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    Old 07-17-2008, 07:20 PM   #1
    llama4u447
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    Red face boyfriend's dad

    I have had it with my boyfriends dad! I'm so close to just wanting to call him and telling him to stay hell out of our lives. I have been dating him for over 4 years. We started dating in high school, I'm 19 and he's 22. He's hated me since the day he met me. First it was that I was too young, then he thought it was better for his kid to play the field. Through a series of unfortunate events we ended up moving into a rental property that his parents own. Now everything little thing that I do is criticized. On top of that he calls our house drunk like once every 2 weeks and rants. Yes he's an alcoholic. Right now I'm not even on speaking terms with him. A few weeks ago he was at our place fixing something and he got locked out and assumes that I did it. Umm hello, normal people lock their doors when they leave the house so if he got locked out it was out of bad luck. He left a nasty not by the door that he broke down, me and my bf ended up having to fix b/c he broke the door frame. It puts so much stress on our relationship to the point where I just want to end it. My bf is scared of his father and wont stand up to him. I've tried being nice but now its just crossing the line. I'm not going to sit here and try to play nice anymore. We want to move out but right now he's in the middle of trying to find another job and I am making just enough to pay the rent here which is cheaper than an apartment. October will probably be when we can afford to do that. Ugh what should I do?

    Last edited by llama4u447; 07-18-2008 at 02:57 PM.

     
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    Old 07-17-2008, 08:41 PM   #2
    Seraph
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    Although October seems a long way off, there is light at the end of this tunnel. Can you hold out until then? Knowing that it is for a limited time may help you to keep your cool. After that you can keep him out of your lives. He sounds truly toxic, and alcoholic to boot. I am not surprised that your BF doesn't want to get into it with him..it never works anyway; these people are impossible to reason with. Hang in there. Sera

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 08:45 PM   #3
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    You should find another boyfriend who doesnt come with this baggage. I know that sounds harsh, but you are very young and you didnt state in your post about how in love you were or anything like that. Not to say that you arent, just noteing that that wasnt part of your post.

    At 22 with an alcoholic father and possible history of disfunctional family.....its going to be hard for your B/F to do anything about his dad, and its going to be hard for him to "allow" you to do anything as well. Despite the history between them, this man is still his father. You stated he was scared of him, which means possible abuse as a child. If you havent lived this kind of life I suppose it would be hard to understand how it works......I grew up this way and I can tell you...unless your B/F gets counseling that will help him when dealing with his dad it is going to be many years before he can be the kind of "man" most women would expect him to be. It isnt that he is flawed, he just needs to come to terms.

    The gist of what I am saying is.....this young man has a long hard road ahead of him, and its going to take a woman with enough love,caring, and understanding to stand by him while HE works out his issues with his dad. I know you live there too.....but this really isnt about you. If it gets to be more of a problem than you can handle and you dont want to leave your B/F then the only thing you can do is find another place to live. Get off this mans property and try to avoid him. Let your B/F deal with him.

    Mileena

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 09:28 PM   #4
    llama4u447
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    We both get along great. I dont plan on leaving him but the stress that comes from his dad on top of the financial/school issues just makes things worse. We both come from pretty messed up families. My dad was a drunk until i was like 6, my mom gave him an ultimatum and he quit cold turkey. I'm very lucky to not remember much of it. Unfortunately for me, my dad still continued to be an emotional abuser. I don't talk to him right now, I feel very hurt and have made the decision that when HE decides that he wants to have a relationship with me I will be happy to be part of it. I wish my bf would understand that just b/c you are family doesn't mean that you have to put up that kind of stuff. Because of the crap I put up with when I was younger I am a little bit mature for my age.All the things that his dad does to me are the same things that he does to his kids. I just wanna go up to his dad and tell him that its pretty sad that the only thing his kid says about him when he acts that way is that he'll be dead in 5 years anyways.

     
    Old 07-17-2008, 11:24 PM   #5
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
    You should find another boyfriend who doesnt come with this baggage. I know that sounds harsh, but you are very young and you didnt state in your post about how in love you were or anything like that. Not to say that you arent, just noteing that that wasnt part of your post.

    At 22 with an alcoholic father and possible history of disfunctional family.....its going to be hard for your B/F to do anything about his dad, and its going to be hard for him to "allow" you to do anything as well. Despite the history between them, this man is still his father. You stated he was scared of him, which means possible abuse as a child. If you havent lived this kind of life I suppose it would be hard to understand how it works......I grew up this way and I can tell you...unless your B/F gets counseling that will help him when dealing with his dad it is going to be many years before he can be the kind of "man" most women would expect him to be. It isnt that he is flawed, he just needs to come to terms.

    The gist of what I am saying is.....this young man has a long hard road ahead of him, and its going to take a woman with enough love,caring, and understanding to stand by him while HE works out his issues with his dad. I know you live there too.....but this really isnt about you. If it gets to be more of a problem than you can handle and you dont want to leave your B/F then the only thing you can do is find another place to live. Get off this mans property and try to avoid him. Let your B/F deal with him.

    Mileena
    Ok I'm sorry I HIGHLY DISAGREE with this reply. I can respect it but still. I have been in a similar situation with my now-husband. Not all people "need" counseling to get past things. Not all products of alcoholic fathers are unmanageable. All I'm saying is don't let anyone stop you from doing anything (i.e. being with one you love-4 years is a great foundation) because of your age. I met my husband at 16 and have been with him ever since. We are best friends. My god we have had our awful apocalyptic-type fights but you make it through. If you think this guy is worth it, by all means....you just gotta get through this. And you know you can. Yes, it is unfortunate and disrupting and frustrating that you have this kind of relationship with his dad, but if you love this guy and want to be with him the rest of your life, just think how great it will be when you both are able to own your own place and be in your own little world without anyone else intruding. It's worth it, promise.

    I do agree with the end of the quoted post. Yes, move as soon as possible, and yes - let your bf deal with his dad. Think if it was reversed. Wouldn't you rather deal with your parents than having him deal with them if there is ever a confrontation? My main advice is don't give up easily because the man you love has family you are not fond of and let him deal with his family because if you get in between them you are obviously the blame, however unfair.

    good luck! i feel for you!

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 07:05 AM   #6
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    There is no doubt about it that you have to move. The thing is, your boyfriend is going to have to deal with his father when he is ready. Maybe getting some distance from him and not living under his thumb will help him to gain the confidence his father has stripped from him?

    October is really only 3 months away. I would do your best to not be around his family. He can if he wants but you stear clear. Once you are out of the situation you are in now he may be able to see things more clearly.

    Don't allow his father to come between you. Be supportive of your boyfriend but allow him to come to terms with things in his own time. If you just can't deal with it at all then it may be time to move on all together.

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 07:42 AM   #7
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    it's not your place to tell off his dad......why would you think it would be?
    do you think that will make things any better with your boyfriend?
    I doubt it.
    yes.....this boy comes with too much baggage......unless you can get him out from under that roof this relationship doesn't stand much of a chance.....
    sorry

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 02:55 PM   #8
    llama4u447
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    I never said I was going to tell him off. I said that he makes me want to do that. Also I dont want to sound bitchy but it is my place to tell his dad off if everything he says is to personally attack me. I dont do it b/c I dont want to make anything worse. Honestly if I told him off my bf would not care. He has a very touchy relationship with his dad due to his alcoholism. Whenever I talk to him about telling his dad to go to AA all he says is hes going to die in like 5 year anyways. How much worse do you really think it could get?Also I came here for advice about his dad. I never said that there was anything wrong with my relationship with my bf. If there was we wouldnt have lasted 4 years. Thats most than a lot of marriages.

     
    Old 07-18-2008, 03:15 PM   #9
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by llama4u447 View Post
    I never said I was going to tell him off. I said that he makes me want to do that. Also I dont want to sound bitchy but it is my place to tell his dad off if everything he says is to personally attack me. I dont do it b/c I dont want to make anything worse. Honestly if I told him off my bf would not care. He has a very touchy relationship with his dad due to his alcoholism. Whenever I talk to him about telling his dad to go to AA all he says is hes going to die in like 5 year anyways. How much worse do you really think it could get?Also I came here for advice about his dad. I never said that there was anything wrong with my relationship with my bf. If there was we wouldnt have lasted 4 years. Thats most than a lot of marriages.

    wow I didn't realize you were with him for 4 years......that's almost like......forever! By all means then tell the man off......it's not just your right.....it's practically your responsibility!!!!

     
    Old 07-24-2008, 11:06 AM   #10
    m1e1b1s1
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    Smile Re: boyfriend's dad

    I too HIGHLY disagree with that reply...that you should leave him, due to baggage.

    If that was the case, my DH would have left ME, my mother was a severe alcoholic, it caused stress, however...we BOTH put our feet down, she ended up with help (after losing everything ) and has now been SOBER FOR 13 YEARS! I've been married for 13......

    You do NOT leave someone because of a family member.....yes, he may come from a dysfunctional family, but so what....we're ALL dysfunctional in one way or another.

    your BF has to deal with his dad....you NEED to move out ASAP. Stop all contact with him (the father) if you have to. It is VERY hard to walk away from someone like that, HOWEVER.....only THEY can get help if they WANT it, and YOU don't need to be dragged down with it.

    Gosh...good luck....this just brought back tons of bad memories, but I got through it, you will too, my mother did....and now I can honestly say someone I didn't like...yes, that is harsh...I loved her, however I did not like her, is now my friend!

     
    Old 07-26-2008, 12:44 AM   #11
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    Re: boyfriend's dad

    Well, if people left a relationship at the sign of family dysfunction then I would not only be single, but probably six feet under!

    My family is very hurtful to me and toxic to the point where I blame it (the stress) for causing my fibromyalgia. Actually, that was suggested to me by my dr.

    I have asked my hubby (married almost 8 yrs, together 13) why he puts up with this drama. He says b/c he loves me and knows it is not my fault that they are the way they are and that I was born in the middle. Thank goodness!

     
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