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  • how to end abusive 'friendship'?

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    Old 05-25-2008, 04:52 PM   #1
    xmerkatx's Avatar
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    Red face how to end abusive 'friendship'?

    I have a 'friend' of about 7 years who, upon looking at why I feel so horrible when I am around her and on reading about abuse, I realize just how toxic she has been and I am now really disgusted. There's no question in my mind that the 'friendship' needs to end, it has to for my own health. This is a person who has talked down to me as if I am a child, blatantly ignored me while in her presence for what reason I have NO idea, lies to me about us doing mutual activities to get me to hang out with her and then hanging out with her turns into her acting/being moody and not talking to me to make me think she's mad at me and turns hanging out into me tagging along while she does all her errands. She also started dating this man who she brought along every time we hung out even after I asked her NOT to because all he would do was rage about every little thing and then one night when we were out we were supposed to go out to eat and both of them brought me to a town I was not familiar in. Neither of them would decide where we would go so he turned around to me and screamed at me and called me names because I would not decide FOR them. She seemed to find this funny.

    We soon had a falling out over all of those things and more (they both ruined my birthday by coming out to my college town after I asked her yet again not to bring him and then deciding to spend the whole day doing whatever they wanted and yelled at me for not driving out to a diner I didn't even want to go to, and my friend had her kid with her and she refused to bring him onto my campus with some paranoid reasoning about all the horrible kids on the campus mistreating her son). I tried to be an adult about it and told her I no longer wanted to be her friend and she threw back a ton of verbal abuse and said a lot of extremely horrible things. Things like how I will always be a virgin because I'm so ugly, how I deserved the abuse I had received from an ex-boyfriend of mine, a bunch of terrible names, how I will fail in life because I'm so stupid (mind you, I was the one going to college, not her), etc etc. It took me a really long time to even partially heal from those things and I obviously still remember them today.

    She contacted me recently after all those years and apologized. It sounded genuine, didn't blame me for anything, admitted she said horrible things. I feel like an utter fool for believing any of the apology, because it's obvious she feels righteous over the maltreatment, is even more vicious and more passive-aggressive now, and she's made little statements here or there, little digs that shows that she actually holds all the verbal abuse she threw at me when I tried to end the friendship the last time to be truths in her head. I realized she really likes me when I'm having my own personal hardships, then seems to be seething and refuses to talk to me when I'm happy. I recently hung out twice when I've been home from college and both times things were just OFF, that gut feeling, not to mention actual things that happened. I'm finally done because of how horrible I was treated this last time by her. She also has a new boyfriend, who this last time drove the 3 of us to go out to eat at a place a half hour away and he screamed and swore at other drivers the entire time, which scares me horribly, and back at their apartment his dog was doing normal dog things (excited to see a new person) and this guy is BULKY and he grabbed the dog by its neck like it is a ragdoll and squished the dog's face into the floor and it yelped out in pain and he would not let go of it. I left, wanting to puke, and I have not talked to her since, and she has sent me a ton of happy-sounding apology emails, apology about 'being boring' but nothing to apologize for any of the wrongs. She just really seems to take absolute joy in my pain, and I KNOW for a FACT that she loves the pain of others as she's come right out and said it.

    So yes, it absolutely NEEDS to end. The thing is that it cannot end like a normal friendship would end, right? I am too afraid of her to even just tell her I've lost interest or something along those lines, because it's quite obvious exactly how she will react (with a flood of verbal abuse). What do I do? Do I just abruptly cut it off for good? I'm moving soon to a temporary occupation in another state which I think will make things easier for me, but she is likely to try to exact revenge as I have seen her do it to others years after the fact.

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    Old 05-25-2008, 05:18 PM   #2
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    Re: how to end abusive 'friendship'?

    Good thing you're moving. What you should do then is not leaving a forwarding address or phone number. Make sure she has no way of contacting you. And before you leave, don't answer any more calls from her again, ever. I mean, you don't need to talk to her just because she calls. Or emails or texts. Just ignore her and don't ever speak to her again. If you're moving anyway then she won't know how to get in touch with you again unless you give her your contact info. That's really all you can do.

    You don't owe her anything, not after how she has treated you. Just blow her off and never speak to her again. And don't ever put up with that kind of bs from anyone again because you don't need to. You dictate how people treat you, and if anyone treats you badly, just blow them off and don't deal with them at all.

    Old 05-25-2008, 08:07 PM   #3
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    Re: how to end abusive 'friendship'?

    There must be a genuine concern for her in you or this would not bother you as deeply as it does. Good that you can vent that frustration. You are not responsible for her actions and you need to guard yourself from being injured by them.

    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
    Sounds like this friend of yours has been putting you down for so long you can't remember when it was you first started to let it happen. She obviously needs serious help and it doesn't sound like she would be willing to take that from you right now, based on all that you've shared. For your own protection you should distance yourself from her and break those ties, but I wouldn't write her off completely - keep a place in your heart for her - you might be the only true friend she has ever had. Some day down the road you may be in a position to offer her a hand (you may hear something through the grapevine). Circumstances will be different and, by then, you might have a better perspective and more wisdom and confidence to truly make a difference in her life.

    Old 05-26-2008, 06:14 AM   #4
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    Re: how to end abusive 'friendship'?

    This woman is very pushy,mean and obnoxious. How in the world did she find TWO men willing to date her? My advice is going to be harsh, because I find from reading your post that this isnt a simple "dont answer the phone for you". You stated you were "scared", what do you think she will do to you? If you believe she will cause you physical harm, then please ask your local police how you go about getting a restraining order in your area.

    Do you have a friend or relative who can help you out by running interference? Someone who is more aggressive than you are, who can intercept her calls and be tough with her? I think that you must be timid around this woman because of all the abuse, why not get mad? Really mad? Tell her you've had enough of her crap, and then cut off ALL ties with her! Even with others helping, there will come a time when you have to stand up to her yourself! Be tough, and dont mince words. THEN, never ever have anything else to do with her.

    Theres something really wrong with her, not to mention BOTH men she has dated! I felt sorry for the poor dog. You might consider calling someone about that!

    I wish you luck in this, you already know you cant stay in this friendship and it isnt healthy, so your way out is next. Find it, and protect yourself.


    Old 05-26-2008, 06:15 AM   #5
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    Re: how to end abusive 'friendship'?

    You have given this person a second chance..that is plenty. I agree with Kszan, leave no forwarding address, etc, and change your email address. If she calls, be "on the way out" then never answer her calls. She will never change; all you are ever going to get from her is more of the same. What revenge can she try with you? If, in the future, she makes any threats or abuse, document or record it, and take out a restraining order if you need to. Good luck, Sera

    Old 05-26-2008, 08:41 AM   #6
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    Re: how to end abusive 'friendship'?

    I agree with Seraph and Kszan, you don't owe her a thing. You were big enough to give her a second chance which is something I don't think I would have been able to do. Keep track of any emails, phone calls, or whatever she sends you and, if necessary, take legal action. You shouldn't have to be subjected to anything just because you are ending a toxic "friendship".

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