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  • My guy friend wants me to be his girlfriend

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    Old 11-15-2008, 09:13 PM   #1
    confusedchrissy
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    My guy friend wants me to be his girlfriend

    Hey everyone! I'm 24 and looking for relationship advice. The issue is a guy friend of mine wants me to be his girlfriend.

    First off, I have to stay I am really struggling on what to do about this issue because my friend is the nicest guy and is really great boyfriend material. I met him about 5 months ago. Pretty soon after meeting him, he showed signs of romantic interest. For example, we would take walks around his neighborhood to talk and he would want to hold my hand. This intially really freaked me out because I really didn't have any interest in becoming anything more than friends. I explained to him at this point that I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship, but I think the words "at this time" gave him hope for the future. He said he understood and that he wasn't looking for anything serious either. So I continued to see him as a friend (go to different outings together). Even though I still didn't feel a physical attraction to him, I thought establishing a good friendship would led me to eventually feel more loving feelings for him. Yet, even though I talk to him everyday on the phone and see him almost every weekend, I don't have any stronger feelings about him. For example, I don't miss him and I don't even want to kiss him. I feel horrible because during the past five months that I have been waiting for my feelings to change toward him (become romantically interested), I have been stringing him along. I don't know what to do! On one hand I don't want to end our friendship, but on the other, I don't want to lead him on either. I'm also concerned about addressing this issue with him because he is very sensitive and the last thing I want to do is crush him. I feel like there is something the matter with me for not wanting to be his girlfriend. What complecats the issue even more is that I have gone out on outings with him and his parents and family on several occasions. His family is wonderful! He always tells me how much his parents like me and they always invite me over for dinner.

    If anyone has any advice on what I should do or should not do regarding this relationship issue, please reply! I would greatly appreciate it!! Thanks!!

    Last edited by confusedchrissy; 11-15-2008 at 10:08 PM.

     
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    Old 11-15-2008, 11:43 PM   #2
    digmusic
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    Re: My guy friend wants me to be his girlfriend

    When you say you have been stringing him along, what exactly have you been doing? Have you been telling him that you guys will date eventually and that you have romantic interest in him, or have you just avoided the topic while knowing that he likes you? Either way, you need to be honest with him as soon as possible. Depending on how forgiving he is, he may or may not want to remain friends with you. Guys really hate being strung along and are sensitive to anything that bruises their egos, which this would do. I understand your plight, as it is very hard to tell someone that you're just not attracted to them, especially if it's someone you know would be a good boyfriend. You have to just tough it out though and let him know. The longer you wait, the less likely it is that he won't feel resentful towards you. Unfortunately, some guys don't even want to be your friend when they realize it's not going to go any further, so be prepared for that possibility.

     
    Old 11-16-2008, 08:39 AM   #3
    John5500
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    Re: My guy friend wants me to be his girlfriend

    Hi, confusedchrissy. It doesn't sound like you've done much wrong to me. You expressed your feelings fairly explicitly early on in this friendship but your friend is clearly an optimist and, like you, he hoped time would bring you together. I don't think it's too late to spell things out more clearly and still keep him as a friend; personally I like to be told exactly where I stand so I can move on if the object of my desires is not interested in me.

    What would upset me is if a girl allowed things to go too far (in a physical way) and then turned around and told me that she's not interested. So I recommend that you don't let that happen (and it sounds like you really don't want it to anyway). There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to be with your friend in a romantic way. But I understand how you feel and I know you almost hate yourself for feeling shallow.

    But feeling like that tells you that this guy isn't for you. Maybe you should try talking to him to explain how you feel. I know you said he is sensitive, so approach the situation with sensitivity and be prepared for a setback to your friendship. Just remember: if it was you, you'd want to know so you could move on and stop kidding yourself.

     
    Old 11-16-2008, 06:17 PM   #4
    confusedchrissy
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    Re: My guy friend wants me to be his girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
    When you say you have been stringing him along, what exactly have you been doing? Have you been telling him that you guys will date eventually and that you have romantic interest in him, or have you just avoided the topic while knowing that he likes you? Either way, you need to be honest with him as soon as possible. Depending on how forgiving he is, he may or may not want to remain friends with you. Guys really hate being strung along and are sensitive to anything that bruises their egos, which this would do. I understand your plight, as it is very hard to tell someone that you're just not attracted to them, especially if it's someone you know would be a good boyfriend. You have to just tough it out though and let him know. The longer you wait, the less likely it is that he won't feel resentful towards you. Unfortunately, some guys don't even want to be your friend when they realize it's not going to go any further, so be prepared for that possibility.
    Thank you so much for the advice digmusic!!

     
    Old 11-16-2008, 06:40 PM   #5
    confusedchrissy
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    Re: My guy friend wants me to be his girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng View Post
    Hi, confusedchrissy. It doesn't sound like you've done much wrong to me. You expressed your feelings fairly explicitly early on in this friendship but your friend is clearly an optimist and, like you, he hoped time would bring you together. I don't think it's too late to spell things out more clearly and still keep him as a friend; personally I like to be told exactly where I stand so I can move on if the object of my desires is not interested in me.

    What would upset me is if a girl allowed things to go too far (in a physical way) and then turned around and told me that she's not interested. So I recommend that you don't let that happen (and it sounds like you really don't want it to anyway). There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to be with your friend in a romantic way. But I understand how you feel and I know you almost hate yourself for feeling shallow.

    But feeling like that tells you that this guy isn't for you. Maybe you should try talking to him to explain how you feel. I know you said he is sensitive, so approach the situation with sensitivity and be prepared for a setback to your friendship. Just remember: if it was you, you'd want to know so you could move on and stop kidding yourself.
    Thanks JohnnyBoateng for the advice!! I really do appreciate it. I really did hope time would bring us together! I feel like I have really screwed things up in the meantime though. All this time (5 months) that I have been testing the waters, I have been sending mixed messages. For example when we go out together, I let him hold my hand even though it feels somewhat aqward and when I leave he always walks me to my car and gives me a kiss on the check, even when I haven't kissed him back in the past. The thing is I know he really likes me and I feel if I don't feel any more attracted to him by know I probably never will. Yet, I don't think it's just attraction that that gets in the way, he told me only 4 days after seeing me, that he already missed me and the sad part was, I didn't miss him at all! He's invited to my folks house for Thanksgiving and I'm not sure if I should tell him before then. Thanksgiving is only 11 days away!! I just hope I'm not being shallow!!

     
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