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    Old 04-04-2008, 01:46 PM   #31
    hoopty
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    The way I see it is, he has every right to be friends with whomever he wants to be friends with and LOVE whomever he wants to LOVE but you also have every right to not accept that and leave this relationship. I know that if I were beginning to date a man that was still in love with his ex gf and told me that he loved her more that anyone else...I'd be outta there so fast his head would spin right off his skinny *** neck! Ya know, relationships are hard enough without another woman in the picture to stir up discontent! To add a little bit to this...I've been in a relationship that I had to compete for affection with an EX and I will never ever do that again as long as I live. Certainly NO you don't have any right to tell him he can't hang around that woman but you certainly do have the right to leave!
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    Last edited by hoopty; 04-04-2008 at 01:47 PM.

     
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    Old 04-04-2008, 03:01 PM   #32
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    I guess I'm having a little trouble understanding you completeopposit. In one breath you say you don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships or exgirlfriend friendships. But in the next breath you say "one has to understand how any friendship with exes is going to look to other people and make concessions for that fact". Whether you realize it or not those two statements are completely contradictory. Why should the person with this friendship have to change because of how it looks to others? Why is that person responsible for someone else's insecurities?

    You are obviously not okay with this friendship and that is your right. I am not by any means saying that you are not entitled to that opinion. You have a right not to like it just as much as he has a right to have that friendship. But expecting someone to make "concessions" based on how his friendship looks to you is ridiculous. What kind of "concessions" do you expect him to make? You said that you wouldn't change for someone so why do you expect someone to change for you?

    This is what I meant when I said you have to accept someone for who they are or not be with him. This friend is part of his life and not someone he plans on getting rid of. You either need to accept that fact or move on.

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 04:12 PM   #33
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Personally I think the guy is living in a dream world if he thinks he can tell a woman he just started dating that he loves some other woman more than anyone else ever and expect that to be just peachy! That's just freakin' idiotic!
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    Last edited by hoopty; 04-05-2008 at 05:47 AM.

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 09:34 PM   #34
    shorti
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    .

    For those who have had success in dealing with exes in your significant others lives, what are the circumstances of that? How good of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Were they friends before being lovers? how long until you were comfortable with the situation? Your help is most appreciated.
    like happymom28, im having some trouble understanding you too. you shoot me down for explaining my situation, yet straight after you ask for other peoples situations. this does not make sense sorry. how on earth can we give advice if we dont explain our own experiences. dont we learn through experiences?

     
    Old 04-04-2008, 09:57 PM   #35
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    I guess I'm having a little trouble understanding you completeopposit. In one breath you say you don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships or exgirlfriend friendships. But in the next breath you say "one has to understand how any friendship with exes is going to look to other people and make concessions for that fact". Whether you realize it or not those two statements are completely contradictory. Why should the person with this friendship have to change because of how it looks to others? Why is that person responsible for someone else's insecurities?

    .
    exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
    now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

    the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.

    Last edited by shorti; 04-04-2008 at 10:03 PM.

     
    Old 04-05-2008, 04:49 AM   #36
    Kszan
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Some people just realize, after attempting a dating relationship, that they are better off as friends after all. That's a fact. So it has nothing to do with "holding on" to someone to be friends with an ex. I'm still friends with only one of my ex's, who is now married, although I'm single. I know that I have no desire to ever get back with him again but I like having him in my life as a friend. He still can make me laugh, which is cool. And his wife has met me several times and feels fine about me being friends with him. Of course the rest of my ex's can go to hell and I never want to see them again, but that's because they're idiots.

    Anyway, my point is that you're making a lot of generalizations based off your own opinion, which doesn't really have much merit in other peoples' lives. Just because you feel a certain way about it doesn't mean that it's the only way. And besides, I still can't see why you can't just try to be the better person and be friendly toward her and see how it goes. If she lives as far away as you said she does, then she's not a threat anyway, so you can just quit judging her and try to be nice. If nothing else, it will show her that you can take the high road, and maybe she will follow suit. You really have nothing to lose by attempting to be nice.

     
    Old 04-05-2008, 05:46 AM   #37
    hoopty
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    I don't see where she's waffling at all. She's saying that she can see that it's OK to be friends with an EX that you've realized that you just aren't that into them and there's nothing sexual there...her case is different, he's saying basically that they aren't dating eachother(she hasn't said why they don't date anymore-is it just because she moved away?) but he still loves her more than anyone else ever! Usually when someone decides to stay friends, they do it because they get along real good but there's no sparks. My guess is that the minute she moves back to town (after college?) then they will be right back together because they are still in love with eachother. And another thing he has going against him is that he's running to the Otherwoman to tell her everything that she says...that is a big fat NONO!!!!!

    You may have said but why are they not dating anymore since she's apparently the love of his life?
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    Last edited by hoopty; 04-05-2008 at 05:49 AM.

     
    Old 04-05-2008, 02:16 PM   #38
    jen52983
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    There's a difference also in telling someone about a girl you once loved, and saying Im in love with...

    I don't think her boyfriend has said "I'm still in love with my ex that is now my best friend." I bleive he's said "shes the only girl I've ever really loved and cared for, and you're so much better than her." (not an exacy quote, but I think that was the jist. Op, correct me if I'm wrong there.

    There's also a difference in loving someone and being in love.

     
    Old 04-05-2008, 02:23 PM   #39
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    Of course the rest of my ex's can go to hell and I never want to see them again, but that's because they're idiots..
    LOL.

    Sorry, nothing to add to this thread, but simply to laugh at the above quote.

    Go girl!

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 11:22 AM   #40
    completeopposit
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    I guess I'm having a little trouble understanding you completeopposit. In one breath you say you don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships or exgirlfriend friendships. But in the next breath you say "one has to understand how any friendship with exes is going to look to other people and make concessions for that fact". Whether you realize it or not those two statements are completely contradictory. Why should the person with this friendship have to change because of how it looks to others? Why is that person responsible for someone else's insecurities?

    You are obviously not okay with this friendship and that is your right. I am not by any means saying that you are not entitled to that opinion. You have a right not to like it just as much as he has a right to have that friendship. But expecting someone to make "concessions" based on how his friendship looks to you is ridiculous. What kind of "concessions" do you expect him to make? You said that you wouldn't change for someone so why do you expect someone to change for you?

    This is what I meant when I said you have to accept someone for who they are or not be with him. This friend is part of his life and not someone he plans on getting rid of. You either need to accept that fact or move on.

    This is not contradictory. For the third time, I don't have a problem with opposite sex friendships or friendships with exes. He has many female friends and remains friends with other exes. Why would I pick on this one if it were a problem for me inherently? There are consequences to every action every person makes. If he expects the world to accept his friendship as a friendship, then he should present it as a friendship. He has not done that. I have every right to ask and expect him to take my feelings into consideration if he wants me and this friend around at the same time. That's part of being in a relationship, compromising and taking care of the feelings of the one you're with. Accepting someone as is involves accepting that he works a low paying job that he enjoys or accepting that he is overweight and may always be. It does not, however, involve him making statements that negatively impact our relationship without regard to my feelings and letting that be ok. Every person on this earth has the right to ask for fair treatment. Most people, including him, don't even realize they're doing it or that it's hurting others. As much as I should accept that he has this ex as a friend, he should accept that the way he speaks of her makes me uncomfortable, by your logic. He can take or leave that. What's wrong with my asking him to do so which involves him accepting me and keeping me in his life? I don't think I'm wrong for asking for that and to just allow people to persist in this sort of bad behavior is not only doing a disservice to your relationship but to the other person as well. As I said, most people aren't even aware of the damage they're doing and in regards to my thread, you're ignoring the damage that has been done. It takes two people for a relationship to thrive or faulter.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 11:30 AM   #41
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by shorti View Post
    exactly the point i was making happymom28. obviously i didnt say it as well as you though. i dont think your husband has a secret agenda or is holding on and i dont think his ex is either. after all they moved on, got married and he has a child or 2 with you. what completeopposit has to realise is that if 2 people want to be together, dont you think they will be together? in happymom's situation, do u think her husband would of married her if he had a secret agenda and wanted his ex?
    now you asked for other people's situations so ill explain another situation. my boyfriend was in a serious relationship with one of his exes. they were together for 4 years, he loved her and was planning on marrying her. he is still in contact with her parents, brother and uncle but he sees them once ever 1-2 years, so its not often. i was upset over this too, after all he loved the girl and wanted to marry her. he told me, dont you think if i wanted my ex, i would get her phone number off her parents and go track her down. i can easily do that if i want to but as far as im concerned she is a dead pot plant. he simply respects her parents and thinks they are good people. not only this he was talking about her at one stage. i got upset but he told me that the people he dated shaped his life today. they were a part of his life and why should he forget that? i agree with him. he loved his ex too, he wanted to buy her a ring but he doesnt love his ex anymore and from what u said in your first post, he "loved" his ex. thats past tense. did u want him to lie to you to make you feel better? he is being honest with you. as far as what you have said, he no longer loves her as a girlfriend but thinks she is a great friend. generally speaking, if people have a past and if its a long one, then these things will come up in conversation from time to time so u have to understand that. comparing exes and talking about them everyday is not acceptable no, but you cant avoid the fact that someone has a past.

    the thing is completeopposit, i can understand where u are coming from because the way u feel now, is exactly the way i felt not long ago with my boyfriend talking to his exes parents so please dont think im having a go at you. im simply explaining my situation because its hard to make a point of view without explaining an experience behind it. the thing is my boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he has much more of a past than me. the thing is he also has more life experience than me and some of the points he makes are good points so thats why i now understand. i could easily write a post about how he is in contact with his exes parents and how is isnt over her but thats not the case and there is always two sides to the story.

    What I think you and happymom are ignoring are the facts of my personal situation. It sounds like the two of you are fortunate enough to be with men who didn't make it an issue; good for you. My guy has made it an issue. Of course I'm asking for your success stories because you're situations are different than mine but I'm comparing notes. Telling me I'm being contradictory when I'm not is not giving advice, it's criticizing. You clearly don't agree with me. Then don't, I'm not asking you to. But you're also ignoring the facts of my situation which may be clouded by the facts of your own. It's not that I don't appreciate the perspective but trying to convince me that I'm the only person in my relationship with a problem isn't going to happen. I will never be convinced that I simply have a problem with exes as friends because I don't. I will never be convinced that I'm being contradictory because I'm not. Accept that about my story and this thread or move on. If you can't understand where I'm coming from (and there's nothing wrong with that) then you can't be of much help. At this point, you're simply starting to **** me off.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 11:39 AM   #42
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Well I think that they are missing the point and being clouded by "well it works for me" and they aren't even thinking about the fact that there are extenuating circumstances in your case. I know that it certainly didn't work in my particular instance. Then there's still another circumstance is the fact that she doesn't like you. Ugh! I'm wondering what it is that the guy that you are dating finds so wonderful about her? She should be supportive if she's a true friend and not telling him she doesn't like you. Maybe I'm just clouded to the opposite direction because it SO DID NOT WORK with my husband being a friend with his psychotic EX that was using him every time we turned around. Asking him for money when she still owed him money that she wasn't paying back!
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    Old 04-07-2008, 11:56 AM   #43
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    I guess I'm still trying to understand why she's such a threat to you if she lives so far away. I mean, it's not like either one of them can get in their car and drive to each other for a secret meeting. She lives really far away, so you really shouldn't feel so threatened by her, regardless of what he is saying about her.

    But listen, if it makes you so uncomfortable, which it clearly does, then you really just need to reevaluate the relationship and whether you really want to be with a guy like this. No one said you had to stay with him. If it bugs you and you don't feel like accepting it, then don't. There's no reason for you to force yourself to stay if you don't want to accept this part of his life. I mean, when you strip away all of the BS at the end of the day, it really IS that black and white. Stay or go, it's your choice. But make the decision based off your own feelings on the situation.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 12:00 PM   #44
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    ...Accepting someone as is involves accepting that he works a low paying job that he enjoys or accepting that he is overweight and may always be. It does not, however, involve him making statements that negatively impact our relationship without regard to my feelings and letting that be ok.
    Well then why would you want to be with a man would make statements about an ex that negatively impact your relationship? That is what I am asking. I'm not saying you are not justified in feeling the way you do. I mean, if my husband compared me with that ex in the manner you described your boyfriend described I wouldn't be happy. In fact, it would **** me off so badly that I wouldn't want to be with a man who would say those things.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by completeopposit View Post
    Every person on this earth has the right to ask for fair treatment. Most people, including him, don't even realize they're doing it or that it's hurting others. As much as I should accept that he has this ex as a friend, he should accept that the way he speaks of her makes me uncomfortable, by your logic. He can take or leave that. What's wrong with my asking him to do so which involves him accepting me and keeping me in his life? I don't think I'm wrong for asking for that and to just allow people to persist in this sort of bad behavior is not only doing a disservice to your relationship but to the other person as well. As I said, most people aren't even aware of the damage they're doing and in regards to my thread, you're ignoring the damage that has been done. It takes two people for a relationship to thrive or faulter.
    You shouldn't have to make him see that what he is saying is hurting you. What would that do? He obviously doesn't see that what he has said bothers you. Well, that, or he doesn't care that it does. Either way, why would you want to be with a man who 1) doesn't care to see your point of view, or 2) is too stupid to see your point of view?

    You're right, allowing a person to keep disrespecting you is a disservice to your relationship, but it is also a disservice to yourself. My point is you are not going to be able to change his way of thinking about this. It doesn't matter what you say or do, he is who he is. It does take two people to make a relationship thrive or faulter. He isn't doing what you need him to to make your relationship thrive, and probably never will. So why be with him? Why be with a man who makes you feel second best to an ex who is now his friend? You don't have to take that treatment from him. You also don't have to be with him.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 12:32 PM   #45
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    Re: my boyfriend's best friend is an ex

    Ok, I'm going to jump in here. I totally understand what you are saying here completeopposite. The guy I'm dating was on the phone (a couple of years ago I think!) and I overheard him say "I love you too". Of course when he hung up I was furious! He was talking to his ex, who is an alcoholic among other things, and she had called him to complain about her day and she said "I love you" to end the conversation and he said it back. He claimed that it was the only way to get her off the phone. Well I can think of a way...hang up, or don't answer! Anyway, HE got mad at me & said that he did love her and that he would probably love her for the rest of his life and there was nothing I could do about it! Then he said although he loved her, he could never be with her because she'd hurt him too many times for him to trust her (she cheated on him many times) and that I should understand that he was with me because he wanted to be. Well that did not make me feel much better, but 2 years later I'm still there and she rarely is around anymore. He does still talk to her but he asked me to move in a couple of weeks ago. So to get back on point (your issue), I can understand how much words like that can devastate you. If he doesn't understand that then he is not putting any consideration into your feelings and you will have to decide if this woman in his life is a "deal breaker". But just remember, he has chosen to be with you and not her and there must be a pretty good reason for that.

     
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