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    Old 12-17-2007, 08:36 PM   #1
    gmp377
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    My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    I have been with my boyfriend for a little under a year and he and I get along great, except for one thing: his mother has never liked me, for no apparent reason. It has done nothing but gotten progressively worse as time passes. It's like the more serious she thinks we are getting, the more she hates me and tries to make my life and relationship with her son difficult. She barely spoke to me the first time I ever went to my boyfriend's parent's house to meet them. His dad and his sister both seem fine with me. They seem to really like me. Everytime my boyfriend and I get into an argument, she senses that he is upset and then proceeds to take our argument personally, like it had happened directly to her, then she holds a grudge against me.

    My boyfriend is currently in between jobs and is living at home again for a brief stint. I have been to their house three times in the whole time he and I have been dating and she was never friendly and really didn't speak to me at all, but it wasn't overly uncomfortable. Now, when my boyfriend wants me to come there and spend time with him and his family, she says that their house isn't really "made for entertaining" and that there isn't enough room for she and I to have our space, whatever that means. She has also said that she won't have me there spending time with he and his family over Christmas. I can't even spend the holidays with my boyfriend's side of the family.

    The fact that she seemingly dislikes me for no reason is really getting to me. My boyfriend takes my side and has stuck up for me on many occasions. He has told his mother that he doesn't appreciate the way that she treats me, but she says that she is just really upset with me and needs some time to get over it before things can "return to normal," but they've never been good. She has always treated me like the red-headed stepchild, so to speak. I love my boyfriend and I love our relationship. I just don't love his mother and never will. I absolutely don't believe in hating people, but right now I'm having such a difficult time not feeling that way about her. I mean, I can't even talk to her about it. She and I just don't talk. It's been that way for almost a year now.

    If anyone has been through this or has some good advice, I could really use some right now. This is driving me up the wall. The stress from this is about to make me implode and I don't want my boyfriend's ridiculous mother causing problems between he and I. Please help!

    Last edited by gmp377; 12-17-2007 at 08:37 PM.

     
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    Old 12-17-2007, 08:52 PM   #2
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by gmp377 View Post
    She has also said that she won't have me there spending time with he and his family over Christmas. I can't even spend the holidays with my boyfriend's side of the family.
    Well OP, hers certainly doesn't sound like a personality I'd want to encounter in a partners mother, but at the end of the day it is her home and her business who she's prepared to have in it over the holidays.

    Is there any sign of you two moving in together? If you had your own place you wouldn't need to worry about her very much anymore. Have you both considered that or discussed it?

     
    Old 12-17-2007, 08:57 PM   #3
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    This is really hard and it can be quite awful. I have the opposite problem - my daughter-in-law does not like me, never has, makes no effort no matter what I do for them. Perhaps it is (imagined) competition for the attention of the son. It will be particularly hard while he is living with his family, but hopefully this is a temporary thing. I can't see it getting better while he is there. All I can advise is to endeavour to always be the one who will not make waves, be correct and polite, pleasant and give her no excuse to be even worse. Live for the day when he can move out! Sera

     
    Old 12-17-2007, 09:36 PM   #4
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    Thanks to both of you for the replies! We aren't planning on moving in together anytime soon. We haven't been together long enough yet that I feel comfortable with that. However, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will be moving out as soon as he starts his new job after the first of the year. I know, however, that my boyfriend moving out doesn't mean that she will be out of his life. She will be much more removed from him and I'm sure he won't talk to her much or be visiting often once he starts doing his own thing again and living elsewhere, but she is still his mother. I just want everyone to get along. I would love to spend the holidays with he and his family, but it looks like that's not going to happen. I guess I will just have to accept that fact that she probably isn't going to change her mind about me, at least not any time soon.

    When my boyfriend asks her about her feelings toward me, she says she doesn't know how to act around me, that she is unsure what to do or say, and that she gets upset when he and I fight because she doesn't want her little boy getting hurt. I think she feels like I'm moving in on her territory. She has alot of emotional problems anyway and I wonder sometimes if she is bothered by problems totally unrelated to me, but I am a convenient and available target to vent those negative feelings on. Ugh...it's just never-ending.

    To Seraph: I understand how you feel, even though the situation is reversed. I honestly think problems like these are just better left alone. Avoid the person if possible and when you are around them, be as nice as possible so you don't give them any cause to REALLY dislike you. Some people just aren't going to be happy no matter what you do, but at least you'll have the peace of mind that it isn't your fault.

    Last edited by gmp377; 12-17-2007 at 09:39 PM.

     
    Old 12-18-2007, 08:00 AM   #5
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    I think it is very positive that your boyfriend is on your side and sticks up for you. What struck me is when you said "she doesn't want her little boy getting hurt". She isn't ready to let him go and I really think she feels threatened by your relationship with his son. Are you his first serious girlfriend? If you don't mind me asking, how old are the both of you?

    I agree with Seraph, don't be the one to make the waves. Be polite and nice to her when you are given the opportunity. In time she may come to accept you as part of her son's life, but then again she may not. But as long as you are being the "bigger person" you won't be responsible for her feelings.

    I have to tell you, my mother was ruthless with my brother's fiance (now wife) for the first 5 years of their relationship. They were young, she got pregnant, and my mother gave them a place to stay. My SIL has cystic fibrosis and she had a tough pregnancy. My brother (being young and stupid) didn't know how to handle the resposibilities of being a new dad so this caused a lot of arguments. Naturally my mother sided with my brother because he was "her baby" even though 90% of the time he was clearly wrong. My mother and SIL get along a lot better now. There are still tensions, but my SIL has learned to let things go. I also think the fact that she has gotten so sick the past couple of years has really played into my mother changing her attitude, but that's another topic all together.

    Last edited by happymom28; 12-18-2007 at 08:01 AM.

     
    Old 12-18-2007, 08:20 AM   #6
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    I wonder if she'd be more apt to have you over for Christmas if you BF was more interested in spending the holiday with you than without you. It's really a bummer she's being so difficult... definitely sounds like she's having a very rough time letting go of her son, but... that's life. She's going to have to deal with it at some point or risk wedging a huge distance between them. It's good your bf sticks up for you... it sucks he has to live at home with her right now.

    I think you have the right plan, not to make waves with this woman. It just sucks you're going to have to walk on eggshells whenever she's around just because she's having a difficult time after a year of him being close with you. She's going to have to either accept it or deal w/ the sad consequences she creates for herself, eventually :\

     
    Old 12-18-2007, 08:29 AM   #7
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    Thanks again to everyone for all the advice. To answer HappyMom, I am 22 and he is about to turn 24. He has dated other women in the past, but none of them made it to the "take you home to meet momma" phase. If the others met his parents, it was in a more informal setting (like they ran into one another at a basketball game or a restaurant) and he never formally brough them home. He took me home to meet her and it has been weird ever since.

    I think the general concensus I'm getting from everyone is just to not make waves, avoid her if at all possible, when we have to be together be as nice as possible (even if I feel like I'm having to tippy-toe around her feelings), and just don't worry about the holidays. My boyfriend and I will be together during that time - we'll just be with my family instead of his. Any further advice or comments is welcome.

     
    Old 12-18-2007, 08:31 AM   #8
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    As another side note, my boyfriend has a somewhat mild case of cerebral palsy. Do you think his mother is being more protective because of this than she normally would be or do you think it is totally unrelated to her action toward me?

     
    Old 12-18-2007, 09:20 AM   #9
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by gmp377 View Post
    As another side note, my boyfriend has a somewhat mild case of cerebral palsy. Do you think his mother is being more protective because of this than she normally would be or do you think it is totally unrelated to her action toward me?
    Well it is definately possible that his cerebral palsy is playing a factor in this. I know a lot of mothers of sons have a hard time accepting another woman in their child's life and I'm sure his condition makes it even harder for her since she probably thinks that nobody will take as good of care of him as she does. She has most likely spent his entire life being over protective of him and that switch isn't going to turn off that easily. Again, it's not fair for her to treat you that way and I'm certainly not excusing her behavior. But I can see from a mother's perspective trying to protect her child. Unfortunately she really is doing quite the opposite here. I imagine your boyfriend must be pretty fed up with her attitude towards you.

     
    Old 12-18-2007, 11:11 AM   #10
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    Well, if you can't spend the holidays at his house, then I guess he is going to spend it at your house, right? Then his mother will be upset that he is not home with her, but he needs to send the message that the two of you are a couple and she must learn to accept you.

    Honestly, I can't say that your relationship will get better with your BF's mother. My MIL and I have not gotten along since my DH and I married 4 years ago. I had to think long and hard if I wanted to marry my hubby b/c of his mother. However, he was/is the love of my life and I knew I wanted to be with him, in spite of his mother.

    One thing you must talk to your BF about is that he should NOT be going to his mother when he has a fight with you. That is wrong for any adult to do. He needs to work it out with you or talk to a close friend. Parents should not be involved in fights.

    Best of luck. I am sorry to say that I don't see a solution to this, and I am afraid it will only get worse. I only say that b/c I have gone through the same thing.

     
    Old 08-25-2008, 02:01 PM   #11
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    UPDATE: I'm so thrilled to say that everything is much better with my boyfriend's mother! This relationship must just be meant to be because I don't even know how things got better between the two of us. I had given up hope of ever having a relationship with his family, but I was just up there WITHOUT MY BOYFRIEND on the 4th of July to visit his sister and she, his mother and I all went shopping with no incident. His mother and I actually had a normal conversation and though I still feel to some degree that she resents the fact that I've "taken her baby boy away," things are so much better that I can't even complain. Thanks to everyone for the support.

     
    Old 08-25-2008, 07:23 PM   #12
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    Re: My Boyfriend's Mother Hates Me

    Great to hear some good news for a change! In this case, I guess niceness and persistance really paid off for you! I wish you all the best!

    Mileena

     
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