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  • cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

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    Old 04-25-2008, 02:33 PM   #1
    jokenroll
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    Unhappy cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Hello All!
    Iím new to this forum, so Iím not sure if this is the right board to post it. So, moderators please do not delete my post but just move it if the need be.

    The problem in a nutshell: I really cannot get over a relationship with a BPD girlfriend.

    Iíve read some threads, including archives, and saw that it is quite common for people like me. This make me suspect that the ďgood sideĒ of a BPD relationship works just like a strong drug Ė itís so good and unbelievable, that nothing compares to it afterwards, no matter how bad ďthe bad sideĒ was.

    I have even broken my family for that girl, and even though it seems I can get it back, I just donít want to.
    The rest is history Ė read pretty much any of a BPD-involved person post Ė itís all the same, whining about how nothing make sense anymore without that person, how they are madly in love, etc.

    Well, I know people hate long posts (or at least donít read them whole), so for now I probably should stop right hereÖ

    Appreciate your help/advice, or just a warm word

     
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    Old 04-27-2008, 02:00 PM   #2
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Well, I think that you may need to elaborate on this post. Maybe it is my fault, but I don't quite understand what you are talking about. It sounds somewhat ambiguous.

    In any case, you never say that you really love that girl and would be ready to encourage her to seek a treatment for her condition, assuming that it is treatable.

    Don't get me wrong, but I had the impression that you were playing with her.

    And why do you seem to look down on your own family? Are they all in the wrong? Don't you think you may need their support in the future? Don't you think it's your obligation to give support to your family as well?

    I'm sorry: maybe that wasn't the warm word you were counting upon. But really I just wanted to understand you better...

    Last edited by pendulum; 04-27-2008 at 02:00 PM.

     
    Old 04-27-2008, 08:29 PM   #3
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    I'm sorry in advance for this post because it's probably not what you want to hear. If she is truly BPD then she is going to cycle between periods of idealization (the "good" part of the relationship) and devaluation (the "bad" part). These cycles are going to continue and not stop. You never really will be totally sure when she's going to switch, but it will happen. The mood instability will wear on you, as well as the impulsivity that many people with BPD display. You may need to decide whether you want to be in this for the LONG haul of treatment, because BPD is among the hardest (if not THE hardest) disorder to treat. Maybe you could check out the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". I believe that's the title. If it's not then someone will correct me.

    Good luck, you may be getting into something very difficult here.

     
    Old 04-27-2008, 09:18 PM   #4
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    Well, I think that you may need to elaborate on this post. Maybe it is my fault, but I don't quite understand what you are talking about. It sounds somewhat ambiguous.

    In any case, you never say that you really love that girl and would be ready to encourage her to seek a treatment for her condition, assuming that it is treatable.

    Don't get me wrong, but I had the impression that you were playing with her.

    And why do you seem to look down on your own family? Are they all in the wrong? Don't you think you may need their support in the future? Don't you think it's your obligation to give support to your family as well?

    I'm sorry: maybe that wasn't the warm word you were counting upon. But really I just wanted to understand you better...
    You are right, Pendelum, my post is quite ambiguous - just shows that I don't really know what I'm doing already
    So, here are more details:
    Yes I really love this girl, I've been with her for two years. I'm not a very young dude, so I know what I'm talking about and how it feels (I don't mean to be rude here
    She is a very educated person, so she discovered that she has BPD by herself. Before that, I was just suspecting that something was not right with her, but it only made her extremely mad. Then she decided she'll take care of that herself and she does not need my help on that part.
    Unfortunately, I wasn't patient enough and let myself be carried away by arguments, etc., forgetting that it wasn't "real". Then when I was recalling what was going on and pointing it out, it was making her very mad, just like before.

    So basically I wasn't able to talk to her about her condition, and the things were getting worse and worse.

    As for my family - well, I was married and have a child. Not that I loved my wife very much a priory, but just was letting it be like that, for the time being. My friends were asking me what would I do if I meet a girl and get madly in love with, so I said, we'll see, maybe at that pint I'll ask for divorce. And so here I am...

     
    Old 04-27-2008, 09:36 PM   #5
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Iceman314 View Post
    I'm sorry in advance for this post because it's probably not what you want to hear. If she is truly BPD then she is going to cycle between periods of idealization (the "good" part of the relationship) and devaluation (the "bad" part). These cycles are going to continue and not stop. You never really will be totally sure when she's going to switch, but it will happen. The mood instability will wear on you, as well as the impulsivity that many people with BPD display. You may need to decide whether you want to be in this for the LONG haul of treatment, because BPD is among the hardest (if not THE hardest) disorder to treat. Maybe you could check out the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". I believe that's the title. If it's not then someone will correct me.

    Good luck, you may be getting into something very difficult here.
    Thanks Iceman. The stuff you are describing was actually happening and I saw it. As you can see in my previous post, both of us already knew what was going on. But she was tending to blame her getting worse on me
    It is already late for me do decide, 'coz she broke up with me already.
    The problem is, besides the obvious - me being seriously in love (otherwise, I'd take it easy and wouldn't post here - I suspect I'm hooked on the "good side", or "periods of idealization". And it's not about my ego, it's about how wonderful the whole relationship feels during those periods.
    There was still that "burning fire", even after two years of being together - unprecedented, at least for me. For this, I would probably agree to pay the price of "periodic suffering". But who knows, however, for how long I'd bear that in reality. Anyhow, it's not my choice anymore.
    What I'm also worried about( besides the obvious being unable to get over this relationship), that I won't be able to get (or sustain) a relationship with a normal person anymore.

     
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    Old 04-28-2008, 06:50 AM   #6
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    count your blessings she broke up with you......although I'm sure she will be back apologizing and wanting to get back together. That's how BPD works.....they push you away, then try to pull you back in. My advice is don't get pulled back in.

     
    Old 04-29-2008, 09:38 AM   #7
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    count your blessings she broke up with you......although I'm sure she will be back apologizing and wanting to get back together. That's how BPD works.....they push you away, then try to pull you back in. My advice is don't get pulled back in.
    I don't think she would - she sent me a pretty serious email about it.
    I just met an old friend of mine, turns out he'd been in BPD relationship before. He also says it's not worth it. But he totally understands me on the "awesome" part.
    So the problem for me is still to get over it. For now I do not see how I could be with someone "normal"

     
    Old 04-29-2008, 10:14 AM   #8
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jokenroll View Post
    I don't think she would - she sent me a pretty serious email about it.
    I just met an old friend of mine, turns out he'd been in BPD relationship before. He also says it's not worth it. But he totally understands me on the "awesome" part.
    So the problem for me is still to get over it. For now I do not see how I could be with someone "normal"

    she will.....don't kid yourself. She will try to get back in your life by apologizing, etc. You can absolutely be with someone "normal"......try it, you might like it!

     
    Old 04-29-2008, 12:24 PM   #9
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    I was going to say the same thing. Good chance she will be back. Another thing I'd say is for her not to self diagnose. She may be BPD, but self diagnosis isn't a good idea, especially with borderline personality D/O. She should speak with a specialist. Especially since a LOT of people with BPD are self harmers, or if they aren't, they begin to be. The longer you're with someone the longer it takes to get over it. You can, and will get over it.

    Has she explored the possibilty of a mood D/O as well?

     
    Old 04-29-2008, 03:37 PM   #10
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    I still do not think she'll be back - she threw me away many times already but it never was that serious. I think she will try to get another guy (since "there are plenty of them waiting"), who "would finally treat her as a human being".
    She's promiscuous enough, good thing at least she didn't cheat while in relationship.
    She read a lot of material on BPD, I also tried to research some on the net - seems to be very classical case. She even tried to kill herself when she was 15.
    I do not think she has mood disorders.

     
    Old 04-29-2008, 05:59 PM   #11
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Well, regardless of whether she needs to see a specialist for diagnosis, she sounds like she needs to see a specialist for her behavior. My thought is that you can get over it, it's going to hurt, and take a while, but it will happen. I am not going to tell you to stay away, or get her back. I'm not qualified for that, but I think you'll be okay without her. Good luck with it.

     
    Old 04-29-2008, 06:33 PM   #12
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    I kind of know what you are going through right now, my mom is Bi-Polar (I also beleive there might be another underlying mental illness in addition).

    I'm not saying people with mental illness do not deserve a chance, and maybe my opinion is biased because I still hold some resentment toward my mother- but I think you are better moveing on.

    Funny u post this today, my dad has been married to my mom for 29 yrs. Over the yrs she has progressivley gotten worse, worse to the point that my dad was ready for divorce. He filed the paperwork yesturday, but called the lawyer today to "pull back" on it...reason being, he felt guilty because she has been nice all week (normal). What you are feeling is normal, you long for those "good" moments & hope things can stay that way...but I think, deep down, you have to know somewhere, it's just a vicious cycle that will continue...I convinced my dad to call the lawyer tomm & go through with it, he knows inside that things will never change & he just needed some re-affirming that he shouldn't feel guilty.

    Cherish the good moments, but rest assured u can move on. Try not to "hold on" to the good moments, be honest with yourself & don't forget the bad moments either.

     
    Old 04-29-2008, 09:50 PM   #13
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by country_fan View Post
    I kind of know what you are going through right now, my mom is Bi-Polar (I also beleive there might be another underlying mental illness in addition).
    BPD is borderline personality D/O, not bipolar D/O.

     
    Old 04-30-2008, 03:06 AM   #14
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    My bad, thought BPD was short for Bi-Polar Disorder- I feel like an idiot now!

     
    Old 04-30-2008, 12:16 PM   #15
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    Re: cannot get over BPD relationship :'(

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by country_fan View Post
    My bad, thought BPD was short for Bi-Polar Disorder- I feel like an idiot now!
    Don't. I work in mental health and when I see BPD written I know what is meant but still sometimes make the mistake of saying "bipolar D/O".

     
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