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  • Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

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    Old 12-14-2007, 01:28 PM   #16
    Laylah
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    Yeah true, it's not like that though. I am not looking for 'THAT'. This is strictly a on the 'emotion, love, feeling' side of things. I'm the type of person that completely believes that there truly is that one special person out there for everyone.
    Well I'm very glad I don't believe that Bryce, cause I reckon I'd have a long search looking for that 'special one' trawling through all the potential mates on this planet! I think there are hundreds of thousands of people each person can cultivate deep and genuine feelings of love for and find it reciprocated in kind.

    Also, I'd just like to make myself clear on one point; I in no way, shape or form think you are a bad person for feeling this way. I've yet to meet the person who could control their own feelings, I don't imagine it's possible. I just don't think we're wired that way. What I do think though, is that we have a choice when it comes to how we act on those feelings.

    You already know that I wouldn't advise it, but if you do determine to go ahead with breaking up with your gf in order to start something up with her sister there's only one possible route towards damage limitation, and that's to take Happymoms advice regarding telling your current partner BEFORE you tell her sister. If you do it the other way round you can be assured she will never forgive you and whatever feelings of betrayal and resentment the situation will cause will manifest themselves tenfold, and I mean from the family's perspective too; at least if they found out you'd come clean to the sister you'd spent ten years with they may see that as your having taken the least dishonorable route and it might soften the blow for them somewhat, perhaps leaving the door open for you to mend your bridges with them in time to come. (And be warned; you needn't consider taking the sneaky route of telling one sister on the QT and asking her to make out the other one heard it first - let me tell you, sisters know each other too well for that!)

    Let us know how the situation progresses, and I hope there are no hard feelings as a result of my stance here; after all, I cant help how I feel either! lol

     
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    Old 12-14-2007, 02:03 PM   #17
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Hmmm...... from a woman's point of view and from someone who ended up marrying a man who was not "in love" (hubby kept that little part to himself until 10 years and 2 kids later) with me, don't spend one more minute with someone who does not feel as you do.

    Spending your life with someone who you know is not right for you is bound to lead to heartache and you are already feeling that. End the current relationship out of love and respect for your girlfriend, as well as for yourself. Then see what happens after that. If you and the sister are meant for each other, then somehow that door will be opened. If not, at least you are free to find your soul mate. Good luck!

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 02:27 PM   #18
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    I think I am even more confused then ever now. This is exactly why I came on here though, to get some advice. This really does suck though, as I feel like I'm nothing but this horrible person who is going to do nothing but cause alot of hurt and pain.

    I feel like whatever happens, it'll cause problems. If I say nothing, then I live the way I have or try to forget how I really feel. If I say something, I risk causing an uproar in a bunch of people's lives. If I say nothing, I guess I have to deny my heart and my feelings. If I say something, it could turn out to be something that only in my dreams and wishes could I ever imagine.

    Chances are though, that I'll just screw things up and it's probably better that I don't say anything, deal with it inside and hopefully not cause myself to much depression or give myself a breakdown in the future.

    It's just hard when you know there's someone that you do know is more suited for you and you can't have them, I feel like finding a bridge right about now..... (don't worry, it's just an expression but seriously, why does life have to be this difficult?).....

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 02:37 PM   #19
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Hey Bryce

    Are you even sure that her sister has feelings for you, other than a friend? From how wonderful you make her sound, I really doubt that she is going to take this further. You are risking losing both, in my opinion. I understand that you want to be honest but don't you wonder how YOU would feel if the one you have trusted and loved for 10 years is so into your brother, and actually wondering whether they should make this public? This is going to be hurtful. Did you even try to discuss with her the lack of intimacy on her part?

    I know this is not what you want but I truly think that this is an invitation for drama and upset on all parts. Yes, please, do your gf a favour and let go of her so that she can build her life with someone who will be more 'fulfilled' with her. You mentioned that you are in your late 20s, is your gf the same age? I don't think that this is too young to start off new romance, as opposed to rebound.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 03:02 PM   #20
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Maybe you're confused because all of us have a different opinion about your issue.

    Why do you think that everyone else's feelings (gfs family primarily) are more important than your own? Afterall, it's your life and they aren't living it, you are! You have a right to to be true to yourself. Nobody else will live your life for you and nobody would expect you to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. That would be insane!

    People break up all the time and families eventually do get over it. This is no different. It's just HUGE when it happens to us. If you go about this the right way, you should have nothing to be sorry for and then at least the pain that comes from this situation is not from deceit or lies, but from you being true to yourself as you have a God given right to do.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 10:07 PM   #21
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    I think I am even more confused then ever now. This is exactly why I came on here though, to get some advice. This really does suck though, as I feel like I'm nothing but this horrible person who is going to do nothing but cause alot of hurt and pain.

    I feel like whatever happens, it'll cause problems. If I say nothing, then I live the way I have or try to forget how I really feel. If I say something, I risk causing an uproar in a bunch of people's lives. If I say nothing, I guess I have to deny my heart and my feelings. If I say something, it could turn out to be something that only in my dreams and wishes could I ever imagine.

    Chances are though, that I'll just screw things up and it's probably better that I don't say anything, deal with it inside and hopefully not cause myself to much depression or give myself a breakdown in the future.

    It's just hard when you know there's someone that you do know is more suited for you and you can't have them, I feel like finding a bridge right about now..... (don't worry, it's just an expression but seriously, why does life have to be this difficult?).....
    Bryce, I'm sorry you're more confused than ever, but please don't be so down on yourself. You're just a romantic, that's all. I tell ya, I HAVE trawled through literally hundreds of men and in 10 years of dating around I haven't had so much as a second date. I believe just like you, that some people are blessed with a soul mate, that one special person they belong with, they are supposed to be with, and if you shine that person on, you could wind up alone for the rest of your life, or at least wind up having to settle for someone you don't love nearly as much and aren't nearly as happy with as you could have been with that other person. You could look high and low all over the world for the rest of your life and never find another person who just does it for you like that one special person does. I think some people are emotionally capable of falling in love with pretty much anyone, but others feel deeper, experience emotions more deeply, require more of an emotional connection and compatibility, and those people, like me, and I assume like you, can't just snap their fingers and find a lover around the next corner, and fall in love with just anyone.

    I can think of many many well known couples who met when they were both married to other people, or one was engaged to someone else, or something like that. Yeah people got hurt for a while, I'm not saying you don't have a responsibility to the woman who has shared your life for the last 10 years. I am saying is, if you've found that one special person for you, then you'd be a fool to let her go, no matter who might object. The flip side to what I said before about my ex and my not holding his love against him, if his wife is better suited for him, then I can accept that. I would have appreciated it if he hadn't trashed me along the way, and I still would appreciate an apology from him for the disrespect and the lies, but not for not loving me. The flip side to that is, I gotta say, after so many years of being so alone and so miserable, horrible blind date after horrible blind date, feeling like I'll never know love, etc. if I finally did meet that one special man in 3.5 billion that I could really love and who could actually really love me back, that one man in the world who was meant for me, if there were anyone who wanted to stand in my way and say "uh-uh, this would hurt me too much, any man in the world but HIM" well... that person would just have to learn to live with disappointment.

    I do agree you should talk to your girlfriend first, like I said, be respectful and honest with her, talk it all out. When it's done, you can then speak to her sister but NOT to make any romantic overatures, but simply to tell her what happened between you and her sister, that you're sorry it didn't work out, but that you value her friendship and you hope you can still stay friends with her. And go from there.

    I wish you so much luck in this. I know it's hard. But really, sometimes we only get one shot at happiness. There really isn't anything all that noble in sacrificing what could be your one chance at happiness in life just because some people would have a problem with it for a little while. And as someone who is doomed to a life of loneliness and solitude, someone who will never have this chance that you have, I consider it an insult when someone is blessed with the opportunity to have real love and they don't take it, for whatever reason.

     
    Old 12-15-2007, 04:58 AM   #22
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    I do agree you should talk to your girlfriend first, like I said, be respectful and honest with her, talk it all out. When it's done, you can then speak to her sister but NOT to make any romantic overatures, but simply to tell her what happened between you and her sister, that you're sorry it didn't work out, but that you value her friendship and you hope you can still stay friends with her. And go from there.
    Exactly. Just take it one step at a time. The bottom line is that YOU can't go on living the way you are. The most important feelings in your life are your own. Of course you don't want to hurt anyone in the process, but sometimes we can't control that.

    I too know several couples who have met while dating/being engaged/married to someone else. Sometimes that happens. It's all in the way you handle it. You already said that you would never cheat on your girlfriend so that says a lot right there. Now it is time to be honest with yourself. It may never work with her sister, but you already know that it's not working with her. What do you have to lose? You deserve to find your own happiness Bryce!

     
    Old 12-15-2007, 08:21 AM   #23
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Perhaps your feelings for the sister just highlight the fact that you are not totally fulfilled with your gf. I'm certainly not faulting your gf, but the thing is that you have a certain idea of what you want in a relationship and she's not ever going to reciprocate that. She's not romantic and doesn't appreciate romance - she thinks it's lame, etc. Do you think it's possible for you to feel totally fulfilled by a relationship devoid of romance? Like I said, I'm not faulting your gf, I'm just meaning to say that while you two love each other, it might not be a great match - certainly not in the romance department. What are the choices here? Either she changes and suddenly embraces romance (not likely) or you change and suddenly abandon romance (more likely that you'll not change but yet abandon it and be unfulfilled). She'll always think romance is lame and you'll long for it. You'll both end up not getting what you want from the other. You can love someone to bits, but that doesn't change the fact that in an important area, you'll both be unfulfilled. The fact that you're having these feelings for her sister should be the big hint you need - didn't you say she's just like your gf, except she's on the same wave length re. the romance/caring?? So basically, she's exactly what you want - your gf + romance. That should be telling you that you just can't stay with your gf. Not because you've got feelings for her sister, but because your gf's not all that you want. Your gf, while having many great qualities, is lacking something that's important to you. That will never change. As I'm sure you've figured that out over the last decade.

    I'm sure the thought of her sister is really tempting - you're not really losing anything, you're just gaining all the missing romance. But I have to say, I wouldn't be quick to tell the sister your feelings. Even if the sister wouldn't say anything, it's not really fair of you to put her in that position. And it's not fair to your gf either. Just remember - you can walk away from the whole thing if you want - those two are stuck with each other. And a rift between them will affect a lot of people. I'm sorry I'm not sugar coating this but, the chances of you breaking up with your gf and getting together with her sister not causing a huge lasting problem are about ZERO.

    So I think your feelings for the sister should just let you know that it's time to end things with your gf. But I would very strongly advise you against ever revealing your feelings to the sister. As so many others have said - these are not the only two women on earth. You're not happy with one sister, you can't have the other. You've just got look elsewhere.

     
    Old 12-15-2007, 08:39 AM   #24
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    you should talk to your girlfriend first, like I said, be respectful and honest with her, talk it all out. When it's done, you can then speak to her sister but NOT to make any romantic overatures, but simply to tell her what happened between you and her sister, that you're sorry it didn't work out, but that you value her friendship and you hope you can still stay friends with her. And go from there.
    I agree that if the OP goes ahead with this, this is certainly the way to go. In fact I think if he goes ahead with this it is the only way to go.

    I wouldn't be too certain that it will necessarily all go to plan though Bryce; what if your gf surprises you by telling you she loves you and wants to fight for your relationship? What if your talk about splitting up induces her to suggest relationship counselling or go on a vacation together or work on healing things between you in every possible way? What will you do from there? I think you need to cover all eventualities in your mind because this sounds to me like a real loose-cannon situation; one that could go in any direction possible and probably the one you'd least expect.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    There really isn't anything all that noble in sacrificing what could be your one chance at happiness in life just because some people would have a problem with it for a little while.
    In fairness LLM, I don't think any of us here are positioned to say that this woman, whose feelings and perspective we've heard nothing of, is liable to "have a problem with it for a little while". It is simply not fair or safe to assume how this would impact on the OP's partner based on a few lines of his perception that she is not as outwardly romantic as he is. Some people are not as demonstrative as others regarding their deeper feelings; that dosent mean they're not feeling them. My own partner is a perfect case in point. I think after a decade long relationship (and obviously her first serious relationship given her length of time with the OP) she'd be far more likely to be emotionally devastated and stripped of her trust in men in a manner that would affect her for the rest of her life.

    I've only been with my partner half that length of time, and he is not my first serious partner either, but if he broke up with me and took up with my sister, I can tell you directly; I'd be crippled emotionally, I would never get over it, and I would never fully trust a man again.

    Until and unless the OP's gf comes on here and tells us her feelings on the matter, we cannot assume this would be a blip on the radar for her, in fact I think it is unreasonable and illogical to assume so.

    I'm curious Bryce; obviously you know the woman after this length of time; how do you imagine your gf would receive the news?

    Last edited by Laylah; 12-15-2007 at 08:43 AM.

     
    Old 12-15-2007, 09:06 PM   #25
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    In fairness LLM, I don't think any of us here are positioned to say that this woman, whose feelings and perspective we've heard nothing of, is liable to "have a problem with it for a little while". It is simply not fair or safe to assume how this would impact on the OP's partner based on a few lines of his perception that she is not as outwardly romantic as he is. Some people are not as demonstrative as others regarding their deeper feelings; that dosent mean they're not feeling them. My own partner is a perfect case in point. I think after a decade long relationship (and obviously her first serious relationship given her length of time with the OP) she'd be far more likely to be emotionally devastated and stripped of her trust in men in a manner that would affect her for the rest of her life.
    Well, in fairness, I was speaking more generally, like these women's family, parents, siblings, etc. But when it comes to the girlfriend, yes, you're right, I have no idea just how hard she would take it, but as harsh as this may seem, I think the bottom line is, it doesn't really matter. When my ex told his little white lies and slipped away and married the exact opposite of the kind of woman he told me he wanted, I was totally "crippled" as you say. Emotionally devastated, trust in men all but killed off, trust in my own desirability and worthiness of love shattered, changed who I am at my core, how I see and feel about myself, other people, the world, God, everything probably for the rest of my life, all that stuff. But who cares? No one but me. My ex doesn't care that 10 years later I still cry myself to sleep almost every night, that sometimes it still hurts to badly when I think of what happened and how it ended that I can barely breath, and his wife sure as hell doesn't care. I'm sure his wife would love it if I just fell off the face of the earth, and I'm surethey both, as it was rather unceremoniously put to me by someone on these boards quite a while back, just want me "to go away." And as harsh as that sounded, amd as much as I hated to hear it at the time, he was right. I felt and truth be told, still sort of feel, entitled to at least an apology, but I know I can't stalk him, pitch hissy and moan and cry and carry on unless and until I get one. It's no one's problem but mine, and again, I guess that's the point I'm trying to make. At the end of the day, people will love who they love, and you simply cannot hold that love against them, no matter how much it may destroy you or someone else. You know I've always been a huge proponent of feeling and being responsible to your fellow man, doing what's right for everyone and not just for yourself, etc. But if what's in your very best interest is completely in opposition to what's in someone else's best interest, or what someone else wants, there's no shame in choosing your own best interest. Truth be told, if you sacrifice your own happiness and best interest and play the martyr, no one will care or even remember a few years down the road anyway. You can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself. One simple little "I'm sorry' from my ex would probably go a long way to alleviating a lot of the pain I still feel, and maybe I could actually sleep through the night for once, but his doing so would make his wife feel betrayed on some level or would "cause conflict" with her, so I just have to live with it because she's the one he chose and I simply don't matter anymore. Love is harsh like that sometimes, but being on this side of it, funny as it seems, makes me more sympathetic to someone in the OP's position than someone in his girlfriend's position.I mean, what else can you really do? Demand martyrdom and force someone you supposedly love to live a life they don't want to live until they come to resent and even hate you?

    Now, this is a huge assumption on my part, that the OP and the soon to be ex's sister really are perfect for each other and are soul mates, I'm assuming for argument's sake that they are, but if they belong together, they belong together. Then need to be as honest and respectful as possible to the girlfriend, but I don't think there's any honor in laying your love your happiness on an alter like a sacrificial lamb and playing the martyr. If you spend your life waiting for everyone to give you permission to be happy, or to give you their approval to be happy, you'll never be happy.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 12-15-2007 at 09:24 PM.

     
    Old 12-18-2007, 06:52 AM   #26
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Well I have decided to not say anything, actually I did talk to her sister but not completely about what I was feeling. I thought about it a lot and I could never put myself and my feelings before her and her family as I respect them all too much. I guess it’s one of those things that just stays inside a person and I guess, somewhat in your dreams. I think most of the problem I was having, and still am to some extent, was the fact that I see qualities in her sister that I’d want so much in my relationship. They are both very similar so I can see why I would be interested in her sister. In a lot of ways, I still am but as I mentioned, I could never put risking problems with them and their family ahead of my feelings, I’m just that type of guy. I did talk to my girlfriend about some of the issues and unfortunately, it turns into a one sided issue for the most part with no resolve.

    For now, I’m not doing anything more, it’s the holiday season and being depressed and feeling all uncertain isn’t ever good, let alone over this time of year.

    Thanks to all those that replied, I really do appreciate it. Maybe someday I’ll feel that special feeling truly, maybe even with my current girlfriend, who knows. I can always dream I suppose……

     
    Old 12-18-2007, 12:56 PM   #27
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    Well I have decided to not say anything, actually I did talk to her sister but not completely about what I was feeling. I thought about it a lot and I could never put myself and my feelings before her and her family as I respect them all too much. I guess it’s one of those things that just stays inside a person and I guess, somewhat in your dreams. I think most of the problem I was having, and still am to some extent, was the fact that I see qualities in her sister that I’d want so much in my relationship. They are both very similar so I can see why I would be interested in her sister. In a lot of ways, I still am but as I mentioned, I could never put risking problems with them and their family ahead of my feelings, I’m just that type of guy. I did talk to my girlfriend about some of the issues and unfortunately, it turns into a one sided issue for the most part with no resolve.

    For now, I’m not doing anything more, it’s the holiday season and being depressed and feeling all uncertain isn’t ever good, let alone over this time of year.

    Thanks to all those that replied, I really do appreciate it. Maybe someday I’ll feel that special feeling truly, maybe even with my current girlfriend, who knows. I can always dream I suppose……

    Well, I respect your decision, IF you're making it out of a sincere will to do what's best for everyone involved including yourself, and you feel you can truly be happy and satisfied with this decision, and NOT because you're simply afraid to do what must be done in order for you to be truly happy.

    I think it's probably wise to let it lie until after the holidays anyway. This time of year is always loaded, so no sense in adding stress for yourself or anyone else. But please, only stay with your girlfriend if you really believe you can love her like you can love no one else. I really don't think you're doing her any favors by staying with her out of guilt, shame or a sense of duty. I know I really wouldn't want a man who only wanted to be with me because he felt he HAD to be for some reason, when his heart really was somewhere else.

     
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