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    Old 04-02-2008, 10:16 AM   #1
    completeopposit
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    my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    i have been dating this guy for two months and we get along great. he told me early on that his best friend is, and i quote, "the only woman he's ever loved." he's since gone on to tell me in even greater detail how much he loved her and pined for her for years before she finally decided to date him. they dated for a year, realized it wasn't working, and have since remained good friends.

    on the surface and in my rational mind, i know there is nothing wrong with this. in fact, it's great that they could remain friends. personally, i am not capable nor do i have any desire to remain friends with my exes for the very problem it presents to my relationship with him now. i can't shake feeling intimidated by the intimacy they share as best friends considering the role she played in the past. it makes me uncomfortable knowing how much he loved her at one point in time. i don't feel that he told me those things in malice. i really think he's just too oblivious to realize how damaging his words are. but the bottom line is: their friendship makes me uncomfortable and i don't know if i can get past it.

    he and i have spoken about this for hours on end only to ultimately agree to disagree. i've always felt that people who remain friends after a break up are just holding on or have some other underlying agenda. i don't understand why he would hold onto her friendship so tightly at the detriment of us. this also caused a problem for him with other women in the past, not just me. i'm a very confident person and i rarely get jealous and if i do, i usually have good reason for it. this has become a deal breaker for me because despite his efforts, and he has been trying, he still waxes on about the love he had for her. however, he is not willing to adjust his friendship with her in any way to make me feel comfortable, i.e., distance himself or place me as a priority.

    at one point, he openly compared his love for me with his love for her and he doesn't understand why that bothers me.

    i am trying to gauge how this situation might make other people feel. every time i speak to him, he makes me feel like i'm the only person in the world who would have a problem with this. i think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. i have no desire to give him an ultimatum since it would be an empty victory at best but honestly, i don't think he would choose me. your thoughts? would this be a deal breaker for anyone else?

     
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    Old 04-02-2008, 10:57 AM   #2
    jen52983
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend. He is still friends with a couple of his ex's and good friends with one particular ex. My rationality and insecurities were at war!! lol I am friends with a few of my ex's so I "knew" that it shouldn't be an issue.. why was it ok for me, and not for him!? But my insecure side saw this one girl as a threat... they share more in common, I felt she looked better than me, I dubbed her his "what if" girl.

    The difference with my situation and yours is that my boyfriend doesn't compare our relationships or remind me of how much he liked/loved her. (Maybe its because it never went that deep for him, I dont know.) I learned not to ask question I really don't want answers to. Your boyfriend is probably just trying to be honest with you, not realizing exactly what he's saying how it comes across.

    You've only been together for 2 months. That's not very long.. and it's normal to have insecurities in those beginning months. You're still in the learning stages of your relationship. It is probably true that he was head over heels for this girl... but it's also true that they both realized that they just made better friends. My boyfriend and i have now been together a little over 2 yrs and I'm so thankful that I didn't let my insecurities and imagination get the best of me. I see now that him and his "What if" girl really are just not compatible.. much much better off as friends... just like me and one of my ex's.

    It was about 6 months or so into our relationship where I was able to let go of a lot of those insecurities.

    Tell him that you've already heard the stories and that you're glad he's been honest with you, but that he doesn't need to talk about it over and over. If he can drop the constant reminders then you can more easily work on getting passed it.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 11:34 AM   #3
    happymom28
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    My husband is also really good friends with one of his exgirlfriends. They ultimately decided that they made much better friends. When I met my husband he told me all about her and has mentioned the word "love" in reference to her, but he assured me it was only as he would love any of his friends (and he is a wonderful friend). Even though she lived in another state they talked all of the time for hours on end. They were very close. The first time she came out here when we were dating he insisted I go out with them and meet her. He knew that if I met her I would fall in love with her too. Now, I have to admit, I was intimidated. I mean, they had 10 years of history and we had been dating 2 months. But he was right. She is a great person and now one of my best friends.

    But enough about my situation. I would be intimidated too if I were in your situation. I mean, who would be comfortable with their boyfriend comparing his past relationship with their own? I think it's normal to be intimidated by opposite sex friendships (especially with exes) that you don't know much about. But have you met her yet? I have a feeling that if you actually meet her and get to know her you will see that they are friends for a reason. All his (badly chosen) words may be an effort to try to get you to see that she is a great friend to him. If you really do care for him then try to get to her and their friendship. The more you know the less intimidated you will feel. At least, that was how it was for me.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 11:37 AM   #4
    cadburyschick
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    My husband is also really good friends with one of his exgirlfriends. They ultimately decided that they made much better friends. When I met my husband he told me all about her and has mentioned the word "love" in reference to her, but he assured me it was only as he would love any of his friends (and he is a wonderful friend). Even though she lived in another state they talked all of the time for hours on end. They were very close. The first time she came out here when we were dating he insisted I go out with them and meet her. He knew that if I met her I would fall in love with her too. Now, I have to admit, I was intimidated. I mean, they had 10 years of history and we had been dating 2 months. But he was right. She is a great person and now one of my best friends.
    But enough about my situation.
    What an admirable story!

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 11:44 AM   #5
    CyberNick
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    It's not so much the friendship that would bother me, but more that he compares you to her and consistently talks about how much he used to love her. I mean yeah, it's fine that she's the only girl he ever loved and that's all good and well. But does he really need to talk about how great she was and how you measure up to her?

    I personally don't agree with being good friends with exes, especially best friends. It is almost never possible to salvage a decent relationship after the pain of a breakup in my opinion, and if you do there's usually lingering feelings and emotions leftover from the times you had and spent together anyways. With the few exes I have kept in touch with it's usually a hello every few odd months or years just to see if they're still alive.

    I don't think I could date someone who was best friends with an ex-boyfriend and who compared me to him on top of that. Everyone has different thresholds of what they will and won't tolerate, and it's just about finding your own lines and boundaries that you are comfortable with. It's okay not to be cool with this, a lot of people I know would not be. But some people I'm sure wouldn't care at all.

    The only thing you can really do is to communicate how all of this is making you see him. It may get better in time, it may not, but as long as he knows how you feel then it's really up to him to decide how to act and up to you to decide if you will tolerate it or not.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 11:53 AM   #6
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CyberNick View Post
    It's not so much the friendship that would bother me, but more that he compares you to her and consistently talks about how much he used to love her. I mean yeah, it's fine that she's the only girl he ever loved and that's all good and well. But does he really need to talk about how great she was and how you measure up to her?

    I personally don't agree with being good friends with exes, especially best friends. It is almost never possible to salvage a decent relationship after the pain of a breakup in my opinion, and if you do there's usually lingering feelings and emotions leftover from the times you had and spent together anyways. With the few exes I have kept in touch with it's usually a hello every few odd months or years just to see if they're still alive.

    I don't think I could date someone who was best friends with an ex-boyfriend and who compared me to him on top of that. Everyone has different thresholds of what they will and won't tolerate, and it's just about finding your own lines and boundaries that you are comfortable with. It's okay not to be cool with this, a lot of people I know would not be. But some people I'm sure wouldn't care at all.

    The only thing you can really do is to communicate how all of this is making you see him. It may get better in time, it may not, but as long as he knows how you feel then it's really up to him to decide how to act and up to you to decide if you will tolerate it or not.

    That makes a lot of sense, thank you. I have definitely communicated how I feel and his response is to tell me that I can get over it, not that he's willing to make any compromises or concessions. I suppose reassuring me that he thinks that I can get over it should be good enough but it's not. I've tried ending it with him on Sunday night and last night only to be met with a lot of resistance and feet stamping about resenting me if he lost his best friend. I think he has also already made up his mind. Ironically, he says he will resent her if I leave him. To me, this is the situation he created for himself but honestly, I'm sure that they will keep on keepin on. Such is life. Thanks for listening.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 12:21 PM   #7
    jen52983
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    I understand that a female best friend is intimidating, but its unfair of you to ask him to stop being friends with her... (not sure if you actually have)... but if you did/do it would show major insecurity issues on your part, and make you look controlling and immature.

    i should have added to my original post that, like happymom, meeting the ex helped me get over the issues I had with her. It wasn't right away of course..but the more we all hung out as friends and I saw how they interacted, I saw how much they really were just friends.

    If its something that you can't tolerate then that's your business. Most people I know though are friends with at least one or two ex's.. so in the future, this guy or another, you'll most likely come across these issues again.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 12:26 PM   #8
    Kszan
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Why don't you try to get to know her, too and see if you can become friends with her? The better you know her, the more comfortable you will feel around her, and perhaps you will see that maybe their relationship is definitely just a friendship and nothing for you to feel insecure about.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 12:29 PM   #9
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Honestly, I think it's immature to stay friends with exes in the first place. To me these people are simply holding on to the past and not trying to let go. For him to be friends with an ex is not an issue; he has other friends in this category. For him to be 'best' friends with an ex is another story.

    I have not nor shall I ask him to end his friendship but in order for me to stay, he would have to. He can take it or leave it, hence his belly aching. Me having this desire is not immature. I know what I want and what makes me feel comfortable and I'm simply letting him know. I can get past female friends, even exes as friends, but it seems like something is up with this one.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 12:35 PM   #10
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    Why don't you try to get to know her, too and see if you can become friends with her? The better you know her, the more comfortable you will feel around her, and perhaps you will see that maybe their relationship is definitely just a friendship and nothing for you to feel insecure about.

    there are a couple of issues with this. The first being that she lives abroad. The second being that she is annoyed by the fact that they're friendship bothers me. This is not the best basis for getting to know someone. My boyfriend tells her pretty much everything I say (hence my problem with this intimacy they share). From what I gather, she's not my biggest fan.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 12:41 PM   #11
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    i think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. i have no desire to give him an ultimatum since it would be an empty victory at best but honestly, i don't think he would choose me. your thoughts? would this be a deal breaker for anyone else?
    You are correct, he wants his cake and eat it too. I doubt that he could find very many women that would be OK with this...of course some women would be OK but I believe very few! It would be a deal breaker as soon as he told me how much he "LOVES" her! The minute she wants him back, he'll be right back with her IMHO. Well that's what would always be going through my head. It was very stupid of him to tell you that he "LOOOOOOOOOVES" her so much. Not smart at all!
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    Old 04-02-2008, 12:43 PM   #12
    hoopty
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    there are a couple of issues with this. The first being that she lives abroad. The second being that she is annoyed by the fact that they're friendship bothers me. This is not the best basis for getting to know someone. My boyfriend tells her pretty much everything I say (hence my problem with this intimacy they share). From what I gather, she's not my biggest fan.

    This is sooooooo wrong for a relationship for him to be running to another woman to tell her everything. I don't think I'd invest too much more time in this relationship...you'll never match up to "miss wonderful".
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    Old 04-02-2008, 01:00 PM   #13
    happymom28
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    If you can't accept his friendship with this ex then you shouldn't be together. You may not believe in being friends with an ex for some reason or another, and that is your right. But it is also his right to be friends with whomever he chooses.

    I just don't think the two of you are compatible. There are plenty of people out there who feel the same way you do about exes being friends. Heck, I use to be one of them. Instead of beating a dead horse with a guy who will not drop his friend for you why don't you find a guy who feels the same way as you do about the subject? No matter how inappropriate you feel their friendship to be you can't expect him to change it for you. When you get into a relationship you either accept them as they are or you move on. Don't get caught up in the idea of trying to change someone because I've never seen it happen.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 01:10 PM   #14
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Hmmm, yeah, I do understand why you would feel this way.

    I too would be wondering - "If she comes back, or asks for him back, will he go runnning back to her? After all, he said she is the only woman he has ever loved."

    He isn't making you feel desirable or the only woman in his life - and that for me would be the deal breaker.

    It doesn't help you knowing that she isn't your biggest fan.

    He doesn't sound like a great catch - why is he telling you all of this?

    Surely, at two months, shouldn't he be on his best behaviour, in the honey moon phase, trying to impress you?

    You've been dating for two months. This seems like a hell of a lot of drama, well it seems that way to me, anyway.

    Last edited by cadburyschick; 04-02-2008 at 01:11 PM.

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 01:48 PM   #15
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    I have to agree. It's only been two months. And if a man I was dating were doing and saying these things to me, what I would hear is "She is paramount in my life. You'll never measure up to her, she's the most important woman who will ever be in my life and if you want to be with me you will have to settle for being second best. I love her, and that's that." I mean c'mon, is this guy really that stupid that he honestly doesn't get why you don't want to hear him carry on and on and on about how much he loves his ex lover? To him she's a friend, great, but to you, she's an ex lover. He's not being at all sensitive to that. If it is truly and completely innocent and platonic, then this guy's one of the biggest idiots I've ever heard of.

    I can understand being on friendly terms with an ex, or even being friends, but best friends, and especially when he carries on and on about how much he loved/loves her and worst of all, comparing his love for her to his love for you, and even though you didn't say exactly what he said, I'm guessing you are the on who came up short in the comparison.

    Being friends is one thing, but to be honest, these two sound like a lot more than just friends. It doesn't sound like he's over her, and it doesn't really sound like she's over him, either. A real friend in her position would say "oh my, I'm sorry she's annoyed. Why don't we set up a meeting or something where she can get to know me and won't be so threatened of the situation. I want for her to be comfortable with me and I want you to be happy and find love with someone!" But that's not what she told him. She is treating you like an adversary, which you wouldn't be if all she were interested in were friendship with this guy. I'd be willing to bet a rather large wad that these two will be lovers again. They are not done with each other. I'm asking myself, if they love each other soooo much and are each other's best friend, so much so that anyone who doesn't totally unconditionally accept how they want to run the relationship has to be run off, if they adore each other and need each other soooo much, then why aren't they together? My guess is, it won't be long before are asking themselves and each other the very same question. I'd give it a little more time, STOP nagging him about her totally, and see how it plays out, and not get attached or invested until you see exactly where it's headed. Good luck.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 04-02-2008 at 01:58 PM.

     
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