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    Old 09-30-2007, 09:06 AM   #1
    Rainbowbrite77
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    My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Hi there.

    I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. Everything is good, minus the few spats and what not.. but we live together, and have lived together for almost 2 years now.

    My boyfriend isn't the social type. He'd rather stay the night at home and play video games, then go and hang out with people. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, because I knew this about him getting into the relationship with him.. I've grown to accept it, and it's normal.

    He is not one to dwell on the past. He think's I'm nuts when my friends and I talk about what we used to do when we were younger. He'll get up and leave because he think's is rediculous. He says "The Past is the past".
    He has also told me that he doesn't like staying friend's with his Ex's. He says "They're ex's for a reason, and I really don't have any use for them"

    This is what he has always been like. I have told him that he should try to make new friends, just to get out of the house, and maybe away from me for a bit.

    Now. Picture this. Everyting is hunky-dorie, until last Thursday. He ran into his ex girlfriend.. who he dated just before me for 3 months... and they exchanged numbers, whatever.
    Well... this girl comes to him and says "Oh well by the way, my 2 1/2 year old daughter, might be yours"

    Wll holy hell, did my world come to a screeching halt.

    No way, not my boyfriend.

    I am not understanding why she waited almost 3 years to tell him this. Apparently there is a 2 week window when she slept with my boyfriend, and her ex husband, and she's not sure which one is the father.

    And my other question is, why the hell didn't she test the ex HUSBAND first, before even thinking of dropping a bomb like this on us.

    She's not paying a dime for the paternity test either, which is another thing that makes me angry. My boyfriend is a pretty nice guy, but in this situation, he needs to grow some balls!!! We are barely scraping by right now, and he's offering to pay $600 to find out if this kid is his?

    If he hadn't have run into her, none of this would have happened. She has made no effort to contact him these past 3 years, and I've never really heard him talk about her.

    Now, he's constantly text messaging her... he's even been to her house to "discuss" what is going to happen if the kid is his... he's been there 2 times already.

    As far as I'm concerned, he owes her NOTHING until those test results come back and say that the kid is his.

    I told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel that he is hanging out with her/talking to her, and he just doesn't understand. He says that I told him to make friends, and regardless if the kid is his or not, he's still going to be there to support her.

    I am so stressed over this. I haven't eaten in over a week, I'm barely sleeping.

    I'm 21, and I don't want to be a step mom, but I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I don't want to ip and leave him because this happened. I can deal with the fact that sure, he may have a kid, but I cannot deal with him hanging out with her, and talking to her all the time.

    She's constantly sending messages to his phone saying "Are you ok? Do you need to talk? We can get together after 8 if you want to"
    Stuff like that.. almost as if she wants to console him, when I should be the one doing that.

    He wont talk to me about any of this. He FREAKS out and throws everything I say back in my face.. telling me I'm wrong, or being a hypocrite, or I'm attacking her. He'll talk to her about it, but not to me? We've talked about marriage and kids and what not... and he wont even talk to me?!

    He says he doesn't want to think anything right now, because if he's excited, the kid wont be his, and if he doesn't want the kid, it will be his.. so I can understand that part.. he doesn't want to get let down.

    But the other day, he told me he would pick me up from work. I waited, and waited, and waited, and he never showed up. He didn't answer his phone either. (That was the day he was with her to take the paternity test).

    I was left there crying my eyes out, sitting on the sidewalk of my work, while everyone stared at me. I don't think I have been so embarassed in my life.

    I had asked him why he didn't answer my calls, and he said that he was in the middle of a conversation with her. And I said to him "So I'm not important enough to be talked to when you're with her? No matter where I am, who I'm with or what I'm doing, I will ALWYAS answer your call"

    Then, that night, he drove to another city to pick her up from school. Sure he can pick his EX GIRLFRIEND up from school , but not his CURRENT girlfriend up from work? I feel like I am taking the back seat right now. He is not taking any of my feelings into consideration. Basically I feel like I have to sit and wait until their problem is fixed, and then wait to get my issues sorted out.

    I have every right to be jealous of this girl. They had a past. They slept together. I have never met her, so I have no idea what her motives are... what she wants from him... etc...

    He constantly tells me that he is not interested in her like that, and that he loves me and nothing will happen between them.

    Not to mention that we've almost broken up 2 times in less than a week.

    I have no idea what he is telling her about me. I must admit, I don't know how to handle this situation, I've never been in this situation before, so Yes, I have been crying a lot lately. Also, we've had more sex this past week than the past year!! I don't understand..

    I don't know what to do anymore. He told me that she is still going to be in his life when they find out the answers.

    I figure that they haven't talked or seen eachother in 3 years, it's not going to hurt them to never talk again.

    I hope she feels like the biggest A-hole when she finds out this kid isn't his.

    Any insight anyone? I totally feel alone right now.

     
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    Old 09-30-2007, 09:30 AM   #2
    MrZeely
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Well thing i can tell you: its okay to come up with thoughts. But do not jump to any conclusions.

    I am alot like your boyfriend, id rather sit inside playing games all night rather than going out with people, i dont have all too many friends, so on and so forth. So i guess i can relate to that aspect. But all i can really say is that id never do what he is doing, yeah id get her to take the test, but i wouldnt hold conversations with her. One thing it may be, is that he does not have too many friends, and he might see that as an opportunity to make a friend again, though its still really wrong.

    Id just wait until you find out more, but you have all the right to be suspicious.

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 09:35 AM   #3
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Well, it sounds to me, first of all, like he does an awful lot of telling you what will be and how things are going to go, but doesn't put much effort into making sure you're happy, making sure your needs are met or to include you in things that affect both your lives.

    By the way you tell the story, he sounds very selfish and cold and insensitive. He hasn't even asked you how you feel about all this, how you'll feel if the child is his. He didn't ask you, he TOLD you he's going to continue to have this woman in his life EVEN IF the child isn't his. Now what would be the purpose of that? If he says he doesn't live in the past, and even needlessly criticizes you and your friend over a little harmless reminiscing about the good old days, which is something we all do? Of course you told him to go out and meet new friends, but any idiot would know that you DIDN'T mean with an old lover.

    He hasn't included you in any conversations with her, sounds like you haven't even met her. Did he even apologize for leaving you high and dry and stranded at work? And he gets mad at you when you are negative against her and defends her to you. AND, sounds like he was depressed and content to be a couch potato doing nothing but playing video games, and not very sexual at all, now this woman comes back into his life and suddenly he's revitalized and now is suddenly very sexual.

    I hate to say this, and I know it's the last thing you want to hear after three years of emotional investment with this guy, but it sounds like he's just not that into you. You're not a priority. He doesn't care if you're happy or not. If you get mad, he doesn't try to make things right with you. It sounds like he doesn't care if he loses you or not. He just sounds very luke warm to you. And dictating to you that this ex lover of his is going to be a part of his life with or without the child, whether you like it or not, I gotta tell you, if it were me, I'd already be gone. Life's too short to let someone make you this unhappy. Love isn't supposed to hurt. When it's right, it lifts you up, it makes you feel more confident, strong, and fulfilled. You shouldn't have to struggle to stay confident and hang onto your self esteem and struggle to feel happy IN SPITE of the person who's supposed to love you.

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 09:44 AM   #4
    Rainbowbrite77
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    I am very suspicious, and I have every right to be!

    Why all of a sudden, out of the blue did she tell him this? I mean if you have any doubt, shouldn't it be taken care of when you're doubting, instead of waiting 3 years?

    I would think she should have gotten the ex husband tested first, and THEN come to my boyfriend when that test came back negative.

    I honestly feel like she wants something from him, wether it be geting him back.. or whatever.

    My boyfriend broke up with her because he didn't know if she was sleeping with her ex husband while they were dating, and she says she wasn't sleeping with both of them at teh same time, but we will only find out with these test results!

    I even put money towards the test.

    I hope and pray and pray that this child is not his. It looks nothing like him.

    Sorry for the long posts, but Im' so scared and confused.
    You would think that he would take into consideration on how I feel about this, (not talking to her) but nope.

    I don't hang out with any of my ex's, and I sure as hell don't go out of my way for them (i.e picking them up from school)

    And he wont even let me meet her!!! Thats what kills me!! I have nothing to do with this!

    He's always been the kind of guy to help people when they're down on their luck, or going through a bad situation, but this kid has had a father figure in her life, so it's not like she's missing out on a father. He doesn't even know any of this is going on!!!

    Everything is fine between us, when we aren't talking about this situation, and yes he is very quick to defend her because "she is a nice person, and didn't do anything to him"

    Uhm, HELLO? She just made you miss out on the first 3 years of this kids life if it is yours!

    I will be just as much as a part of this child's life if it is his.

    Last edited by Rainbowbrite77; 09-30-2007 at 09:49 AM. Reason: added answer to another post.

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 09:46 AM   #5
    AnnD
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    I am so sorry I feel your pain! It is good you found all this out before you married the guy. Gosh any old girlfriend can just pop into his life and you're history. WOW what a catch you have. Perhaps this is why he doesn't like the past. The past is what we are all about, the past is what has made us who we are and it sounds like his past has a very dark side...be afraid,be very afraid! The future for you two doesn't look so bright and I'm sorry but I would have to leave him to his past because he has so disrespected you and your life together. I don't believe for a second nothing is happening between the two of them...of course there is or she wouldn't be on his mind 24/7. This is such a gut wrenching situation for you but he doesn't' seem to be bothered by any of it and since he isn't I would have to say he isn't worth even waiting around for. Apparently he has no feelings one way or the other for you ...nor does he care you are in pain over this. It is you two that should be going through this together not those two. Step back and take a hard look at what is happening because this is your future with him. If something is more important than you then you will be going through this over and over....doesn't matter what he tells you his actions speak volumes...and it isn't how a love acts. His actions are not normal of a person in a committed relationship...his actions are of someone that is there with you because it is just convenient for him. Results of this testing is a long time coming so when you can't cry anymore take a serious look at what he is putting you through and in the end would you trust this person to lay down his life for you 'til death do us part? Good luck to you.

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 10:07 AM   #6
    thaliak
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Rainbow,he is a hell of an inconsiderate so and so!!
    You have every right to be upset and suspicious and hurt by his behaviour.
    Now what should you do about this?
    I believe you should try and do a few things:
    1. Sit down with yourself and decide how strong you can be if you decide to issue an ulimatum. Are you prepared to stick up for yourself and demand from him to behave in a way in which you can feel confortable and secure or else tell him to take a walk? Will you be prepared to put aside the three years you have been together in favour of a more peacefull and happy future without him?
    2. If you find the strength to take the matter into your own hands ,then sit down and tell him of your decision. Then be prepared for the worse, and stick to your guns. He may not want to lose you after all. If he is, then he is not worthy of you and you can find someone else who will respect you more.
    3. Before you do all this, just try to meet this girl, secretely and see whether she is something to worry about. You can even try to talk to her and explain the situation. She maybe a nice girl and be prepared to withdraw a little so that your relationship can survive. Either way you will have something concrete to go on and make an informed decision.
    In any case we are here for you.
    Take care of yourself.

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 10:26 AM   #7
    Rainbowbrite77
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    I don't want to secretly meet with her. I very much doubt that she wants to meet me anyway. He's made it clear that if I text message, email her, phone her or naything like that, he'd be mad.

    If I was to send her a message, say on ********, what could I say? Not being angry... or insulting.. or attacking...

    I know that in my heart I may have to break up with him. He is being very inconsiderate, and I do'nt know howmuch more I can take of this.

    I have paranoia like you wouldn't believe.

    This is all so confusing. I really don't know what to do anymore.

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 10:30 AM   #8
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Rainbowbrite77 View Post
    I don't want to secretly meet with her. I very much doubt that she wants to meet me anyway. He's made it clear that if I text message, email her, phone her or naything like that, he'd be mad.

    If I was to send her a message, say on ********, what could I say? Not being angry... or insulting.. or attacking...

    I know that in my heart I may have to break up with him. He is being very inconsiderate, and I do'nt know howmuch more I can take of this.

    I have paranoia like you wouldn't believe.

    This is all so confusing. I really don't know what to do anymore.
    It's not paranoia if someone really is out to get you.

    Honey, the two of you are supposed to be a team. Now there's this woman he used to put his you-know-what inside of, who may be the mother of his child, and he's working overtime to make sure she never knows about you. Can you say HUGE HONKIN' RED FLAG??? The only question is, how much more of your precious life are you going to waste trying to ignore the elephant sitting in your living room?

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 10:33 AM   #9
    Rainbowbrite77
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    She knows about me.. believe me.


    she had the nerve to tell him not to tell me about all of this, and he told me as soon as it happened... He's on holidays now, and he told me that he wants me to open the results when they come in the mail....

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 10:34 AM   #10
    missbrit
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    You have invested so much time with this man, right? You also said that you are helping to pay for the test? I think you have every right to meet her and in my opinion it is in your best interest to do so. I think you need to stand up for yourself. You are a factor in all of this and you have to make yourself present. If I were you I would also make it clear that you want him to not maintain a relationship with her if this child is not his. There is no reason for him to. If it helps, promise you wont maintain relationships with your ex either. Besides, if this child is not his it is evident that she is manipulating the situation and wants something. Please, try to put your tears aside and stand up for yourself....it doesnt soud like your bf is doing it for you.

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 10:39 AM   #11
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Rainbowbrite77 View Post
    She knows about me.. believe me.


    she had the nerve to tell him not to tell me about all of this, and he told me as soon as it happened... He's on holidays now, and he told me that he wants me to open the results when they come in the mail....

    Is there any good reason why he's "on holiday" without you? Ok, she knows about you, but he's still working overtime to make sure you don't meet her, to make sure you're not included in or a part of this process, of course aside from helping to pay for it!! So, I guess what's at the nitty gritty of this is, what are you hoping will happen?

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 10:49 AM   #12
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Sorry Rainbow,
    But just because he warned me not to talk to her or see her, would be a b*** good reason for me to .. do it!!
    It is not only his life he is messing with , but YOURS as well. So, you do have a right to confront her if you want , even as a last resort.
    You do not have to be nasty. Just convey how much you care for him and that this situation is endangering your relationship. From her reaction you should be able to sass your enemy, and prepare yourself accordingly.
    In any case, I do not feel at all confortable with the way he is treating you. Nobody deserves such a treatment.
    I was also wondering what on earth is he doing on holiday alone?

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 11:28 AM   #13
    Rainbowbrite77
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    He gets a week of Holidays for the cottage 2 times a year. His brother lives just around the corner from the cottage, so they spend a lot of time together up there. He said he needs to get his head straight, and needs time alone to think about things. My boss offered to give me the week off, but he insists he needs time alone to think about things. His brother will be up there as well, along with our 2 dogs. I will be going up there friday after work.
    He usually goes up there alone when he has a week off.. because I can't take time off and I'm not really a cottagey person.. I go up there on the weekends.
    He has never in our entire 3 years given me a reason or any doubt not to trust him. Even when we had downward spirals, I never felt as threatened as I do right now. Maybe it's because it's an ex, and I have every right to be.. but come on... 3 years as opposed to 3 months?

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 11:36 AM   #14
    Larrylou'smom
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Well, like I asked before, what are you hoping will happen? What are you hoping for him to do?

     
    Old 09-30-2007, 11:44 AM   #15
    Rainbowbrite77
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    Re: My boyfriend and his Ex.

    Well, I'm hoping and praying this is not his child. I am hoping that after we find out it's not his, she'll back off and feel like the biggest a** ever. Personally, I would like to punch her square in the teeth for putting such a stress ball on us for no reason. My boyfriend and I have talked about kids and marriage, and actualyl we started talking about it a few months into our inital relationship.
    I realyl don't know what I am going to do if this kid is his. I think I might have to break up with him, because I do not want to compete for his time.

     
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