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    Old 04-07-2008, 04:01 AM   #1
    hitotsu
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    Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    really ashamed of having to throw my dirty laundry to the wind once more.. and I'm sorry about typoes or grammatical errors. also, I'm sorry for the long read, I'm a really winded person :x I really think I need some serious help.. I even considered seeing a psychiatrist or something, but I dont really have the money for that atm.. for the record, I'm almost 24 and she's almost 22..

    in january we went through a messy breakup.. I live in california and she move back out to be with some of her family and friends all the way out in delaware.. Things were really confusing because of the way she tends to act.. her reasons for leaving me were pretty open and closed, on the surface she blamed it on me having diffuculty finding a job better than my current one (I did at the last week, but she said it was too late) though now I pretty much gather that the reason why she left was 1:

    there was an incident early in our relationship, like first week early. we had just started going out and I got an instant message from my recent ex who really did a number by cheating on me. I was ****** and I wanted to get her back, make her hurt. she was flirting with me and I thought it'd be a perfect opportunity to record what she was saying and send it to her new bf to ruin them. not very mature I know, so I played along with the chat and saved it. even though the next few weeks I really started to get to know my new gf and figured it wsnt worth trying to get back at people who werent worth it, and I just forgot about that stupid childish thing. unfortunately, half a year later, we kinda moved in with each other.. and what did she find on my computer but that file, I didnt even remember it was there. But I tried explaining over and over, that i didnt make that because I was cheating on her or anything, I didnt mean anything I said in the text, I was pretty much acting so it appeared on text so I could **** off that other guy. I just forgot it was ever there. and she saw that as me having cheated on her... this hung over my head during every argument that ever happened after that..

    (is that considered cheating? I didnt even mean anything I said, it was all pretty much blackmail/framing material for revenge -_- I was stupid back then I know it was a bad thing to do, which is why I never went through with sending it.)

    the second thing, she found that I had looked at adult websites twice (I didnt try to cover any of it up or lie either, when she asked me, I just told her straight without guilt) but she apperantly said that I was lying to her because the first time I said that I was sorry and wouldnt do it anymore. but when I said that I thought she was half joking. its just a common thing nowadays and she didnt seem too serious. only after the second time she told me how much it apperantly offended her.

    now with "You cheated on me" and "you looked at porn and lied to me" under her belt, seeming not to change no matter how I explain it to her, january comes and she leaves me, saying she gave me almost 2 years to change my ways... apperantly the looking at porn #2 meant that I... never changed..? I dont even know how her mind sorts these facts. During the relationship, I did everything I could to make her happy, even when she wanted me to just go out and get a better job, I spent every other day going out and filling out app's, I put 200% into everything I did for her, but since I "cheated on her" and then "lied to her" she feels that she can no longer trust me.

    theres the reason for the breakup. My feelings on it. She was being totally irrational, and MAJORLY over-reacted, and is holding a rediculous grudge. In my opinion totally immature. The breakup was messy. me.. yeah, I ended up crying and begging. before she left to get the ticket she told me if she noticed that I "could be a better person" she'd come back. even saying that she did still love me.

    pretty much once she arrived there, she started ignoring me, only really talking to me about once a week or so if I was lucky over emails and things. I was ****** at the sudden change of heart.. and started looking through these forums, seeking some kind of advice... some people suggested that I stopped trying to contact her. which was easy since I barely heard from her anyway... but a few weeks later something happened and cut through all my defenses, she started talking to me telling me how much she misses me, and still loves me and whatnot... of course, I tried to maintain what I could of my strength but half of me turned to mush, I was happy till the end of that week when she suddenly "had to think about it" again. after another week, she decided she likes it with her friends and family there and doesnt wish to move back over here to be with me, that she still loves me but doesnt want to leave... weeks later she suddenly tells me to stop trying to talk to her, theres apperantly some guy in the picture now and he's getting ****** at the fact that she's still talking to me (rare as it is)

    I was ready to be ****** and start the grieving process over again, when she starts contacting me again after a couple weeks appologizing for pretty much giving me the massive cold shoulder and treating me like ****, saying she was trying to get me to forget about her because she's trying to forget her feelings for me... her story now is that she still loves me, but still feels like she cant trust me (that + the distance, and now + this new guy) and its apperantly hard to stop loving me, but its painful or whatever. but when the topic of trying again comes up, she says that because of the trust/etc issues, we just cant be together. during the last conversation she seemed to flip-flop back and forth so many times from "I still care about you, its so hard to stop loving you" and "I cant love you.. we cant be together, it hurts too much" My head was litirally spinning.


    I.... I cant go on like this. She can be very unreasonable.. her mind changes like the freaking wind.. I dont know whats really going on in her head... but the thing is, I do love her so much.. I lived with her for almost 2 years, I was really thinking about committing my life to her :/ aside from whenever we'd fight about that STUPID thing which she wont drop and always exadurates. our relationship was really good... but right now, its hard for me to tear away and not talk to her because of these blasted feelings of loving her and missing her. Whenever I build up enough resolve and anger and logic to say.

    "She's mistreating you, she's not considering your feelings, you're being played like a fool, she's too immature, look at how she's acting, theres even another guy involved now"

    the other guy, she says is someone who's liked her for a long time, she doesnt know how she feels about him and is giving him a shot. she says she's constantly comparing him to me without meaning to. is this truth or bull? only god knows with this girl.


    I can logicly point out so many of the things she's done wrong, against me, and with her messed up hair-trigger warped logic of hers... and how much this is HURTING me.. how she's treating me like **** that doesnt matter at times, and then suddenly dangling that carrot in front of my face again every now and then to start the cycle all over again... we were also best friends other than when we got together, and even that relationship is suffering greatly..

    even if I can logically list these things.. my emotions do much more than get in the way... I cant help myself but to respond if she tries to contact me.. I cant help but wish things could change, she could grow up and see that the things she's so pissy about arent even that big a deal (I could have went out with/kissed/slept with someone, but it was a scripted text file saved to my computer with the intention of revenge.. also... I looked at porn twice... that make me the devil? I hear a 'hell no' resounding from some dark corner, its so damn common nowadays) that maybe we could try again and be happy...

    I really love this girl, but she's royally ******* me off... and I think my brain is losing to my heart big time, and the rest of me is just in so much pain ><

    I know I'm an idiot, so you dont have to tell me that.. would anyone have any words of wisdom or advice for me? (is she being unreasonable and stupid? or is she right and I'm the stupid one for defending myself) thanks so much in advance..

    ps: part of me wonders if my emotional attatchment is mostly my love for her, or maybe the fact that I'm scared I cant find other people.. I know the whole, other fish in the sea thing, and the fact that I'm young.... but I'm not like most people... I dont go out often, I dont do the whole bar/party thing.. and I'm not the type to just randomly talk to people in malls or anything like that. plus, I'm picky.. I want a nice girl, not just some random media drivin wana-be "bad girl" which I seem to see a lot of lately... seeing as how unless I made some serious lifestyle changes, I dont know how I'd ever meet someone else, I'm kinda scared... major lifestyle changes being the whole party/going out thing and being "wild" like other people my age... I dont really like drinking and all that stuff, I really dont want to start into things like that..

    I realize a lot of what I said probably floats in the pathetic range, but honestly thats how I'm feeling right now.. so I'm aware of it, but my emotions are forcing me to be a slave to it.. I dont know how to overpower them..

     
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    Old 04-07-2008, 05:26 AM   #2
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    Okay, that was long! LOL I really hope I didn't miss anything when reading.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hitotsu View Post
    ...now with "You cheated on me" and "you looked at porn and lied to me" under her belt, seeming not to change no matter how I explain it to her, january comes and she leaves me, saying she gave me almost 2 years to change my ways... apperantly the looking at porn #2 meant that I... never changed..? I dont even know how her mind sorts these facts. During the relationship, I did everything I could to make her happy, even when she wanted me to just go out and get a better job, I spent every other day going out and filling out app's, I put 200% into everything I did for her, but since I "cheated on her" and then "lied to her" she feels that she can no longer trust me.
    This is the part that really sticks out to me. She didn't seem to really like who you are, but rather what she could mold you into. IMO, the whole text the ex thing isn't that big of a deal. I probably would be upset if I found it too, but the explanation (the dates) and how you weren't even really serious at that point should have been okay. It's bad judgement more than cheating. Anyway, then the "lie" about porn. Whether she likes porn or not shouldn't factor into whether or not you are "allowed" to watch it. That's your choice. She either takes it or leaves it, you know? And what was so wrong with your job that you had to find another one to please her?

    The problem here is that your exgirlfriend doesn't really love you as you are. She loves what she thinks she can turn you into. It's a fantasy she has made for herself that you (and probably no other guy) will ever measure up to. Until she realizes that she can't change people she will have relationships that make her miserable and will always blame the other person.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hitotsu View Post
    theres the reason for the breakup. My feelings on it. She was being totally irrational, and MAJORLY over-reacted, and is holding a rediculous grudge. In my opinion totally immature. The breakup was messy. me.. yeah, I ended up crying and begging. before she left to get the ticket she told me if she noticed that I "could be a better person" she'd come back. even saying that she did still love me.
    Read that as "if you change then I will decide if you are worthy of me".

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hitotsu View Post
    ...but a few weeks later something happened and cut through all my defenses, she started talking to me telling me how much she misses me, and still loves me and whatnot... of course, I tried to maintain what I could of my strength but half of me turned to mush, I was happy till the end of that week when she suddenly "had to think about it" again. after another week, she decided she likes it with her friends and family there and doesnt wish to move back over here to be with me, that she still loves me but doesnt want to leave... weeks later she suddenly tells me to stop trying to talk to her, theres apperantly some guy in the picture now and he's getting ****** at the fact that she's still talking to me (rare as it is)
    It's the typical "backup scenario". You are not allowed to move on and be happy unless she is. Any time she needs you for an ego boost she will snap your leash to attention and then brust you off once she gets her fix.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hitotsu View Post
    ...I was ready to be ****** and start the grieving process over again, when she starts contacting me again after a couple weeks appologizing for pretty much giving me the massive cold shoulder and treating me like ****, saying she was trying to get me to forget about her because she's trying to forget her feelings for me... her story now is that she still loves me, but still feels like she cant trust me (that + the distance, and now + this new guy) and its apperantly hard to stop loving me, but its painful or whatever. but when the topic of trying again comes up, she says that because of the trust/etc issues, we just cant be together. during the last conversation she seemed to flip-flop back and forth so many times from "I still care about you, its so hard to stop loving you" and "I cant love you.. we cant be together, it hurts too much" My head was litirally spinning.
    Back up ego boost for herself. It must feel good to have a guy pining away for you from across the country!


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hitotsu View Post
    ...I know I'm an idiot, so you dont have to tell me that.. would anyone have any words of wisdom or advice for me? (is she being unreasonable and stupid? or is she right and I'm the stupid one for defending myself) thanks so much in advance..
    I'm not going to say you are an idiot, but you know that you have to DROP HER! She is thousands of miles away and is still trying to control and change you. Personally, I think she is being very unreasonable. You can't keep holding a mistake that someone made over their head throughout a relationship. Moving on means just that, moving on. If you can't (which obviously she can't) then you leave.

    She still wants to chanage you. She wants you to compete for her affection. What about you?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hitotsu View Post
    ...or maybe the fact that I'm scared I cant find other people.. I know the whole, other fish in the sea thing, and the fact that I'm young.... but I'm not like most people... I dont go out often, I dont do the whole bar/party thing.. and I'm not the type to just randomly talk to people in malls or anything like that. plus, I'm picky.. I want a nice girl, not just some random media drivin wana-be "bad girl" which I seem to see a lot of lately... seeing as how unless I made some serious lifestyle changes, I dont know how I'd ever meet someone else, I'm kinda scared... major lifestyle changes being the whole party/going out thing and being "wild" like other people my age... I dont really like drinking and all that stuff, I really dont want to start into things like that....
    It could be the fact that you are affraid to be alone. But wouldn't you rather be alone (and happy) than dealing with this emotional turmoil?

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 01:56 PM   #3
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    She is treating you this way because she can. You are allowing her to use you when she wants to, and to discard you when she doesn't. You are addicted to the "drama" and "excitement" that she provides. This is NOT love, it's an unhealthy attachment. There are many out there addicted to drama (I know, I have dated them!) and if things are going too smoothly they will create false drama to entertain themselves. That's where all the porn and "cheating" comes in. She needs to feel conflict in her relationships and if there isn't any she will make it up. Run, as fast as you can, for your own sanity! Let this drama queen find another victim. My therapist told me that if you act like a victim you will be treated like one. Don't be one!

    There are many places to meet people other than at drunken clubs. Join a club related to something you are interested in. Go to trade shows for something you have been interested in but haven't tried yet. I'm moving 2 states away this September where I will know not one person, and I plan to join a photography club, and participate in a walking club to both get into shape and meet people. I also plan to take some classes at the local community college. If all this sounds lame consider how it compares to sitting at home pining away for some user drama queen who doesn't care about you but only about what she can get you to do for her. Good luck.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 02:21 PM   #4
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    thank you both for your insight. I really dont want this circle to keep repeting itself. one thing thats tough is that we were best friends before all this, and none of these issues came up till we were together, trying to save the friendship at the very least is probably useless by now isnt it? from what I suspect and what you both said, she is only interested in what she can get out of everything, and isnt conserned with my wants or needs at all.

    One of the things that made me want to go see a therapist most was how I feel an unnatural need to be with someone. you'd think I'd be happier alone than having to deal with this, and while I can do what I want now without worrying, and the fact that I'm actually MAKING money again is nice and stuff, but I feel morbidly lonely. I think something might be wrong with me because i feel like i NEED to be with someone. its been that way since I was 14 and I dont know why. its definately not like anyone I know. pre-puberty I was supposed to be like "ew girls" but even as a kid I tried to get close to them. after puberty most of my guy friends of course went girl crazy and wanted 100's of them, me, I was already ready to find one and only one. Always felt like there was something different about me, but lately with this feeling thats almost desperation not to be alone, I'm scared :/ thanks again, really. it feels good to get a lot of this off my chest.

    I didnt know clubs like that were around, but after searching my area, I'm not turning up with much :/ darn..

    one thing I'm wondering.. if she's just keeping me as an ego boost reserve, what would happen if I got the resolve to not play her game and not pine after her... would anything change at all? like... if I didnt show her that i missed her or whatever and just acted normally. also.. I just wonder, if she wanted to leave me that badly, why is she still bothering with me and saying she still loves me and all that nonsense... even though a lot of that is followed by "but it hurts to love you" e.e I keep hoping that somewhere deep inside she does love me and its not all manipulative bs.. because why else would she bother with all this crap? wouldnt this 'new guy' be enough? :/

    Last edited by hitotsu; 04-07-2008 at 02:46 PM.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 03:14 PM   #5
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    First of all, I don't know where you live (over there doesn't give much of a clue!). But in California we have local Parks & Recreations departments that have classes & clubs for all sorts of interests. There are also several Adult Schools which offer classes at low cost. And of course, there are community colleges. I also have looked in the local community newspaper (not the major ones, just the local "rag" that lists events) and they are very helpful in listing upcoming activities. I can grab a girlfriend and go or just check it out on my own. I also enjoy wine tasting as a great way to meet men. No getting drunk & stupid, just nice men who want to talk to nice women! Maybe like you!

    It sounds like fear of being on your own is making you hold on to a dead, pointless relationship. She tells you all that stuff to keep you hanging on. The guy I'm dating's ex girlfriend used to show up whenever she felt like it, knowing he still loved her, and explained it by saying he was her "safe place" where she could go when she had no where else to go. Does that sound like something you want? To have someone who only went to you if they had nothing better to do? I hope you want more than that because you certainly deserve better. She is a user and will say anything if it will keep you pining away over her so she will have you available to her at her convenience. Please don't let her use you this way, she is not a nice person!

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 03:32 PM   #6
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    i definately dont want to be some kind of backup.. I'd only be satisfied with someone who loved me for me.. which she doesnt seem to.. with her, and the other relationships I've been in, i'm starting to doubt I'd be able to find someone who loved me for who I was, rather someone who'd settle for me or something... it really seems like all the girls I get involved with wants to change me into what they want... I guess that adds to the fear of not finding someone else, i'm scared even if I do, this is gonna happen again

    and I see where you're comming from :/ its mostly my own emotional wishes and hopes maybe.. wishing there was something deeper even if I myself dont believe it x.x; there probably isnt any way to turn the tables or anything that I know of, which it seems is what my heart is seeming to want. I dont know, I guess I wanted to try everything before the last option of dropping her and cutting contact..

    I've heard that a lot of the times in these situations, victims are treated like victims because they act like victims ... or at least something like that in a more philosophical composure. I just wonder sometimes if I forced myself not to give in and just started being/acting stronger, would it be able to change how she looked at me... of course, like you both have been saying, half of me is wondering if she'd be worth it.

    Oh I live in modesto ca.. I suppose the newspaper would be a lot better for local info than the internet lol, if I can find it, I dont normally look through the paper too much for things like that.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 04:14 PM   #7
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    It's very dangerous to hang onto people because you don't like being alone. I started going out with my (now) husband because I didn't want to be alone and it's worked out well for me, but I think I was lucky, at that point in my life I would have hung on to anyone. When you say you don't like being alone do you mean you need to have someone with you in a relationship sense or just a company sense? Do you live alone? Would it help to get someone to move in with you, share your house, so you'd have someone to talk to and someone to go out with? This need to be with someone makes you vulnerable to manipulative people, like this ex. I wouldn't waste any more time with this girl if I were you. And just because it's happened once doesn't mean it's going to happen with every relationship. She sounds like a bit of a control freak if she's so worried about that file (which was something in your past) and looking at porn a couple of times.

     
    Old 04-07-2008, 09:09 PM   #8
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    unfortunately the emptyness I feel is the lack of someone who loves me, lol it even sounds bad when I type it out, but yeah, its the relationship type thing. I wish I could get over it cause I know it makes me vulnerable like you said ><

    she really does seem like a control freak, and during the relationship (after she found the file anyway) I've been trying to show her how "sorry" I was.. I did so much more than one side of the relationship is supposed to, I guess I spoiled her and let her have her way too much, neither did me any good for how she saw me I'm guessing... but even with how much she wants things to go HER way, and wants to control everything, she says she likes this new guy because he has a more 'in control' attitude, much like I did before I felt like I had a piano hanging on a thin thread hanging above me.. her guilt tripping and threatening to leave because of that "cheating" crap seemed to destroy my confidence when all that came up.. I just didnt want her to leave so I did whatever she wanted. -_- but how is a control freak going to be happy with someone who is controlling? doesnt that not add up?

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 09:12 AM   #9
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    I don't believe she's a control freak. I believe she's a drama queen. She pushes people around who allow her to do so, but she can only respect someone who gives her what she is dishing out. She gets the drama from the guy refusing to put up with her crap. I have a friend like that, who will push & rag on anyone who lets her but she had one boyfriend who would tell her to knock it off or he was gonna let her have it, and she worshipped this guy. Strange, isn't it? This girl will keep you around for the reasons I gave below and as long as you keep bending over backward to give her what she wants she will turn up every so often to make sure she has you around when she wants you to be.

    And being alone is really not that bad if you can learn to find things to do that make you happy, instead of spending all your time trying to make someone happy that will never be satisfied. There are actually nice girls out there who will be good to you. Unless you are the kind that likes to be abused, in which case I can't help you.

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 02:54 PM   #10
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    I really hate it (being abused like this), but I keep ending up in such situations. I've been telling myself so much to just let the anger take over already. There have been times when I've stood up to her and yelled at her and it felt good to have her appologize, or to just be able to be telling her how much I think this is all crap.. if only I could suppress that emotional side that wants to hang on to her. thats the hardest part because I dont know how to override that :x

    Last edited by hitotsu; 04-08-2008 at 03:00 PM.

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 03:07 PM   #11
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    You don't really need to override your emotions. It is natural and normal to miss someone who has been a big part of your life, even if things didn't always go smoothly. You tend to remember the good times and gloss over the bad times. You can't shut off your feelings like a faucet. You wouldn't be human if you could. Just give yourself permission to feel the sadness and loneliness for a certain amount of time. I went through a sad breakup a few years ago and I was just feeling awful all the time. I would tell myself "just suck it up" because I knew although what I felt was agonizing, I wouldn't feel that way forever. And I didn't! There is a light at the end of this tunnel and you will find it.

    You seem like a pretty nice guy. You will meet someone who will admire your character and respect you as a person and will want to spend all their time with you. We don't always get exactly what we want exactly when we want it, but it will be there when you are ready. And right now, maybe you aren't. Hang in there!

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 04:50 PM   #12
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    this has been going on since january. Is that too long to have been in this much pain? or is it pretty much normal.. I know that one day, eventually I'll be able to get over it, I'm just kind of scared of the unknown.. how much longer am I going to feel this way? I dont know and certainly I cant go to other people for this answer either. I'm the kind of person who freaks out when things get out of hand and I have idea whats going to happen, so the thought of it been going on for comming on 4 months now... it -feels- like it wont end. i guess thats what scares me the most

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 04:58 PM   #13
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    I have felt exactly like you! It is freaky, yes, but things do get better over time although sometimes you do wonder if and when. I totally get you.

    I think it is pretty normal and you just have to ride with it, but also to make positive changes in your life.

    I find exercising really helps me release built up stress/ frustration.

    Also, making positive and constructive plans for the future.

    Life does move on, and you will find inner peace soon, it will take time.

    I am sure we all go through this at least once in our life.

    Breakups are tough! Relationships are tough! Thats why there is this board for us to talk, countless self help books, counselling services etc.

    Keep strong. We will get through it.

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 05:36 PM   #14
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    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    so anything she says that sounds like it would be giving me hope, or things that would make me jealous are ways to try and just hold me in place so she has me under her thumb or something? :/

    before I try to just.. shut everything out. do any of you think theres any hope for her to grow up and stop being like this. or is she just going to always be this way. its getting a little easier to be angry at her since this new guy is in the picture, and she's been leaving cryptic away messages that she -knows- I'd see that seem to be not-so-secretly hinting at little cute messages for someone ... obviously trying to get some kind of reaction out of me. its just cruel.. isnt it?

     
    Old 04-08-2008, 06:06 PM   #15
    Redneon82
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    Redneon82 HB User
    Re: Getting over ex-gf, afraid I'm too weak.

    I think you answered your own question...yes she is cruel, so why, I must ask, do you want her back? You ask if she is going to change. How long are you willing to hang around hoping she will wake up one day and decide you are the man of her dreams? Don't you think you deserve better than that? I think you do! Do you want the rest of your life to be like the past, when she is constantly after you to change, and constantly berating you for what she sees as major infractions? Please, you have to want better than that for yourself!

     
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