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  • I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

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    Old 01-01-2008, 11:26 AM   #16
    Sannah
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Hi Tizzy, you sound very committed to your family. Sounds like your dad really put some fear in your S & B's. Will wait for your next post....

     
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    Old 01-01-2008, 03:08 PM   #17
    tizzy76
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Im back for a while, just wanna finish that bit off coz i cant stop thinking bout it.
    Firstly id like to just say Sannah if i get to tell you in detail of some of the abuse he did to them i think you would want to put a hammer at him just as much as me.... I wish id have done it that day then there would have been no more.....

    After that day my father had come round to mine, i couldnt get my brothers and sisters out of my mind, every day i thought and wondered about them. Im quite spontanious at times so it was just a matter of time until i went to look for them> He kept in contact with me after that day, he also made amends with another sister of mine in preston, so us two came back into contact again that was nice.. Im one of the eldest so i always loved showing that and taking her out having her over to stay weekend and spoiling her. She is a very big girl so had a hard time with being bullied throughout her childhood. So i tryed to make her feel as special as i could when she was over, got her hair done and her nails propa girly things. This sister had been fortunate not to feel the strngth of my fathers hand az yet. But even though she had not phisically been abused by him. The emtional and mental abuse he gave her about her weight and other things was pure evil. He used to call her a fat ugly pig and tell her she was lazy. It took her a long time to open up to me about some of the stuff he'd say but, she said sometimes she would sit on the stairs and listen to him lay into her mum about her weight. She said when he started shouting she used to run upstairs and cuddle our little brother until she fell to sleep. she said she thought dad had hit her mum a few times but never actually seen him do it. He was very good at hitting where noone could see, or he would pinch, or bite even strangelled my mum once to shut her up. So i had began at this point to build a graeat relationship with my sister and finaly i was able to get to no my other baby sister and my brother the same age as my daughter. It was'nt long before i got the itch again to start asking questions... to his ther women... about what she new about my other brothers and sisters. My current boyfriend took me over ther to see them and i could tell this women was a bit selfish to my B&S she seemed more concirned with him and having his tea ready and all that usall crap. She bosted about how much money he gave her. When i looked in the cupboard there were just lots of tins of tuna fish and bottles of tomatoe sauce. Very strange! when i say alot i mean more then 10 or 15 of each? It wernt long before i seen that she was telling me lie after lie. He was taking her money not giving it to her! I remember going on shopping trips with him n the other part of the family and his eye for bargains and saving money for hisself. Her crap didnt wash with me at all i could see right through her. That night just topped it all off she had bought in lots of alcohol and you no what they say! The truth comes out when you have had a drink. Whilst i was there that day father had come to see us all, he was his usuall self butter wouldnt melt! Such a gentalman! While he was there he made a few nasty comments to my sister where i felt like getting up and nocking the nasty **** out! i kept my cool coz he gave me the impression he was trying to make me and my BF feel a little uncomfatble anyway. I played him at his own game that day i cant explain the feeling it was like being so calm but being ten men inside ready to explode. My patients payed off and he finally left off to another women no doubt........
    Really now people i wonder when he ever got the time to work??????
    That night thus her women got drunk, i mean really drunk, i was quite sloshed myself but i knew what i was doing and saying. I also asked her how she could let my dad say nasty things and let my sister here it. I told her to get rid of him and think about the future of my sisters and brothers. She broke down on me telling me more nasty horrible stuff about him and things he did. None of it shocked me it just wound me up more and made me think she is even more of a ***** noing she is putting up with it. She told me how she loved him and couldnt live without him she said she wanted another kid! That was it i exploded she couldnt be right in the head to want another kid with him really she was a total ****. I new i would never visit that house again in my eyes she was just as bad as him. Thats how i looked at it then anyway. now i now she was just another one of his victims. That weekend i didnt go home i made my boyfriend drive me to blackpool straight from there. I had come to the stage where i needed to go and see my older brother and my other b&s just to see them just to no how they were doing, so thats what i did. I didnt have a adress i just remembered the estate and the number of the house they used to live in. We took a few wrong turns but we got there in the end. I was so Excited to see them i almost weeeed myself. I didnt no what to expect or what to say, who would answer the door or if they even still lived there. I was the nervous i had ever been in my life still up untill this day. None answered the door, there was noone there! I looked through the livingroom window and could see photo;s of them in there uniforms and one of all of them together smiling. I cryed a little tear and knocked again incase none had herd me. Nope there was definatly none in the house so, we sat in the car for around half hour incase someone returned. Then we made our way home after an eventful and emotinal weekend. Then another oppirtunity cam up to go to blackpool with my BF parents, fantastic i though i can try again..............

    Gotta go but ill be back real soon to finish this part up, im gonna try and cathch some zzzzz's night night xxxx

     
    Old 01-02-2008, 05:31 AM   #18
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Will wait for your next post....

     
    Old 01-02-2008, 06:09 AM   #19
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Back yet again, feel like totally ending it all today, im lowest of the low today. I have woken this morning in the same foul mood. Shouted nd screamed at my daughter over the smallest of things. Ended up both crying, i calmed her down apoligised and took her to her friends for the day. Got home and called the doctor for a appointment to see him, i never ever wanted to go on anti depressants again after last time it took me a long time to get off them and thats all the doctor keeps offeing me. Im gonna have to by the looks of it i cant go on feeling like this everyday its bringing me to another level what IS depression! Ive not slep proply for days now, and got this burning sensation in my tummy constantly, i cant eat and have a major head ach that i cant seem to shift. I dont feel tired at all i feel wired like i have been on somkinda anphetamine or somthing, surly its not normal to feel this way!

    So where was i anyway oh yeah, my boyfriends folks invited us to blackpool to stay at a caravan site just over the road from the estate where my b&s lived. I couldnt wait i was all excited again. Got all mine and my daughters stuff ready, pulled out a few family photos and we were on our way....
    The first day we reached there, i couldnt wait so i asked my Bf mum if she would keep a eye on my lill one for half hour so i could firstly go over and see if everything was ok, i didnt want to take her there and for them to turn us away infront of her..
    As me and my fella drove round the corner of the estate that day i had a horrid feeling this time not a feeling of excitement atall my tummy was in bits and i felt like crying before i even got to the door. We reached i went to the door this time my bf came with me, i could here voices and laughter, very different from all those years ago. I nocked the door and a little girl answered about the same age as my daughter i new this was my brothers child she had grown so much and when i looked into her eyes i could see parts of myself staring back at me. She didnt even recognise me as her aunt i dont think she just shouted after her dad, my brother. My brother came to the door and looked horrified to see me, he looked behind me asif he was expecting my father to walk up the path. I said dont worry im on my own. He sharply glarred at me and said. What do you want here? My heart dropped into my stomach and i felt my eyes fill up with tears, i fetl my boyfriend sqeeze my hand as to say keep calm. I just wanted to see you all and no how you were, i have missed you all so much, can i come in so we can talk??? No he said your not welcome here, i dont think anyone will be pleased to see you. Has he sent you? No i replyed im staying over at the caravan park where we used to play as kids in my bf parents caravan, i went on to tell him i had come before when i was over but there was noone in. He told me that i could try and come back later after he has spoken to everyone else, to see how they feel about seeing me. His word were we will have to call in a meeting to see what everyone thinks about you coming here, you may cause alot of bad feeling! I swallowed hard and said ok thats fine, i dont want to cause any trouble for any of you, i am not here because of father i am here because i want to see all of you. At that he shut the door and we got back into the car and drove back to the caravan. I was so upset i could hardly breath it was like some one had a elastic band round my lungs, i couldnt even speak i just cryed hard. My bf put his arms round me and said, dont worry bab everything might be ok when we go back.
    I couldnt concertrait on anything else all day, it was like waiting for a prison sentence.
    The time came to go back and i was more terrified of what they were gonna say then even the fear of my dad. The worst thing that could have happened , happened. I knocked the door and my brother answered, he did not smile or crack his face at all. He looked at me and said no on wants to see you i have spoken to them and they said no. At this point i could feel the blood and anger filling inside me. Why not i said what have i done? he replyed we just dont want anyone outside of our circle in our life anymore, we dont need you! I just want to see you i said please dont do this to me, can i see my sister please i havnt seen her for so long i just want to look at her. He shouted her name and told her to come to he door.. The reply was sick! I dont want to see her she said tell her to **** of she is extended family and i dont want to see her! I closed my eyes bit my bottom lip and walked away from the door. I heard my bf say thanks for the help to my brother and he followed me. I heard the door slam shut and then i broke down. What had i done? why was they some angry with me? Why was this so difficult for me to handle>? The next day because my fella new how upset i was he took me to see the others again in preston, it made me smile for a few hours but didnt take away the pain from the previous day. I came home that weekend thinking im still not gonna give up on this, surly one day the will want to see me or come looking for me? They will never no how much that day broke my heart because i will never get a chance to see them.
    I didnt give up, i just left things for a while, then i made another journey to blackpool and ill tell you all about next episode. Today writing this i have had so many feelings and emotions, it really upset me writing this, bought back all of those feelings again, but better out then in thats what mi nan says......

    Hope yall aint getting to bored with me xxxx

     
    Old 01-02-2008, 04:23 PM   #20
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tizzy76 View Post
    Back yet again, feel like totally ending it all today, im lowest of the low today. I have woken this morning in the same foul mood.

    Im gonna have to by the looks of it i cant go on feeling like this everyday its bringing me to another level what IS depression! Ive not slep proply for days now, and got this burning sensation in my tummy constantly, i cant eat and have a major head ach that i cant seem to shift. I dont feel tired at all i feel wired like i have been on somkinda anphetamine or somthing, surly its not normal to feel this way!
    Tizzy are you feeling bad (as you described above) because you are letting all of this story out or did you feel like this before (or a different sort of bad)? No, I'm not getting bored!

     
    Old 01-03-2008, 04:21 PM   #21
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    Red face Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
    Tizzy are you feeling bad (as you described above) because you are letting all of this story out or did you feel like this before (or a different sort of bad)? No, I'm not getting bored!
    Hi sorry i havnt been on to reply to you sannah, i have been in the middle of some tough stuff with my daughter today and had to deal with it very carfully, so as i didnt explode! hopefully i have done it in the right way.

    Sannah i have always wanted to let this story out, i have never before and i have thought about these things for the last few years every single day. I have never spoken of some of these things to anyone and it feels good letting everything out so the badness what im feeling is kida a relese and actully helping me piece a few things together that are happening in my life at present, like me always arguing with my other half. I have had time to reflect on some of the stuff i have written and im begining to understand things better then i ever have before. For example it has been killing me not noing why im always flipping out at my boyfriend all the time. When i read back all i had written yesterday it clicked in my head that my boyfriend had opened up a big can of worms for me when i first met him by what he thought would help me get back in contact with my B&S. After we had been together for about a year he started cheating on me with other women in the same town, i think he had lost respect for me seeing how my family were and how i was so insecure about things because of this. I found out he had done this with 3 different girls right on my door step. We had been together 4 yrs before i started to find out these things, in the process he had tryed to make me think i was mental and paronoied if i accused him of things even if they were obvious, at one stage i was so depressed and thought i was going so mad i went into a hospital for a few days. Another story. We split for a while but still had sex and then i found out he had been seeing another girl that had befriended me and he was seeing her for over a year. He uses cocain that has now become a habbit and he blamed all of that onto him being young at the time and just having fun. He came back to me a year and half ago, telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was for everthing and hed never ever do anything like this again coz he no's how much he hurt me and everyone involved. I gave into him again and we are still together now. Im scared everytime he goes out my door that he is cheating, i question him all the time. We never go out together anywhere at all. He goes out with his mates who were once mine and coz they knew all about what he was doing to me i havnt spoken a word to any of them scince coming on to 2 years now. So now he hangs out with them and goes out to see them every nite when he finishes work. If he is not with them then he is on the phone to them. Hes a only child and he lives at home with his parents so its hard to sort things out propley all the time coz runs home to mummy. He uses that drug i dont care to mention again, i no he wants to stop and it gets him down but he makes no efforts to doso even when people are running round coz they think he is ill doing everything they can for him. The only thing thats wrong with him is that he is coming down off hes drugs. He is hardly ever at mine anymore coz i wont have it around my daughter so every night when he finishs work hell go do hes drugs then phone me say do you want me to come round. Ill say have you done any of that, hell say yes and ill say well no i dont want you round then. Its like that day in day out it has been for almost a year now. When he is with me its like hes itching to get away all the time, or his phone is ringing off with his mates askin him to go out or what you upto! He recently a few weeks before christmas went to india for a holiday with 8 lads supposidley, ill never no if any of the girls went coz i dont talk to um, aint seen no pictures and never will i expect. Anyway when he came back he was so over nice and told me he wanted a baby and all this yada yada yada. He was lovely coming upto christmas, i asked him a few questions but really want to trust he didnt get upto anything this time.
    So christmas came and went i tryed to hold it down every time he called me and said im just popping out for a bit then ill be there ok. Then the other day id just new in my heart that all this nice ness was just because he didnt want any ear ach about him going out over christmas and new year, nothing had changed at all everything was still the same really he had just sucked me in by being nice. I didnt even realise i hadnt been out with my mates not once over christmas just sat in and waited for him every night and didnt go out. He had not even invited me out for one drink at all with him over christmas or did he make a effort to even bother to get half dressed to come and see me. I thought about all this and didnt want a big row over it so he came to mine for the night one night and coz he wernt allowed to do any of that **** in here it made him quite uncomftble i could tell. He is obviously dependant on it. I didnt get any sleep most of the night coz of him figgiting he couldnt sleep obviouly coz of th crap! So when i woke in the morning i was not in a good mood at all. My daughter had to go out coz she has got more of a scoial life thne me. While she was getting ready and eating her breakfast and stuff he said ok im ready to go home now i need to straighten my back out coz of that bed. We both no he never got no sleep coz he couldnt get comftable other things on his mind! So i dropped her off at a mates then came back and drop him off home. thank god! Before i got out of the car i tryed to talk to him and i said why did you come to my house if you felt like that yesterday, i could see what you were like and you should not have come,infact i even told him not to bother coming if he felt like he looked. He replyed your right i wish id have just stayed in my bed. At this
    point i was getting a bit wound up to be honsets you no i still had all that stuff about not going out myself and nothing changin in my head azwell. He was gonna just get out the car and expect me to sweep things under the carpet again so i said ' Dont get out the car for a minuet i just wanna talk to you. He went bizerk and slammed the door shut again saying. *** do you have to do this when we come to my house for. where the **** did he want me to do it at the house infront of my daughter? ****! If he wernt in such a bleedin rush to go home we could have spoken about it after i had dropped my lill one off.!!!! Aint that the adult thing to do? So whilst he was saying why do we have to talk about this now hes mum pulled up on the drive way. I kept repeting myself saying i dont want to row i just want to no why you say all these thingsd you dont mean and disrepect me in certian ways time after time. Then just as i see his mum getting out the car and walking towards us he starts swearing quite loUdly as his mum knocked the window to just ask if me and my daughter had had a nice christmas coz they had'nt seen us. I hadnt even had chance to give them there prestents coz i had been so busy rushing around working over christmas to savor every penny left over after getting my daughters gifts. Id worked extra had so i could give him more then half ov his money he needed for a tv he seen and said he wanted coz his other one is comeing to a end. He didnt no this, but i had almost saved up enough to buy it completly for him but i didnt manage to go and get the day i was suppose to coz other commitment i had at work. Thank lord i didnt waste my money on him this time.... I spent alot of money i didnt have on him plenty of times in the past and look how i got repayed for my kindness! Im gonna decorate all my upstairs with the money i saved coz i no this is gonna put a real smile on my face not coz of noing he daint get the telly i aint that sad , but coz its somthing i need to do for myself and somthing that will show me i can have a bit of somthing nice if i put in the hard work. Not that i fully believe that!, with the way the system works in this country, If you start with nothing then mess up with things through not really having guidance in life then the struggle to cathh up and work hard in order to pay off debts and keep in the rules of the system. It dont matter how hard i work ive never got much coz the more money i earn the more they take off me by the time you get out of one debt your borrowing to get out of another it bloody hard and a right friggin loada bollocks especially for singel mums or singel dads the same way! Fathers can go free and do what the hell they like while the bloody mothers struggle to keep to a system! not good. Especially for us that work so flipping hard....... Off that sorry distracted me lol .......

    Anyway back to him and his mum, i think she felt the tention and walked away into the house leaving us to it. All i said next was why did you have to say the for and start swearing making it look all bad. Then he said here we Fing go again, just coz you woke up in a bad mood again today your trying to take it out on me im not listening to this Bo**ocks! That was it the that when i totally flipped my lidtop, i swaer to this day i was looking for no argument and i was not looking to get angry and lose my head like i did next..... He got out the car there and then and slamed my door, i was so angry and frustratied i was kickikn hard on my excellorator, got out my car kicked the side and dented it, Then when i tryed to drive it i couldnt some mad lock was on the wheels i must have bashed it so hard on the peddels with my feet. I was furious somthing i had tryed to be so calm about just thrown in my face! thats how i felt. I drove home so angry afer finally getting the car to work and him saying i couldnt leav it at his house and get a taxi home. I drove home in first gear all the way the my cousin had th come round and have a look at it, how embarresing i never told him what i did just said i reved it a bit to hard a few times. He could see that i was upset by my eyes, kept asking if i was ok but just like always i said yeah im fine just tired and got a bad cold!!!
    Few hours after i had been crying and throwing things round at home out of anger, but i didnt call him or text him just ride it out on my own.... Id just started to calm down and think maybe it wernt as bad as i thought coz our rows normally ended alot worse then that with me saying the nasty'st things you ever heard and both of us crying mostly coz of thing ive said to him just coz the things hes done to me! Just as i calmed down my phone had a message, this is what it said......
    Im going out for a bit in a bit is that a problem or are you ok with that!!!!!! Oh dear, i totally lost it, i called him asking if the messege i had recieved was a joke after all that **** earlier he didnt want to got to his bed he wanted to go get changed to go out with hes mates! I felt like he was totally taking the iss out of me. I was so angry i couldnt say anything else and put the phone down for a minuet.totally dismanteled my brcelet i was trying to put on at the time i got the message. Left it for a few minuets then called him back again screaming down the phone as loud as i could i no half i was saying he couldnt hear, he said you would say all this now im out wouldnt you! i wouldnt have come out if you didnt want me to id have stayed at home. This made me even worse, he said to me what do you want me to do your acting like a crazy ***** again! I said ok then you just come to mine and we will sort this out. It took him ages to arrive, i even called him at one point to say dont bother coming just stay where you are but he said he had already ordered a taxi and was on his way. By the time he got here i was explosive it was only going to take one word then i was gonna explode i knew it! Thats excactly what happened evertime i tryed talking to him he just kept saying, what do you want me to say what do you want me to do? i said i want you to tell me why we are arguing again and why all this **** keeps coming up. Its you im not doing anything he said. He said i admit i was in the wrong last night i admit i shouldnt have come here and made you feel uncomftuble like that, but all of this just because of that you are loosing it again! He just didnt get it at all! and everytime all he says to put things right is im sorry i no what things are like and im gonna make more of a effort with you, i love you, i want noone else but you. But he says i cant go through this with you you lose your head and i dont want that around me! lmao i lost it even more then for i felt the cheak he was trying to twist round and make me feelbad and guilty! For what???????? I dont remember much that was said after that i just lost total control of my body and kicked in the door in the living room. Then i drove him home cryied my hesrt out then came on the computer and written everything on here ever scince. I aint heard nothing from him and i dont think im going to because he is just all about him self right now.....

    I no what your all thinking and i wish i knew, i wish i new why the hell i still cant let this man go out of my life, everytime i think about not having him in my life at all i get scared thinking im gonna be on my own again. Even though i no i dont have trouble picking men up at all and i have a lot of male friends in my life always have. I just feel like i cant let him go and i feel like ill be left on the shelf. I think every women wants a man in her life, for the nice things, im sure all you women no what i mean there. Dont get me wrong when i say sitting on the shelf i dont mean be lonley not in the lonley way where as id have noone coz, with the way i am as a person im never alone i always got people nocking at my door and always having invites to go places and do things, i just never feel like going anywhere and doing anything right now coz i feel a mess not only in my apperencer even though i scrub up well before i go out the door thats all surface bull crap and im a mess inside, you were right when you said i was a sprirtual child i was and im a very spiritual adult and i truley believe he is killing my spirit on purpose sometimes. But i no i let him, but dont no why i let him? With everything else i seem so strong its him that gets it the worse out of everyone, he gets all my anger all the time. He tells me im lucky hes still there coz any other man wouldnt put up with it. I believe this i really do. Dont blame anyone but myself either coz i now about my temper and im learning alot right now about where it has come from. So i bet your thinking now so whats the link with her fella, well i think he made me feel so special when i first met him and i let him no all my secrets and dark things about my life, he made me feel love for the first time like i had never felt before. I trusted him and i think i partly resent him opening up that can of worms bout my family coz he hasnt been there to support me through the rest of it, he never asks me anything at all about it anymore for a long long time. He made so many plans and promises to me and broke every single one of them one by one. I suppose i never forgave him deep down either for the things he did, and struggle trusting him again. So i think that the more and more this unfolds im getting somewhere in every aspect. Im not a stupid women really, i may be where men are concerned but i believe im quite strong really. I no i should not be in this place with him right now and we should just let each other go, why is it so hard why cant we both just break it off? i no he feels the same to, its so bloody hard aint it.?

    Cant write anymore tonight, im shattered. At least you now no when i found this site this is where all my anger came from in the start of this thread.
    And thanks for keep reading coz it makes me want to come back and keep going. Ive never found such a powerful way to make me think. When i read back on this it was like someone else wrote it and i can seeand understand things a bit better.........

    Night night sleep tight xxx

     
    Old 01-04-2008, 07:41 AM   #22
    Sannah
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tizzy76 View Post
    i wish i new why the hell i still cant let this man go out of my life, everytime i think about not having him in my life at all i get scared thinking im gonna be on my own again.

    im a very spiritual adult and i truley believe he is killing my spirit on purpose sometimes. But i no i let him, but dont no why i let him?

    i think he made me feel so special when i first met him and i let him no all my secrets and dark things about my life, he made me feel love for the first time like i had never felt before.

    He made so many plans and promises to me and broke every single one of them one by one.

    Im not a stupid women really,

    Ive never found such a powerful way to make me think. When i read back on this it was like someone else wrote it and i can seeand understand things a bit better.........
    Tizzy, no, you are not a stupid woman!!!! This is probably a lot of your problem with your fella. You are much smarter than he is, responsible and driven. Maybe this is why he can make you so angry (plus all of the other reasons that you just talked about!). IMO he will never live up to your level because you are just two different people (you are at a much higher level than he is).

    I can tell that you have all of your answers. They have just been buried under all of this stuff that you are unloading now. So glad that you found this site and this is helping you unload and think more clearly. I am the same way. I cannot think properly on things when they are all tangled up inside. I need to get them outside where they can be examined better. I have to write or talk to others about it so that I can think properly. My writing here has helped me think so much more clearly in life.

    See you next time! (And don't worry about when you come here and if you are "late" or whatever. This is for you. You come when you can.)

     
    Old 01-04-2008, 04:17 PM   #23
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    Thumbs down Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Hi sannah, lol i take it were alone here?? hehe! Thanks for following me id feel like a bit of a prat by now if i was getting no replys at all lol..... Ive done a really stupid thing today, took two steps back thismorning and Called him up! Oh dear! Not a good responce at all just staryed with asking me if id done anything towards controling my anger! I lost it again in the end coz i was trying to say to him does he realise where it came from that day! he just put the phone down at my raised voice! dont blame him really! So just about 20 mins ago he called me up, i was shocked, didnt answer first coz wernt preped for him so called him back 10 mins later. He said we should talk. We agreed to here each other out before speaking. He said what he had to say, which was that he hadnt been intouch coz when im like that he just wants to be as far away from me as possible! he said nothing he can do can change me at that time and he doesnt no what to do. He said when im at full rage he feels intimidated like a infant, he said i scare him. He said 'men dont even make me feel that way even when i purpposly wind them up to that point'. He says he hasnt done anything wrong and that nothing at all should make me act that way. ....I NO THIS DONT I !!!!!!!!.... I hate acting that way and this is what i want to stop isnt it. These actions i have when i react to things, i no it is not normal, i no that i need to adress it, and i no more then anyone because im the one that walks round holding it in everyday. I never said this at the time thats just what i was thinking. He went on to say he cant have that in his life or around him coz he doesnt no how to deal with it. Thhats how he finished hes side of things...... jezzzzz i felt so guilty. But i totally understood him saying he wants to be as far away from me as possible coz i wish i could just run away too, at the time its happening its like im not even inside my own body, it feels like somone has taken over. Compaired to my lovely bubbley, do anythin for anyone self, i am like a real she devil and i reallly do feel like 10 men, my body goes so tense i think even if someone ran over me id get up without a bruse hard face flarred nostrils and chase the car lmao! Not funny i no coz really im nothing like that, im such a big saftie and let people walk all over me. Always do what i can to help. One of those people that find it hard to say no, but my mind itself never rests, im a true Gemini in that respect i find it really hard to settle at night in bed coz im thinking of everthing and anything. hate it , hate it loads. The only time i really relax is when im in the sky on a areoplaine leaving England going to a ANY location!!!! When ive reached my destination and un packed my acssecories, i totally relax and i dont think of anything back home in england. Not even my fella even though he may run throu my mind really fast like a leapor hunting prey at some point thas about it. No bad thoughts, i just totally chill out. I think thats what holidays are ment to be for though aint they? I can honestly say that is the only time. Saying that my last holiday was a nightmare, had mum in a wheel chair, nan and she just wonders off and gets lost bless her, my nans mate and she had just recovered or shall i say was in recovery from an operation on her hip so she was on crutches. Adding to that she was a very big women i had to be at all there beck and call ended up getting her a wheelchair to make things easier had to rest her bum on my head to push her up on to the coach on the journey home, used all my strength to virtulaly lift her on lol nearly lost me head for real that day ;0). so not much of a holiday, but did relax me from stress at home with him.

    Anyway i went off track there abit. After he had spoken to me it was my turn, i felt so guilty about the way i had acted, i now it wernt right just makes me feel worse him reminding me and hereing how he felt at the time. I explained to him about all the things i had said in the previous text, the things that were bubbeling up all over christmas and i told him all the things he said when he got back from inda, i said how he made me feel like i was the most special thing in his life one minute and when i looked at everything on a real tip nothing had really changed or began to change at all. I said that text message you sent me pushed me over the edge and your right i should not have reacted in that way and its somthing i have to learn to control and im making step towards it, have been scince the night it happened........ I then went on to say again sorry for acting that way, before i new it it had happened. Then he pulled me and said, but even after that you still called me yelling, what am i suppose to say or do when you act that way still and you expect me to be around that? ....I didnt have a answer to this, but i did have a feeling. My feeling was that i wanted him to be there to just hold me when the rush of this anger rage had ran through me, hold me down if he had to queeze it out of me. But nope thats asking a bit to much huh! ok so now i felt worse and i was getting angry, i tryed my best and tryed not to shout then he says so come on do you think your normal acting that way infront of me? I said 'no i dont and i cant explaine how i get like that or where it comes form but i cant stop it and i just wish i could make you understand that i cant control it'. I told him i was coming off the phone and then he started raising his voice to me saying how bad i made him feel and how much i hurt him.... Again i said 'I have to come off the phone now' I could just feel myself exploding again over the phone i dont no why, it was mixed with feelings of guilt and a bubbleing surface of anger and frustration arghhhhhhhhh flippin hekkkkkkkkkki!!!!!!! He still tryed to make me stay by sayin g why quite cockrly like he didnt no i just wanted to avoid exploding again, Then he said 'come on explaine to me'. At this point i said 'look im going i just cant do this right now', my anger was almost getting the better of me. I put the phone down, and it was like my fingers filled with blood itching to come on here and just write it all out lol. Great stress relief!!!!! I think i had calmed down around five minuets into writin and i dont have any desire to call or say sorry anymore. I just think i wish i didnt act like that i direspected myself more the anything and him making me feel guilty dont help me right no so im gonna just stay away from him to coz hes making me worse all the time.
    It wont be long before he calls me, i hope that this time ill have the power to turn round and say sorry but actully, i dont need you and your **** in my life right now! Goshhhhh how much i would love to say that and feel nothing! I think more than ever today why the hell cant we let go, neither of us wanna be here in this so what we doing apart from wasting more and more days, 7 years is a long time and we have been through lots good, bad and evil. But seriously now i really need to find a way of helping myself here and walking away from this. The way i see it is you cant build somthing out of nothing and i seriously think the there is nothing left. So why? Why this long process of pain? hope this dont make me bitter coz that would be a shame i got so much love to give, and surly everyone has a little outburst now and again? all relationships have there times huh? I no he aint the one for me, i just no. But sothing is still holding us there like we are both to stubbon to give up or somthing and looking back maybe just maybe that is my problem that i dont just give up. Should i? 'yes' lol and think what? What is it im actully giving up on? oh yeah i said it myself NOTHING! If i let go i no within month ill pick myself back up if he just totally leaves me alone, but where we are is such a small town we cant avoid eachother for long and then it all starts all over again. Wish i had loadsa money id just up and away! Even thou it dont make you happy i bloody helps lol.......

    ok so thats the end of this for today and im de stressed and feel like im gonna be able to sleep tonight. Even though nothings sorted i feel a little more clear headed now. Will read my last few blogs tommorow and see what is going on between the lines i hope strange but working.

    Sannah i have been trying to figure this site out i dont no how to veiw things like id like to no a little about you and to read some of your blogs i see you have done alot of writting but dont now how to get to anything. Also was wondering about privacy, i have been worrying a little about if i go ahead and write my real personal stuff am un sure how to deal with letting that out on here. I may come to a place wher i cant write anymore coz of privacy and stuff. Thats gonna be a real shame coz id love to get some of those moer serious things iv never delt with down but i have to be honest here and i dont think i got the nerve.......

    Ok toodle pip enough is enough for one night lol xxxx BREATHHHHHH ;0)

     
    Old 01-05-2008, 07:04 AM   #24
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Hi Tizzy, you can type my name in under Advanced Search and pull up any of my posts. I tend to spend the most time on the Depression Board. I have never been depressed but I recovered from anxiety. The issues that I had to deal with match those that the folks have on the Depression Board so that is why I hang out there.

    As for privacy you could just say that you are from England and not where you are from exactly? You are not using your bf's name so this helps to not identify you and you aren't saying what you do for a living so that helps too.

    I know that you are going to figure out what you should do about your bf and figure out what is setting you off and making you so angry so easily. Just keep paying attention to what is being said/is going on when you get so angry and you will figure it out. I know that people get angry when they feel that they are not being understood or are not being treated unfairly or are being taken advantage of.

     
    Old 01-06-2008, 06:51 AM   #25
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    All the relationship bollocks stops thee, im not gonna beat myself up anymore im gonna move on and let go!!!! One less thing to worry about. Now im gonna concerntrate on myself and fixing my own problem and my family. Gona be strong ride out the pain of lose and build myself back up to feel better in myself without the negativity of him bringing me down to a level where i dont even no myself! Lord give me strength to get through this........

    Have a blessed day, thanks for passing through xxx

     
    Old 01-06-2008, 06:54 AM   #26
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    You go girl!!!!

     
    Old 01-12-2008, 05:19 PM   #27
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Ok im back and im getting stronger everyday, guilt feeling is slowley going away and im keeping myself busy with lots of other things.....

    Dont no where this has all come from but lots of bad things seem to have happened over the last few weeks, not only to me but people close to me everyne right now seems to be going through quite a emotional time around me, i hope i havnt bought about no bad energys with all my negative crap over the last few weeks...
    I have spoken with some of my family and tryed to sort a few things out with a few serious words, not only to help me but to help out themselfs. My brother has fallen depressed and is feeling frustrated with his life, my mother is realising she cant manage in that big house anymore on her own. My grandmother just floats about like a breath of fresh air everywhere not a care in the world, she brings a smile to everyones face without even trying. If i could imagian and Angel then i would just close my eyes and see my nan with big beautiful white wings. Bless her i dont no how she does it...
    So im thinking alot of positive things hopeing things will begin to change wave alittle?
    Been controling my anger a little better to, have been tested several times and am yet to blow my lid and believe me thats good going....

    I no we all have bad times and maybe this was just another bad time for me, everyday im gonna keep building my self confidence back up, everyday im gonna be stronger then the day before, everyday a will day will start, and every night will end a day, then a new day will become tommorow and tommorow is always a new day, a new begining to another day


    Hope ya liked mi little poem, lol

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 08:26 AM   #28
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    I am so glad to hear that things are going better for you Tizzy!

     
    Old 02-09-2008, 04:49 PM   #29
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    Angry Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Ok please some one tell me why is it when we think things are going ok somthing comes and smack's you right between the eyes with a big wake up nothing changes call!?!? Ill tell you what i really dont no how i have held me temper this past few weeks!
    All relationships yada out of the way!
    Im pleased to annoucne we have yet another addition to our family, i have been informed last week that i have a 8mnth baby sister... Welcome to the madness sis. I will pray for her everyday knowing she has him in her life! I duno maybe im being harsh but i just feel so sorry thinking he has bought another child into this world! Then i think maybe he will be different because he is getting old? Well this is another women again not his wife, ive never heard of her. Why has this made me angry? My blood is boiling i feel like going and seeing this women and telling her what he is and what an effect he has on hes childrens lifes! There aint a word strong enough for this man! My Father. Argggrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

    Im gonna pick up where i left off.

    I was on the next visit to blackpool.

    It was Fathers 50th birthday, hes wife had payed for me my daughter and my cousin to go stay in a caravan over there for the weekend. I didnt no where it was and hadnt long passed my driving tes so he came got the three of us and bought us over there. When we arrived off the motor way we passed the estate my b&s lived on then turned into the same caravan park where we used to play as kids and my bf's mum an dad had their van. I could'nt believe it he had done this on purpose. He Knew that i would not be able to resist trying to see them. He had planned this in his mind. He even went out of his way to say ' I Know its a bit close but the wife had booked it! Hmmm yeah right!, me and my cousin looked at eachother and just said cool no probs! I must say before i go on. My cousin was my fathers brothers child we had become very close as he lived near to me and he was good friends with my brother from my mother if you follow?.. When we arrived i thought we were all staying there, but dad said 'no im staying at home ill come back tommorrow' He thought he was smart, he knew i was going to make contact!
    Well he was right, i did. Previous to this visit i had visited other b&s in manchester, i had got a few numbers off them for my brother in Bpool.

    So i called him up, told him where i was and invited him round for a drink to catch up with he's cousin. I told him to pass on my number to my sister and ask her to give me a call on the off chance she may feel like speaking to me.
    Shocking but yes! She texted me, as nice as you like saying she heres im around and she would meet me if i wanted. I mean as if i wouldnt its what i wanted for many many years. I explained to her what he had done by putting me at the park over the way from her, but she said she didnt care and is not afraid of him anymore, she called him by his name and sounded real strong. This gave me alot of hope and i felt very emotional when i finished talking with her. I was scared shaking and felt a bit sick. We arranged to meet at a pub i knew close by. The few hours in between i was so nervous, just remember it tipping down with rain and the sky was all dull and nasty. I was praying in my mind 'please lord let me just build this bridge, let me just have a few minuets to show them my love'.
    I stood in that pub with my daughter shaking, pale and scared of what she was going to think when she seen me. She called not long after and was at another pub the wrong one! i thought she was calling to tell me she wernt coming at first, but another 15 minuets wasnt going to make a difference. She finally arrived, i couldnt believe my eyes so was just like me, or me like her, our hair, our smile, our likes and dislikes things we had done over the years that we both related to it was so nice. So uplifting just to be close to her i felt warm. Deep down i just wanted to cuddle the life out of her. She asked a little about him but wasnt really that interested.
    This sister was the one who he put into intensive care! I couldnt bring myself to ask about this but a few story's were passed around and a few memorys. After a while my middle brother called her and asked if she was ok, he decided to then join us at the pub. When he came it was very emotional we all had tears in our eyes. He was always the naughtest or should i say the most daring, he made me laugh and when we were little and i went there he would stick to me like glue. He was a male version of me. I could see in he's eyes that he was still alittle crazy shall we say. They had grow up so much, the last time i had seen my sister was at my grandmas funeral and she was only small. We talked for a few hours then i had to get back before Father did so i had to say my goodbyes, we all cryed and cuddled and promised to keep intouch. I even said to my sister, now i have got you i dont need to have anything else to do with him i just want you in my life. I told her i loved her and them all. I was so happy that day to see them well and healthy and living the lives they wanted to how they wanted to. They were doing well and could see their happiness of freedom from that past life with father! I wondered though how she felt inside, what she was really thinking.
    I floated back to the caravan i thought nothing could break my mood, i had made a big step today and noone not even him could take that away from me, i felt like my patients had finally payed off and i could now build a relationship with them.
    What happened next was bound to happen somtime unfortunatly it was the same night and believe me when i say you wouldnt get your breath I totally flipped my lid on him and both said things i wish i could have recorded, he really is a sick twisted excuse for a human!!!

    Ill leave you here for tonight catch you later, time for bed....zzzzz...zzzzz

    Anyone bored yet????

     
    Old 02-11-2008, 08:50 AM   #30
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    Re: I hate living with this anger, i dont no how to but i no i have to!

    Hi Tizzy, so you are upset because your father has another victim child to mistreat. I know that feeling. When I think of children being in bad situations it makes me much more upset than if the person was an adult.

     
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