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    Old 04-02-2008, 02:39 PM   #16
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    I can understand being on friendly terms with an ex, or even being friends, but best friends, and especially when he carries on and on about how much he loved/loves her and worst of all, comparing his love for her to his love for you, and even though you didn't say exactly what he said, I'm guessing you are the on who came up short in the comparison.

    Surprisingly, he tells me that he's never felt the way he feels about me before. He definitely made comparisons but I came out on top. I'm still bothered that he felt the need to make the comparison in the first place, regardless of how he feels for me. He actually considered the comparison a compliment. And that let me know that she's on a pedestal when being compared to her should be deemed flattering.

    By the way, thanks for the great responses from everyone. I was looking for a broad perspective and I appreciate everyone's input. Please continue!

     
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    Old 04-02-2008, 02:47 PM   #17
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    Surprisingly, he tells me that he's never felt the way he feels about me before. He definitely made comparisons but I came out on top. I'm still bothered that he felt the need to make the comparison in the first place, regardless of how he feels for me. He actually considered the comparison a compliment. And that let me know that she's on a pedestal when being compared to her should be deemed flattering.
    Hmmmm....well, then it could be that really is just completely dense and just doesn't understand anything at all about women. I know it's hard to be objective when you're in the situation. Like I said, for now, just play it cool, enjoy his company for what it is for now. All you really need to say about her for the time being is "she sounds great. I'd like to meet her sometime."

     
    Old 04-02-2008, 02:49 PM   #18
    shorti
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    Honestly, I think it's immature to stay friends with exes in the first place. To me these people are simply holding on to the past and not trying to let go. For him to be friends with an ex is not an issue; he has other friends in this category. For him to be 'best' friends with an ex is another story.

    I have not nor shall I ask him to end his friendship but in order for me to stay, he would have to. He can take it or leave it, hence his belly aching. Me having this desire is not immature. I know what I want and what makes me feel comfortable and I'm simply letting him know. I can get past female friends, even exes as friends, but it seems like something is up with this one.
    i think you kind of contradicted yourself in this statement. you said that you think its immature to stay friends with exes in the first place, then you go on to say that for him to be friends with an ex is not an issue. sorry but that sounds like a contradiction to me and it seems like you are bothered by him being friends with an ex period. i understand he said he loved her and all this and i too would not be comfortable with that situation. i also wouldnt be comfortable with him telling her about all our problems.

    but sorry, i have to disagree with you that its immature to stay friends with an ex. my boyfriend is friends with an ex. im yet to meet her but this only because they never see each other so there hasnt been an opportunity although this sunday i will be meeting her. she is in a very serious relationship herself, moved in with the guy and is pretty much engaged. her boyfriend, and myself have no problem with them being on speaking terms. they are both in their early thirties, they are adults and this is an adult friendship. now, my ex is my boyfriends best friend. they have been friends for 20 years. i met his best friend, we dated for 6 months, that didnt work out and we continued to remain friends. then all of a sudden i started hanging out with his best friend and one year later we started dating. i lost my virginity to my boyfriends best friend. he doesnt seem worried at all. im not holding onto the past by being in contact with my ex. the only reason im in contact with him anyway is because im in a relationship with his best friend. im sure over time, the friendship would of naturally dropped off to a hello once in a blue moon. besides this ex of mine is now really interested in this other girl. she likes him too and i hope they get together because you know what, id be really happy for him. so us exes are not holding onto the past, nor do we have secret agendas.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 07:38 AM   #19
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by shorti View Post
    i think you kind of contradicted yourself in this statement. you said that you think its immature to stay friends with exes in the first place, then you go on to say that for him to be friends with an ex is not an issue. sorry but that sounds like a contradiction to me and it seems like you are bothered by him being friends with an ex period. i understand he said he loved her and all this and i too would not be comfortable with that situation. i also wouldnt be comfortable with him telling her about all our problems.

    but sorry, i have to disagree with you that its immature to stay friends with an ex. my boyfriend is friends with an ex. im yet to meet her but this only because they never see each other so there hasnt been an opportunity although this sunday i will be meeting her. she is in a very serious relationship herself, moved in with the guy and is pretty much engaged. her boyfriend, and myself have no problem with them being on speaking terms. they are both in their early thirties, they are adults and this is an adult friendship. now, my ex is my boyfriends best friend. they have been friends for 20 years. i met his best friend, we dated for 6 months, that didnt work out and we continued to remain friends. then all of a sudden i started hanging out with his best friend and one year later we started dating. i lost my virginity to my boyfriends best friend. he doesnt seem worried at all. im not holding onto the past by being in contact with my ex. the only reason im in contact with him anyway is because im in a relationship with his best friend. im sure over time, the friendship would of naturally dropped off to a hello once in a blue moon. besides this ex of mine is now really interested in this other girl. she likes him too and i hope they get together because you know what, id be really happy for him. so us exes are not holding onto the past, nor do we have secret agendas.

    There is no contradiction in my belief that exes as friends are holding on and that I'm ok with his friendships in general. I do think it's immature and it's certainly not for me but I don't care if other people do it, even people I'm seeing. I have no desire to force my beliefs on anyone else. If I did, I would tell him to get rid of her point blank. It sounds to me like you are trying to justify your own situation by criticizing mine. I'm comfortable with myself inside and out and don't harbor insecurities about opposite sex friends, exes as friends, what have you. You are responding to my thread but going on about your own situation. If you're ok with that set up, great. Respect the fact that I'm not. I would never date within a friendship circle in the first place and I don't believe for one second that you don't have a secret agenda or aren't holding on. If that were true, why would you be so upset about my point of view? If you don't have anything constructive to say or a point of view to relay, please stay off my thread. I'm looking for advice, not blatant criticism.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 07:46 AM   #20
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Thanks again to everyone for the great insight. I always like to gauge myself on other people to make sure that I'm not crazy or the only person who feels this way.

    For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 07:54 AM   #21
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Ya know...along with the success stories come the stories of the woman that thought nothing of her BF/husband having an EX as a good friend only to be left on the door step when they decided to get back together! Ya just gotta use common sense...if a man is telling you that he loves someone else then LISTEN! It means "he loves someone else"! So often relationships just don't work out because people don't want to see what's going on...if there are red flags then don't invest a lot of time in a relationship. It's kind of hard to say though in your situation because it's such a new relationship. I think that maybe it's too soon to tell but still, don't ignore what's right in front of you!
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    Last edited by hoopty; 04-03-2008 at 07:56 AM.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 09:18 AM   #22
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    "For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated."

    My boyfriend and the ex I mentioned in my first post were classmates who started off as friends, then shortly after became a couple. They only dated a few months. Then my boyfriend broke it off with her b/c she was very up and down emotionally and at that point in his life he really didn't want something so unstable, he couldn't be there for her the way she needed him to be. I'm not sure if there was a time period between their breakup and their friendship.. but I know that they've been friends now for about 5 years, including their short relationship. I never really voiced my insecurities about their friendship until my boyfriend and I were together for about a year. So the circumstances of their friendship was just my own mind going back and forth with my rationality vs. my insecurities. Once i met her, hung out with her and their mutual friends my insecurities lessened and lessened. The one time I asked about their relationship (that's when I got the minor details about why they broke up) my boyfriend told me that now he cares for her like a sister, that he sees now that their personalities work as friends, but clash in a relationship. Jim and I were together for about 5-6 months when my intimidation faded. We've been together for just over 2 yrs and their friendship is not a problem with me. I'm no longer threatened at all by her. Once I became totally secure with Jim and our future, I let go of any relationship insecurities and intimidation that I felt in the beginning.

    Last edited by jen52983; 04-03-2008 at 09:19 AM.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 09:52 AM   #23
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated.
    Like I said in a previous post, my husband and his ex have been good friends for a long time. She had just moved from the midwest when they met. They hit it off as friends very well. My husband set her up with a friend of his and vice versa. Things didn't work out with those relationships, but there was no weirdness. They found themselves single and figured, "if we get along so well why not give it try?". This was a few years into their friendship. They never faught or anything, they just both felt like it was dating a brother or sister. So they went back to the way things were. She ended up moving back to the midwest right before I met my husband. He told me all about her as we were talking and getting to know eachother. When I met her (and her fiance which my husband never mentioned) I was put at ease. She was so nice and sweet and seemed genuinely happy for him. The other friend that came to dinner that night was the friend of her's that she set my husband up with and her husband. They were all just nice people and there was nothing to be insecure with. She now lives about 2 hours away from us. We all get together about once a month and spend the night at eachother's home. She is my youngest daughter's Godmother. My kids call her "auntie". I think of her as my husband's sister because that's how he views her. I don't see anything wrong with that.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 10:28 AM   #24
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    I don't think it's an issue that he is friends with his ex but I do have an issue with him comparing you guys. It's wrong, and you've only been together for 2 months. I feel like if even if you were to get to know her although she doesn't seem to like you, she could still be a problem. For him, having both of you means two different people he can run to. I think he likes the attention. He probably enjoys the fact that his ex doesn't like you and you don't like his ex. That way when your mad at him he can run to her and when he's mad at her he can run to you. I feel like if he is manipulating you by comparing you and telling you about how much he loved her. He is keeping you on your toes, some men love it when women get jealous although they might not admit it. It's an ego boost for him. And just remember that she doesn't like you now, and even if you were to get to know her, the minute you guys get into an argument, he will run back to her and she'll take his side.

    If I were you I'd leave him now.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 11:12 AM   #25
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    I agree that he shouldn't have compared you two.. but after reading a few of your responses on that I get the impression that he thought he was complementing you, letting you know that you're soooo much better then the only other girl he ever had strong feelings for. It may have been a bone-head way to do it, but I don't think he had hurtful intentions or was playing games.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 11:59 AM   #26
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jen52983 View Post
    I agree that he shouldn't have compared you two.. but after reading a few of your responses on that I get the impression that he thought he was complementing you, letting you know that you're soooo much better then the only other girl he ever had strong feelings for. It may have been a bone-head way to do it, but I don't think he had hurtful intentions or was playing games.

    I don't believe it was ill intended either. If I did, I wouldn't be debating anything, I would've walked away a while ago. I do believe that he cares for me but I believe he cares for her too. I don't know if I can share. I really care for him and I'm trying to justify this behavior but he keeps making it worse the more we try to speak about it. He's just so unwilling to see how I feel. And blancanieve is right as well. He's already been running to her when we have problems which is a huge reason why this bothers me. I even told him that I need him on my team, not hers. There's nothing wrong with going to your friends when you have a problem but going to "the only woman that you ever loved" to talk about me makes me uncomfortable. It's the way he's represented her and the fact that she's his closest friend. There's something fishy about that, right???

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 12:53 PM   #27
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    He's just so unwilling to see how I feel. And blancanieve is right as well. He's already been running to her when we have problems which is a huge reason why this bothers me. I even told him that I need him on my team, not hers. There's nothing wrong with going to your friends when you have a problem but going to "the only woman that you ever loved" to talk about me makes me uncomfortable. It's the way he's represented her and the fact that she's his closest friend. There's something fishy about that, right???

    You and I have a difference of opinion on remaining close friends with an ex so I don't think it's fishy that she is his closest friend... but since its a new relationship I totally understand why you do. I've been there, so I do honestly get that.

    I do agree that he shouldn't be running back to her telling her everything you're saying. My boyfriend did the same thing to me with a different ex of his in the first 3 months of our relationship. Lucky for me, as soon as I told him that it made me feel like crap that he would do that, and that it was rude of him and made me feel secondary he never did it again.

    Unfortunately I think this is something that can be blamed on guys just not thinking like girls. Not that it's an excuse.. just saying... they don't really get what the big deal is about passing along the information. If your boyfriend continues to tell her what you say, then its disrespectful and that, to me, is more of the issue then their friendship. You're flat out asking him not to repeat what you say to her and he is choosing to ignore your justified request.

    He needs to find the balance between confiding in a trusted friend and respecting his girlfriend. I think you can get over the fact that they're friends if he is willing and able to meet you half way on certain things. I'm not going to tell you that you should end it with him, b/c I don't see this as an unsolvable problem. I think there's some miscommunication, stubbornness, and insecurities issues.. all of which can be over come.. if you are both willing to compromise and work together on that.

     
    Old 04-03-2008, 04:12 PM   #28
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    There is no contradiction in my belief that exes as friends are holding on and that I'm ok with his friendships in general. I do think it's immature and it's certainly not for me but I don't care if other people do it, even people I'm seeing. I have no desire to force my beliefs on anyone else. If I did, I would tell him to get rid of her point blank. It sounds to me like you are trying to justify your own situation by criticizing mine. I'm comfortable with myself inside and out and don't harbor insecurities about opposite sex friends, exes as friends, what have you. You are responding to my thread but going on about your own situation. If you're ok with that set up, great. Respect the fact that I'm not. I would never date within a friendship circle in the first place and I don't believe for one second that you don't have a secret agenda or aren't holding on. If that were true, why would you be so upset about my point of view? If you don't have anything constructive to say or a point of view to relay, please stay off my thread. I'm looking for advice, not blatant criticism.
    im not criticising anyone. other people have given their stories too and im just doing the same. im not forcing anything onto anyone. if you think i have a secret agenda then thats not my problem. you dont know me or the people im friends with. i responded to what YOU said that you think its immature to be friends with exes. thats your opinion, great you're entitled to it. my opionion is that its not immature. im also entitled to that opinion too. we're not kids, some people can go on to having "adult" friendships. i also went on to say about your situation is that myself also would not be happy with my boyfriend comparing myself to his exes and saying how much he loved her or whatever. no i would not be happy and would be annoyed like you. this would make anyone feel uncomfortable in this situation. i would also not be comfortable with my boyfriend talking to his ex about our problems. so yes i do see red flags here coming from your boyfriend from what you have posted. now you have only been together for 2 months, so you should still be in the honeymoon stage. tell him how u feel if u havent already and if he wont listen or understand your point of view then its up to u whether u can put up with it or move on.

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 12:56 PM   #29
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Personally, I don't think anyone should give up a friendships because of girlfriend of boyfriend. Friends are important, they matter even once we have a partner. My husband is friends with an ex girlfriend, doesn't bother me, and has women freinds. The way I see it, I trust him, and if he wanted to be with her, he would have been. I see nothing wrong with staying friends, sometimes people date and realize they make better friends, not a big deal. I would say if this bothers you that much, this isn't the guy for you. You guys obviously have different ideas about relationships so why not just end it reather than him having to end a friendship just for you ( which I don't think he should by the way, if any guy ever told me to end a friendship or stop doing things I like to do, he would be gone)

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 01:28 PM   #30
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jennie250 View Post
    Personally, I don't think anyone should give up a friendships because of girlfriend of boyfriend. Friends are important, they matter even once we have a partner. My husband is friends with an ex girlfriend, doesn't bother me, and has women freinds. The way I see it, I trust him, and if he wanted to be with her, he would have been. I see nothing wrong with staying friends, sometimes people date and realize they make better friends, not a big deal. I would say if this bothers you that much, this isn't the guy for you. You guys obviously have different ideas about relationships so why not just end it reather than him having to end a friendship just for you ( which I don't think he should by the way, if any guy ever told me to end a friendship or stop doing things I like to do, he would be gone)

    I think you may have missed the point a bit. The issue isn't me asking him to stop being friends with someone. The issue is that he has made me uncomfortable about his friendship with a particular person and whether or not there's more to that or if I'm simply being insecure. I've said several times on this thread, I'm not bothered by opposite sex/ex friendships. He's made this one out to be much more than that, or has he? That's the question. But you're right, no one's ever going to tell me what to do but at the same time, one has to understand how any friendships with exes is going to look to other people and make concessions for that fact. That's just being considerate. My guy hasn't done that, hence the problem. I definitely think this scenario is fine in theory but in my particular situation, there are some caveats.

     
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