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  • How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

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    Old 09-12-2007, 10:03 AM   #16
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Nicole27 View Post
    If a female is attracted to you enough, and shes single..shell probably go for the "FWB" without even realizing it..
    That's the part about the FWB situation that makes it so scuzzy. the "without her even realizing it" part. That's called "using" someone, and it's just not a very nice thing to do. To the OP, why would you want to know how to go out and intentionally inflict emotional pain on another human being?

     
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    Old 09-12-2007, 02:03 PM   #17
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    FWB and emotions...

    I think FWB is never completely absent of emotion...it just may be absent of romantic emotions towards the other involved party.

    It seems that oftentimes, FWB is spurred out of feelings of:

    *anger, perhaps because one was cheated on previously and attempts to "get even"
    *loneliness, because one is tired of feeling alone, isolated
    *hopelessness, because one doesn't think he/she will find THE ONE, or has experienced failed relationships
    *boredom, because something more meaningful seems difficult to engage in
    *low self-esteem, beacuse we seek to affirm our desirability
    *selfish lust, because one simply wants to get laid
    *fear, because intimacy=vulnerability=potential pain, loss, suffering!

    This feelings may not be apparent when the action is intiated, but ususally surface some time later when the individual realizes his/her deepest, truest needs are not being met by the FWB arrangement.

    There are lots of reasons, each individual with his/her own, that FWB happens. Primarily, I think they are based on negative emotions. Sometimes what we truly want, desire is not available, so we make do with the resource supply that is immediately available instead of exercising patience in waiting for something with more depth. Ultimately, why would you settle for FWB when you could have something better? I've never understood the desire myself; I think some folks engage in FWB but deceive themselves into thinking something deeper will develop. Also, some rationalize that even though he may not love me afterwards, even though he may be boning somebody else, we'll always be connected, i'll always have this memory of our sex...

    Sex is awesome, but is the awesomest under certain circumstances. It's like hot cocoa, I sure do like it, but in the middle of a hot summer? It's a lot more satisfying after a cold, wintry day of skiing...

    To get a FWB, I suggest going to a bar, anywhere people are drinking i suppose, and trying your luck with an intoxicated individual. Or perhaps yyou can search a swingers ads, find a girl who has a crush on you, or just ask one of your friends if she'd be interested. You'd be surprised what a response you'll get. But I'll warn you, you probably won't be friends once the benefits end...And anyone who truly is a healthy friend won't engage in this behavior with you, because they'll have faith in your worth (and their own) and encourage you to seek out something more.

    Last edited by Chubbycheeks; 09-12-2007 at 02:04 PM.

     
    Old 09-13-2007, 02:43 PM   #18
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    Another point to consider, there is no 100% fool proof form of birth control, and that movie Knocked Up, could very well happen in reality, only without the pretty, sweet Hollywood ending. You may get a woman pregnant who you can't coerce into an abortion. Keep in mind that the person you choose to have a fling with or a FWB situation with, you could very well end up being a co-parent with them and be tied to them for the rest of your life.

     
    Old 09-13-2007, 03:16 PM   #19
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    How did I miss this thread? When I read the title it seemed like you were looking for tips and all I could do was laugh (no offense)!

    If you aren't interested in the girl in any other way then sexually be upfront and let her know that, but nicely of course. Whether it be you tell her you just are not ready for a relationship or whatever the reason may be. She can then decide what she wants to do. But if you lie and make it seem like you could be more into her then you are then you are being a jerk and you don't want that.

    I had a couple FWB situations. In one I got hurt very badly because I had way too many feelings and I thought that somehow by sleeping with him I could make him fall in love with me. The other was when I was a little older (and more experienced) and it was a mutual thing. We were great friends and had a great time when we went out together and we had amazing sex. It was win/win/win for me and for him. It ended when I found someone who I was really interested in and wanted date exclusively.

    Whatever you decide just be careful and honest with the girl!

     
    Old 09-14-2007, 11:33 AM   #20
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    Just remember, also, that FWB=baggage you take and dump on your real partner to have to accept and deal with. I like to give someone I love as few reasons as possible to think I am contaminated, or of poor moral discernment. I like to be able to show that hey, i was lonely and horny but I had patience and confidence you'd be coming along so I waited because YOU ARE WORTH IT, sweetie. Only somebody special gets what I gots to give. I feel like FWB lessens what you have to offer. If it's free, ain't nobody gonna buy it...

    And sure, what's in the past is in the past, and it was before we met, etc.

    But still, which one would you prefer:
    a partner who has had lots of other partners, and lots of unattached relations,
    OR
    a partner with less experience, less baggage, and who chose his/her relations wisely and with soul?

    ANd let's be honest here...we all compare/contrast our lovers. It's impossible not to do. We are the culmination of all our life experiences. We say hey, this is different, or hey, he didn't do this so well, or hey, this worked out great with him...and we sometimes unintentionally place expectations of our future experiences to be like our past experiences.

    Guess that's why they call me an idealist...because I refuse to
    settle for less. Now anyways. Admittingly, I've done the FWB and I've regretted it, for many reasons. Among them, if the behavior was practiced by a large percentage of the population, I think we'd have seem major public (and private) health problems. I think STDs would be even more widespread than they are. We'd have a lot of desensitized people unable to experience sexual intimacy who have to be doped up to get off or be happy...oh wait, that's already how it is...too late...

    Also, I hate to think what I took away from that person and his/her future spouse's experience. I'd hate to think I took from her what he meaninglessly wasted on me. It's like looking at someone and saying, "Hey, I'll use your body, but the rest of you is unlovable in my eyes. I'll use you for my purposes, but your deeper needs, I couldn't care less."

    Learning together is so much of the fun to me...i prefer to play the goodgirl. having been the badgirl, good is much more satisfying mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and OH YES, sexually.

    In a nutshell, FWB removes that deeper, warm, ecstatical high that occurs when we have sex in a situation of mutual affections. You may orgasm, but even the physiological response of FWB is not as intense as in a love relationship. There is a mind-body connection that FWB neglects.

    Last edited by Chubbycheeks; 09-14-2007 at 11:43 AM.

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 12:32 PM   #21
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    Quote:
    In a nutshell, FWB removes that deeper, warm, ecstatical high that occurs when we have sex in a situation of mutual affections. You may orgasm, but even the physiological response of FWB is not as intense as in a love relationship. There is a mind-body connection that FWB neglects.
    I don't think this is true for everybody...it isn't true for me. The best sexual experience I ever had was a one night stand with a guy I had only met two times prior. All that mattered was that he was hot, a great kisser, and I just wanted to get my hands all over him. Same with my FWB. I don't see what sex has to do with love. In fact, once I start falling in love with somebody my sexual attraction to them lessens considerably. But I reckon it is different for everybody - some need to feel a genuine connection in order to enjoy sex, and me - I just need a hot guy. To each their own

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 07:29 PM   #22
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
    I don't think this is true for everybody...it isn't true for me. The best sexual experience I ever had was a one night stand with a guy I had only met two times prior. All that mattered was that he was hot, a great kisser, and I just wanted to get my hands all over him. Same with my FWB. I don't see what sex has to do with love. In fact, once I start falling in love with somebody my sexual attraction to them lessens considerably. But I reckon it is different for everybody - some need to feel a genuine connection in order to enjoy sex, and me - I just need a hot guy. To each their own

    Yeah, absolutely it's different for everyone, I think it depends on yournatural sensitivity, hormonal and brain chemistry balance, etc. I don't care how hot a guy is, if he opens his mouth and reveals himself to be an idiot, there's no way I'd let him touch me with a ten foot poll. I've never actually had sex, but I've had sexual contact with only two men, one I loved verymuch, one I didn't, and only fooled around with to try to get over the other one. When I was with the one I loved, it was a very deep, meaningful, emotionally moving and satisfying experience. With the other, the FWB situation, it made me feel even more alone and lonely and hollow inside, so much so I cried in the middle of it because I was so empty and unhappy inside because he wasn't the one I wanted to be with. For me, it's a total waste of time and energy if there's no emotional intimacy.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-15-2007 at 07:30 PM.

     
    Old 09-16-2007, 12:12 PM   #23
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    I think what I've realized about the 'firends with benefits' thing is that some guys give off the vibe that they are the type to get involved in one and others do not and women will pick up on that. Guys may do the approaching, but women ultimately do the choosing. With that in mind, what I've learned about women is that most of them like to put men in a category. Not all women are up for one night stands and casual sex, but the ones that are will basically look at you like, "this guy is date worthy, this guy is marriage and kids worthy, this guy is one night stand worthy, and this guy is friends with benefits worthy." If a girl considers you to be 'friends with benefits' worthy, she also has to be in that place in life where she actually wants that. She might not at the time you meet her, so It's really about catching her at the right time when your intentions and her intentions are inline. There really is no secret to it other than that.

    Of course, you can always act like a player and fool a girl wanting a relationship into thinking things are going somewhere when your actual intentions are to never allow that. In that case, you could literally have a casual sex relationship with her for months without her ever knowing about it. That's being pretty dishonest and low though, so I hope you won't consider doing that.

    Trust me though, this casual sex thing is not all it's cracked up to be and often causes your life much more hassle and trouble than it's worth. I was strictly a relationship type guy for the longest time before I would even consider just having a casual thing and the more I did it, the more I hated myself for it.

    I'll explain what I mean...these things never end with a handshake and a 'take care of yourself'. No, the truth of the matter is that it's doomed to come to end and that ending will cause pain. Think it won't? Guess again. The way these things end are always in the form of either being blown off completely out of the blue one day and never hearing from her again, a big fight over whether or not you should actually get together, the 'OMG I think I'm pregnant' scare, or 'I just found out I have an STD'.

    Some of that seems pretty funny, but believe me it's no joke. These things can and do happen EVERYDAY. There is A LOT more risk in getting involved with someone you don't intend to ever love than there is for someone you do.

    It sounds like the women in your life consider you to be a relationship kind of guy...well, consider yourself lucky, my friend. That will take you a lot farther in life than being a player or a piece of man meat.

    Last edited by CFD 333; 09-16-2007 at 05:08 PM.

     
    Old 09-16-2007, 05:16 PM   #24
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    Oh yeah, that STD thing. Can't believe I failed to mention it. Turns out I got HPV from my FWB guy. Turns out I wasn't his only friend with benefits...He was benefitting several other chicks at the same time, and it questionable whether some guys were, too.

    To me, sex without love is just pathetic and sad. It is a sorry imitation. Kind of like a snackwells cookie. It's just not as satisfying as the real thing, and actually contains more unhealthy junk.

    I honestly see FWB a choice one makes out of convenience. If one was in a position to have something deeper, more satisfying, why would they chose anything else? Impatience, longing, and lusting. They don't have anyone more meaningful in their lives, so they take what they can get in the meantime.

    Last edited by Chubbycheeks; 09-16-2007 at 05:19 PM.

     
    Old 09-16-2007, 05:20 PM   #25
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    I'm also the kind of person who would walk away from FWB wondering, "Why didn't he love me?" I think I am worthy of love, worthy of more, and would question why I didn't get it. FWB=low self esteem in my eyes, and if you don't have it when you start it, you probably will when you end it. I know I did.

     
    Old 09-17-2007, 07:33 PM   #26
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    [QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3210131]I don't see what sex has to do with love. QUOTE]

    Do you think this is perhaps why FWB was the best sex you ever had? Have you met your soul mate yet, Gypsy? Maybe you have nothing better to compare to? Maybe you don't know what you are missing and that is why you feel this way?

    I probably wouldn't feel that my FWB experience(s) were so lame if I hadn't found something better, ya know? It's all relative...On one level, yeah FWB met some desire I had, but the level of satisfaction and pleasure PALES In comparison to my soul mate love sessions.

    I hope that one day you will experience and know FULLY what sex and love have to do with each other. When you have sex, which can be good, and a love relationship, which can be great, and put 'em together: you have the best sex ever! At least, in my experience...

    I'm glad you've found ecstasty in your experiences, as you come across as charmed by your own choices, but I'd like to think there's something even better out there for you.

    Last edited by Chubbycheeks; 09-17-2007 at 07:36 PM.

     
    Old 09-17-2007, 07:57 PM   #27
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    Re: How do you get a "friend with benefits?"

    ChubbyCheeks, I have to agree with you on everything you're saying. You're absolutely right about this sort of thing lowering your self-esteem because it makes you feel like a scumbag and unloveable. You're also right that whatever desires it may satisfy, it pales in comparison to what real and true love feels like.

    I actually find that for every desire it meets, it makes all the other ones NOT being met hurt that much worse! It really is a lose-lose situation overall.

    I will not be having another friends with benefits relationship in my life ever again....it's a total waste of time, very risky, emotionally degrading, and takes away energy I should be spending trying to find someone I could actually love and loves me back.

    Maybe some people don't feel that way about these things, but if they don't, I have to question that they ever dared to love anyone enough to know what I'm talking about.

     
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