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  • Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

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    Old 12-04-2007, 06:34 AM   #16
    hillaryb
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    Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

    Your mom needs to butt out. And that's all I have to say about that.

     
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    Old 12-04-2007, 06:53 AM   #17
    happymom28
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    Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

    I only got about halfway through the thread before hitting the reply button so forgive me if I repeat anything.

    My opinion, don't wait until March or April (I presume when you lease is up ) to re-evaluate this relationship. Do your girlfriend and her child a favor and leave now. Here is why:

    1) You are very reluctant to care for her daughter for at least another 8 years and take on the "step father" role. Her daughter deserves better than that. She deserves for her mother to be with a man who accepts her as part of her mother's life and who isn't counting down the days for her to leave home. If my husband thought anything like you do in this matter I never would have gotten serious with him. A child deserves a step-parent that doesn't consider them a burden. I get the impression that is all this child will be to you.

    2) You are obviously very influenced by what you mother has to say about your girlfriend and her daughter. They deserve a man who will stick up for them and who will think for himself. I'm sorry, but at 37 years old you should be able to tell your mother to mind her own business when it comes to your personal relationships. If you are not willing to do that then please spare your girlfriend from having to deal with your mother and cut her loose now.

    3) You are reluctant to take on any of her family as your own. I don't see how you can contemplate having a future with someone and be so cold about their family (meaning her daughter, mother, etc..). Just because they don't come from all the money that your family does does not mean they are bad people or they are going to suck you dry the first chance they get. That is such a close minded way of viewing people in a lower financial status than you.

    I hope for your sake your girlfriend doesn't come on here and read what you have said about her and her family. If she had half a brain in her head she would tell you where to go and how to get there. I'm thinking you should cut your losses with this girlfriend and let her find a real man so you can be free to find a woman of the same "socioeconomic" class to please your mother!

     
    Old 12-05-2007, 01:14 PM   #18
    elnino
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    Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

    The last couple days have been very difficult for the both of us, but ultimately we agreed that we have a good thing going and are going to stay together. The comments of Happy Mother are typical of some of the comments that have been critical of my behavior and that of my family and, so, I will address them one by one.

    1. Actually, I get along very well with my girlfriend's daughter and, the thing that changed recently that made me think a little bit more about this was moving into a house with my girlfriend and her daughter. Previously, we had been living separately. What makes it difficult, sometimes, is not thinking about how that child is acting presently (she is 10 years old), but contemplating how she is going to be in the future and I know that I was a difficult child. It is not that I consider her child to be a "burden", but I do prefer the time that my girlfriend and I spend without her. (We do like to go on "date nights" and have time to ourselves.) In that, I am just being honest. In any case, there was a minor concern and I voiced it. In my opinion, it is better off to resolve all problems before getting married then to get married, only to get divorced subsequently after. Problems never get resolved until both her and I voice whatever concerns that we might have.

    2. I have spoken with my girlfriend at length about the subject and, essentially, what I would like to have happen would be for everyone to get along as they had been getting along before the Thanksgiving "incident." I have reiterated, on numerous occasions, that none of this was her fault, whatsoever, and that I agreed that she was being unfairly judged. I have never said otherwise, That said, it would be nice if everyone were "onboard" so that the next time that we get together, the feeling can be one of understanding and, hopefully, mutual respect. I have never understood it to be the case that my parent's opinions are dispositive on the issue of my marriage and I always intended to make my own, independent decision. That said, as I stated previously, it was my hope that I would be able to resolve this issue by listening to both sides, but ultimately understanding that it was my own decision.

    3. With respect to the final point, I continue to maintain that I feel like I have no obligation, whatsoever, to take care of any of her family should it become necessary. They have never made any provisions that I know of on their own behalves to provide for themselves in retirement or in sickness and have, instead, chosen to spend it on themselves. Now that I am here, this is not some kind of version of the dole and that is a role that I will not undertake. I do not think that they are bad people, whatsoever, just irresponsible with respect to the run-of-the-mill necessities that come up for people over the years.

     
    Old 12-05-2007, 01:52 PM   #19
    happymom28
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    Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

    Hi elnino,

    Well I am glad that your girlfriend and you were able to talk about things. Communication is the one of the most important things in a relationship.

    I too enjoy the time I have alone with my husband. Believe me, there are days when I wish we could run away until both the girls are in college. The most important thing is that you love your girlfriend's daughter and ensure that she doesn't feel that you think of her as a burden. She has a father (my oldest's father isn't in her life anymore) so she is lucky. You are able to be a positive role model without handing out disipline.

    The extended families don't always get along no matter how hard you try. You may want to skip blending them together for a while to avoid these issues. Who knows, maybe in time it will get better, but don't be surprised or disappointed if it doesn't.

    I would never ever tell you that you should feel obligated to carry their retirement for them. All I meant (and maybe didn't word it the best) is that you shouldn't just assume that is what they think will happen. A lot of parents are too proud to go to their children no matter how hard times are.

    I do hope that the next time your mother gets going you are able to nip it in the bud for your girlfriend's sake. You want her to see that she is the most important woman to you in actions not just words. I'm sorry, but your mother is pretty out of line. There should be a nice way of telling her that without making a huge fuss (hopefully).

     
    Old 12-05-2007, 04:41 PM   #20
    Laylah
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    Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    I would never ever tell you that you should feel obligated to carry their retirement for them.
    Nor would I Elnino; we all have an obligation to be responsible for ourselves.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    All I meant (and maybe didn't word it the best) is that you shouldn't just assume that is what they think will happen.
    OP, why do you assume that is what they think will happen? Why do you assume you'll be treated like "some kind of version of the dole"?

    I'm sorry, but it seems to me you have a dim view of your in-laws; it seems to me you think they have no self-respect, and from what you've said I can only gather you think so because they are not from the same "socio-economic" class as yourself. There's a term for that sort of attitude Elnino; it's called 'class prejudice'.

     
    Old 12-06-2007, 11:52 AM   #21
    pendulum
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    Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by elnino View Post
    ...

    Has anyone ever dealt with the situation like this and how did you resolved, if it got resolved at all?

    Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.
    Well, I have been there. I was about the same age as you are now. The woman had two children from a previous marriage and came from a disadvantaged family, just like your girl. It didn't work out for me or should I say for both of us. While we were living in separate houses, my relationship with kids was if not great quite passable. As soon as we moved together, I started to have problems with the boy (about 12) and later with the girl (three years younger). Also, my relationship with her deteriorated, because she had a very bad temper, she was always on her kids' side (never on mine, even when I was right, and she knew I was) and I found that the educational gap between the two of us was much deeper than I had first imagined. Besides, she had suicidal tendencies.

    I will spare you the rest of my odyssey, because it was very painful and long until we finally managed to part.

    Although I should not predict the future of your relationship, I am afraid that the prognosis is not good. Actually, your mother's opinion seems quite irrelevant to the case in point, although as an aged and experienced person, she probably can see better than you here.

    Last edited by pendulum; 12-06-2007 at 11:54 AM.

     
    Old 12-07-2007, 10:58 AM   #22
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    Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

    First off, I am extremely surprised that you have been in this relationship for three years and you didn’t consider these things before you decided to be a part of hers and her daughter’s lives. You are 37 years old and you need to grow up! You made the decision to be with this woman because she has a wonderful personality, she’s always smiling and you love her! Does your mother want to know how many dumps you take a day? It’s really none of her concern if you ask me. She really shouldn’t have commented on your gf. To tell you the truth, I think that is extremely disrespectful and you should have let that be known to your mother.

    I honestly think that you have caused a lot of unneeded drama. I would advise you to stop trying to be the ‘peace keeper’ because it’s doing nothing but creating conflict. When your mother started her rambling, you should have stopped it right then and there!

    So, this has been causing fights between you and your gf? Of course, I’m sure that this has made her feel like complete crap that you, after THREE years are belittling her because of things that she cannot help. I’m sure that she feels ganged up on and unaccepted. That’s a horrible feeling. Dude, she deserves better than that. Shame on you man! This thread has completely discussed me!!!!

    As far as her daughter, I can tell that you don’t have any biological children of your own because you have such a negative attitude towards children.

    My advice to you would be to work on YOURSELF! Just ask yourself these questions.

    How would you feel if they weren’t a part of your life?
    What would you miss?
    How has your presents affected her daughter?

     
    Old 12-11-2007, 03:03 PM   #23
    elnino
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    Re: Mother Dissaproves of Girlfriend

    Pendulum: Thanks for your insight on this subject, I appreciate it. It seems as though my situation might be a little easier than your situation. I, myself, do not have too many concerns about her disadvantaged background and the educational gap, because she works for one of the largest insurance companies in the country, holds a steady job and probably makes more than the average family in the United States. Not that this is important to me, in and of itself, but I have never had any problems with her not being able to hold her own in a conversation and she is always a great asset to any gathering. My situation might be also a little easier because she only has one daughter, 50% of the time, and her daughter is exceedingly well behaved. My girlfriend does not have too bad of a temper, although I am somewhat concerned about some of her drinking habits on occasion. In any case, the issue of drinking is one that we can address, separately, and has nothing to do with any of the concerns of my parents, for example.

    JulJul22: Whether the statistic that "50% of all marriages end in divorce" is precisely correct or not, it remains the case that many marriages do, in fact, and in a divorce. Whether it is 49%, 47% or 51%, there is some substantial number of marriages that do, in fact, and in a divorce. My girlfriend and I dated for about two years and then moved in together. Anyone who has ever dated someone else can tell you that, usually, things change somewhat when you move in together and new problems arise that had not been there, previously. I do not think that it is wrong of me to make sure that the relationship is everything that all parties want before going forward and getting married. I think that if everyone is not on the same page, it would be a bad idea. In addition, the as you probably know, if any breakups are to happen, it would always be preferable for those breakups to happen during the course of us dating and not after a short, but contentious, marriage.

     
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