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    Old 01-29-2009, 09:51 AM   #16
    brokenhearted83
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng View Post
    Hey, guys! Just a quick reply, whilst I'm at work, to say thanks for all your replies. I want to read them properly and get back to everyone when I'm at home later. In the mean time, I am scared for my ex-girlfriend and her baby because she was in hospital on Wednesday evening with stomach cramps. She has to wait until her next scheduled scan next Wednesday before finding out whether everything's okay. She suffered an ectopic pregnancy last year and now I am worried that it might happen again. I can't just ignore her in this situation
    You don't have to ignore her. But this hasn't got much to do with you, Johnny.

    Your not the father, you're not in a relationship, nor do you want to be in a relationship.

    You'll not only be doing yourself a favour by backing off away from this situation but also her - she also doesn't need someone confusing her.

    I think you should gently pull away and who knows may be in the years to come you can be friends?

    You clearly cannot be friends with her.

     
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    Old 01-29-2009, 09:56 AM   #17
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng View Post
    Hey, guys! Just a quick reply, whilst I'm at work, to say thanks for all your replies. I want to read them properly and get back to everyone when I'm at home later. In the mean time, I am scared for my ex-girlfriend and her baby because she was in hospital on Wednesday evening with stomach cramps. She has to wait until her next scheduled scan next Wednesday before finding out whether everything's okay. She suffered an ectopic pregnancy last year and now I am worried that it might happen again. I can't just ignore her in this situation
    well if it happens there is nothing you can do about it.
    does she have a mother? let her mother worry about it.
    she's not your responsibility, this baby is not your responsibility.
    you're not ignoring her, you're just not getting involved where it's not your place to be involved. save yourself a lot of trouble down the line, don't be involved with her or her problems, let her deal with the mess she's gotten herself into. Don't be so willing to let yourself be used and tossed aside when she's got no more use for you. You're not the white knight on the horse swooping down to rescue her.....don't try to be.

     
    Old 01-30-2009, 08:33 AM   #18
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brokenhearted83 View Post
    You'll not only be doing yourself a favour by backing off away from this situation but also her - she also doesn't need someone confusing her.
    I agree with what you're saying here, brokenhearted83. I have told her that I would like to see her get back with her ex-boyfriend - as long as she can trust him - for their sake and that of the baby. However, whilst I'm around, with the history between us, I am limiting the possibility of that eventuality.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    does she have a mother? let her mother worry about it.
    she's not your responsibility, this baby is not your responsibility.
    you're not ignoring her, you're just not getting involved where it's not your place to be involved. save yourself a lot of trouble down the line, don't be involved with her or her problems, let her deal with the mess she's gotten herself into. Don't be so willing to let yourself be used and tossed aside when she's got no more use for you. You're not the white knight on the horse swooping down to rescue her.....don't try to be.
    Thanks, rosequartz. My ex-girlfriend's mother is an alcoholic and not really the best role model. But she has a good relationship with her; although, her father disapproves of her intending to raise a baby as a single parent. She is therefore going to move into state accomodation.

    I find it a bit sad that the advice here, in the main, is for me to distance myself from the situation. I understand that any involvement at this stage could lead to hassle for me. But I see a friend in a lonely situation and I find it very hard to put that to the back of my mind.

     
    Old 01-30-2009, 09:27 AM   #19
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng View Post
    I understand that any involvement at this stage could lead to hassle for me. But I see a friend in a lonely situation and I find it very hard to put that to the back of my mind.

    You are seeing it exactly as she wants you to. She is reaching out to you now because her baby's father isn't around anymore. You can bet if he showed back up & was supportive your friendship would be right back out the window.

    The way girls can get guys to fall for this is unbelieveable. The "poor me" routine. My guy's ex pulls the "poor me" routine all the time, and he used to fall for it, but then he got wise.

     
    Old 02-01-2009, 02:29 PM   #20
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng View Post


    I find it a bit sad that the advice here, in the main, is for me to distance myself from the situation. I understand that any involvement at this stage could lead to hassle for me. But I see a friend in a lonely situation and I find it very hard to put that to the back of my mind.
    you're being manipulated.....you don't see it right now, that's the characteristic of manipulation. She wants you to see her as the victim, that's her plan.......

     
    Old 02-02-2009, 04:06 AM   #21
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    You sound like a truly nice compassionate person. I hope it all works out for you; I have no opinion about your friend's motives, but I do worry about the unfinished business with her BF. Be her friend, stand by her as a friend but, as for "taking on" her and the baby, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. Keep one foot outside the circle and stay grounded as a platonic friend. Sera.

     
    Old 02-02-2009, 05:42 PM   #22
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Right now I'm feeling sad There have been some developments over the last few days.

    Firstly, I have started chatting to a new girl, Lora. She and I have been IM contacts for over a year and on Thursday evening I decided - for no discernable reason - to say "hi" for the first time in nearly that long. We chatted online for three hours and it felt like thirty minutes. She was a different girl to the one I remember from before: more mature. She gave me her telephone number and asked if I could call her. We then spoke for three hours. In the morning, by text message, she said I had "won her over". We have spoken every night at length and we're building up to meeting up. We don't live too far apart.

    Meanwhile, yesterday my ex-girlfriend, Louise (these are middle names, by the way), called me and essentially told me that she wishes we lived closer together because she could do with some male company. I knew in that instant that trouble was brewing. Tonight it came to a head, sooner than I feared. I was talking on the telephone to Lora when Louise sent me a text message requesting that I call her. Being the soft fool that I am I asked Lora if I could call her back. She was instantly funny about it and she didn't even know who it was I was going to call I guess she had a gut instinct.

    Well, it turned out that Louise was half asleep and she asked if I could call her tomorrow instead. So I sent a text message to Lora to ask if I could call her back and she replied to say yes, but in a very short way. I tentatively called her, wishing I hadn't got off the phone from her in the first place, and there was a definite atmosphere. The conversation wasn't flowing at all so I said I should go to get a good night's sleep and Lora basically hung up on me. I felt gutted. I can't explain it but it feels fateful that something good is destined to happen between Lora and I. So I tried to act decisively to reverse some of the damage.

    I sent her a message to apologise for abandoning our conversation for the sake of my "friend". I said it felt like I had upset her and she replied to say that I had. A few messages later and she had told me that she really feels strongly about me. Last night in her good night text message she basically said she would like to be my girlfriend but I held back. I figured that had something to do with her mood this evening. So I asked her if she would like to be my girlfriend. She replied to say yes and asked why I was asking. I sent her a message to ask if I could be her boyfriend but she hasn't replied. I am encouraged because she had previously sent me a message to say she needed to sleep and she ended it by calling me a pet name.

    Now... I know the more sceptical of you will be wondering what the heck I am doing asking a girl I have never met whether she would like to be my girlfriend. But I have just got that feeling that we are going to be a good match. In her words she has "never clicked with anybody this quickly". But that could just be because I'm a good listener and a natural conversationalist... Anyway, suffice to say that even though I haven't had time to draw breath or pinch myself, I have been happy - up to this evening's hiccough - with the emergent situation between Lora and I. So why am I awake at 01:30 spilling my guts to you guys?

    As I lay there trying to remain optimistic about Lora and I, I couldn't get Louise out of my head I know I owe her nothing and she treated me badly when I was her boyfriend. And I know her baby is the joint responsibility of her and her ex-boyfriend. But I feel like I will be letting her down if I throw myself wholesale into a new relationship and forget about her as anything more than a distant friend. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only positive aspect to her otherwise grey life. Not all of the bad things of her life are of her own making.

    She was born into relative poverty by UK standards. She is very bright but she hasn't received the same level of encouragement by her parents as have I. She was raped at a young age and had her knees broken by a former boyfriend. I know these things aren't my fault or my responsibility to make amends for. But, in classic male fashion, when we first got together, I thought I might be able to brighten up her life and "rescue" her. Now it feels like she's worse off than ever because she faces parenthood as a single mother. Emotionally, financially, and physically it's going to be tough on her.

    There's this misplaced sense of chivalry in me that is telling me I should be at least more of a friend to Louise and do more to help her. For example, I have offered (a few weeks ago) to take her shopping for maternity wear as she cannot afford to pay for it herself. But I know that if things develop between Lora and I then nothing like that can happen. And that's what's keeping me awake. I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I'm going to have to make a conscious choice which could define mine and possibly two other people's happiness to some extent.

    I've typed too much already and it probably doesn't make much sense so I think I should sleep on things. Maybe my choice will be made for me by what Lora says in response to my last message. She has sent a reply but it was a blank message... that's a new one on me.

     
    Old 02-02-2009, 05:54 PM   #23
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    you need to meet lora before you can get ahead of yourself with your feelings and making decisions. you may click with someone on line or on the phone and when you meet there's no chemistry. trust me, I know you think you and this girl are gonna meet and see stars about each other, but don't fool yourself. I've done internet dating and blind dates and you can really fool yourself. meet this girl and THEN think about your decisions.

     
    Old 02-02-2009, 06:02 PM   #24
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    I hear exactly what you're saying, rosequartz. Lora's reaction this evening came as something of a surprise to me because thus far she has acted cool. In some ways, though, it is good that we have laid more cards on the table because it might encourage us to meet in person instead of building things up to unattainable levels of expectation over the telephone.

     
    Old 02-06-2009, 07:55 AM   #25
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    I'm glad there is a potential girlfriend on the horizon Great news! See? You never know what lies around the corner. But as rose has suggested, tread carefully. You need to meet first of all to establish if there is any chemistry. Who knows. You may hit it off as well as you have done so online and on the phone. Or maybe not. You never know! So I look forward to you meeting and telling us all about it Good luck!

    Secondly...as for Louise. I guess no matter how much we are all going to say leave well alone, you're going to try and be her friend. But let me tell you - the ending isn't going to be pretty. Stop being so nice. It isn't your fault she has been abused, she isn't your responsibility, her child isn't yours etc etc. You know all this. You needn't feel bad - you didn't cause the abuse and while you tried your best to help her during your relationship with her, she didn't appreciate it enough to treat you respectfully. Why do you want to set yourself up for more hurt? Walk away. She will carry on surviving without you. It IS time for you to move on and lead your life without any misery attached. Don't feel guilty for moving on.You NEED to move on away from her. That also means as a friend.

     
    Old 02-06-2009, 08:53 AM   #26
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    I will give you a very simple answer:

    No, you can't be friends with a pregnant ex-girlfriend for one reason.

    When the baby is born, unless she proves to be a very bad mother, she will have eyes only for the baby and no time for you as a friend, let alone as a partner. You will end up as a provider. Is that what you want to be?

    I don't think so, so please stop feeling guilty, move on, and be kind to yourself. Don't spoil your life trying to be a saviour.

    If she has no means to be a mother to this child, she can always give him or her up for adoption.

    Last edited by Administrator; 02-09-2009 at 10:19 AM. Reason: inappropriate comment

     
    Old 02-06-2009, 01:35 PM   #27
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    I realize I'm offering some late advice here but I felt the need to add my two cents to this.

    Louise is bad news. You said yourself that she "expected" you to take on her and her baby and got angry when you said no. What is that? She broke up with you and then decided after things when south and she found herself in trouble that you would rush to save her? That's not cool. She totally taking advantage of your feelings for her and she knows it. Don't fall for it. I know you feel for her, but she has a family (even if they are not the best) and she has the baby's father (regardless of any excuse he is responsible, not you). It is best for all involved (you, her, and the baby) that you walk away. You will only wind up hurt in the end.

    It's nice that you are talking to Lora. However, don't jump to labeling yourself with her yet since you have never met. You have feelings for the words she has written or spoken, not her. Get to know her first. Of course, her getting mad at you getting off the phone seems a bit "territorial" of her. I mean, who is she to get upset because you had to get off the phone? I would proceed with caution here. She may very well have "strong feelings" for you, but until you actually meet and spend time together she shouldn't expect you to limit yourself to her and vice versa.

     
    Old 02-09-2009, 11:35 AM   #28
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    I must agree with the other's, who have spoken so eloquently about the subject. I couldn't have said it any better!

    Best wishes to you...

    Last edited by writeleft; 02-09-2009 at 07:44 PM.

     
    Old 02-13-2009, 03:47 AM   #29
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    Hi all

    I apologise that it’s taken me so long to reply. I have been reading everybody’s replies and, if I’m honest, it is cowardice that has stopped me from responding.

    A few things have happened… Louise found out that her ex-boyfriend, the father of her unborn baby, cheated on her whilst they were still together and after they found out she was pregnant. This prompted her to consider a termination because she wanted nothing more to do with him. For now, at least, she says she couldn’t go through with that, especially since she has seen her fully-formed baby moving on the ultrasound machine. She also has the support of her sisters, to whom I am very grateful because it has made me feel less overwhelmed by the situation.

    Meanwhile, things are still developing between myself and Lora. I have been wondering whether she is genuinely interested in meeting up because she has been reluctant to commit to it. But I got her to explain her feelings last night and she basically wants to be confident that something long-term would develop before meeting up. I have assured her that I don’t get into relationships lightly. I have been avoiding conversation with Louise and I’ve found myself feeling bad for talking to Lora and not her.

    I know you will all say that is silly of me. Yes, Louise hurt me the first time around. And, yes, her baby is no responsibility of mine. But, purely as a friend, I don’t want to hurt her. And I feel that if I tell her about Lora, it will hurt her. But I know I have to tell Louise about Lora, or else just cut all contact with her, because otherwise I will be disrespecting anything that might flourish between Lora and I. At the moment I’m just burying my head in the sand. I suppose what I really want is for things to become clearer between Lora and I.

    Lora is spending a large amount of time with her ex-boyfriend. Today she says she’s going to take him clothes shopping because she wants to help him find a new girlfriend so he can be “happy again” – her words. I suggested to her that he wouldn’t be able to find somebody new as long as they spend time together. She obviously picked up on my insecurity about the situation and told me that she has told her ex-boyfriend all about me and that it won’t “upset” her if he tells her he wants her back, because she knows she wants to be with me.

    Now, I’m not the jealous type. From my point of view it does not worry me that she spends time with her ex-boyfriend. I worry for him that his hopes might be dashed. But if she tells me that she wants me then that’s good enough to assure me that she wouldn’t mess me around. No matter how many times I’ve been cheated on, I’m not going to become cynical. What does worry me is that when we eventually get around to meeting up in person, we won’t click like we have personality-wise over the telephone.

    I just want to meet Lora in person and find out whether or not that’s the case. At the moment it’s becoming an increasing source of stress to me that we might be setting ourselves up for a big fall

     
    Old 02-13-2009, 05:44 AM   #30
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    Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?

    I'm sorry you've felt too cowardish to come here and give us an update so we can offer more support.

    I know you're not going to like our advice, but listen, and consider it because we can't all be wrong, can we? Ultimately, it is your decision to do what you want because it is YOUR life.

    We're only here to help, to offer advice. We're not judging, we may get frustrated because we want what is best for you.

    There are two things that have stood out and grabbed my attention. I won't comment on the Lora situation too much but she's starting to sound a little shady. Perhaps concentrate less on her and more on your own life - not Louise's.

    Here are my points about Louise:

    1) You say you're very grateful to Louise's sister because it has made you feel less overwhelmed. NO! She should be grateful to you for being there for Louise. She isn't alone, and you're not saving her. She has other support. If you disappeared from her life (I'm not saying you should, but you should most certainly back off and let her deal with this on her own, or with her ex, or family).

    Sorry, Johnny, I am sorry but you talk as though you are the father of the baby, and not just a friend.

    2) Also, you say "But, purely as a friend, I don’t want to hurt her [Louise]. And I feel that if I tell her about Lora, it will hurt her."

    Well, that means you can't be friends!!!!

    What if Louise has feelings for you? By being there for her this way, she is going to get confused about your feelings too, regardless of what you say because YOUR actions are portraying something more deep than just friends.

    Can't you see?

    I wonder if you do have feelings for Lora because you are not behaving or thinking like that a friend by no means. I remember you saying she offered but you declined.

    If you aren't interested, then move away. This isn't a place for even the best of friends. It is a family matter, between her, her ex and her family. Its rather naive of you to think you can help. You can't. Its all one big illusion! Wake up!

    Is it that you find it reassuring that Louise is there for you just in case things don't work out with Lora? You've said before you didn't want to go down that road. So why are you still behaving more like a boyfriend or husband?

    Can you see and accept that at the very least? If so, then can you accept that you need to back off? I don't think you can see straight.

    Are you afraid of being alone?

    I'm not having a go! I'm offering advice with YOUR best interests at heart.

    You sound like a sweet person. But you're investing so much into Louise, her baby and her problems.

    No offence, but don't you have your own life to lead?

    Remember, this isn't your problem! You didn't cause this. So you don't need to feel obliged to stay and behave responsibly.

    I think you want to stay. Not because you feel obliged. And that's wrong. Sorry.

     
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