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  • UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

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    Old 09-19-2008, 09:32 AM   #31
    Mary83
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    I think the list thing is a good idea. I'm the type of person that has trouble staying mad, even when something really bad is done to me. It's a blessing and a curse, because I'm one of the most forgiving people ever, but I also forgive too soon or when forgiveness is not warranted. So, keep reminding yourself all the bad, and truthful things about him and your relationship.

    And, I can relate to how your feeling. About 4 years ago I was dating ago I was madly in love with. He was HORRIBLE to me and never showed me he loved me. I finally decided to leave him (I lived with him in Europe and moved back to the U.S) and it was the absolute BEST decision of my life. I realize now how terrible my ex was to me and I'm ashamed at myself for being and staying with someone like him. And now I know what "real" love is, and my ex can't even compare. You will find someone who will love you, and trust me, you'll back and wonder {removed} was I ever with that jerk?!?

    Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-19-2008 at 01:09 PM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

     
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    Old 09-19-2008, 11:10 AM   #32
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    I know you don't see it right now but you are better off this way. In time you will come to see this. You just need a little bit of time out of your relationship so you can look back and breath that big sigh of relief.

    The past 9 months or so have been a rollercoaster ride that he has been controlling. Don't you see that this newest "breakup" is a way for him to control as well? That way in a couple days/weeks when he comes calling wanting you back he will expect for you to jump at the chance. That way you are basically accepting blame for things that haven't been your fault. Do you see what I'm saying?

    I think the list is an excellent idea. It's always easier to remember the "good" times or the "happy" times after a break up and then those warm fuzzy feelings come back and then eventually you are doing whatever you can to get them back. You can't do that in this case. You can't even consider going back to him unless he makes some HUGE life changes for himself which is going to take a lot of time.

    I know you know that deep down inside you deserve better. I think you gave him all the shots that he needed to treat you right. 9 months is long enough to spend with someone who treats you this way. You don't want a lifetime of this, believe me. Stay strong. In a few weeks/months you will look back and be very happy things ended this way once and for all.

     
    Old 09-22-2008, 09:24 AM   #33
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    Thumbs down Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    okay. so right now i am feeling like really bad. im still staying with my parents, so we still arent living together again. although i went and saw him saturday night. i deleted my text messages in my phone for 2 reasons, 1 it was full 2 i want him to realize its non of his business since we arent together. as soon as i walk in the door, he is going through my phone, he is grillin me. asking me all kinds of questions. hes telling me that im lying to him about where i went tonight, etc. there are 2 guys that "i gave my number to" and i put that in "" because these are guys i have known for 5 years, but didnt talk to because of him. now that im not with him anymore, i have started trying to associate with more people, including my old guy friends.
    he doesnt like it, he even deletes their numbers. tells me to stop talking to them. tells me to delete my social networking site.
    well it was 4 am and i was ready to go home by then, but i had an hour drive. so i just sucked it up, and i went to sleep (we stayed at his gramas, where he is staying right now). the next morning he is grillin me again, i told him i cant do this, and that i just want to leave. he doesnt let me leave and he takes my phone from me threatning to break it. i realize that you are probably thinking "just walk out the door!" but its not that easy. he would have followed me. so after him threatning to break my phone, and after sitting there for 2 hours & i was just sitting there crying because i wanted to leave and i wanted my phone back but there was nothing i could do about it.
    finally he gets "sick of looking at me", put my phone in my purse and tells me to leave, so i litterally run out the door.
    he then calls me, and asks if im happy i left. he just sits there on the phone. im not saying anything. i am relieved to finally get away & in my own car on the way to see my parents. it was like a ton of bricks off my back. so we are still just sitting on the phone... and i say that he cant control me. i tell him that these guys are just my friends, and that i can talk to whoever i want to talk to! so then my phone goes dead, and i still have 40mins left to drive until i get to my parents house. by the time i get there, i plug my phone in and 2 seconds later it rings, of course its him. not only is he STILL calling he sent me like 20 text messages. the first thing i do, is get on my computer and change my passwords. he isnt going to delete all my stuff!! so i call him from my parents house, its the only way to get him to stop calling.
    so i call and i talk to him for a few mins, and hes "ok" now because now he knows my phone was dead and that i wasnt ignoring him. i told him i have things to do & ill talk to him later.
    so he calls me later, before bed and he starts asking me a hundred questions again. UGHHH i cant take this. i just want things to be normal. he asks if i talk to guys today, yes. and the number he deleted, i put it back in my phone. i told him that. i told him he is possessive and controlling. i told him that we arent together. he calls me {REMOVED} {ADDED: NAMES} for talking to these guys, even though i have never "did it" with them, and i have known them throughout highschool. he tells me that he wants things to work with me, but he doesnt know how. he is so messed up in the head, and i dont know how i was able to handle it for so long. he told me that he wants things to work. he wants to be with me but when "i act like this" he just gets angry and he cant get over that i lied.
    he tells me that i have to come see him tomorrow, and that i have to bring my laptop, not to delete anything on my phone. he wants to go through it and then maybe he can understand these guys are just my friends.
    he wouldnt let me off the phone until i agreed, and if i would have hung up on him then he would have came to my parents house. he said so, and he has done it before.

    i dont want to go see him today. i texted him a long message thing morning and i basically told him that love isnt enough, and that there are things that i needed from him. then i told him what i needed and i said if he cant give me this then lets not waste our time. i gave him that altumatim because i know that these are things he cant give me. i cant just say {REMOVED} it" because then i feel bad. i feel like im letting him down. the only person that he trusted, i lied. even though it was just a little white lie, i lied and thats how he sees it. i feel like im a disappointment, and i feel like i let him down. i love this man but i dont want to be with him. i dont know how to handle this. the man that i love is not this guy i see now. he is silly, he is goofy, he is fun. this guy now is psycho. i dont know what to do. i just want him to leave me alone. but he wants to be with me, i dont want to be with him. i cant handle this. its so much pressure, and i want to go out with my friends. guys or girls. i want to make my own choices. i can never do that if i were to be with him. he has issues that developed through his childhood and he cant let them go, therefore he is still so effed up in the head. hes not normal. i wish he was and none of this would be happening. but he keeps telling me that he wants it to work out, and that he loves me, but he doesnt know how to fix it.
    if i knew that this crazy person didnt exist in him, i would try to fix this. but i know that there is this crazy person inside him and i dont want anything to do with that person. i dont know what to do. i feel terrible because hes not a bad guy, he is just effed up in the head. really. and i love the man i fell in love with, but i know that he cant be that man all the time. so i dont know what to do. how to i handle this kind of situation????

    Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-22-2008 at 12:01 PM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

     
    Old 09-22-2008, 09:27 AM   #34
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    sillygoose is he doing something about his bi-polar?
    until then, there is no hope for this relationship to survive.....

     
    Old 09-22-2008, 09:41 AM   #35
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    its not just his being bi-polar. that is probably only half the problem. he needs counselling. he needs meds. i dont know what hes doing about the bi-polar thing. he is messed up in the head. he doesnt trust people. he is angry. he is mean... there are things about him. he is not normal. he needs help. i dont think this relationship will survive, but how do i survive this! how do i manage this! i dont know how to control the situation. its getting out of hand.

     
    Old 09-22-2008, 09:48 AM   #36
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    you control the situation by getting away from it......
    that's all you can control.......yourself.....
    remove yourself from it......

     
    Old 09-22-2008, 09:56 AM   #37
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    i try. when he calls me i dont answer and when he texts me i dont answer. but when i do that it just makes him do it more so i dont feel like i have a choice. hes doing ok this morning. not crazy yet. he just texted me once & tried to call me once but when he called i was on the phone with my dad so i didnt answer.. im hoping that he will tell me that he cant give me what i need, and that there is no hope. i dont believe that he is trying to control me. he broke up with me, and he expects me to not talk to other people? not to talk to my old friends? why does somebody thing they can act that way?

     
    Old 09-22-2008, 11:52 AM   #38
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    i am having a huge issues right now. i dont know how to say no. he wants me to fix this and he wants to be together. he says that once he can trust me again then i can do what i want to do. but i dont know if i have the energy. i am so worn down. i am stressed out. i am such a people pleaser. i dont want to do this. i just want my space. i want out. i cant breathe but i dont know how to tell him no. i tell him that i want space and he just gets so mad at me. he says your the one that lied to me and you need to act like you care. i cant fix anything. i dont have the energy!!!!! i just want out. i dont know how to do it. im so use to just making him happy. but im not happy right now. i dont know what to do with myself. i know that it makes me upset. i just want to breathe. i dont feel like i can breathe.

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 04:37 AM   #39
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    Once he can trust you again? Are you serious? He's litereally expecting you to jump through hoops to be with him, and for what? So you can be held against your will and basically scared and threatened into being with him?

    Take a step back and look at this objectively silly. No matter how much he claims to love you he is BAD NEWS!!! No good is going to come of giving into him. The only result is more lack of trust on his part and him trying to have even more control over you. I know you don't want that.

    You say you want out but you can't tell him "no". So you need to go the next step. You need your parents to help you. Have your dad go and get your things from your apartment with a friend of his or someone else male. I know your dad will get your things and ignore him. I'm sure he would be more than happy to have you home and know you are away from that craziness. The next thing you need to do is change your phone number so he can't contact you anymore. Who cares about the "inconvenience" of having to tell everyone (but him) what the new one is. At least you won't be bothered by his nonstop harrassment. If he threatens you or starts going to your parents' home then you get a restraining order. There are ways to break up with him and get him gone, but you have to be firm and put your foot down. Use your family to help you.

    Please take it from me, another "people pleaser". He is telling you anything you want to hear to get you back. He is unstable and will continue to be this way until he finally realizes that he needs help. YOU CAN NOT SAVE HIM. You have to save yourself and walk away. He is going to get physical eventually in an attempt to gain more control. My exhusband was a lot like this guy silly, but I was too naive or blinded by love (and in hindsight I will say stupid) to walk away. I kept thinking I could help him. I lost my dignity, my self esteem, my pride, and I brought an innocent child into my relationship. You don't want to do that.

    Please, please, please, talk to your parents and have them help you! Also, update us and let us know how you are doing. Your boyfriend scares me.

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 07:50 AM   #40
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    so i got out of seeing him lastnight. which is what i wanted. but he wouldnt stop calling my work, or my cell phone. there are these guys i mentioned, that im just friends with well he wants me to delete their numbers, and i told him "fine. ill let you do that if i can go through your phone and delete 2 numbers" and surprisingly he agreed. i didnt expect him to agree to that. so ok, then he tells me not to delete my text messages. well he wants a "fresh start" so i deleted all my messages except the ones starting from yesterday. oooh ok that made him mad. i said that if we are going to have a fresh start, its not going to start from 2-3 days ago, its going to start from when we made a agreement. i thought it would push him to where he would be like eff you eff this im done, but no. he didnt, he just basically griped me out for it. so that didnt work either. so he calls me at work again when im supposed to be leaving, then he tells me to call him on my way home. ok so i call him and he just wants to sit there on the phone. so then hes telling me all this stuff and what he wants and how things are going to be. so im just sitting there and i want to scream. i finally get the courage to tell him that i need space & i cant breathe. hes like what do you mean? and i told him that i dont have the energy for this. so again, i was explaining myself to keep him from going crazy again. he did get mad and he called me a b-word and told me eff you and then hung up. so then he calls back and i ask him "you know you could use the space too. do you ever ask yourself if im the girl you want to be with forever?" and he says "yeah. most of the time the answer is no, but sometimes when your that perfect girlfriend i know you to be the answer is yes" so then i said "see you dont even know if im the girl you want most of the time! so tell me why do you waste your time. why dont you just move on?" and he says he cant answer that question, but he wants to see where it goes. so then i get firm and i tell him that i need a couple of days and if he cant give it to me i dont know what to say. he says eff it. im done.
    so then later, i felt bad. we were supposed to meet at the apartment tonight, to talk and see how things go. so i texted him, a couple of times. finally when i say this is my last attempt to talk to you, he responds. so now im back where i dont want to be.
    i do want to meet with him, just to see how it goes. but im so sick of the fighting. i dont want to fight anymore. i suggested that he stay at the apartment, and i stay at my parents... and i come visit him & maybe ill stay a few nights a week. that made him mad too.
    i know that he is dangerous. my parents dont think he is a bad guy, but he is seriously effed up in the head. i dont know why he wants to work things out with me so bad, if most of the time he doesnt think ill be the one for him. he says that im the only person he has... so ok? im the only person he has, but you dont want to be with me? so maybe we can be friends. i dont really know. like i said i want to meet with him tonight to see how things are, but i know that its probably a bad idea.

    Last edited by deskette; 09-23-2008 at 02:23 PM.

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 10:07 AM   #41
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    You're sending him mixed messages. One minute you are saying you need space and a couple of days away, the next you are texting and texting until you get a response. Can you see that your behavior might drive even a completely stable person a little nuts? I broke up with someone who kept giving me the "go away, come back, go away, come back" treatment because I was tired of waiting for him to make up his mind. You may not see it, but you are doing that to him. He is not 100% to blame.

    I think a break (a real one, not one for half an hour and then you text him changing your mind) is a great idea for the both of you since neither one of you seems to know what they want. Get it figured out in your minds and then meet and talk. You can't reach any conclusions as long as you are both on the roller coaster.

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 10:08 AM   #42
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    this relationship is unhealthy.....don't you see that?
    this nonsense and drama will continue until you put a stop to it.....
    when are you planning on doing that?????????????????

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 10:51 AM   #43
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    i know that a break is a good idea but when i suggested that he got mad at me. he said well if you need a break then screw it. im done. thats what he said. so i said okay well if thats the way you feel then fine. but i know that he didnt really feel that way. i know what he wants me to do, and i know how he wants me to act. i felt bad, because he really wanted to talk to me and i kind of blew him off. that is why i texted him later and was trying to talk to him.
    i know that we need to give eachother space. i know that. i know that the relationship is unhealthy. i am just so confused right now. its really hard. this is really hard for me. i am just afraid i will make the wrong choice. i have a chance to "fix" the relationship, but if i want a break from him then im giving up that chance.
    so then i dont know if i even want to fix it. i know you people cant tell me what to do, and that you can just give me your wise opinions but i am really truly confused. i never thought something could be so difficult. i dont know what to do. i dont know what i want.
    which is why i asked him for space... i put myself in a place where i wanted to be. by finally asking him for space, but then i went around and messed it up by texting and trying to explain myself. i dont know what im doing.

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 11:03 AM   #44
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    You don't have a chance to "fix" this. This mess is unfixable. He wants you to be one way, his way. He wants a relationship on his terms. He wants to control you and every aspect of your life. Are you okay with that? Are you okay with never ever being trusted no matter what you do? You will jump through one hoop and then the next and so on until you become a person you don't even recognize. Is this how you see your life?

    It is as simple as telling him you are done and cutting him off. He is NO GOOD FOR YOU!!! Until you realize that and accept you can't do anything to fix this then you will go on and on in this cycle. Haven't you had enough?

    I'm not trying to be harsh at all. But you need to realize that you hold the power to make this stop. Who care if he "gets mad" at you for not wanting to be with him? You are not responsible for his happiness. You are responsible for your's and you are clearly not happy. Now what are you going to do about you and your feelings because I can guarentee you that he isn't factoring your happiness into his thinking.

     
    Old 09-23-2008, 11:21 AM   #45
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    Re: UPDATE!!!! Re: am i over re-acting?

    happymom i dont take you harshly.
    i know that you are right... i know where i can see this going. there are 2 pictures in my head. not everything about him is bad. i dont really have much of a response because i know that everything you said is the truth. its just really hard for me to walk away. but why is it so hard for me? after all the pain i have felt? why is it so difficult to turn away?

     
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