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    Old 01-19-2009, 03:16 PM   #31
    Dark Stranger
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    Re: When SO disagrees with you on birth control

    I spoke to DBF How romantic. I told him this stuff was bugging me and we talked a little about this, albeit with a little sugar-coating. We managed to discuss children without ever saying the word "kids" or "children" and I have no idea how we managed that.

    DBF knows how I feel, and he acknowledges I will not change my mind. He said with the economy being so bad, he wouldn't dream of having kids anytime soon. I asked him if he was okay with never having children regardless fo the state of the economy, and he said, "Probably not, but I won't know for sure until the future". So I think he's leaving the door open for a possible mind change...maybe because he isn't all that nuts about kids himself and is giving it a little more thought. He also told me he was willing to try his best to work with me to sort out this issue and the couple (less major) issues we have. I think that's a good thing!

    He was also getting a teeny bit upset (more so because I was upset from stress from school AND this than what we were talking about), so I told him we could cut the conversation short. But I made him promise me that we would have a more in-depth talk before he proposed. And he said we definitely would.

    Not a complete discussion, but I think it turned out okay. I feel better and DBF wasn't tearfully sad. I hope it goes that way when we have *The* talk.

    I hate to say it, but my lousy mood made me break down enough today to talk to BF about this. So it helped a little. Also, just for the record, I don't want an ablation...I don't have lady problems requiring one. I want Essure, the procedure where little nickel coils are put into the fallopian tubes to block sperm. And it's irreversible and less expensive than a tubal and the recovery time is shorter and it requires no cutting or stitching. I wouldn't sneak off to get sterilized...I thought about it, but I wouldn't want to make that kind of decision without BF knowing. I won't ever have children, but I don't want to hide such major things from DBF.

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    Old 01-19-2009, 03:53 PM   #32
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    Re: When SO disagrees with you on birth control

    Originally Posted by Dark Stranger View Post
    Sorry - it just really sounded to me like you were sort of contradicting yourself by saying "I respect your choice BUT you could change your mind". I have gotten that a lot too, but it's more polite than "You WILL change your mind, you silly immature little girl!"
    No, I wasn't contradicting myself. You may firmly believe in something today but you may not in 5 years time. That's no contradiction.
    Basically, I'm saying the same thing as Steno. Stick to your beliefs and what you want from life. But don't totally restrict yourself and POSSIBLY (not saying you will) deny yourself something you may want one day. You see?

    By all means, its up to you, its your life. This is simply what I am advising you.

    But I can understand why you'd get a little defensive on this matter...I guess people can be patronizing and totally disregard how you feel and what you want in life because you're still young. But do listen to don't have to agree with that they are saying.

    Old 01-19-2009, 05:18 PM   #33
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    Re: When SO disagrees with you on birth control

    Dark, I'm still with you on this. I know that keeping your options open may sound like a good idea, but it would be absolutely awful if you're still sure and an "accident" happens. That would be heartwrenching.

    You know, I decided when I was about 16 that I never wanted to get married. I wanted kids (or just one) but I just didn't see any reason why I needed to get married. My (now ex) husband got me to marry him by telling me that if I didn't agree to get engaged and marry him NOW, he'd break up with me and he'd find someone else. Since that wasn't acceptable to me, I married him. And guess what...we are now divorced and our son had to deal with all that goes along with a divorce. Now, I am swearing never to marry again, and my (well-intentioned) friends are telling me that I will meet "the one" someday, settle down, get married again, and live happily ever after. NO! I don't want to get married EVER AGAIN! See, the stigma of the unmarried woman...I just can't be happy unless I'm a "Mrs."! Grrr...

    So I feel ya. If you think it's right, maybe it is. But still, your guy still seems like he wants the two of you to keep the door open for having kids. I think setting him straight on your true feelings will still have to happen. Because you can't just hope he changes his mind because it would be just as unfair for you to do that to him as it is for him to do it to you.

    Old 01-19-2009, 05:30 PM   #34
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    Re: When SO disagrees with you on birth control

    I don't see how this situation will ever resolve, ever. He wants kids, you don't. End of story. Can't get more black and white than that. If he's adamant about it, you're going to have to break it off because the more time you waste of his, that's less time he has to find the right woman who will actually be on the same page about having kids. That's not fair to him.

    Old 01-19-2009, 07:27 PM   #35
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    Re: When SO disagrees with you on birth control

    Fair enough. But may we just say that I won't change my mind? I understand the concern, especially when so many ladies and men regret being sterilized (but about 99% of them had children already and wanted more), but let's assume I know what I'm doing.

    I totally agree he and I need to talk more, but I'm not sure how much more straight I can set him. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels. I need to make sure he knows it will be up to him to figure out if he can deal without having kids because he already knows I will not deal with having them.

    I also need to find out if he actually wants kids, or if he thinks they're more like an obligation (as in "Having kids is what grown-ups do!"). His reasoning sounds more like he is scared of being a nobody later in life and since having kids is something he can brag about, he wants to do that. I don't want to change his mind, and I don't want to change mine, but I want to try and see if his desire is genuine or if it's more of an attempt to prove his worth and his masculinity, which are reasons quite a few men have kids they think they want.

    His parents are also chain-smoking, emotionally abusive drunks. Not people I would want children around.

    I don't see why I have to break it off with him. It's not as if I have kept my childfree status a secret from him. He knows - the cards are on the table. If we can't come to a compromise, then yes, we will need to split, but it's essentially his decision whether or not he can deal with having no kids ever since he's the one who would suffer the loss. Also, it's not as if there's a shortage of women with baby rabies in the world...I'm sure he'd have no problems finding himself someone who wants kids. It's childfree men who are a rarity.

    Old 02-06-2009, 10:42 PM   #36
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    Re: When SO disagrees with you on birth control

    I was googling some info on douching and blah blah and I happened upon this site. You were very vocal in the forum and I felt like I kinda related to you back in that particular thread: Very insecure about myself, threatened by the idea of letting anyone in, and afraid of things going wrong while I was learning about who I was becoming. (And yes, I tried very unsuccessfully with plain yogurt as well... :P) Anyways... I had to join this site just to ask you a question. I'm not trying to be a creeper, but I compiled a few quotes... Here you go:

    "I do not plan on becoming sexually active...EVER. No husband (or wife), no boyfriend, nothing. I want nothing to do with that sickening practice people perform; I have never felt any kind of sexual feelings toward anyone, not even my boyfriend. What can I say? I simply cannot be turned on. And I'm glad, because sex leads to all sorts of problems; I think the bad stuff outnumbers the good that comes from sex."
    4-1-2004: 6:57 PM

    At this point, you were clearly not keen on the idea of ever becoming sexually active. Yet...

    "Well then I guess DBF best get used to using condoms for the rest of his life. It's too bad since I would definitely like to not bother with them and rely on Essure, but since he can't deal with me being sterile, he'll have to deal with those lovely latex sheaths forever."
    1-18-2009: 3:49 AM

    Here, you've clearly changed your mind although you were definitely set in your ways. I've gone through a lot of self-realization in the past few months, along with feelings of repressed sexual urge and depression because I didn't have a partner and never thought I'd be comfortable with anyone to ever even want sex. But now I'm a lot happier with my current boyfriend and yes, we're very active. I feel a lot like you. Now... I'm not trying to sway your opinions or anything, but please re-read your words here:

    "I'm 21, and I've known I didn't want children for as long as I can remember. I have a laundry list of reasons for not wanting them. And trust me, I've heard all the sayings like "You'll change your mind!" and "You're too young to make that decision" and "Any woman who doesn't want kids must be mentally ill/a lesbian/unable to find anyone to sleep with her" and so on. I know it might be hard to take me seriously since a lot of women do want babies or start off not wanting kids and then have the dreaded mind change that make the genuine CFers look like flakes, but I know this is what's right for me."
    1-19-2009: 2:35 PM

    I understand that you want to never have kids. But who knows? Look what five years did to your opinions about even having sex! When I was first going through puberty, I thought that if I put enough foreign objects into my vagina, maybe I'd develop an infection that would forever stop my periods. I was so unhappy and upset. Imagine if I'd actually gone through with that? I'd be a wreck. I was thinking just far enough ahead to try to alleviate my current worries, but it would never solve the real problem of being happy with who I am.

    You're very obstinate about remaining a woman but never becoming a mother. Alright, great. But what I'm saying is this: Do not burn bridges. Do things that can help the problem now (like birth control, it's great, and you don't need those lovely latex sheaths :P). Today, it seems that the one thing on every woman's mind is the right to choose, so why are you limiting yourself right now? Do not eliminate your options early on! If you make yourself sterile and then in ten years you have a change of heart and you and your significant other desire a child to complete your family, you'll be up the creek with no paddle. As a young woman who's had her share of crazy feelings, regrets, and realizations... I'm going to be brutally honest. I'm not comfortable thinking about children at the moment either. But I'm not going to completely rule out the possibility. I've taken precautions to ensure that pregnancy is the last thing on my mind, and I've had no problems. We're both young with our whole lives ahead of us. I'm urging you... Think things over before you make any permanent, life-altering decisions like becoming sterile. You have your entire life to look forward to. Who knows what changes of heart it might bring?


    Old 02-07-2009, 08:36 AM   #37
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    Re: When SO disagrees with you on birth control

    Hi Dark Stranger,

    You've talked about this before - wanting to be sterilized - and I ribbed you then about you being the same Dark Stranger who used to post she was going to be a virgin forever, and the same one who was never ever going to see a gynaecologist. So surely, given some of the positions you've taken in the past, you can see how people change - and how people hold out hope that they will (and I'm talking about both you and your bf with that last one).

    But really, I just wanted to add that someone very close to me was in your position, and after years of being with her partner and building a good life together, he ended it because he really had thought she'd change her mind, and he wanted kids after all. It was very sad, her broken heart and the years she wasted. Get your answer now, don't wait. This issue can be a deal-breaker.

    Good luck.

    Last edited by Thisby; 02-07-2009 at 08:38 AM.

    Old 02-07-2009, 12:41 PM   #38
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    Re: When SO disagrees with you on birth control

    Being in a relationship is more than being in love. You should be with someone with whom you share common interests and values and goals. People fall in love every day with people who are not the "right" fit for them. That's part of dating. Getting to know new people and finding the one who fits your life and your needs.

    Now, with that being said you need to stop ignoring this issue. It's not going to go away. I know that you both think that ignoring it for now is okay but it's not. What happens if 5 or 10 years from now he starts really pressing for children and you still don't want them? Think of how much harder it will be to break things off then with more time behind you.

    This IS a dealbreaker for most people. You either fall into one of two categories. You either want children or you don't. You clearly do not see eye to eye on this one and probably never will. You are very firm not to have them which is your choice. But he is holding out hope that you will change your mind. He is only setting you guys up for a HUGE fall and so are you by thinking he knows how you feel and have accepted it.

    Yes, you are young but you are more than capable of making up your mind whether or not you want a family. It's just not right for some people. But do you really want to lose all of this time with someone you really are not compatible with? I'm not saying you don't love eachother here so don't take it as that. But you are not compatible. Wouldn't it be better for all involved to move on with your life now?

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