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  • ::sigh:: No luck with men

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    Old 05-09-2008, 03:17 PM   #31
    cadburyschick
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    why would you think that? It sounds to me like he was giving you a compliment!
    I agree!

     
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    Old 05-10-2008, 03:20 PM   #32
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    It sounds like your parents have really done a number on you. No offense to them, but the things you've written here really constitute an emotional abuse of some sort. It makes sense that you think so poorly of yourself.

    You are not just lonely because you don't have a relationship- you're lonely because you have NO relationships. You need friends. A relationship is further down the road, but first you have to build a social network. It doesn't have to be a big network, and it doesn't have to be about "partying", but you absolutely need human interaction and intimacies with others. Almost every time I read a post like yours, lamenting the lack of a significant other, it follows that the poster has no friends, also.

    Start at the beginning. Talk to a therapist or counselor about your social problems and your suicidal ideation. Research how to make and keep friends. Build a life. Nobody is going to want to date you if you are going to make him your everything. You have to bring something to the table.

    This isn't about finding a guy, even though you think it is. It's about finding a purpose and a life and then finding a guy. It usually doesn't work well the other way around. You are very very young. Technically, you have only been an adult for a short time. You have a very long life ahead of you and a good 10-20 years to have children. Start making changes and getting help as soon as you can.

     
    Old 05-10-2008, 07:43 PM   #33
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Wow Jenny...you sound like me. I've had about the worst luck when it comes to dating. I'm 32 and have never been in a relationship or experienced what love feels like. It hurts..plain and simple. I'm a good guy..I'm very hard working, affectionate and loyal but I have nobody to share my life with. I constantly daydream about what it must feel like to hold someone close, to look into her eyes and tell her I love her and know she feels the same way about me. I get extremely lonely and severely depressed. I hate even going out in public anymore because I see couples together, holding hands and looking so happy. I don't really have any useful advice other than I know exactly how lonely you are and how much it hurts. I'm trying to block those feelings and find happiness alone but I don't know if I'll ever be truly happy.

     
    Old 05-10-2008, 08:47 PM   #34
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JennyLee123 View Post
    Once at work, this guy told me that i was not like most 20-somethings he said that a lot of them would not be 'working' and they would be hanging out, always talking on their cell phone..and he never saw me do any of that. It made me feel insecure about who I was. Like I'm not "cool" or don't have the right personality.
    First, I am over 30 and still single. I am also very quiet. I have heard those same comments over and over again in life. When I was younger, I felt the same as you. As if I was not "good enough" or didn't have "the right personality".
    I think the best thing you can do for yourself at this point is spend a lot of time really getting in touch with yourself. Fact is, there is no "right personality". The right personality for you is the one you have. You can only be who you are, and there is no reason why that should not be good enough. Rather than trying to change your personality to what you think others want, I would recommend spending some time becoming comfortable with who you already are and be proud of it. I used to always be scared to let people know that I wasn't the "wild" type and wasn't into the bar/club scene. I even tried to make myself like it and tried to go to the clubs, only to feel out of place and more uncomfortable with myself. When I finally accepted that wasn't the right scene for me, and openly acknowledged that when people would comment, the comments actually stopped.
    It may be hard to see it right now, but it's really not as bad as you think. Just be proud of who you are, and others will back off. If they don't, well then, it is there problem, not yours.

     
    Old 05-10-2008, 11:15 PM   #35
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Jennylee you hit the spot. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND how you feel. I have been suffering on this boat for a while now and NO CHANGE has happened in my life. I am still the one and only loveless, sexless, childless, marriage less, single person around in all my family and friends. I TOO am embarrassed about it. I mean VERY embarrassed. It is SO hard and those clichés and lines people say has not done any wonders for me. I hate it and I am 27 years old and just feel like I am so old and going to hit some expired eggs soon and end up living alone the rest of my life with nothing but this pain

    I TOO have made up lies to friends and say that I did meet someone or am dating or something because I am so embarrassed that the last time I probably talked to them met them my answer was still NO I am STILL single. And then at work...lets not even start with that and how fed up I get at work having to be the single one there and feel left out at lunches when All I hear is women talk about significant others and children. I don't even go to NO work parties and have even started to get out of those lunches. I can only take so much. All of those settings are just a slap on my face of how ALONE I really am and deep down inside what I am suffering. They are just a reminder to me. I have avoided and excused myself out of weddings, parties, and other events because I am so ashamed of being single forever and attending those events which require dates/significant others.

    Like you everyone I know is also coupled up and I have nothing. I am in therapy and yes, it does help but it is no cure for this pain I suffer. I know a lot of my friends and family have said things to me like, "how come you aren't dating anyone" you have so much going on for you"? Or don't you want to get married one day?" It is so painful to hear those questions. Again, it is just another reminder of everything I do not have and what everyone else does have. I sometimes feel like I am so abnormal and there really is no room for people like me to function in this society with couples everywhere. I feel very left out, depressed, envious of others and embaressed

    I do not have any magic words for you but HIGHLY encourage you to meet with a therapist. It would benefit you to be able to process these feelings with someone. I doubt I will ever be the person I once was. My ex left me 2 yrs ago and he was the only real relationship I ever had. Since then this is the boat I have been sailing on. EVERYONE I know around me has someone, married, engaged, bf/gf you name it and I am the only one like this. I hate it. And I agree with another poster, some of us are fine being alone and others just want that touch.

    Love is an amazing thing and I wish you the best and hope you experience it someday soon. Had I not met my ex I would have never experienced something so wonderful and that is why I am in so much more pain now. Because I know I still do love him and that I had the chance to experience something so wonderful once, I crave it even more and hurt even more because I no longer have it. I send you hugs and hope you feel better. You are not alone...I am a prime example of a single person who is completely unhappy. I really encourage you to meet with a therapist and hope you feel better. Take Care and I send you lot's of hugs

    Last edited by lostsoul12; 05-10-2008 at 11:18 PM.

     
    Old 05-12-2008, 11:21 AM   #36
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Sorry, I haven't been posting in a few days the charger to my laptop blew out, and I have to travel to a local library to get on the internet.

    lostsoul, janet, and nogood, I wish we all lived in the same area. It would be fun if I could be around ppl who were in similar situations like me.

    I USED to have friends back when I was 18, 19, 20, but we grew apart. all of them were not due to fights or anything, in some cases our lives took different paths and we no longer had similar things in common.

    I had one friend who I hung out with on a consistent basis for about 4 or 5 years. I used to hop in my car, pick her up and we'd just burn gas just driving around the city. Or meet guys and get into a little drama. It was fun. Then she made a friend at her college--it was a guy--and our friendship pretty much deteriorating when he came into the picture. Honestly, when I think back, I feel that HE is the reason why our friendship made the turn that it did. And I am starting to feel a bit of bitterness after the fact. Before, we had NO conflict and if we did, we would settle it and everything would be fine.

    This "guy friend" eventually became friends with me as well. And he would tell me that my best friend was talking about me behind my back. When I would ask him, what exactly she said, he would go "nevermind, forget about it". For the longest, this would linger in the back of my mind, I wanted to know if she truly had said mean things about me. One day I called her, and confronted her about it and the conversation got real heated and UGLY. Of course she denied it. And she prompted to call the "guy friend"--but I did not want to talk to him, I wanted to discuss this with HER. Well, in the midst of the conversation she emailed him to call her, and soon enough he did. Before she clicked over she told me she would "call me back" and I have not heard from her in over 5 or 6 months.

    I was hurt because I felt that she let this "guy friend" come in between us. We had been friends since elementary and high school and she let this 'guy friend' who she had only known for 2 or 3 years manipulate our friendship. He probably persuaded her to think that I was a bad person or was in the wrong, and told her not to ever call me again. Ironically, I stayed cool with the "guy friend" and he stayed in contact with the both of us. Over time, I cut him out of my life as well. I just had this intuition that he was bad luck and wanted to bring misery in my life.

    So this leads me to my current situation..no friends..no active social life..no boyfriend no nothing. I often wonder if it were best that I should have just not said anything about it at all..just ignored what he was saying and not let it get to me..I am not sure if I made the right decision. Sometimes I think that if I had never confronted her, I would have still had a friend till this day.

    Last edited by JennyLee123; 05-12-2008 at 11:22 AM.

     
    Old 05-12-2008, 11:25 AM   #37
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    I went to a therapist before, it was for low income ppl like me with no health insurance. I didn't like it. I did all the talking, and the guy would just listen and make these faces like he really was concerned about what was going on in my life. I don't know, when I was telling him my problems I felt that my situation was not 'deep' enough..everything sounded so childish. A lot of the ppl in the waiting room were folks who were bipolar and had real mental issues. And here was I venting to some guy about how I was having problems with my parents. He never gave me any real advice about what to do about my current situation

     
    Old 05-12-2008, 01:32 PM   #38
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JennyLee123 View Post
    I went to a therapist before, it was for low income ppl like me with no health insurance. I didn't like it. I did all the talking, and the guy would just listen and make these faces like he really was concerned about what was going on in my life. I don't know, when I was telling him my problems I felt that my situation was not 'deep' enough..everything sounded so childish. A lot of the ppl in the waiting room were folks who were bipolar and had real mental issues. And here was I venting to some guy about how I was having problems with my parents. He never gave me any real advice about what to do about my current situation
    I don't know if it's a wise decision to rule out therapy based on your experience with one therapist. You may have to try several before you find one that you feel good about. It also sounds to me like you don't think your problems are important enough to warrant therapy. That's just another by-product of low self-esteem... you don't feel like you even deserve to get help.

    While it's unfortunate that your relationship with your friend went wrong, there are lots of other people in the world to be friends with. Regretting what has happened and living in the past isn't helping you. There are plenty of people out there for you to be friends with. And that is really what you need right now.

     
    Old 05-12-2008, 03:16 PM   #39
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JennyLee123 View Post
    Sorry, I haven't been posting in a few days the charger to my laptop blew out, and I have to travel to a local library to get on the internet.

    lostsoul, janet, and nogood, I wish we all lived in the same area. It would be fun if I could be around ppl who were in similar situations like me.

    I USED to have friends back when I was 18, 19, 20, but we grew apart. all of them were not due to fights or anything, in some cases our lives took different paths and we no longer had similar things in common.

    I had one friend who I hung out with on a consistent basis for about 4 or 5 years. I used to hop in my car, pick her up and we'd just burn gas just driving around the city. Or meet guys and get into a little drama. It was fun. Then she made a friend at her college--it was a guy--and our friendship pretty much deteriorating when he came into the picture. Honestly, when I think back, I feel that HE is the reason why our friendship made the turn that it did. And I am starting to feel a bit of bitterness after the fact. Before, we had NO conflict and if we did, we would settle it and everything would be fine.

    This "guy friend" eventually became friends with me as well. And he would tell me that my best friend was talking about me behind my back. When I would ask him, what exactly she said, he would go "nevermind, forget about it". For the longest, this would linger in the back of my mind, I wanted to know if she truly had said mean things about me. One day I called her, and confronted her about it and the conversation got real heated and UGLY. Of course she denied it. And she prompted to call the "guy friend"--but I did not want to talk to him, I wanted to discuss this with HER. Well, in the midst of the conversation she emailed him to call her, and soon enough he did. Before she clicked over she told me she would "call me back" and I have not heard from her in over 5 or 6 months.

    I was hurt because I felt that she let this "guy friend" come in between us. We had been friends since elementary and high school and she let this 'guy friend' who she had only known for 2 or 3 years manipulate our friendship. He probably persuaded her to think that I was a bad person or was in the wrong, and told her not to ever call me again. Ironically, I stayed cool with the "guy friend" and he stayed in contact with the both of us. Over time, I cut him out of my life as well. I just had this intuition that he was bad luck and wanted to bring misery in my life.

    So this leads me to my current situation..no friends..no active social life..no boyfriend no nothing. I often wonder if it were best that I should have just not said anything about it at all..just ignored what he was saying and not let it get to me..I am not sure if I made the right decision. Sometimes I think that if I had never confronted her, I would have still had a friend till this day.

    A few pages ago I listed some suggestions on how to make new friends, such as inviting a co-worker to coffee or lunch. I think building a base of friends is a great way to get back into a social life. The guys will follow, since everyone knows a single guy somewhere who might be interested in meeting a new girl. Getting together with one friend often leads to making a whole group of friends. And don't be afraid to approach a really outgoing person for friendships, these people usually have a big network of friends & family, which will be a built-in group of people for you to meet. My 3 best friends all moved out of state at the same time, leaving me alone here! But I got involved in activities (sports) which led me to meeting a slew of new people and I have some new great friends and am having a blast with them. Please remember friends are about having fun and having someone to vent to, go out there, meet some people and good luck!

     
    Old 05-12-2008, 05:03 PM   #40
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
    A few pages ago I listed some suggestions on how to make new friends, such as inviting a co-worker to coffee or lunch. I think building a base of friends is a great way to get back into a social life. The guys will follow, since everyone knows a single guy somewhere who might be interested in meeting a new girl. Getting together with one friend often leads to making a whole group of friends. And don't be afraid to approach a really outgoing person for friendships, these people usually have a big network of friends & family, which will be a built-in group of people for you to meet. My 3 best friends all moved out of state at the same time, leaving me alone here! But I got involved in activities (sports) which led me to meeting a slew of new people and I have some new great friends and am having a blast with them. Please remember friends are about having fun and having someone to vent to, go out there, meet some people and good luck!
    This is excellent advice that you should absolutely take. While it's nice to hear from those commiserating, ultimately taking action is what will change things for you.

     
    Old 05-12-2008, 07:22 PM   #41
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    while i agree with the last two posts about friends, its still not that easy to do as you get older, especially after college. right now i'm involved in SEVERAL activities, have gotten to know lots of new people, men and women, (went out with/dated a couple of the women) but still no friends like i had in college; weekends are pretty lonely actually. sometimes you just meet lots of people that you don't have anything in common with. to be honest, i can't say i really want to hang out extensively with these people either; they're great but there's just not anything we can do together (other than dancing with the women i guess, ). we get too complicated as we get older..

     
    Old 05-12-2008, 08:14 PM   #42
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Lance0204 View Post
    while i agree with the last two posts about friends, its still not that easy to do as you get older, especially after college. right now i'm involved in SEVERAL activities, have gotten to know lots of new people, men and women, (went out with/dated a couple of the women) but still no friends like i had in college; weekends are pretty lonely actually. sometimes you just meet lots of people that you don't have anything in common with. to be honest, i can't say i really want to hang out extensively with these people either; they're great but there's just not anything we can do together (other than dancing with the women i guess, ). we get too complicated as we get older..

    Well I'm not sure what would be considered "older" but I'm going to be 42 in July and I'm still able to meet people, make friends, and have weekend activities. I think we're all just trying to give helpful advice, and in my experience the more people you meet, the more men you meet (for a female, I can't really say for men wanting to meet women). And trying to make an effort to meet people is better than doing nothing to try to change a situation that is making you unhappy. And the young lady who started the thread is young, so there are going to be more opportunities for her than for us "older" folk.

     
    Old 05-12-2008, 11:55 PM   #43
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    I'm not trying to make light of your problems and I've read most but not al of the replies but why are you posting this thread? are you posting it to find others that feel like you or are you posting it to get some help? because in my experience finding empathy in others can only go so far, at the end of the day, unless you take action to change your current situation (and you got some great advice here for that), you're still in the same place you were before.
    it sounds like you know there can be more out there for you, but you lack the self-esteem to know that you deserve it. you do. every human deserves social interaction, in fact you'll wither away without it. what about volunteering? I've met some wonderful people while volunteering and to know you are needed and appreciated for your work is fulfilling. maybe volunteering with people who have limited social access, like disadvantaged kids or elderly people?
    PS the therapy session you had sounds typical.....it may have seemed like your therapist didn't care about your 'trivial' problems (btw, depression and suicidal thoughts and loneliness are not trivial)...but appreciate his end as well...he wanted to create a supportive (non-judgmental rather than distant) environment so you could feel comfortable. I think thats the goals of most health care professionals initially. no therapist will be able to solve a client's problems within one session, therapy is work on both ends. I think you should give it another shot and even if it feels like nothing changes overnight (which it will), if you work at it and work with your therapist, you will at least be no worse off than what you are right now. Is it scary to think that you may be out of your comfort zone and may have to take uncomfortable actions if your therapist asks you to? Sometimes is frightening to change (even for the better) because you can be so used to the situation you are in now, because, although you are not happy, its predictable.

     
    Old 05-13-2008, 11:27 AM   #44
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ReadyTo Listen View Post
    Wow! Great point! You took the words right out of my mouth!


    Jenny Lee;

    Maybe a guy IS the solution to all of your problems, because (as a guy) I am not here to empathize, but offer you a solution.

    You have got a stink on you that is chasing guys away, and it is time that you wash it off. The stink is called desperation. Most of us have had that smell on us at some point in our lives. The opposite sex can pick up on that scent in a second.

    I could be the perfect guy for you; but why am I suppose to love you when you have such a hard time loving yourself? Name me three things that you love about yourself?

    You may be the person that I have waited my entire life for. We share the same values and interests. But how will I ever meet "the real" you if you change yourself, or hang out in places that you wouldn't otherwise, just to meet guys?

    You have the right to be the person that you want to be, and totally free of what life wanted to shape you into. Stop dwelling on the past, and instead start planning your bright future! Just because you are not yet where you want to eventually be, doesn't mean that something is wrong.

    What makes you think you'll appeciate finally reaching your destination, if you are unable to enjoy the journey?

    Don't change things about yourself to please anyone but yourself. These are the same things that will later attract me to you. Start by realizing all the great things about yourself, before you offer them to someone else.

    Don't settle for any relationship. Don't give up your dreams and beliefs just to keep someone around. Relationships involve hard work and compromise; but you shouldn't loose yourself in the process.

    You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince, so don't settle for anything that comes your way.

    You deserve to find your best friend, your lover, and the person who touches your very sole. But to do so, you must first shed yourself of the negative feelings and events that have brought you to this point of despair.

    Celebrate all of the great aspects of yourself and all that you have to offer others. I will charish them too someday, when I come along.

    First discover yourself, and then you will discover me.
    I really don't understand why I would seem desperate. If I don't know what I am doing to appear desperate then how can I change it? It's not like when I meet guys I act all clingy, and talk about depressing things. Guys don't even get a chance to know me, they just see me stare and act like they're scared to approach me. Usually, I am doing something productive like at a library reading or in school doing classwork, studying so I don't look like I am thirsty for attention

     
    Old 05-13-2008, 11:33 AM   #45
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    Re: ::sigh:: No luck with men

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JennyLee123 View Post
    I really don't understand why I would seem desperate. If I don't know what I am doing to appear desperate then how can I change it? It's not like when I meet guys I act all clingy, and talk about depressing things. Guys don't even get a chance to know me, they just see me stare and act like they're scared to approach me. Usually, I am doing something productive like at a library reading or in school doing classwork, studying so I don't look like I am thirsty for attention
    My husband was afraid to approach me when he first saw me. He saw that I had a lot of friends and he thought I was pretty, so he assumed I wouldn't be interested in meeting him. I noticed him and just decided to approach him myself. We ended up married for 12 years (now divorced) but my point is, he had misconceptions about me that were untrue, and I thought he didn't like me since he never said hello. So maybe the guys you see are afraid to approach you because you are attractive in appearance, or look busy. If you see a guy looking, go ahead and smile in a friendly way and continue reading. If he's still looking, smile again and continue. If he can't see that you want him to say hello he's clueless! And go ahead and approach people yourself, both male and female both to meet guys and make new friends. Who can resist a friendly, smiling girl?

     
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