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  • Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction



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    Old 03-04-2008, 05:04 PM   #76
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Baja-

    I've been following you for some time now and just wanted to say that your energy and positive attitude is incredible. Congrats on everything and appreciate you taking the time to log everything to help others.

    Ex

     
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    Old 03-04-2008, 05:48 PM   #77
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Baja you dawg, that is awesome you are going back to school. You are going to be great. I have been trying to get sober for a year and just talking and working stuff out here with you and everyone else its working. Your energy is wonderful Addiction Medicine RN thats what you need to do. When I was in detox those guys were a great support, just like I know you will be.

    If I could give you some advice treat your wife like you would treat one of us with kindness. You'll win her back keep the faith.

    Lots of Love to you both.

    Lori

     
    Old 03-05-2008, 02:03 AM   #78
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Thanks you all sooo much,
    I appreciate the Props. I feel I have to keep a positive attitude because at this point it is all I have left. I am not forcing the positive attitude upon myself rather I have made a decision to be positive and not let anyone get in the way of my dreams even my wife.

    Even my wife said it was a shame I never went to college. I am not braggin or gettin a fat head here but I am a very smart person. I can remember everything I read and most of what I hear. I graduated form high school with a 3.7 GPA.
    Unfortunatly my parents had devorced and I didn't have the guidence nor the finances to continue my education. I didn't even know about student loans so I got a job, well actually I had three jobs if anyone remembers 1980 during the Jimmy Carter days. It was tuff but I worked hard and lived on my own basically since I was 16yrs.

    Well I'm going to REACH for that dream I have always wanted. I like the RN because it is a broad field with many diferent specialites. If I get bored with the place or people I'm working with, I can go anywhere in the country and Canada and get a job. I would get a National certification. The fields I am intrested in is pediatriacs and addiction. I really love babies. I actually got to deliver my first born. Yup I got to pull her out and set her on mommys tummy. I think I said the words "OH MY GOD" a thousand times. I have been hooked ever since. I also helped deliver my second. She was in a bit of a hurry to get out so I didn't have to pull her out I had to put on a catcher mit

    My wife it really upset with me and it is just like REACH says. "Do I leave myself open to hurt again?" " Do I allow myself to trust again? What if it leads me to hurt again?" "What is going to happen to me in all of this?"
    This sounds like you and her have been talking. Did you get her phone numer Reach?
    Have you two been talkin'
    Just kidding but Your right. She has this wall up and I have stopped trying to break thru. I am just going to go on with my life, on the correct path, and follow my dreams. I will be a better person if she is by my side or not. I would naturally prefer that she would be by my side but my Dad told me "Worrying about it won't fix it. If she is going to leave there is nothing you can do about it. Just do the best you can and you will be fine" He should know, he has had 2 divorces and is now 69 yrs old and all alone. He lives 14 hrs from me so all we can do is talk on the phone. We talk 3 to 5 times a week. I also talk to me Mom every day.
    Both of my parents still drink too much and I think my Mom blames herself for my mess with addiction. I told her it was not anyones fault but mine. No one held me down and poured booze into my mouth or slipped pillz into my drinks. I am not stupid, I should have known it would destroy my life if I continued.

    But Oh well. We live and we learn.

    Maybe that is why I have gone thru this mess so I would get to school and become a RN and help people hurting and going thru the same things I went thru. I feel like this is my calling now and I am going to run with it. If I do something I enjoy I know I will be a happier person.

    Thanks again to all of you. You have been and continue to be a tremendous help to me on this journey on mine. It is comforting to know I am not walking alone as sometimes I feel.

    Oh I almost forgot. I'M ON DAY 29 TODAY !!!!

    You all have a great day.

    As Always,
    Peace.
    Baja

    Last edited by bajaboats; 03-05-2008 at 02:11 AM.

     
    Old 03-05-2008, 04:04 AM   #79
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Baja and anyone else who may want to answer,

    This maybe a stupid question but do you have urges to pop pills while into your recovery? Last Sunday at noon was the last time I took anything so I am almost 3 full days into my recovery. Emotionally I feel pretty darn good. I just keep having these thoughts that I miss my little friends. I try to remember when I quit smoking over 10 years ago about how my day was scheduled around my smokes. I smoked for over 15 years so I was a full blown addicted smoker. It's hard to remember that far back but I think I was pretty miserable for 6 months. I couldn't go to bars and I had a hard time being in social situations without being very tempted.

    My life is very different now. I was single and worked back then. Now I am a stay at home mom so I have much more time to sit around and think about the things I am missing. I have thought about picking up the cigs again just to substitute the absence of my pills. My motivation to get up and start moving is very low. I am just extremely anxious for my mind to be off my addiction. I have to believe it can happen because the smell of cigarettes and thought of smoking make me sick to my stomach.

    So my question is, does the urge go away? I'm not talking about physical cravings because I don't have that. I just have an urge to take something to take the edge off and make the thought of getting thru a day easier.

     
    Old 03-05-2008, 06:53 AM   #80
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Hi

    Cravings and urges to pop a pill. I know many write about this. For me, I did not have any mental cravings or urges to use extra pills while tapering or when I stopped. I think I understand why.

    I think that when I broke down so completely, I knew I was literally fighting for my life. I knew that by instinct and by the facts of the shape I was in. I couldn't hide anymore from what was happening to me. I was so open to help, so desperate for help, so scared out of my wits that I absorbed and clung for dear life to all the words of hope and help offered by people on the board and professionals in my world.

    I couldn't hide anymore. It wasn't an option if I wanted to live. The pills were my hiding agent. I was able to use the pills and zone out of life, including my own life. Zoning out and participating are the opposite spectrums in living. Can't live simutaneously on two ends of the same spectrum. Popping pills was a habit of coping. When I decided to fight to live, stopping the habit became ingrained in my thoughts. It became so not an option for me that it just didn't cross my mind. As I began to learn new coping skills in life, as I began to discover more fully what the things were that I was actually hiding from, I became more and more sober thinking. And sober thinking just did not include thoughts of using for me.

    I still have urges to hide. No where near the amount that I had a year ago, though. When the urges to hide come, I have new skills that have become habit for me to use. And the skills just don't include pills.

    I think that the cravings to use remain, perhaps, until new coping skills are introduced to the brain and become habits.

    There was a guy who used to do a lot of posting here and often he tried to goad people, me included. No matter where any one was in tapering, quitting, and no matter how much the progress, he would goad. He was an alcoholic who had not had a drink in a long time. He was also, in my opinion, a dry drunk. He was not drinking, but he had never reached sober thinking. He had magnificent pride in his being able to not have a drink, but never recognized that he had accomplished that and then never moved forward in his life. He was stuck at not having a drink. Sober, but no new coping skills that allowed him to really find recovery and restoration that would allow him to live his life happily. Sober, but not sober thinking.

    If there are urges, cravings, to pop a pill, I think we can use that as a sign that we need to learn new coping skills. Detox and withdrawal are so hard in themselves, but the need after them is to discover new ways of thinking and coping. It is why aftercare is so vital and can never be missing in our plans. Sobriety is not a single goal, but a series of non stop goals that we always need to work on.

    If cravings come, they come. Know that it is simply something to recognize as something to address. The brain is falling back into something we felt was working for us at one time. A habit it has been trained to recognize as a course of action. So, we teach that old brain new tricks and when it recognizes that the new tricks are far healthier than the old one, it will accept them and make them the first habit to pop into the thoughts. Don't fear the cravings... fight them with the tools you are gathering! Practice with the new tools the same way there was practice involved to learn the time tables. We keep practicng thoughts and they become second nature to us.

    Never Succint
    Chuckles
    reach

     
    Old 03-05-2008, 05:42 PM   #81
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Hey There diamondgirl19,

    I couldn't have said it better than Reach did. As usual, She is wonderful.

    I myself have not had a craving to pop another pill. I guess I made up my mind when I went to zero day that I was not going to step back into that life. I always had the coping skills inside me I was just hiding behind the pillz so I didn't have to do the hard work, LIFE is hard no matter how you cut it.

    Sure, I still get stressed and overwhelmed at times but now I take a break from what I'm doing if I feel I'm overwhelmed. I am usually always stressed so I have had to make some decisions about what I am doing with my life and I have set some personal goals to follow. A personal assessment if you will (that I have to do continously). This included less stress or I should say less self induced stress.

    I have made a consious decision to fight and not flight. I really don't miss the pillz at all. I feel sooo much better and thinking sooo much clearer that I really don't want to go back.

    At first I thought the pillz were increasing my performance and maybe they were at first but like everything else in life, It does not last forever. I had to use more and more to get the same feeling and the next thing I knew my performance was tapering and at a rapid rate. Fortunately I saw it before I killed myself or someone else for that matter and got clean. I enjoy myself when I'm clean and sober.

    I go to the shrink (I don't mean any disrespect just easier to type that ), Once a week to talk about my life and he has some good suggestions and others that I don't agree with. I just take what I want and leave the rest on the table. After all, this is my life and I am ultimately the person that will be impacted by my decisions.

    I, like Reach, have had to change my way of thinking. I had the correct thinking in there all along ( I think we all do), I just lost track of it for a while.

    If you have made it 3 days clean you will have no problem going to 4 and 5 and beyond. Trust me. It gets easier. Just keep your mind busy. Anything you can do to keep your mind off the junk. I mean anything. Soon you will forget about those little helpers and your brain will heal it's self. We were all born with the coping skills, they are just hiding you right now. Trying to get you to take the easy way out. Time does heal all wounds.

    You just hang in there. Those craving are just the key stone cops in your brain trying to remember how to do their jobs and their lazy from the DOPE. They want you to give them a little help (DOPE) to make their jobs easier, but don't worry, they will remember how to do their jobs again. It just takes a little time.

    Be assured you are in my prayers. Big Hugs to you and Reach!!

    And as always,
    PEACE.
    Baja

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 02:02 AM   #82
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Well can you beleive it!!
    I'm 30 Days today at 7AM !!!!
    Don't miss it a bit.
    I feel great!!!
    Even the yawns are get fewer and farther between.

    I got signed up for school Yesterday. My entrance exam is in two weeks and they think I may be able to test out of 4 to 6 classes because of my prior education which would save me some money. I'm going for the RN program.

    I have another school to check out today. I am pretty excited about all this right now but also a little scared to be starting school again at 43 almost 44 years old but I know I can do it.
    My wife just did it and I know if she can do it I sure can.

    Wish me luck on my new journey and pray for me on my journey of sobriety.

    Thanks again to all.

    Big Wave to everyone that has been praying for me!!

    Thanks everyone

    As Always,
    PEACE.
    Baja.

    Last edited by Administrator; 06-11-2010 at 04:55 PM.

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 04:51 AM   #83
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Mornin' Baja

    Just have to tell you that I am excited for you about school. I think you are going to love it.

    You know what? I was 43 when I made the decision to go to college also! I had married young, raised children and decided it was my time. And personally, I think we appreciate the learning even more when we go back to school at older ages. I actually liked doing my homework and writing the papers and doing the math. My kids told me I was a geek, and I loved being one. Chuckles. One of my favorite classes was a class in Shakespeare, of all things. I struggled reading through the first couple of plays with the language, but it got easier as I went along and it came to a point where I even read plays that were not assigned simply for the sheer pleasure. Titus Andronicus was like reading a crazy Steven King thing. My favorite, though, was A Comedy of Errors. I would laugh out loud like anything reading it. It really is funny.

    I didn't get to finish and get a degree. Some long term health issues invaded my life and became a bigger priority. That is okay, though, because I got a lot of pleasure while I was going. I learned a lot and knowledge is always a good thing, huh? Oh, I think you will just love it. What an exciting time in life for you!

    Nursing. You will be great. You are a person who knows how to reach out for help and how to reach out and give help. That trait will be a driving force in your success. Life can be so good, huh? Smiles for you.

    30 days. Congratulations, Buddy. Keep marching forward. There is a lot of life yet to be discovered.

    Manana
    reach

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 07:02 AM   #84
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Thanks Reach,
    Got a meeting with the shrink today at 1PM.

    My Weekly with him. I think were on to something with my hyperactivity. I am more aware of it in my sober state of mind. I never had any problems with it before but then again I was using booze for years and alot of booze. I was still able to function. Once I quit the booze I started to notice it but gave it no thought. I wish I would have back then and maybe I wouldn't be in this mess today? Hind sight is always 20 - 20.

    I just have to stay focused and Prioritize always paying attention to my mental condition so I don't fall down again. It seems like I always do it to myself looking back now. I asked for all the stress practially beggin for more. Not any more. It's all about me then I will be better able to care for others. A new way of thinking like you have said.

    Thanks for the Props Reach!!!

    BIG HUGS!!

    Peace.
    Baja

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 05:53 PM   #85
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    HI There Baja!
    Congratulations on the the 30 days!!!! You are doing great. I have officially been off of the Norco now for 6 days!!! First couple of days were a little tough but because I had tapered off so slowly it was not too bad. NEVER WANT TO TAKE THAT STUFF AGAIN!!! Still having a tough time sleeping though.

    Wishing you the best with school. What a great goal, something to work toward! I went back to school in my 30's and I would agree with Reach, you do appreciate learning much more.

    Well you are in my prayers!
    Sending you a wave and a hug!
    Laurie434

     
    Old 03-06-2008, 08:09 PM   #86
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Hey Baja.

    You're doing great, man. It's good to hear that PAWS didn't happen for ya.

    So, you're off to the rigor of higher education. Good for you, bud. You'll like it. I think that 186 credits get you a bachelor's degree, but that only happens if you stick with your discipline. I had 220+ credits because I liked the learning process and kept switching majors.

    mike

     
    Old 03-07-2008, 03:29 AM   #87
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Thanks Mk And Laurie,

    I feel good about the college thing too.
    I have had no signs of PAWS at all. It might be because I suffer from hyperaticivity?
    My Shrink calls it Hypermania. I think that sounds like I'm a crazy person but I know I'm not. I just have way too much energy and think too fast. I also have AADD he says which goes hand in hand with the Hypermainia. I'm on a med for that but I still am hyperactive.

    Good news about the wife.
    I got on some other boards and bought a couple books and followed their suggestions.
    One thing I learned is to stop trying so hard, not be so needy. In a way just be there as a friend but basically give up trying so hard to make things work. I was also told to quit sayin the words "I Love You" ? Two days ago she was having a tuff time. I remained cool and didn't beg for forgiveness as usuall. I just told her I understood and I believe that if you love something then let it go. I think that really hit home with her. I told her I was going to make arrangements for a place to live away from her if SHE decided she wanted me to go. I was kind and understanding and I told her I didn't like to see her hurting. I said it was up to her and she had to make the decision but I would support her in what ever decision she made.

    Man what a 180 on her part. I think as soon as she realized I was not going to fight and willing to do what ever she decided she did a 180. I know we have a long haul but she called me three times during work yesterday and each time she told me she really does love me. I still have not said the words I Love you back, I just say "I know you do honey."

    She sees me going back to school for a RN position. She said she thinks I should go for computers. I am not only great with computers (Programing, building, repairing, networking, servers, you name it) but I love computers too. It would be my first choice for a happy job but I have to realistic (I have no college in computers, I'm self taught so I would need 4 to 6 years of school to get a good job). RN jobs are in the highest demand and I love to help people so I feel I would be just as happy in that field (I can get my RN in 2 to 2.5 years). I love to race dirt bikes too but I can't make a living at it

    Well yesterday she was in a great mood and opened the doors for conversation, Meaningful conversation this time not Baja Bashing as usual.
    I also told her I had to go for the college for ME. I would need a way to support myself and my children if her and I were together or of we were not.
    I think the "I don't give a **** attitude" is working. Don't get me wrong. I am not being cocky or cruel or mean, I'm just suggesting to her that I would be fine with what ever she does. I do care but I am not showing the crying and begging as I was earlier.

    I think that she likes the fact that I am willing to take that task on and be strong.

    I might be getting my MAN CARD back soon

    Oh , Today is day 31 for me. I made it ONE WHOLE MONTH without the junk

    I hope this gives everyone hope that it can be done. I am a real person with feelings of anxiety and depression just like all of you out there. I have had to dig deep and hold on but it is sooooo worth it when you start to see the benefits. They are small at first but with hard work they get bigger and bigger. Here's a thought, Maybe the benefits don't actually get bigger but the fact that I'm seeing the world thru sober eyes magnifies them. I'm going to go with that one

    I really think there is hope for all of us.

    Thanks again to every one and thank God it's Friday!!! TGIF

    As Always,
    Peace.
    Baja

    Last edited by bajaboats; 03-07-2008 at 03:33 AM.

     
    Old 03-07-2008, 03:35 AM   #88
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    OMG Baja! The "Man Card" !!! You are a trip! I am happy for you---good going! Happiness for the whole family, that is what it is all about!

    Have an awesome day!
    ~Angie
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    Old 03-07-2008, 03:42 AM   #89
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Thanks Angie
    Us guys NEED that man card. It is biological to be THE MAN for us
    I hoping for more snow this weekend. I got a big let down this week but I'm getting told by the weather Peeps that we might get another 6 inches this wekend

    Have a GREAT day,
    BIG HUGS,

    Peace.
    Baja

    Last edited by bajaboats; 03-07-2008 at 03:43 AM.

     
    Old 03-08-2008, 04:45 AM   #90
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    Re: Baja's Journey "THE ROAD OUT" Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alcohol Addiction

    Morin' All.
    No New news. I still feel great. Better every day!!

    Going to go skiing today, It might be my last time out at out local hill by the looks of the weather here.
    We have plans to go to Boyne Highlands for Crazy Days next weekend with the whole family. They usually have snow for skiing until the end of march. Big party with funny hats and costumes. People trying to ski over ponds of water, just crazy stuff.

    Well this is day 32 and still going strong.

    Thanks again all and have a good weekend

    Peace.
    Baja

     
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