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  • When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

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    Old 11-03-2008, 05:32 AM   #31
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MSNik View Post
    Thanks, I really appreciate all the time and energy you have put into this thread. ITs really nice to know you are there.
    Glad I can be of some help. I don't have all the answers, but I'll try the best I can.

    I don't understand why you have to wait 90 days to leave, if in fact you want to leave?

    Did the rest of Sunday go ok?

    Ex

     
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    Old 11-04-2008, 05:48 AM   #32
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Hi Ex, i was giving the job 90 days because at that time, they can let me go - no questions asked, and also, my benefits will kick in. With no benefits, leaving him would be stupid, as my health insurance is the number one priority. Sunday went fine, i slept thru most of it, this week, so far has been madness again with the job. Im traveling, and not home until Wed- so at least Im being left alone at home.
    You know, this is really hard. I still miss him. I still think about him day and night, wondering what went wrong and why it isnt fixable...this really hurts, alot.
    Hope you have a good day.
    Nikki
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    Old 11-05-2008, 07:27 AM   #33
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MSNik View Post
    Hi Ex, i was giving the job 90 days because at that time, they can let me go - no questions asked, and also, my benefits will kick in. With no benefits, leaving him would be stupid, as my health insurance is the number one priority.
    I can't argue against your strategy...Probably the safest route. But just so you know, if you were to leave, he'd have to keep you on the health benefits.

    As far as you "missing" him....I understand. Yes, it is a shame that the marriage can't be saved, especially since you care so much about him. In your mind, is it beyond fixable? Do you think he cares or loves you at all? Maybe when you actually leave, he will see the light...Doubt it, but very possible.

    Regards,

    Ex

     
    Old 11-05-2008, 12:02 PM   #34
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Congrats to you for being strong! I can totally understand how it feels to want security. I have had the same problem, (18+ years) minus having a job myself. You have a lot going in your favor. Continue to be strong! He, as your husband, should love you enouph to do whatever it would take to get his wife back, or try and understand who you have become, and except you. The vows as I remember say, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". You can't be someone your not. Enjoy your life, if he truley loves you the way he should as a husband, he will be by your side.

    Blessings, CT

     
    Old 11-05-2008, 06:57 PM   #35
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Hi guys...CT, just so you know, the sickness part is PART of the problem. I have MS and he isnt dealing with it very well.....and EX, yeah, he would have to keep me on his benefits until the divorce went thru, which, if I leave, wont take very long to push thru. My lawyer thinks about 4 months...Im buying myself time is all.
    Tongiht, I had a appt with my therapist, who keeps asking me "what" Im waiting for in making a decision to tell him that I really want this to be over with. When I say to the therapist that I still love him, he asks me WHAT I love about him. We both know I love the few things that are there- which attracted me 5 years ago....but we also both know that I love what I wish was there all the time and absolutely HATE what I see regularly, which is really a horrible way to be treated and a terrible way to live.
    I came home and tried to tell my husband what took place at the therapists office and he stopped me with "I dont care what that quack had to say". When he says things like this, it really hurts me. HE is the one who told me to go 'get help". Only now that he sees that it isnt changing anything- he resents that too.
    Im supposed to go see my girlfriend in Florida next week - first time in 6 years Ive seen her (my oldest best friend in the world) and the first time in 6 years Ill be away from hubby for more then a night (of work related travel). Im terrified to go. I keep wondering if Illl come back to NOTHING- as far as the house goes, or NOTHING as far as his emotions...i guess a part of me likes hearing that he loves me, even if he doesnt act like it.....he is now threatening me that if I go- thats it, papers will be on the table when I return. He is probably bluffing, but it still hurts. And, i know its a control tactic to keep me from going (and its starting to almost work) but Illl go because Im to stubborn to give in, and too confused to know what I really want. Actually, Im not. I want to be treated RIGHT. And, all this sleeping in separate rooms, trying to prove I can take care of myself on my own and refusing to have any physical contact, AT ALL is killing me. My marriage is in shambles..I dont need a threrapist, WE need a marriage counselor, but since he isnt willing to do it, this is the next best thing I guess.
    What a depressing day. I was at work for 13 hours, and Im exhuasted, ending it with a therapy appt was supposed to be good for me, instead Im starting to wonder why the therapist is so determined to convince me that he is really as bad as I think he is....
    is there a reason this guy wouldnt further delve into what Im really seeing and is he just being paid to agree with me? OR is it that he sees the obvious- and I dont want to...at times he ( the threapist) actually seems frustrated that I wont 'move" on this....and no, he isnt the least bit interested in me as a woman.

    hmmm.
    Nikki
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    Old 11-06-2008, 01:41 AM   #36
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    I think the therapist, like all of us, sees that your husband is bad for you... and why is your husband so upset about you going to Florida? I don't get it.

     
    Old 11-07-2008, 08:09 AM   #37
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MSNik View Post

    Tongiht, I had a appt with my therapist, who keeps asking me "what" Im waiting for in making a decision to tell him that I really want this to be over with. When I say to the therapist that I still love him, he asks me WHAT I love about him. We both know I love the few things that are there- which attracted me 5 years ago....but we also both know that I love what I wish was there all the time and absolutely HATE what I see regularly, which is really a horrible way to be treated and a terrible way to live.
    I think what you're holding onto is the "past"....The things you used to see or experience, not what is there now. And, I think this is what the therapist is referring to, conceptually.

    Quote:
    I came home and tried to tell my husband what took place at the therapists office and he stopped me with "I dont care what that quack had to say". When he says things like this, it really hurts me. HE is the one who told me to go 'get help".
    He acts like this because he doesn't like what he hears. Through all your posts that I've read, he sounds like one of those "man's man" where he likes to play "tough guy." Honestly, he playing both sides back against the middle. He also likes to belittle you and knows that it hurts you. Honestly, he is playing a big game of mental abuse with you. He's like the cat who plays with the mouse before the final act. That's the way I see it.

    Quote:
    Im supposed to go see my girlfriend in Florida next week - first time in 6 years Ive seen her (my oldest best friend in the world) and the first time in 6 years Ill be away from hubby for more then a night (of work related travel). Im terrified to go. I keep wondering if Illl come back to NOTHING- as far as the house goes, or NOTHING as far as his emotions...i guess a part of me likes hearing that he loves me, even if he doesnt act like it.....he is now threatening me that if I go- thats it, papers will be on the table when I return. He is probably bluffing, but it still hurts. And, i know its a control tactic to keep me from going (and its starting to almost work) but Illl go because Im to stubborn to give in, and too confused to know what I really want.
    Again, this is part of the "control" tactic. Additionally, he doesn't want you to go off and have any fun. This is probably one of the best things you could do....Go visit your best friend and "get away."

    He is also afraid of the prospects of life without you and he knows he's gonna get a glimpse of it when you go to Fla. He also knows the more you leave in general, the easier it will be to leave when and if you finally do.

    This whole thing about papers is a bluff...Scare tactic. And even if he did try to pull some stunt and a bunch of your belongings were gone, he wouldn't get away with it...In fact, it would back fire in a big way when you guys got to court.

    Quote:
    My marriage is in shambles..I dont need a threrapist, WE need a marriage counselor, but since he isnt willing to do it, this is the next best thing I guess.
    Yes, it is, and you need to get out. I can't disagree with you're strategy of staying for insurance issues & etc., but I also think down deep inside you're giving it some extra time in hopes that he changes. He won't...Not now anyway. I do think, however, there is a small chance that he might "see the light" if and when you pack up and leave and he's on his own. If he misses you enough, he just might agree to make some major changes....And they'd have to be major. He has to hurt first though. Ironically, if you really want to try to save this thing, I think you have to leave first and see if you can get addition by subtraction.

    At the end of the day, I think what it comes down to is that you have to decide is the insurance issue more important than all that you're going through, or is your mental health and well being more important? Only you can decide.

    Quote:
    What a depressing day. I was at work for 13 hours, and Im exhuasted, ending it with a therapy appt was supposed to be good for me, instead Im starting to wonder why the therapist is so determined to convince me that he is really as bad as I think he is....
    Because based on your own words, this guy is absolutely torturing and mentally abusing the you know what out of you! The therapist sees it, I see it, other posters see it. You don't because you are hanging on to the guy he once was....Or treated you right at one time.

    Quote:
    OR is it that he sees the obvious- and I dont want to...at times he ( the threapist) actually seems frustrated that I wont 'move" on this....
    Yes, because the therapist sees the obvious...Again, he sees the abuse, he sees the neglect, he sees the "control" thing, he sees all of the above....Everything we've been writing about. I feel so sorry for you because he is beating you down to nothing. He wants to control you so you can't leave. In his present form, this man is a beast. Please, please watch yourself and be careful....Some of these domestic disputes can get really hairy if one's not careful, and erupt like a volcano.

    Please continue to take care of yourself and have a wonderful trip to Florida....You deserve it!

    Regards,

    Ex

     
    Old 11-07-2008, 03:03 PM   #38
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Ex, promise to keep talking to me??? I really REALLY apprceciate your words of wisdom and the more I read them, the more they hit home and make sense.

    You are so right, about so many things....

    The controlling issue is one which I recognize and understand....but unfortunately you are also right that he isnt going to change. I dont even think me leaving is going to help him 'see the light" or create addition from subtraction. Hes too stubborn. IF I LEAVE IT WILL BE, IN HIS MIND, THE DUMBEST THING I COULD DO AND I WILL DESERVE WHATEVER HAPPENS TO ME. Its that simple. Already, I am the bad guy....

    So thank you. I really needed to hear what you wrote. And ill re-read it hundreds more times before the night is over.

    thank you.
    Nikki
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    Old 11-07-2008, 04:19 PM   #39
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    You didn't answer my question about Florida, so he just doesn't want you to go because he doesn't like you traveling without him or doing anything fun?

     
    Old 11-07-2008, 11:22 PM   #40
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MSNik View Post
    Ex, promise to keep talking to me??? I really REALLY apprceciate your words of wisdom and the more I read them, the more they hit home and make sense.
    Yes, I will be here for you...To do what I can. Not sure how much I can help, but I will try to support you as much as I can.

    Regards,

    Ex

     
    Old 11-09-2008, 10:40 AM   #41
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Hi Nikki!

    I just got caught up on your posts, and I hope you go to Florida! I think getting away for a little while, with an old, dear friend, will do you a world of good. Your husband saying that when you return, papers will be on the table, is definitely a scare tactic.

    I think your therapist does think you should end this, and perhaps the qualities your husband had when you fell in love with him don't exist anymore? At any rate, the emotional abuse and the way he has dealt with your disease, in my opinion, are deal breakers. I know that you deserve a lot more than that, and I have no doubt that you could succeed (emotionally, financially, etc) without him. I also know that it's much, much easier to say this than do to it. But we'll be behind you 100% no matter what you do.

    I really hope you take that vacation. You've certainly earned it: you've had a rough year, and I think that getting away from your new job and your husband for a few days will be great. You'll have the freedom to think and talk things over with an old friend who knows and loves you, and hopefully you'll come back feeling better and more sure of things.

    I missed you, and I'm glad to be back. When you get a chance, I want to hear more about your new job, and know that you have been in my thoughts and I"m sending you well wishes!
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    Old 11-09-2008, 05:14 PM   #42
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    April Ive thoguht about you so many times over the past two weeks. The job, in a word is HARD. Tomrorow starts week 3. Im working 60 hours a week, they never let me out of there by 5 or 5:30...my administrator handed in her two weeks notice the day after she hired me, which means, she hired me, knowing that I was going to have to hold down a sinking ship until they could find someone to replace her...they still havent. Im doing both the Director of Admissions and the Director of Marketing jobs, when they only hired me for Marketing...I found out I had to do both the day I started...Ive looked around, calling other facilities and found out that im the only one in the company, which does both.....so, im a nervous wreck, exhausted and plowing thru it with only the idea of Florida and benefits on my mind..

    MS wise, im a mess. Ive slept the entire weekend away, only waking up to eat and go back to sleep....Husband wise, right now, im actualy thinking that being married is better then what Im currently attempting to do

    See why I need you? I know its all sleep deprivation and physical exhuastion making me think this way, and that I have to get away just to get my head on straight...and I probably will; but still cant help wondering what Ill face upon my return. IM supposed to leave a week from tomororrw.

    Going back to bed. But Ive missed you..how ARE YOU?
    hugs
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    Old 11-12-2008, 04:55 PM   #43
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    I'm sorry the job isn't what you were hoping it to be. Hopefully you'll be doing just the job you were hired for soon, instead of holding down a sinking ship! I know that story; I've been "filling in" for another department for what seems like a lifetime. One person had maternity leave and the day after she came back another one disappeared for what she says is "migraines" and she can't produce a doctor's note. If she doesn't get fired, she'll be back sometime in December, so just when I thought I could stop "filling in", it started right back up. Thankfully I just got a good raise.

    Please go to Florida! You really need to, Nikki.

    You know it's impossible, impractical, and bad for your health to make life-changing decisions like divorce when you're that exhausted, so don't do it. Divorce may be the answer, but you have to get some mental and physical rest before you make any real plans. Please do that! Divorce is awful, but divorce plus an MS relapse is much worse.

    Thanks for not forgetting me while I was gone, and get some rest! Keep us updated too--don't forget that I'm sending you well wishes everyday.
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    Old 11-13-2008, 05:13 AM   #44
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    hey April. You are soooo right about making life changing decisioins. I am going to Florida. I havent told him yet, but im actually thinking of coming back a day or two earlier. Its partly selfish- i want to be home on my Bday on the 22nd, and I want to see what is happening in my home while Im away. The element of surprise, ya know? so, Ill leave the 17th and come home the 22nd and see my buddy while Im there.

    Life living like this is hard. Its now been 4 months of no contact- not sleeping in the same room- aruging every day....however, with this new job, I have no time to argue, or think really. I get home at 7 pm and am in bed by 9- to get up and do it all again. I hate this job, but I have to admit, the paychecks are GREAT! The marraige will be what it will be I guess. im learning how NOT to predict.

    Are you okay? MS wise- with all you are doing, are you alright? Always on my mind...Nikki
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    Old 11-13-2008, 08:22 AM   #45
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    Re: When do you actually call it quits on the marriage?

    Wow. Nikki I just read all posts from your thread. I am also dealing with marriage struggles. Been with him 18 yrs and have 2 kids. You and I are "Hoping"it will be like it used to be because our men have not left us. They are still "with us",so that is hope for us. Yet,everyone around us knows they are bringing us down. For you to have M.S. on top of it all....Honestly, I have always thought my husband would not be able to handle it if I ever got seriously ill. That is not a healthy thought to have,but it is reality.Fortunately,I have always been independent,making as much as him and handling all finances. But,that doesn't mean we haven't spent more then we've earned either. I sat down the other nite to figure out how it would be financially for me if we split...UGH.When you're used to 2 incomes..it will be a rough haul. BTW-he also cheated on me 8 years ago. My heart has never been the same. About 6 months ago, I met a couple in their 60's. They were very attractive and in love. She also had M.S. and was in a wheelchair. She explained her story to me, they had been married about 20 yrs when she was diagnosed. They took all of their kids(Adults) on a cruise while she was still able to "Party". Her husband told her he was not going anywhere. She has had the disease for 20 yrs now,and they still hold hands at dinner. Nikki, my husband and I don't even talk at dinner. We need to move on girl. I can tell how exhausted you are..but please hang in there. We can't let these men take over the only life we have. No more pretending everything will be ok in our marriages. I'll keep tabs on you. Mommzee

     
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