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  • Having read Tizzy's thread I am tempted to put one up of my own.

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    Old 01-15-2008, 02:32 AM   #1
    dianamolloy's Avatar
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    dianamolloy HB User
    Unhappy Having read Tizzy's thread I am tempted to put one up of my own.

    Well my name is Diana and I am 22.

    I couldn't tell you when my anger started, though I can say when it started to show itself better. I've always been short tempered and have a HARD time letting anything go (both people and situations) but then I met my boyfriedn in 2005 and having not been so close with anyone before that I always kept my anger at bay - until then.

    I have abbandonment issues - to put it lightly. Mym parents divorced when I was around 2 and at 7 we (myself, my mum, uncle grandmother and greatgrandmother) moved to England from Brazil. My mum had a BIG falling out with my grandmother (and subsequently the resto f the family) when I was 1/12. It somehow revolved around me. I remember wanting to go to some party, not being allowed by my mum and some argument with the family happened. It culminated in my grandmother taking me to the cop shop to give a statement about my mum and how she didn't look after me properly (things like not cooking meals for me and just providing microwave foods, hitting me yes but not excessively... I don't remember) and when we got back I saw my mum at my grandmothers that afternoon, the next day? Anyway somehow we talked (not sure about what) and I wanted to go back - which my gm was NOT pleased about. As you can tell I blocked this stuff and I blocked it good. At 12 I should know more of it but I just don't... can't.

    I had stealing issues (starting with youtr standard shoplifiting with friends, althopugh I may have stolen from my family prior to that, not sure) and had stolen, over a period of 8 month, almost $1000 from my grandmother that she had at her house and she found out bewcause me, her and my uncle were going to NY city in 2001. I hid away (she hadn't talked to my mum in years) for a few days then faced the music. We ended up going on the trip and afterwards things were stilted. Either thye cut contact shortly afterwards or I did. Again with the memory issues. I have always felt angry and hurt that they abbandoned me for that. Yes stealing is wrong (I say it but honeslty i have a hard time believing it) but god other people would do so much worse yet their families still loved them. So what was so bad and wrong about me?

    My dad, who was in Brazil, didn't much keep in touch. Never sent birthday cards or presents. For a while we tried calling (I would have been 13/14?) but I never really wanted to. When he didn't even email on my 18th b-day, yet his brother did (for all I know he told/reminded his borther), I pretty much had enough. I think we talked occasionally afterwards but my heart was closed there. It was onem ore person not to count on.

    I never felt like my mum loved me. Since she stopped doing anything (she is disabled but it's more a case of she gave up on life) and I was in charge of the household shopping, dealing with money etc. If I didn't buy her cigarettes it was WW3. If I didn't make the coffee before bed, as she kept strange sleeping times and would sometimes sleep the day away, RAWR. Being woken at silly o'clock because I was being shouted at for not having made this/bought that, when I had work the next day sometimes, was not uncommon.

    At first things were good with the bloke. I discovered he had his own issues. MANY, MANY of them. He suffers from panic attacks, social phobias and a whole host of things. I tried to help him seek counseling, medicine etc. Yet we'd argue. The things I couldn't understand why my mum got mad at I would shout at him for. We'd split up and make-up. Sometimes I'd call it off, sometimes him - lately (past year) it's been him who calls it off.

    I got violent at one point and it began as he would shut off (imagine sitting next to a mute person who is not there. Lights gone off) and I would shout more, then that stopped working. So I'd hit a wall and that worked for a while. Then myself and eventually him. I stopped this eventually and was 'clean' for a year. Had a slight relapse lately which I'll go into later.

    His family eventually did not want me in their house and we made that work with him coming to me (because of his issues he does not work and never has) for 8 months, I guess. Then I said to him last summer that our relationship could not grow as it was. He lived 20 miles away and it's not possible really. I gave him the option of moving in or us splitting up in November. He moved in.

    It was meant to be bliss but we'd argue about the stupidest of things. Because I was at work all day he'd do the housework so if I came home and dishes hadn't been put back, or floor hadn't been done properly whatever I';d get ****** off. In my mind I was working all day and had little spending money just so we could live together and where was his effort?

    His mum had since been diagnosed with Alhzeihmers and he helped her out because his dad works LONG hours and his sister, who also lives at home, works. We agreed on him going over there 2/3 times a week. We got into a big argument over the phone (started over something os silly and nothing!) and he said he was leaving so I rushed home from work and stopped him. Apologised for the nasty thing I had said. The next week I was home on the Fri. and we had a massive row.

    He was promising to get a jbo - any job - and as I was off and there is a domestic cleaners agency across road so suggested we go there and outside he said he didn't want to go in. The week before he told me he needed me to be tough about him doing things so instead of being supportive I went on tough mode and it became a fight. Because he hit my arm to let go of his I saw RED! and was just a nasty *****. We eventually went back to the flat which is where the violence slip up happened. I held myself back a lot but poked him and prodded him. At one point he was on floor and i was being nasty ******** and kicked him with my foot, not a hard kick, and called him pathetic or some other nasty thing like it. He also shoved me several times and got nasty because I wouldn't let him go. It's my fear you see so when we argue like this if he makes like he wants to go I don't let him.

    It took a while but we made it up and the next day he was going to his mums. I didn't want him to because I was having bad panic and he offered to stay but I thought about his mum needing help and told him he should go and I would see him when he got back abut could he leave around 4 nd all was fine, even talked around 4 and asked if he could pick up pasta as i was making sauce.

    Takes around 2-2.5 hours so about 6 I got a text with him saying he needed time away, his mum needed so much help and because I asked him to come back his friends (who hate me for both good rweasons and also because they are jealous as he does all the running and they don't like the fact he has less time for them) were ****** off he wasn't going over there like he'd told them (except he had decided to spend the time with his mum instead yet because of him leaving EVERYTHING till last min. they got angry at being informed late in the day, I'm sure).

    I didn't hear from him for several days and on the Tues, when he came back because we were having a broken wondow fixed, I left my keys home so he would have to see me to give them back. I hated beign ignored. He came to my work and dropped HIS keys by the letterbox and texted me. I went outside but he was logn gone and when i got home his stuff was gone. We talked that night (tue) and he came over on Fri so we could go cinema.

    I gave him 3 options. 1 was him coming back, 2 was us going back to justdating but made clear this was a band-aid and not a long term thing because I couldn't have a relationship with him after he refused to return and 3 was never see each other again. He said he wanted 1 and was going to come back for Christmas (Fri being the 21st). He then text me and said he couldn't do xmas with me because his mum was upset by it (and his dad refused to have me in the house) so we did ours on the 24th.

    We both got ill and he was meant to come back on the 28th but didn'r. Droppedo ff a note outside my flat saying he couldn't live back because of his mum and elderly grandfather needing help. We spoke and I said it was unfair to just do that without giving the new system we'd talked about a try (which was all I wanted was him to sleep at ours, alternating weekends and 1 evening a week where he had to be back for 5. If he wanted to go help his mum out the rest of the time feel free as she's the one who'd pay his travel anyway) so we decided on a weeks trial.

    The two days I was meant to have he came late, a constant habit. On the Sat. just gone wherere he was going to his family for the day we argued a bit and off he went telling me, because i was upset I'd get some ****** text saying because we argued he wasn't coming back, he would return even if he had to take night bus back. I spoke to him in the evening and he seemed ****** off then later on he sent me a text telling me he had told me last week he was going to friedns on Sunday and I forgot and if he'd told me I would have gotten either upset or moody.

    He hadn't told me I'm sure and I bet he forgot himself until a text from a friedn reminded him but I was v upset and annoyed because even if he went off to friedns as planned he could have returned at night, like he'd practically promised. He says he wants to try, loves me, wants to be with me but I keep feeling so unimportant. I just want the happy life we talked about. I didn't have a go, not even when he forgot his phone at his parents and I didn't hear from him all day because if nothing else I am trying to work on my anger.

    Because of the forgotten phone part of me was suspicious so I logged on to his emails because I wanted to see what was going on in his head (and maybe if anything dodgy was going on we could finally call it a day). I didn't see anything relating to me too recent, only from about Sept. and others from early last year. It was hard reading someone else talk about you in a negative light but did give me food for thought in terms of how he thinksand feels.

    Thing is I'm not really that girl but because of his lies (though he has never given any indication of being unfaithful) I've checked his phone in the past too and I don't like it.

    Anyone sane would just kick things into touch but not only do I love him, and I do even if the trust is barely there the love is, I also don't want to give up on almost 3 years so easily and I don't want to be without him.

    Okay that was long, somewhat cathartic but it's not like this stuff is new to me. I wish I wouldn't be so angry all the time. I hate it!

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    Old 01-15-2008, 07:47 AM   #2
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    Sannah's Avatar
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    Re: Having read Tizzy's thread I am tempted to put one up of my own.

    Hi Diana, did that post help at all? Keep posting and maybe you will start to understand yourself better....

    Old 02-03-2008, 12:10 PM   #3
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    Wink Re: Having read Tizzy's thread I am tempted to put one up of my own.

    Hi dianna, thank you for reading my thread, im glad it helped you share your story.

    It seems to me you have issues with a few different things. Im sorry to here what happened with your family. I no how it feels to be put on believe me, my mum is now disabled and hardly gets out of bed coz of depression. Its very hard and alot to deal with by yourself. Maybe you should think of getting in some help to take some stress away from yourself. Your relationship sounds very frustrating, but the first thing is you need to learn how to love yourself first. Easy enough said i no for sure but true. I think this maybe the first step for you. Keep writing here, you can look back on it whenever you like and it will help more then you think. You are still young and i would definatly advise you try and deal with things now so you can live a happier life and future relationships will be much better

    Keep your chin up

    Tizzy x

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