel lucky that even though my husband is way way thinner then me, and it bugs me, I couldn’t handle a lifetime of being “not thin enough” or “not attractive enough” I couldn’t handle being in that and I would have to break it off weather I was married or not. The best relationships are based on honesty and trust.
    Quote:
    I can imagine losing weight is difficult but it is not like she is fighting a herion or meth addiction. It is a difficult task but millions of people over come this issue of losing weight.
    Yes, and no.. I did Meth, and crack, when I was younger, that was very addictive, but I just quit cold turkey, it was easy and hard and for years I missed it, but I never went back to it. then I quit smokeing, and that was harder then drugs… but I can’t quit eating, if I could cold turkey, and starve myself, then I would have no problem, but my weight issue has been the hardest to deal with, if it doesn’t involve starving myself. I know you have never been obese so you don’t really know how hard it is to lose weight healthy, then once you do starve yourself, you just gain back twice as much, it’s a horrible cycle. You said millions of people over come it. Do you actually know someone who went from obese to slim, and didn’t get worse but actually over came it? If you do I think they would be a great back up support for the both of you. I personally never met someone obese that lost a lot of weight, and did it healthy. Well no, I know one person, and she did it with drugs and partying, not the best way to fight the problem, but that only lasted a few years and now she is back to the way she was which is HUGE 250 pounds or more. But it doesn’t come in the way between her and her husband.. and damn he is good looking, if I could show links in this site I would show you them. So the fact that this is a real issue for you, maybe others who posted her are right, maybe you are just not compatible together.


    What it comes down to is do you really love her? Are you willing to stay with her even if she can’t beat it. If not, then waiting 6 months is going to be long and painful for you. You said “I am always going to feel very hopeless and frustrated.” So you already know this. I wish you luck during your 6 months of attempting to better her, for you.

     
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