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  • Is my marriage over?

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    Old 01-16-2009, 08:22 AM   #1
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    Is my marriage over?

    I have been married for 5 years and have two children aged 4 & 5yrs. Last weekend my wife and I had a huge fight. I guess over the last year or so we've been taking each other for granted and things have turned sour. Every little thing we say or do gets on each others nerves, it even seems no matter what I say I always get accused of talking to her in a rude way. If I leave a cup on the table she yells at me for being slob. She yells at the kids a lot and when I intervene she then yells at me. I try to bite my lip but I never can and thus we end up getting in another argument. We've not had sex for a loooong time and we're not very intimiate, ever! I have suspected she may be having an affair but doubt it.

    Anyway, on the weekend I overstayed at a friends house and didn't call to say I was going to be late. I don't know why I didn't and so I got yelled at for being inconsiderate. She then told me she was only with me for the kids and if I left tomorrow she wouldn't care one bit. Since then we have barely spoken and she is off doing her own thing and I have no idea where she is half of the time. I'm not a great talker and have a tendancy to mince words, so I've written a letter than explains how I feel and that I want to give 110% to make it work, but another side of me is thinking this is too late. She's been honest and told me how she feels (either that or it was a comment to provoke a reaction). I've also been sleeping in the guest bedroom since the weekend. So I'm not entierly sure what to do. We've had big blowouts before where we've not spoken for a few days but now we're going on day #5 and when we pass in the house she still looks mad. I am not quite sure what to do for the next step. Any advice really appreciated!

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    Old 01-16-2009, 10:56 AM   #2
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    Re: Is my marriage over?

    I'd suggest couples therapy as the next step. Your wife sounds really angry and perhaps a therapist could help get to the bottom of this.

    Old 01-16-2009, 11:52 AM   #3
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    Re: Is my marriage over?

    Originally Posted by cathy1 View Post
    I'd suggest couples therapy as the next step. Your wife sounds really angry and perhaps a therapist could help get to the bottom of this.
    And if she doesn't want to do's time for a divorce lawyer!
    Monkey see...monkey do...
    Secrets are nothing more than lies in disguise.
    Love is fragile...handle with care!

    Old 01-16-2009, 12:10 PM   #4
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    Re: Is my marriage over?

    No, I don't think your marriage is over at all. I think you each are craving to be given forgiveness and treated sweetly by the other. However, you each have decided the other person has wronged you and hurt you so much that you refuse to grant them forgiveness and sweetness until they first deliver it.

    As everyone always says, "COUPLES COUNSELING." However, I think what you are experiencing is common and couples counseling doesn't appear to be necessary in my opinion. I think you both need to GIVE a dose of sweetness and decency to your partner, and need to RECEIVE a dose of sweetness and decency from each other.

    The truth is, you are both hurting and continue to stab each other. You and your spouse are both desperate for love and healing. Your hurt and desperation only further fuel your ugliness toward one another.

    Your wife is possibly so mad and hurt that she can't even stand the thought of spending another day with someone who could hurt her so. You see, that's just it. The people we love have the greatest potential to hurt us because we are vulnerable to them, not only in our feelings and affections towards them, but also because they greater knowledge than anyone else how they can strike us down.

    I have been putting my husband down for a week straight now because I am hurting over mistakes he has made. Somewhere in mind I seem to think that if I can make him hurt like he's made me hurt, or tell him how horrible he is, or show him just how angry he has made me, he'll want to change and treat me better. But that's not how it works. When someone hurts us (even if we wronged them first), we become defensive and distant. We decide that person no longer deserves to be treated kindly by us.

    But guess what---the only thing that can interrupt this vicious cycle is love, affection, and seemingly undeserved sweetness. These things that are oh-so-difficult to be because it seems irrational to treat someone sweet who acts like they hate you.

    Let's get rational for a minute. This woman is your wife. You've only been married for 5 years. She has two children with you. Don't you think that if there was any possibility that you two could treat each other with love and respect that she would want to stay in a marriage with the father of her two children!?! I will tell you---more than anything, this woman wants a HAPPY marriage with YOU. But because the hurting makes it seem impossible to achieve, she is pulling away. I don't doubt that she makes threats. I do that, too. I tell my husband I am going to cheat on him just because I know it will hurt him, when really, more than anything, I wish my husband would show me love and affection, and because I want the hurt to go away. Sometimes, he shows me love and affection but I am still caught up in the hurt that i just want to hurt him, even if he is being sweet. I don't want another man. I just want another situation, when where I don't hurt, and I think that's what your wife is feeling. So which is why it is important you be persistant in repeating the action I am going to tell you to take, EVEN IF YOUR WIFE DOES NOT RECIPROCATE.

    ***The answer is simple, but difficult because it seems unfair and the initial process is very, very painful. YOU have to let go of your hurt. YOU have to do it. I say "you" because I am talking to you and I can't talk to her. You have to in your heart decide that life is too short to carry this pain and anger and that no matter what that woman says or does to you, you are going to grab her in your arms and kiss her smack dab on the lips and squeeze her tightly and look right in her eyes and say, "I love you, dang it. We've both been horrible jerks. You're better than this. I'm better than this. We're better than this. Let's BOTH stop this right here, right now. I want us to treat each other with the love we deserve. I am giving you a clean slate. Won't you please grant me one also?"

    You see, before you can move on, you both have to feel that you are forgiven, and that you also have forgiven the other. Don't sit around discussing "but you did this" or "You did that!" If your wife responds, "But you disrespected me," then you should say, "And I'm sorry. And I want to move on. We are both hurting. Let's love each other instead of hurt each other."

    I really, really hope you will do this. My heart goes out to you, but I am also excited for you because I know your relationship can heal from this. It is only a matter of time and action. And I can speak from experience and say this really does work. It is the ONLY WAY i have found. I mean, c'mon, it really comes down to just letting go of the pain and CHOOSING to show love, even if you don't feel warm towards the other person. Love is a choice, not a feeling. What is sitting in a room with a third party (a counselor), rehashing all the painful episodes going to acheive? You'd each likely throw a pity party for yourself and fight to get the counselor on your side, or to get the counselor to approve the hurt that you feel.

    Well I will do that. I approve your pain. Your situation hurts. You wife may not have treated you in the best possible way. Okay. And you may have been a jerk butt too, okay. So it happened. Now move on and CHOOSE TO LOVE. It will set you free. I am guaranteeing it.

    By doing what I say, it's like you are granting the other person permission to be nice to you again. The first chance you get, the very next time you see your wife, grab her, kiss her, and say what I typed. And see if it doesn't make a world of difference! And the next time you get upset, or she gets upset, and you treat each other like crap, DO IT AGAIN. Be persistent.

    It works in other relationships, too. When I was a teenager, my dad chewed me out. One day, he was really going off on something and you know what I did? I grabbed my father, hugged his neck, and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said calmy and sincerely, "Dad, I love you. And I'm sorry." He was knocked out of his chair because anger is usually met with opposition, not love and gentleness! People will mirror what you give them, most of the time.

    PLEASE TRY THIS!!! I promise good results.

    Last edited by GoodbyeMrsC; 01-16-2009 at 12:14 PM.

    Old 01-21-2009, 07:30 AM   #5
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    Re: Is my marriage over?

    GoodbyeMrsC, you're advice is great. I feel like I am in this same situation. But I actually have tried what you've said...

    I've been fighting with my fiancee a lot. Everything gets thrown out of proportion and he brings things up from the past when he told me to stop doing that. I've been adjusting the way we "fight" based on what he's asked me to do, but I don't feel like he's doing the same. For instance, he wants me to apologize for things right away. When I do, he keeps going and going. When he apologizes for things, I drop it. I feel like he's being a hypocrite fighting the way he doesn't want me to fight.

    Then I tried the loving route. Telling him, "sorry, i love you, I don't want to fight", but he dwells on whatever is keeping him angry or brings up MORE stuff. I feel trapped, like I can't win. And I don't want to win in the sense of getting the last word in. I just want to be able to move forward after a discussion instead of being blamed or criticized for topic B when topic A is over.

    Running on empty...

    Old 01-21-2009, 09:55 AM   #6
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    Re: Is my marriage over?

    "Taming The Tiger Within. Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions" by Thich Nhat Hanh.

    And other his works.

    Sorry, I don't believe in counsellors - they are just folks like us.

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