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    Old 12-01-2007, 06:40 PM   #16
    Ruskingirl
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    Oh how awful...maybe you could spray a pillow with the perfume and smell it when you need to feel her really close to you.

     
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    Old 12-02-2007, 07:34 AM   #17
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruskingirl View Post
    I am so sorry for your loss Pittsburgh. I know how much you miss your mom. It has been almost a year and a half I miss her more now than ever before. My dad is dating someone else and even talking about marrying her and I want to scream!!!!! Now that the holidays are here I find I can't do anything. Nobody can replace our moms...hopefully time will ease the pain. I will be thinking of you.
    Thank you. It truly is getting worse for me as well, certainly not better, and at times I feel like I'm losing my mind! Or that thought when I realize she's gone and the absolute feeling of panic and absolute disgust/fear/dread/torture/sadness...it's unbearable. The holidays mean NOTHING to me this year. Nothing. I am trying to "up" for my daughter, and maybe 8 out of 10 days I'm doing an ok job, but things are just falling apart with my fiance. Worst part is....I'm not even sure how much I care about that right now. This is horrible, just absolutely horrible.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paddler View Post
    She passed away about three months ago and it has turned my life upside down. Since then I walk around with a gaping hole in my heart and an emptiness that cannot be filled.

    Thanksgiving was rougher than I expected - there's that phrase "alone in a crowd" and that is exactly how I felt. There I was, surrounded by cheery people at a festive occasion, feeling alone and empty without my mom among those people. It actually felt kind of weird not having her there.

    Anyway, I'm so glad to have found these boards, places where I feel I might relate to and *belong* and both gain from and contribute to.
    I agree with you a million percent about Thanksgiving. I'm even ashamed to say that I felt jealousy and anger toward those around me because they had the 1 thing that I NEVER took for granted and always loved - my mom. I don't want to be jealous/resentful of those that I'm close with, but I can't help it. I wanted to be able to see/call my mom on Thanksgiving and gossip about all that went on during our days. I wanted to tell her what happened, etc., and...there was no one to call/see. I dread Christmas. I have no idea how I'm going to get thru it.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ibake&pray View Post
    A box came in the mail today.
    I opened it. It was the perfume I had ordered for Mom for Christmas. I had forgotten hat i had ordered it. My Mom has worn this for 29 years and when I opened the bottle and sprayed it, it wept because it was as if mom was standing there getting ready to go out with me. I almost chocked. Oh dear lord...how are we going to get through this month. I thought november was bad......
    How dreadful for you. I am so sorry. It's all I can do to see my mom's favorite Christmas decorations - animated Clauses - and think what plans she had to display them in her new place this year. Or for all the other years we got them out and decorated together. How much she loved them. How for so many years the holidays were fun for us. All that we did together.

    I feel like I'm falling apart, and there's just NO ONE who understands. I feel so lonely, so isolated and so hurt.

    Merry Christmas, eh? Ugh.

     
    Old 12-02-2007, 04:34 PM   #18
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    To Pittsburgh_Flye: I can understand what you mean when you say that you felt jealousy and anger toward those around me on Thanksgiving because they had the ONE thing that you "NEVER" took for granted - your mom.

    When I go out to do things like run errands or eat out or whatever, when I see children young or older, with their moms I feel profound sadness that I can no longer go out and do things with my mom, or just the general feeling that I don't have a mom with me on this earth anymore.

    Back to Thanksgiving, I wanted my mom to be there with me so we could quietly comment to each other gossipy type things (nothing malicious)!

    I also dread Christmas; I figure it will be as bad as, if not worse, than Thanksgiving.

    Last edited by paddler; 12-02-2007 at 04:35 PM.

     
    Old 12-03-2007, 07:41 AM   #19
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    Ladies,

    I had my husband put my tree up on Friday and still cannot bring myself to decorate it. Last year I did because I had my little nieces (ages 3 and 6) over for the holidays, but this year they will not be here. My son is 22, mentally and physically disabled and the apple of my mom's eye, she loved to make Christmas special for him. Why can't I make it special for him like she did? We spent every day together preparing for the holidays. I miss her so much.

    Last edited by Ruskingirl; 12-03-2007 at 07:42 AM.

     
    Old 12-03-2007, 09:12 AM   #20
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paddler View Post
    To Pittsburgh_Flye: I can understand what you mean when you say that you felt jealousy and anger toward those around me on Thanksgiving because they had the ONE thing that you "NEVER" took for granted - your mom.

    When I go out to do things like run errands or eat out or whatever, when I see children young or older, with their moms I feel profound sadness that I can no longer go out and do things with my mom, or just the general feeling that I don't have a mom with me on this earth anymore.

    Back to Thanksgiving, I wanted my mom to be there with me so we could quietly comment to each other gossipy type things (nothing malicious)!

    I also dread Christmas; I figure it will be as bad as, if not worse, than Thanksgiving.
    You have stated my feelings exactly. I too have used the example of seeing moms and daughters out together and how jealous/angry that makes me.

    Or even my friends saying, "My mom and I..." It's so difficult to know there is no "mom and I" in my case.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruskingirl View Post
    Ladies,

    I had my husband put my tree up on Friday and still cannot bring myself to decorate it. Last year I did because I had my little nieces (ages 3 and 6) over for the holidays, but this year they will not be here. My son is 22, mentally and physically disabled and the apple of my mom's eye, she loved to make Christmas special for him. Why can't I make it special for him like she did? We spent every day together preparing for the holidays. I miss her so much.
    You got further than I have - I can't even bring myself to bring out any decorations yet at all. I think it's hard for you (us) to make the holidays special because we are hurting so much. It's just hard to put the responsibility on ourselves to make something - anything - perfect because our hearts are broken and our heads are processing the loss. It's impossible to be festive and "up" when we are suffering the greatest loss in our lives to date.

    My fiance said, "I don't get it - your mom would stress you out on Christmas and you'd say, 'I'm never doing THIS again!'" I said, "Yes, there were times we fought like cat and dog on Christmas (she had a way of stressing me out over silly things SHE'D get stressed out over) but all the time leading up to it...the getting together, the decorating, the first "nog sighting" and sips...the trips to the mall...all those things were a million times more fun after the birth of my daughter...

    And now it's all gone. And I can't put on an act for anyone that I'm ok, or things are unchanged. Because they are. This is my first year of a new life and learning a new way of partaking in the holidays.

    This year will be sad, clumsy, horrible, miserable and rotten. But it's the start of a new life and I can't be perfect out the gate. And I'm not going to try to.

     
    Old 12-03-2007, 09:20 AM   #21
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    On a positive note, something that gave me comfort was this (pathetic as it sounds):

    Last evening I finally pulled out the quart of egg nog I bought over the weekend. My mom and I were always out looking for the first offerings of egg nog, as we both loved it. We would get all excited and come home, relax, and break open the nog and chat time away as we decorated, or while we enjoyed the decorations.

    This year, I don't have that. But I have nog.

    So, I cracked it open. I looked out the window, upward, and said, "Mom, here's to you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you can see that, and know that." And with that, I drank.

    My mom could see me. I know it.

    I toddled my 4 year-old, DYING to know what I was drinking, and why I was crying looking out the window. I told her I wasn't crying (that's an ok lie, right?) and I was drinking egg nog. "EGG nog? Ew!" was her initial response, followed by, "Can I try some?"

    First sip and she LOVED It. "Mommy, mmmmm, that's good! Gimmie more!" (I find that so odd, given how picky she is with, oh, everything!!)

    So the tradition continues - thanks to my mom up there, my angel - with my daughter and me. She's now an egg nog junkie too.

    Small things like that give me a certain comfort/confidence that she's still with me, doing what she can for me.

     
    Old 12-03-2007, 01:55 PM   #22
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    It will one year on December 26 since I lost my mother. I guess it's somewhat easier but I haven't found that in the past couple of weeks the memories of her last days are hauting me. She died a horrible death from a combo of cancer and heart disease. She suffered for some many years before this as well. Through the diagnosis of heart failure, surgery for a pacemaker, diagnosis of cancer, battling cancer, major surgery as a result of radiation, then recurrence of cancer. Blah!! We were very close. I am the youngest of 5kids and I'm 33. It's so hard grieve like this. I had no idea I could still scream, cry and carry-on like a 3-year old!!


    I think mostly I'm angry right now and I know that's "normal" but I get tired of myself!

    Hang in there everyone. Our moms still love us dearly and we will always have our memories!!

     
    Old 12-04-2007, 07:14 AM   #23
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    [QUOTE=sunshine149;3334193]It will one year on December 26 since I lost my mother. I guess it's somewhat easier but I haven't found that in the past couple of weeks the memories of her last days are hauting me. She died a horrible death from a combo of cancer and heart disease. She suffered for some many years before this as well. Through the diagnosis of heart failure, surgery for a pacemaker, diagnosis of cancer, battling cancer, major surgery as a result of radiation, then recurrence of cancer. Blah!! We were very close. I am the youngest of 5kids and I'm 33. It's so hard grieve like this. I had no idea I could still scream, cry and carry-on like a 3-year old!! [QUOTE]

    I too, Have the hauting memories of my mother's horrible death. She was weak for several years before her actual diagnosis of breast and lung cancer (two primary cancers). Being the oldest of 8 kids I took care of her, worked full time, raised two beautiful daughters, and took care of my disabled son. Now we moved 12 hours away from home, I no longer work, mom is gone, my son has fantastic benefits and help from the state and I am sick too. All I do is sit and feel sorry for myself and cry all the time. I know mom would hate this for me and tell me to pick myself up and get on with life. But I miss her so much. Today, I will decorate the tree for her!

     
    Old 12-04-2007, 07:16 AM   #24
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    [QUOTE=Ruskingirl;3335260][QUOTE=sunshine149;3334193]It will one year on December 26 since I lost my mother. I guess it's somewhat easier but I haven't found that in the past couple of weeks the memories of her last days are hauting me. She died a horrible death from a combo of cancer and heart disease. She suffered for some many years before this as well. Through the diagnosis of heart failure, surgery for a pacemaker, diagnosis of cancer, battling cancer, major surgery as a result of radiation, then recurrence of cancer. Blah!! We were very close. I am the youngest of 5kids and I'm 33. It's so hard grieve like this. I had no idea I could still scream, cry and carry-on like a 3-year old!!
    Quote:

    I too, Have the hauting memories of my mother's horrible death. She was weak for several years before her actual diagnosis of breast and lung cancer (two primary cancers). Being the oldest of 8 kids I took care of her, worked full time, raised two beautiful daughters, and took care of my disabled son. Now we moved 12 hours away from home, I no longer work, mom is gone, my son has fantastic benefits and help from the state and I am sick too. All I do is sit and feel sorry for myself and cry all the time. I know mom would hate this for me and tell me to pick myself up and get on with life. But I miss her so much. Today, I will decorate the tree for her!

     
    Old 12-04-2007, 09:25 PM   #25
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    Sorry to hear about your mom. I know what you are going through. I speak from experiance with the same feelings to. I lost my mom to C.H.F 2 yrs ago on Dec 7. This week will be horrible. I try and do something on that very same day so I don't have to think. Since it has been cold I have been in the house just thinking and today I started to get really sad and weepy and I stopped and I usually stop myself anyway because the way I feel is this.

    She is in no more pain. She is free so how can I be sad anymore when she is free from it all. I can't be sad over that. YES, I miss my mom very much but I also didn't want her to suffer anymore. I always think that she is here with me always because I know she is and that gives me the best feeling of all.

     
    Old 12-05-2007, 06:55 PM   #26
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    Re: Miss My Mom

    i am so sorry to hear about that so many of you have lost your moms, i went to this message by accident but had to write once i started reading. Well when i stopped crying. Hearing everyones input just brings up all the feelings.
    my dad pasted away in march of this year and my best friends mom pasted in january, its still so hard. I am 27 dad was 58 and my friends mom was 59. we grew up together and her mom was amazing, still the idea they are gone it just seems like craziness. Someone told me that it will never get easier but the pain will be less heavy. sometimes i think its true other times i hurt like i did then but i have hope that it will. Even though it was my dad and not mom, my family is so close we just aren't the same its almost like we not only lost dad but a big part of mom.
    i couldn't agree more about the holidays being hard, no thanksgiving was horrible. it sounds horrible but i am also glad to hear that others feel angry and jealous and mad, it makes me feel i guess more normal. it makes me so upset just to see people together and happy, the shopping, the decorating, its not like me usually i am very happy and positive. i still can't listen to christmas music (dad loved it and started playing so early like October or something. funny how the things that drove me the craziest are the things i miss).
    Good for you for putting the tree up!! any step is worth celebrating. Hang in there all. I will be keeping you in my prayers. i am glad i ran across this board. so many of the posting had feelings i have felt its so hard because of the mix of emotions.

    Last edited by rachel12344; 12-05-2007 at 06:59 PM. Reason: left something out

     
    Old 12-08-2007, 08:25 PM   #27
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    Unhappy Re: Miss My Mom

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mmmcoffee View Post
    Hello----

    My Mom died Aug 26...since then, I'm just not 'right'. I am the youngest of 5 kids, and the only girl. I am married, and have two girls (5yrs-9yrs) but Dad has become my main concern. I worry about him alot. and Hate when he's alone. I know it bothers him too--eating dinner alone, sitting down to watch tv alone, just not having someone there to be with or talk to. He does need some time alone, but it's so sad to see him at the table. We've been alternating dinners at one house or the other most times. But after dinner time, I feel so bad to leave.

    Since Mom died, I am sad alot of the time also. There's no way anyone can replace your Mom.....There is only one MOM. My kids and husband love me, and I do them, but it's not the same. Being the only girl, Mom and I were different than the boys. I can't explain it. Every day, a song come on the radio that makes me cry, or I see something, or smell something...isn't that wierd...the smell part?
    Did you go through having an attitude like you didn't care, after your Mom died? Not about family, but about everything else? I did. It was wierd. I didn't give a poop about my job or much else. My family was all that mattered and everyone else and everything else could go to h***. It took a little while to stop feeling that way. Some days I still do though. But not all the time like I used to.

    I don't know your Mom's situation, but there's a song I really like. It still makes me cry sometimes, but most times, it makes me think of Mom and stuff we used to do, or things she used to say. It's called "Walking Her Home" by Mark Schultz. I happened to hear it on the radio a couple of weeks before Mom died, and never forgot the words or the title.

    For those of us who have lost our Mom's, I think there is part of us that will always be sad, always feel empty. There is no love like Mom's. It can't be replaced. Just hang onto the feeling, that's what I do sometimes. Try to remember the fun stuff you did, the way she laughed, her little quirky ways or habits....stuff like that.


    Please write back. I'd like to know how you're doing. You may even be able to help me at times too. Have a good day. And remember your Mom. She's smiling down at you, I'm sure.

    mmmcoffee
    I had to respond to you mmmcoffee, my mom died the day before. I was somewhat prepared as she was ill with several things but it happened so suddenly its amazing I made a 3 hours drive in one piece. She was brain dead when I got there, it was awful. We were not as close over the past 10 years but we were closer when I was a kid. What also caught me about your post was the comment about the song, I have strong memories of her and my mother's mother and somewhere over the rainboxw. Now I'm dealing with a father who had a triple bypass and 3 strokes and so the sense of loss takes a back seat but when I don't expect it, it comes out. I lost it saying goodnight to my 7 year old last night. She wasn't my best friend but she was my mom and I know she wanted the best for me. I'm so sad at how she went because she was trapped in a body that didn't work and was mad at the world. She changed. It was hard to deal with. I feel like I'm not supposed to show too much grief in front of my son and my husband really doesn not understand.
    As other people mentioned, sometimes I just want to stay in bed or have some time to just deal with it. I got 3 days off from my job but that included the time we had to plan for her funeral. I live two states away and the worst part was she died a week before I had time off to see her. I'm not passed that.When my dad had his surgery and then strokes, I spent 3 days in his hospital room. I just couldn't lose them both within a few monts and if I was I was going to be there. He is improving but I feel like I should be there more. The loss of a parent is a major life event and I feel it. I hope I can be some comfort to thers. I'm glad I found this board.

     
    Old 12-29-2007, 06:20 AM   #28
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    Re: Miss My Mom



    Thanks for the responses. I feel bad about not being online or able to post in such a long time. You know how it is when you get busy with things and life etc etc. I have read many posts but haven't had the energy to write or respond to them.

    Well, we survived Christmas. My husband, myself and our 2 girls had a sleep over at Pop's on Christmas Eve. I didn't think he'd want to be alone, and I couldn't bear the thought of him being there alone either. After much discussion, he decided it was okay and he would like to have us there. The way he'd get to play Santa and all that stuff. Dad is doing okay somedays. It was hard on Christmas every time one of the boys called (I have 4 brothers), then he would get emotional. It was a busy day with two of the brothers and their families stopping in. At about 7pm, we packed up all the kids toys/gifts and overnight bags and it was time to head back to our own house. We only live a mile away. I said goodnight and Merry Christmas and gave him a kiss. He asked what we were doing later. I said nothing, and he asked if it was okay if he came over later. We had been at his house for over 24 hrs. but I guess he just didn't want to be alone. So he came over for tea/cake later that night. It would be so much easier if we lived in the same house sometimes! Which has come up in conversation, but we'll wait and see.

    What will be difficult, is January. It will be Mom and Dad's 59th anniversary. It is the day before my daughter's 10th birthday.

    I think I'm doing okay now. I still have my moments, but I have pictures of Mom all over and I wear two of her rings every day. I think of her every time I look at them. It has gotten easier being at Dad's without her there. I actually love being there. It seems to make me feel better alot. Dad has mom in the living room (as he puts it). Her urn is on one of the cabinets with pictures of her, her mom's crusifix and flowers that we refresh every week. That's been one of the little things I like doing. I buy Mom flowers every week. When we sleep over, the sofabed is near 'Mom' so we say goodnight to her too. I guess it could be considered wierd, but everyone's different I guess. It's hard to find a new 'normal' without her. But we're adjusting I guess. Dad still is having a harder time than I wish he'd have. He cries alot. Has been taking different rx's for sleep--none of which really work.

    We are taking a family vacation in Feb...compliments of one of my brothers. Dad, me, husband,2 girls and brother are going away for a week. We all desperately need it. My 9 yr old keeps saying that maybe "we'll be able to refresh and start over" (which surprised me for a 9 yr old!) I'm hoping that is the case. Dad is upset about going without Mom, but she never would have traveled. He keeps saying " I wish we did this last year" but deep down he knows she wouldn't have gone.

    Our 6 yr old still cries and says "she misses Grammy" at times, but not as often as she used to. She has a picture of Grammy right by her bed, she wanted it there. She looks at it and says she misses playing house with Grammy.

    I'm sorry for rambling so much. It's been so long since I've written, it makes me feel better to vent and let it all out. New Years Eve, the girls are staying at Dad's. They used to watch the ball drop with Grammy,. So IF they can stay awake, they'll do it with Pop this year. That is, IF he can stay awake!

    Thank you all for responses and sharing your stories and experiences. I doubt any of this has helped anyone, but it helps me to write it all down. And thank you for listening. I hope the holidays were okay for everyone. We also did put the tree up, but wasn't really into it. It sat there for 4 days before I decorated it. The girls weren't really that excited about doing it either. I can't wait to take it down. I hate staring at it. maybe that's a good Saturday activity for today. I just want to put all the Holiday stuff away and forget about it sometimes. Thank you again. I'll try to write more often.

    ---mmmcoffee


    Last edited by mmmcoffee; 12-29-2007 at 06:30 AM.

     
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